


Help Me Understand

by srwritess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Dominant Kylo Ren, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Finnpoe - Freeform, Fluff and Smut, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Reader, Interrogation, Jealous Kylo Ren, Jedi in training, Kylo calls you little one, Kylo’s prisoner, Obsessive Kylo Ren, Reader is a fighter, Slow Burn, Smut, The First Order, Top Kylo Ren, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Kylo Ren, You are a Badass, c - Freeform, reader is a resistance fighter, the knights of ren, the resistance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:47:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 121,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28706154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srwritess/pseuds/srwritess
Summary: A fresh recruit in the Resistance, you insist on taking your first solo mission to steal info from the First Order.Only problem is, you get caught.Unlike most of his prisoners, Kylo Ren sees the potential in you, and decided to spare your life in hopes of turning you to the Dark Side.He expected a lot of things from the Resistance, from his enemies. But you showed him something he never expected:Sympathy.
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	1. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were assigned a very important mission on a very dangerous ship. Let’s hope you don’t run into a certain emo space prince

The charcoal gray uniform crinkled underneath your fingers as you smoothed out the fabric. You were hoping that you looked decent enough that no one would notice your lack of First Order quality boots. 

A few stormtroopers had walked past you and didn't question you. All they did was nod respectfully and continue walking. 

They probably noticed that you looked stiff and uncomfortable, but the hat pulled down low on your head was doing a pretty good job at hiding your face. 

You had just entered a new hallway when you heard voices that were unencumbered by helmets. 

Officers. 

You ducked into a small alcove, pressing your back to the wall and holding your breath as the footsteps and voices became louder. 

"He will be landing within the hour," you heard one of the voices say. 

"Ah, better make sure we stay the hell away then," the other one answered, laughing. 

The footsteps passed and you waited until silence fell again before you crept back into the hallway and continued walking. 

Shit. 

The whole reason you had been sent to infiltrate the ship was because Kylo Ren wasn't supposed to be on board. 

But apparently, he'd be making an appearance rather quickly. 

You ignored the panic that was rising in you and continued on with your mission. Reaching the end of the corridor, you looked to your left and then your right before spotting a metal door that was slightly ajar.

Gotcha. 

A surge of hope rose in your chest as you sped towards the room. All you had to do was download the data from their damned computer system and you would have the location of every armory and satellite base in the First Order. 

The room was deserted, just liked you'd expected. Poe had told you that there was a fifteen minute window in between shift changes, leaving this room unoccupied and unattended for about 10 more minutes. 

You weren't great with technology, but you quickly figured out where to insert the empty thumb drive and begin the downloading process. 

Checking over your shoulder every few minutes, you saw that you were still in the clear. But you still wished this shit would download faster. 

Your foot was tapping on the floor anxiously. "C'mon, C'mon," you whispered.

As if on cue, the downloading completed and you slipped the now fully loaded drive into your bra. 

Smoothing our your uniform again, you turned to exit the room when you came face to face with two stormtroopers. 

One of the 'troopers brought his mouth to a wire that was imbedded in his wrist armor. "We have the intruder cornered."

The air left your lungs when the voice on the intercom replied. "Take them down."

You saw the one on the left move his finger to the trigger, and you jumped over the control panel and ducked behind the desk as the blaster shot narrowly skimmed your thigh. Pain shot through your leg, but you ignored the sensation and refocused on taking down these two bucketheads. 

Luckily, the First Order uniform that you'd stolen came with a blaster. Leaning your back against the metal, you used it to stand back up and fire your shots, taking out both men before they could fire again. 

You gracefully jumped back over the desk and stepped over the 'troopers, reentering the hallway as if everything was normal.

Walking impossibly fast, you followed the exact same course you'd entered by and kept your head down.

That was, until, you heard the unmistakable crackle of a light saber. Freezing, you turned to your left.

There's the one person you didn't want to run into. 

Apparently, those officers were not too accurate in their prediction of Kylo Ren's arrival. 

"Ah, the girl."

The low tone of his masked voice made you tremble. Since you knew he had his saber out and ignited, you figured you should do the same. You grabbed the hilt of your own slightsaber - well, Leia's - from your boot and ignited it. 

You grinned when you heard the masked creature's breath hitch at the sight of his mother's weapon. He was only taken off guard for a few seconds before he lunged at you, swinging the infamous red saber. 

You narrowly missed his first swing, and he easily blocked your counterstrike. He launched a few more swings at you and became flustered that you seemed to be dodging them without incident.

A new sense of determination and strength washed over you. You lunged at him, rapidly swinging your saber and striking at him. Raising your saber above your shoulder, you swung downwards and saw your blade connect with his shoulder. He groaned in pain and stumbled backwards, giving you a chance to run. 

Your boots pounded on the sterile floors as you ran, blood pumping in your ears. You didn't hear Kylo behind you, but you knew he wouldn't let you get away that easily. Especially since you were certain he was beyond pissed that you had injured him. 

Skidding to a stop in front of two 'troopers that had turned the corner, you spun around and tried to pick a new route to get back to the shuttle. But when you turned to start down a different corridor, Kylo was standing a dozen yards from you, weapon poised. 

Trapped. Utterly trapped. 

You knew it was coming, but Kylo's outstretched hand and the resulting grip on your throat and entire body still knocked the air out of you. 

"Almost, little girl," Kylo teased as he walked close to you, grabbing the saber from you once he was in reach. 

All you heard was a low laugh and mumbled orders to the 'troopers when everything went dark. 

———

You slowly came back to consciousness as you felt your whole body ache. Eyes still closed, you desperately hoped that you'd open your eyes to see orange jumpsuits and x-wings around you. Praying that you had actually made it off the ship and gotten the intel back to the General.

Prying open one eye, you were met with a mass of black robes. 

Nope. Not that lucky. 

You looked down to see your wrists and ankles restrained against a metal contraption. They'd taken your stolen First Order uniform and left you in the clothes you'd worn under the disguise. So, you were strapped to this slab of steel wearing nothing but a filthy tank top and thin pants. 

Looking back at your captor, you noticed his unflinching gaze on you. At least, you assumed so - He still had that stupid mask on.

"I've been wanting to meet you for a while," the masked man finally said from his crouching position in front of you.   
You fidgeted, clearly uncomfortable. You weren't sure why the Supreme Leader of the First Order seemed to be so interested in you, or what he'd heard about you, but you knew this whole situation wasn't good. 

"Can't say the same," you replied. "I've been trying to not get killed by some creature in a mask."

He laughed humorlessly, making you shift in your restraints. He brought his hands up to his mask and slowly removed it as he stood to his full height. 

You'd been hoping that he'd been deformed. But you didn't have time to curse the universe for making him gorgeous. 

He was silent for a few seconds, staring at you as you took in his appearance. Like an animal stalking it's prey, he slowly crept towards you until he was less than a foot from your face.

"I've heard a lot about you," he continued, tilting his head at you, observing. 

You clenched your jaw and narrowed your eyes at him. "Maybe, but you don't know anything about me."

A lump formed in your throat when he stepped towards you. "Is that so?" 

Your captor leaned over you, placing a hand on the metal bar above your head and bringing his face impossibly close to you. "Are you not one of the General's newest recruits?"

You clenched your jaw and locked eyes with him. 

"Another one of the stray cats that the General brought back to the Resistance, hm?" 

Kylo used his free hand to reach towards his belt where he retrieved the saber he had confiscated from you. 

He kept going with that belittling tone of his. "Are you not an orphan, some filthy street girl?"

Holding the saber dangerously close to your face, he ignited the blade, relishing in the fearful gasp that escaped you. He laughed darkly before extinguishing it.

"It's almost sad," he observed. "You scrambled to join those filthy rebels just so you could feel like you belonged. Like you were actually loved."

"Fuck you, that's not true," you objected. "I believe in the cause. I believe in justice, in stopping monsters like you."

He shook his head at you before bringing a hand to your face. Your eyes widened as he dragged a long leather clad finger across your face, all the way from your ear, down your jaw, and up the other side. "Wanting nothing more than to just belong. For people to love you."

You glared at him, hoping that somehow you could kill him just with a stare. "It's harder than it seems, isn't it," he continued, "Trying to belong when you don't even have a place to call home."

"Shut up," you seethed. 

He didn't seem to hear you. "It's ironic," he said. "You set your mind on destroying me, and yet I can give you what the Resistance can't."

"You can't give me any-"

Kylo held up a hand again, signaling for you to hold your tongue. "You'll never belong with them. There's a darkness in you, whether you know it or not. "

Your breathing was heavy, riddled with anger and resentment. "You monster, I am nothing like-"

"I will finally make you feel like you belong to something."

Your lip curled over your teeth. "Never."

"Stop trying to fight it," he whispered. "I see the darkness in you. The part of you that will stop at nothing to feel like you're a part of something bigger than yourself, finally mattering to other people."

Tears of frustration formed as you shook your head at him, squeezing your eyes to stop from crying. "I'd rather not belong at all than belong to a monster."

"Oh Little One, you already belong to me. You're already mine."

"Fuck off."

In less than a second, his hand had your jaw locked in place, his fingers digging into your cheeks. "You'll be angry now, but you'll be thanking me everntually." 

He roughly released your face, throwing your head to the side. 

"Now, care to tell me why you were lurking around my ship?"

Keeping your face blank, you concealed the shock inside of you. You had just assumed he'd known why you were here. But he didn't. Which meant that he had no idea there was a data chip tucked in your bra. A little piece of metal that would tell the Resisttance where every single First Order armory was. 

"I'd rather not," you replied. "Ben."

You'd remembered Poe telling you that Kylo Ren was actually Ben Solo, the General's son. You never brought it up to her though. Being new and knowing that must be a sore subject, you decided to just take Poe's word for it. 

A hand shot out to grab your throat, his thumb pressing into your windpipe. "Don't you dare call me that."

Well, Poe was definitely right. 

You grinned, enjoying how easily you could set him off. His grip tightened and you gasped for air. "Let's try this again," he seethed. "Why were you on my fucking ship?"

"I can't seem to remember."

You half expected him to just finish the job and snap your neck. But he didn't. No, no. He had a much better form of pain. 

Leaning on the hand that was still gripping the metal bar above you, he released your throat and brought his hand to the side of your face. 

You felt a slow creeping in your mind, beginning at the base of your skull and crawling towards the back of your eyes. Like snakes emerging from the brush, you felt tendrils beg entrance into every crevice of your mind, determined to uncover whatever information you held in there. 

The pain quickly heightened to near excruciating, causing you to double over. You shut your eyes and rapidly composed mental walls, trying to stop the pain, stop the invasion into your mind. Your fists were shaking as you clenched them, putting every last bit of effort into pushing him away.

You barely heard him huff in frustration before the pain somehow got even worse, causing a loud scream to rip from your throat. 

Despite your best efforts, a memory buried in the depths of you psyche flew forwards. An image of your father flashed through your mind. It was the night he'd left. Tears were in his eyes as he walked away from you, hearing your screams and pleas for him to stay. Your blood boiled, partly out of sadness at the memory and partly out of anger at your captor's violation of privacy.

Kylo retracted his hand and leaned away from you. Lurching forward at the sudden lack of pressure in your head, you swallowed the burning acid that had risen in your throat. Panting, greedily trying to suck in oxygen, you tried to make your head stop spinning as a deafening ache formed in your skull. Your head was turned to the side as tears leaked from your eyes.

"He left you," he whispered. "He abandoned you, just a child."

You shook with anger at his words. That was the one thing you kept to yourself. Even the General and Poe thought both your parents had died. They didn't know that you'd watched your father leave you when you were so, so little. 

The memories brought the pain to the surface, raw and unrestrained. It made your chest physically sting. Quickly, you emptied your mind in case Kylo decided to violate your thoughts again in your now weakened state. 

"But I'm not concerned with your daddy issues," he sneered before reaching his hand to hover next to your face. 

Bracing yourself for his next invasion of your mind, you squeezed your eyes shut and tensed every muscle in your body. 

The excruciating pain gradually returned, the snake like tendrils attempting to take hold again.

You envisioned indestructible barriers protecting your mind and the intel it contained. It seemed to work because although the pain was beyond tolerable, no images flashed through your mind. 

Not about your father, about the Resistance, or about your mission. Nothing. 

A guttural scream tore from your throat as you struggled against your restraints in agony. 

After what felt like hours, Kylo lowered his hand with an angry growl. Your head was hanging weakly as you tried to endure the residual pain in your skull. 

"How did you resist me?"

You swallowed the acidic taste in your throat and feebly raised your eyes to him. He looked angry but almost curious, too. 

You didn't answer. Tears were streaming down your face, your chest still heaving as you struggled for breath. 

He took a step forward and you prepared yourself for another flood of pain. But nothing happened. 

Instead, Kylo was staring at you, his eyes searching for some explanation. 

After a minute, he stood up and to your relief backed away. "I'll return shortly," he informed you. 

You didn't even have the energy to give some smart ass response. 

"I wouldn't try anything if I were you."

What could you even do?


	2. Now or Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re going to try something risky. Let’s hope it works out.

You must've dozed off at some point. You couldn't deny the exhaustion that had overtaken your body. Mental, physical. To your utter relief, you opened your eyes and weren't met with a mass of black in front of you. 

Sighing, you attempted to roll your head around your shoulder with your limited range of motion. 

"Greetings."

You jolted in surprise, causing you to smack your head on the metal bar supporting your back. Your ears were ringing in pain as you tried to focus your eyes agin. When you did, your beloved captor was standing in front of you. Again. 

"Sleep well?"

He was masked again. You just glared at him, pressing your tongue against your cheek. 

"What do you want now?"

He clasped his hands behind his back before he began pacing back and forth. 

"How did you resist me?"

You rolled your eyes again. 

"Well, wouldn't you know? Since you know so much about me?"

He ignored you. "How did you board my ship without me sensing it?"

You clicked your tongue. "Maybe you're not as talented as you thought," you replied. 

Silence fell. It was a heavy silence as you sat there fidgeting under his masked gaze.

He was about to say something else when the door to the cell opened and an officer came in. 

"Sir, Hux is calling an emergency meeting," the officer mumbled, avoiding Kylo's gaze.

An irritated sigh came from Kylo's mask. "Can it wait?"

The officer shook his head nervously. "No, Hux insists you come now," he replied. 

You could tell Kylo was still annoyed, but he didn't object further. He sharply nodded at the man before exiting the cell with him. 

The closing of the door echoed. Right before Kylo had exited the room, a stormtrooper had entered and was standing guard, his back turned to you. 

You remembered what Leia had told you right before you'd left on your mission. Before you got caught and ended up Kylo Ren's prisoner. 

It was a normal thing to say, and yet the way she said it made you feel like a small child all over again, swaddled in motherly love.

"May the Force be with you."

The words bounced around your mind, the General's voice echoing. 

"The Force," you whispered to yourself, your eyebrows knitting together in concentration. 

You'd heard of Jedi mind tricks, people with the ability to float rocks or something like that. Could regular people do that too?

Might as well try.

A million warning signs flashed through your mind, alarms ringing in your ears. It was a risky move, but you had no choice but to take it if you wanted to get out of here. 

Closing your eyes, you clenched your fists and focused.

"You will remove these restraints, and leave this cell with the door open," you said. 

You tried to sound sure of yourself, but a slight tremble was still audible. 

A beat. "What did you just say?"

You heart rate sped up, anxious and discouraged that it hadn't worked. But you tried again, restoring whatd you said. 

You heard the trooper move towards you, his boots heavy against the floor. The guard stood in front of you, his blaster held in front of him. 

"I'll tighten those restraints, rebel scum."

Your chest was heaving with each ragged breath, even more panic coursing through you as your little trick failed again. 

Third times a charm. 

Taking a deep, slow breath, you relaxed your entire body and focused your eyes on the visor of the 'trooper's helmet. 

"You will remove these restraints and leave this cell with the door open."

This time, your voice was calm and even. You didn't even blink as your gaze was locked on his helmet. 

The silence was suffocating. The stormtrooper leaned back slightly, his body adjusting subtly and his posture correcting. 

"I will remove these restraints and leave this cell with the door open."

Holy shit it worked. 

The 'trooper turned from you, leaving just as you had instructed. 

Quickly, you called out another order. Hoping and praying he was still under your little spell. 

"And you will leave your weapon."

"And I will leave my weapon."

You heard a thud as the blaster dropped to the floor, followed by the fading sounds of the guards footsteps. 

Now or never. 

Silently climbing out of the metal contraption, you sprinted to the door and grabbed the discarded blaster, quietly slipping out of the cell. 

Looking from side to side, you confirmed that there weren't any other troopers standing guard - besides the one you'd just dealt with. You knew Kylo was in whatever meeting Hux had called, so you quickly started walking down the hallway. 

You stood up straight again and scanned the area. In the distance, you saw the hangar. 

But it was crawling with 'troopers and mechanics working on the ships. You didn't have another option though, since you were floating through space. It wasn't like you could just jump out the window or something. 

An idea popped into your head. You clung to the wall and continued walking towards the hangar, only pausing when the ships and shuttles were a dozen or so yards away.

Poising your blaster, you fired five shots at the large electrical box that stood opposite the ships. Flames erupted, quickly engulfing the electric equipment and spreading to surrounding objects. A small explosion rang out as wires fizzled and ignited.

Just as planned, an 'trooper hit an alarm. 'Troopers set off in the wrong direction to search for the cause of the outburst while mechanics frantically put it out.

This was it. The hangar was now practically deserted, and the alarm was ringing throughout the ship signaling a possible intrusion. 

Your boots pounded the floor loudly as you sprinted towards the nearest ship. The ramp was nearly within reach when a blaster shot soared by your head. 

Spinning around to see who had fired, you saw a 'trooper with their blaster raised at you. 

"Freeze-"

The soldier fell to the ground with a sickening thud as your shot tore through his chest armor. Foolishly, you thought you were in the clear. But two more shots flew by you, coming from more 'troopers. 

From one of the levels above you, a hail of blaster fire came down on the ship and effectively grounded it, forcing you to sprint towards a different ship. The second you started running, you noticed that a piece of scrap metal had sliced your shin open and was leaving a trail of blood behind you. 

You ignored the searing pain and continued running. Nearing the next vessel you could see, you shot over your shoulder and took out four more 'troopers. This time, you were really within arm's reach of the ship when you heard the all too familiar crackle of a lightsaber. 

Kylo. 

You spun around to look at the man as he approached, his red saber glowing against the darkness of the hangar. As he got closer, you made a last ditch effort. Quickly reaching a hand out, you summoned Leia's saber on his belt into your hand.

Kylo was so shocked that he barely had time to defend himself when you swung your weapon towards him. He stumbled and you kept pushing him backwards, throwing every jab and strike you could think of. You thought you were gaining the upper hand when your saber slashed across his face. Extinguishing your saber, you turned around and sprinted for the ship. 

You couldn't help but cry out in frustration when your entire body was frozen in place, less than a foot from the ship. 

Heavy, erratic breathing and the smell of burned flesh filled your senses as you heard footsteps approaching. 

"Pathetic."

That was all you heard before your vision went dark and you were thrown over his shoulder.

—

When you woke up, you noticed that you weren't in your usual cell. 

Sitting up, you looked around at your new surroundings. The room you were in now was still a cell, but this room had a thin piece of foam for a bed in the corner that you were laying on.

And the door wasn't actually a door, but some kind of Force shield, you assumed. 

You flopped back down on your back, your eyes locking on the ceiling when you became aware of the hunger in your stomach and the dryness in your throat. 

The hunger and thirst only increased when you realized that you wouldn't be getting food or water any time soon considering what you'd just done. 

What was he going to do now?

Sickening predictions of the torture Kylo would surely inflict on you swirled in your mind, adding to the growing dread in your chest. 

You were brought out of your spiraling thoughts when a chill raced down your spine, sensing another presence in the room. Sitting up, you looked to your left and saw Kylo's bundle of black robes in the shadowy corner. 

Uh oh.

Not that any of Kylo's visits were fun, but you knew this one in particular was going to be awful. 

Not only had you escaped, but you had also damaged his property and killed some of his men. 

Oh, and slashed him across the face. 

"So that's how you resisted me," he said calmly, slowly stepping out of the corner to stand in front of you. "That's how you entered my ship without me sensing it. And how you got the guard to release you."

Before you could offer an answer or an explanation, Kylo spoke again.

"You are Force-sensitive."

You looked at him like he'd grown horns. "Yeah, right."

"Do you think I'm lying?" He took a step closer. "How else would you explain your little stunt?"

"Yeah, I used the Force or whatever this one time," you conceded. "Just once though. Doesn't mean I'm Force-responsive or whatever the fuck it's called. People use it all the time."

"Force-sensitive people, yes."

Your brows pulled together. "No, regular people can use it."

"Do you really think you know more about this than I do?"

You stared up at him with an incredulous expression. "Regular people can use the Force," you insisted. "I'm not Force-sensitive or whatever."

"You're stupider than I thought."

You scoffed. "Oh really? I'm the stupid one? Which one of us let a prisoner escape right under their nose?"

"You mean the prisoner that got caught?"

"Well what did you expect? There's one of me and way too many of you assholes," you replied. "Not exactly an equal playing field."

Your captor took slow, calculated strides towards you, stopping once he was towering over your sitting form.

You swallowed nervously. Could you try and tell him that you have really strong teeth and chewed the metal away? And that the whole summoning of your saber was an illusion?

What if...what if the monster was right? And you are Force-sensitive?

You internally groaned, realizing that there was no way you could explain this. You were going to endure whatever fun new punishment he had in mind. Probably a lot worse if you actually had this ability like he claimed you did.

So, what now? 

You cautiously looked at him, trying to decipher his body language without making it too obvious. He didn't say anything for a while which made you even more nervous. 

Finally, you broke the silence. "Are you going to cut me into a million pieces and feed me to a rathtar or what?"

He laughed quietly. "No, not at all."

You looked at him with so much confusion in your face you could practically taste it. 

He didn't offer clarification immediately. Instead, he let the confusion swirl around in your mind briefly. 

He cleared his throat. "I believe it's best to inform you of my intent with you in more detail," he said cooly.

"Oh how lovely, I can't wait to hear you explain my imminent torture."

He ignored you but stopped pacing to crouch down in front of you. "You are going to train under me."

"No way in-"

He held a hand up abruptly. "I would suggest you shut the fuck up for a minute, if you think you can manage staying quiet for that long," he muttered.

You complied and pulled your lower lip between your teeth. 

"You have... potential," he continued, though you could tell he was hesitant to offer even the slightest compliment. 

"Great, thanks, now can-"

As if someone flipped a switch, your words were cut off, your lips closed as if they were sealed. 

"Gods you talk so much," he observed. 

"As I was saying," he said clearing his throat, "You will be my apprentice. And maybe, you'll actually become as much of a threat as you seem to think you are."

The belittling tone made you want to scream.

"You will belong to me," he added. "Which both of us know is all you really want."

Even if you had been able to speak, you couldn't have. The fear and anger silenced you and clouded your thoughts. 

Belong to him. To this monster. 

He released the hold on your voice finally, and you jumped at the chance. "Belong to you? Never in a million years. Either kill me or let me go, because I'm not telling you shit about the Resistance and I'm not training under you."

"It wasn't a request, little one," he said laughing. "I was simply telling you what will be happening."

Shaking your head, you left your eyes glued to the floor. "No, I would rather be your fucking prisoner than go along with anything you do."

"Oh, you will be remaining a prisoner," he conceded. "Until you come to your senses and be the good little student I know you can be."

The saturated false sweetness in his voice made your stomach churn. 

Two large hands came to his helmet, and he released the mask from his head. Your eyes immediately focused on his new scar. It was quite prominent, extending from his forehead and across his cheekbone. 

You were tempted to make some snide comment about it, but you knew that now was so not the time. 

"You should be thanking me," he added. 

You glared at him, biting your tongue. 

"You need this. You need me. And you need to stop denying it."

"I don't need you, I don't need to belong to anything, especially this fascist piece of shit ship," you spat.

His anger was tangible. There was no question that he was near his boiling point. 

"Fine, if you want to be a selfish bitch," he spat, "Then let's talk about something else. Tell me why you were here."

Kylo filled with disbelief when you decided to keep your mouth shut. He'd been expecting at least a sarcastic remark. 

"Ah, silent treatment," he observed.

You rolled your eyes before focusing your gaze on the wall behind him. He seemed unbothered by your silence, fiddling with his gloves as if this were a casual conversation. 

"Who's brilliant idea was it to send you in here alone, without backup?"

You shifted uncomfortably under his piercing gaze. "It was my choice to come alone. I wanted to personally hurt the First Order. To hurt you."

"Of course," he said nodding."Trying to prove yourself, show everyone that you were useful."

Clenching your jaw, you brought your eyes back to him and held eye contact with him. 

The General and Poe had both warned you that this mission was dangerous, but you insisted that you go alone. Your pride got the better of you, and Kylo was right - you felt the need to prove yourself. Poe pleaded with you to let him come, and the General agreed. But you were stubborn and ignored them.

You should've listened. You failed. And all you had to think about was the pain in your chest, remembering the look in Poe's eyes when you left. He was scared. Scared for you, and rightly so. 

"They're not coming for you," he whispered. 

The lack of a smug smile on his face took you back. But then it made you angrier. 

"Yes they are."

"No they're not," he said sighing. "They think you're dead."

You mouth hung open as the words died on your tongue. He was probably right. It'd be logical for them to assume that Ren wouldn't keep you alive after capturing you. Or, they'd assume that he'd torture you for information until you cracked. 

"I doubt they think I'm dead," you whispered. "Because even after all you've done, your mother still  
believes Ben Solo isn't dead."

Before you could even blink, Kylo had closed the gap in between you, his robes brushing against your shins as he hunched over you. "You don't know what you're talking about," he seethed.

"Oh but I do," you replied, equally as bitter. "You're a scared little boy playing dress up, hiding behind a mask."

His hand shot out, gripping your throat for what felt like the millionth time. But this time, the grip was like a vacuum against your throat, immediately making spots dance across your eyelids. 

"You dumb bitch, talking about things you know nothing about."

"Oh," you paused gasping for breath, "really? Then please enlighten me."

You could tell that he was really tempted to just finish the job and snap your neck right there. But he didn't. Instead, he roughly released your neck before stepping back.

He turned away from you and headed towards the exit, not uttering a word until he was nearly out of the room. 

"We'll see how well you do holding your own when you can't use any clever diversions," he muttered without looking at you.

And with that, he turned his back on you and left the cell.


	3. So Be It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is an asshole and decides to make that very clear.
> 
> TW: depictions of violence

Without much else to do, you sat on your foam mat with your knees pulled to your chest. After Kylo had left, a 'trooper had come in and shackled you to a stake in the middle of the room. Pretty much keeping you stuck in one spot.

You had tried to fall asleep again, hoping that it would help you ignore the painful hunger and thirst.   
But Kylo's cryptic words echoed in your head, keeping you very much awake and very much on edge. 

What the hell had he meant? How was he going to 'see me hold my own'?

A million horrendous scenarios raced through your head. Groaning, you dropped your head to rest your forehead on your knees, trying to keep your thoughts from running wild.

Before you knew it, someone had entered the room. Two someones, actually. 

Your masked captor entered the cell, a shorter, red-haired man in a black First Order uniform following behind him. 

You smiled up at the mass of black robes looking in front of you. "Aw, did you bring me a friend, asshole?"

The shorter man snickered. "Unlikely, rebel scum."

You rolled your eyes. "Rebel scum? At least I have a soul, fireball."

To both of your utter surprises, you heard the mass of black robes chuckle. Apparently Kylo Ren had a sense of humor.

The redhead gave both you and Kylo an irritated look."Why hasn't this thing been executed yet? I believe her attempt to escape and her murders of my men are ground for extermination," he muttered.

"She is valuable to the First Order, General Hux."

Hux. Interesting name.

Did he realize it sounded like General Hugs?

Kylo's voice was level, but Hux just scoffed. 

"How, as bait for the Resistance?"

Kylo stood up straight, shifting his weight. "Yes, among other things."

"So, we're keeping this nuisance just for that? We could easily find a less... troublesome prisoner for that."

You quickly shot up, the shackle around your ankle clanking loudly. 

"And I'm going to keep being troublesome you little shit," you hissed. "I will never stop being troublesome until the First Order is finished."

Hux looked amused, only slightly alarmed. Kylo clasped his hands in front of him, straightening his posture. "She is quite the little fighter, fairly skilled given her elementary-level training."

Hux rolled his eyes. "Well that's excellent and all, but we don't need more soldiers. So, what are you planning to get out of her that could be worth all this trouble?"

A beat. "Her compliance, harnessing her abilities with the Force on behalf of the First Order."

You cringed at the maniacal look on Hux's face. "If you think you can manage to tame the little beast and obtain her loyalty, you may be right - she just might be useful," Hux said, smiling as his eyes never left yours. 

His tone made you sick. But Kylo's next words made you even more nauseous. 

"Oh, she will give in, over time," Kylo said, laughing darkly. 

You were too disgusted to object or restate your defiance. 

"Then let's not damage her or accidentally kill her until then," Hux concluded. 

You would've spit in his face if your mouth hadn't been so dry and you hadn't been so dizzy. 

Kylo stepped forward and with a wave of his hand, unlocked your restraint. Your taste of freedom was cut short however, when Kylo grabbed your upper arm roughly and yanked you to your feet. Your face reddened with embarrassment when your knees buckled beneath you and you stumbled. 

Kylo didn't pay any attention, but continued to drag you by your upper arm out of your cell and into the hallway. 

Dark gray doors, black walls, and fluorescent lighting melted into a blur as Kylo walked you quickly down the corridors, only stopping when two large doors appeared in front of you. Hux pushed them open and walked in first.

The room was pitch black, which you realized seemed to be the main color scheme of the ship. In the middle of the decent sized room, there was a thin mat. 

Kylo continued dragging you until you were standing on the mat. He stepped back to join Hux who was standing a few feet away. 

Hux gave you another disgusted look. "So why did I need to bring them in?"

Hux gestured to the wall behind you, and you turned to see two men standing there. They weren't officers and they weren't the infamous white-armored 'troopers. 

Kylo didn't answer Hux, but instead pointed at one of the men and gestured for him to step onto the mat. The anxiety in your stomach bubbled as he slowly approached, stopping once he was facing you at the opposite edge of the mat. 

You heard Ren's deep, masked voice. "Let's see if she can handle our 'troopers without a stolen blaster."

You eyes widened as you realized that the man in front was a stormtrooper in plain clothes. Meaning, he was a trained solider. 

Before you could let your anxiety take hold, Kylo spoke up. "Fight her."

Before you could object, the man in front of you lunged, swinging his fist wildly. You easily ducked but refrained from striking since you were a bit taken off guard. Turning around to face the boy as he stumbled, you crouched down slightly and got into a combat stance. 

As instructed, he came at you again. You felt slightly bad. Obviously, you'd killed 'troopers before and had actually killed 'troopers while being here, but this felt different. There was no mask obscuring his face, no armor concealing his humanity.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, right before your fist brutally connected with his cheek bone. 

Falling backwards, he landed on his tailbone and quickly scrambled to his feet, trying and failing to block the kick you had aimed at his ribs. The top of your foot connected loudly and he pitched to the side, groaning. 

Kick after kick and punch after punch landed on this poor kid until you had him fully pinned to the floor, your forearm pressed against his chest. 

His eyes were shining with tears, his militant facade giving way to the pain and fear underneath. Breathing loudly, you grimaced at the boy, trying to apologize silently. "I had no-"

You were cut off by a snap. "Go."

You looked over your shoulder at Kylo before realizing that he had ordered the other man to join in on the fight. 

There was no time for you to react before the second 'trooper had jumped onto the mat and wrenched you off the boy. You cried out as he yanked your arm backwards harshly. Despite the pain, you twisted under your arm and kicked the second 'trooper's feet out from under him.

The fight kept going, and you felt odd that there was no satisfaction in landing multiple hits at these guys. You faltered slightly, lacking the angry fire that usually came from fighting your enemies. The passionate spite that had gotten you a relatively important position within the Resistance.

That weakness gave your first opponent the chance to bear hug you from behind, holding you in place as his partner's knuckles connected with your lip.

"Sorry bout that hun," teased the 'trooper.

You suddenly didn't feel so bad about hurting this one. 

He continued assaulting you, punching you a few times in the stomach. You clenched your abs, trying to protect your ribs. The smug look on his face and condescending laughs made a new sense of anger brew in your chest.

Despite your struggling and flailing, the man kept striking you. You managed to land a few kicks on him and the one behind you, but it wasn't enough. He had just landed a particularly brutal punch to your ribs when you heard Kylo order them to stop. They halted their movements but stayed in place. 

Kylo's robes fluttered behind him as he approached your aching body, bringing his mask right next to your ear. 

"Stop resisting me, and I will make this stop."

You refused to look at him. 

"Agree to willingly train under me, and I will make this stop and bring you to my quarters."

The thought of an actual bed, some fragment of dignity, made you shiver in desire. But no matter how much this was hurting and how miserable that cell was, you wouldn't turn your back on the Resistance. Willingly training under Kylo meant giving up everything you stood for. You'd have to become a monster like him. 

What was the point of living at the cost of your soul?

Shaking with pain and anger, you turned slightly to look at him. "I'd rather die."

You heard a low growl from his mask as he stepped back. "So be it."

The second he stepped off the mat, the 'trooper resumed his attack. A new sense of strength arose in you, and you managed to slip in a swift kick to his abdomen that elicited a small cry of pain from him. And much to your delight, you managed to free your arm enough to flick your wrist and send your attacker flying back a few feet. 

You barely heard a sound of approvement come from Hux at your Force-wielding abilities during a very unfair match. 

Apparently regular people could use the Force. Unfortunate you hadn't figured that out sooner.

Your advantage on your attacker was short lived though as the man began punching your abdomen impossibly hard, targeting the same spot in your ribs. The pain was clouding your ability to even try using the Force again. The 'trooper that was still pinning you to his chest had wrenched your arms completely useless after your brief little stunt in throwing his partner backwards without contact. 

After a particularly sharp slap across the cheek, you turned to the side as a considerable amount of blood leaked out from your mouth. 

It was then that Hux spoke up. "Alright Ren, I believe that's enough," he said. "We don't want to lose our most valuable prisoner."

"Yet," he added, grinning at you. 

Kylo stepped forward again and waved the men off, causing the 'trooper to release his hold on you. You fell to the floor, crying out as you made impact, clutching what you assumed was a now broken rib. 

You couldn't even turn away when Kylo crouched in front of you. A gloved hand reached up to your face and brought it to look at him. "I'll ask again, Little One."

You narrowed your eyes, grimacing. Trying your best to look strong despite your blood stained lips and abused body.

"Join me, and I will see to it that your injuries are treated. And you will have access to a proper living space. My living quarters," he said plainly, as if it were an easy decision. 

You were crying now, sobs silently racking your chest and making pain shoot up throughout your body. You so badly wanted to make the pain stop, so badly wanted to sleep in a warm bed again. But you couldn't. 

"No," you squeaked out. 

You didn't get to hear his reply before everything went black and you completely collapsed. 

—-

It had been four days since the fight. Four days since he'd had two of his men beat the living hell out of her, trying to win her compliance. 

She'd been left in her cell, bloodied and bruised and half conscious. Kylo had come in briefly every day to see her, only exchanging a few words with her, given her current state. 

He was stunned to discover that she wasn't aware of her abilities. And even more stunned that she actually thought normal people could use the Force. Who would be ignorant enough to think that the Force was available to just anyone?

He had to give her credit though. Not many people would be almost idiotically bold enough to try a Jedi mind trick on an armed guard not even knowing it would work. Thinking she wasn't Force-sensitive and still just going for it. 

Impressive. A bit moronic, but still impressive. 

And, he had to give her credit for it working. Most people spent quite some time - Kylo included - learning how to successfully use mind tricks. Somehow this girl shows up and gets it on the first try without any training. 

She was a Jedi, somehow. Parents and bloodline unknown. Kylo actually felt a little dumb at that. Sure, she didn't understand how the Force worked. But Kylo should at least know who this girl is and where she came from.

He made sure his prisoner was fed just barely enough to keep her alive, and had 'troopers on rotation to bring her the food and water and take her to the facilities. 

He couldn't help observing her as he sat there. He could feel her strength radiating off of her, and remembered Snoke's past warning of a future attempt to seduce him to the Light. Maybe this was it. 

And he believed that if he could turn her and make you train under him, then he could avoid that stumbling block in his completion of turning to the Dark. 

Only problem was, she was on his mind all the time. And not because he was so concentrated on turning her, but because he couldn't help but notice her beauty, or the fact that her clothes had been ripped to reveal a large part of her upper thigh and part of her chest, revealing a small fragment of her bra.

In all honesty, it would probably be smart to just kill her. Forget the whole turn-to-the-Dark-Side thing. That way, he wouldn't have to bother trying to turn her against the Resistance or try to extinguish the Light that consumed her. It'd be simple and quick. 

But he couldn't. He didn't want to kill her. More  
importantly, he didn't want to let her out of his grasp. It was a long shot, but if he could turn her, it would eliminate that obnoxious temptation from the Light, and it would strengthen the Order while weakening the Resistance. 

And then she would choose to remain at his side. 

If he could only just make her understand. 

Hux and the other officers were breathing down his neck about it. Kylo was the Supreme Leader now, and no one could really stand in the way of his decisions, but it didn't stop them from questioning his priorities. 

He simply insisted that the prisoner would be used as leverage against the Resistance, and that he would turn her. If that didn't prove viable, he assured them that he would kill her without hesitation. 

That was a lie. But Hux and the others didn't need to know that.


	4. You Can’t Be Mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re doing some hero-type shit

"Ah, well don't you look lovely."

You glared at Kylo out of the corner of your eye. It was his fault that you had a fat, busted lip, a seriously swollen cheekbone, and the shadow of a black eye. 

Oh, and your hair looked like rats had taken hold in there.

"Ah, yes well, us girls tend to not look our best when we're double-teamed and caged like an animal," you replied, smiling with your bloodied lip. 

A sound of amusement came from underneath his mask. Your eyes suddenly locked on the objects he was carrying in his hands. 

A plate with a small loaf of bread and a glass of water. 

A guard had been bringing you plates of gray mush the last however-many-days, but it was disgusting and not even close to satiating your hunger. You tried to pretend like you didn't see the actual, solid food he was holding, trying to hide the fact that you were about 0.5 seconds away from lunging across the room to get a bite.

Lucky for you, you didn't need to beg for it. Instead, he let go of the plate and floated it through the air, bringing it to gently rest on the floor in front of you.

You barely restrained yourself as you calmly reached for the bread and took a bite. He clasped his hands behind his back and slowly began pacing back and forth, his mask never leaving your face as you ate your meager food. 

The loaf was half gone when you blushed a bit, realizing that you were devouring your food at an animalistic pace. Turning away from him, you drained the cup of water and wiped your mouth with the back of your hand. 

"Please, don't feel the need to maintain any manners," he said with a low chuckle. 

"Yes, well, it's hard to eat daintily when you've gone days without actual food."

He nodded. "Yes, well, I wouldn't have had to do that if you'd been more obedient."

"You didn't have to do anything of which you did," you spat. 

He stopped moving, his mask still fixed on you. "Yes, I did," he replied. "You gave me no choice."

You rolled your eyes for the millionth time, finishing the piece of bread without any care for manners. 

The only sound in the room was the monotone breathing of Kylo's mask. A minute passed by without comment before Kylo spoke up and resumed his pacing. 

"Well, Little One, have you come to your senses?"

You knew he was asking you again if you'd comply and train with him, turn against the Resistance. You ran a hand through your hair and dramatically hummed as if you were deep in thought. 

"Yes, yes I have," you replied. 

He looked at you from behind his mask. 

"Oh?"

You nodded. "Yes, I've made the logical decision to refuse to train under a monster."

You smiled at him, watching him tense in frustration. "Oh, and not 'join the Dark Side'," you added, making air quotations with your hand and mocking his voice.

Kylo shook his head looking down. "That answer will change eventually."

"Keep dreaming," you scoffed.

"Oh I will."

You snapped your head to look at him. "What?"

He ignored you. "It's in your best interest, Little One, to-"

"For fucks sake stop calling me that! I'm not that little, you're just a big ass tree."

He ignored you again. "As I was saying before you interrupted," he muttered, "it is in your best interest, Little One, to join me. No one would be able to harm you or stop you under my guidance and protection."

Protection. What did that even look like? Nothing in your life reflected protection.

He strode towards you and crouched down, slowly taking off his helmet and setting it on the ground. You tried to avert your gaze but an invisible pressure forced you to look at him. 

"Join me," he whispered. 

Time seemed to stand still as you sat there looking at him. His gaze was practically burning you, but his hold on you wasn't letting you look away. 

Your breathing grew erratic as the eye contact continued. It felt like ice cold water was flowing through your veins and yet it felt like every bone in your body was engulfed in flames. 

"Don't be afraid," he said suddenly. "I feel it too."

You let the words sink in while you tried to deny what he was saying. With all your strength, you stifled the odd sensations you were feeling and narrowed your eyes at him. 

"The only thing I feel for you is hatred, Supreme Leader."

If you hadn't known any better, you could've sworn that a brief look of hurt passed over his face. You didn't have time to determine if that was true, because he was already standing at his full height again, taking a step backwards. 

He mindlessly fixed his gloves on his hands and brushed imaginary lint off his robes. 

"We'll deal with your obstinance later," he muttered angrily. "For now, we have business to attend to on Corellia."

You scoffed. "I'm not going anywhere with you."

You took a deep breath as you noticed a feeling of exhaustion creeping up on you. Kylo laughed suddenly, and you snapped your eyes up to his.

"What's so funny?"

"You really think you can just refuse to come with me?"

You clenched your jaw. "Fuck yes I do," you replied. "I'm not going, and you can't make me."

He moved towards you again, squatting down in front of you before taking your chin in his hand. "Ah, but I can. What do you think was in that water?"

——

You were getting really tired of waking up confused in a new location. 

From your initial scan of your surroundings, you noticed you were in a cell on a ship. And the ship was moving.

Corellia. Business to attend to. Drugged water.

Your memory came back to you in patches as you felt the drug-induced fog slowly clear from your mind.

Craning your neck, you took a closer look at your surroundings. It was pretty dark, only a small sliver of a window offering light from the stars outside. 

Squinting, you tried to adjust to the shadows when you noticed someone in the corner. 

Rolling your eyes, you cleared your throat loudly. "I'm not sure what you were taught growing up Ren, but it's creepy to watch people sleep."

You were shocked to see a nervous looking man emerge from the shadows into the patch of light in front of you. 

It was the man that had told Kylo he was needed in a meeting. And even though Kylo wasn't here, he looked just as nervous. 

"No-no, not Kylo," he squeaked, averting his gaze. 

You tilted your head, observing him. "What's your name?"

He shifted his eyes to yours, chewing his lip as though he was refraining from telling you. 

"Lieutenant Mitaka. Dopheld Mitaka."

You nodded silently, continuing to look at him. To be frank, you were enjoying how uncomfortable you were making him.

"So, does all of the First Order have a thing about watching unconscious people?"

His cheeks instantly burned bright pink and his eyes widened. "No, no, it was under order from Supreme Leader Ren."

You smiled a bit. "Meaning, he locked you in a room with a girl that could snap your neck?"

His eyes nearly popped out of his head as he swallowed nervously. Something told you that Kylo had threatened him with the same thing. 

You were about to tell him to relax and that you weren't being serious when a voice crackled over a speaker. 

"Landing t-2 minutes."

Relief washed over Mitaka as he realized his babysitting duties were over.

You noticed that your hands were shackled in front of you, a short chain connecting the cuffs that allowed you a limited range of motion. Pressing your back against the wall, you pushed on your heels and slowly came to your feet. 

Mitaka quickly stepped towards you and placed a hand on your upper arm, guiding you up a couple metal stairs and through the door. It was such a stark contrast what you had grown used to. He was gentle, not gripping your arm hard but simply guiding you. 

The two of you were nearing the center of the ship when Mitaka awkwardly cleared his throat. "Ren keeps referring to you as the girl. What is your actual name?"

You were about to answer, your heart softening at the politeness he was showing you. But before you could properly introduce yourself, Kylo came into view. 

"Oh honey you're here, I was worried sick."

You heard Mitaka laugh quietly, trying to disguise it as a cough. Kylo didn't seem to find it amusing. He roughly grabbed your arm from Mitaka and you immediately missed having a gentle hold on your arm rather than Kylo holding onto you like you could float away. 

He dragged you across the ship until you reached the ramp that was slowly lowering. 

You were standing on his left and tried to take a peek at him from your peripherals. The mask concealed any facial expression as he stared dead ahead. 

"Do you make a habit of bringing all your prisoners on your little field trips?"

"No, only the prisoners that try to light my ship on fire."

You smiled slightly, a little bit proud of the damage you'd caused his property. The smile vanished however, when the ramp was fully lowered and Kylo continued to drag you with him. 

You'd never been to Corellia before, but you'd heard a lot about it growing up. Back at the base some of the pilots had told you stories about the planet, filling your mind with probably unrealistic visions of Coronet City.

Unfortunately, you were far from Coronet. You were in some desolate area, the shuttle having landed in an abandoned field on the edge of some forest. 

"I would highly suggest that you don't try to escape."

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. "It's not like I'd have anywhere to go," you said, gesturing to the empty landscape.

There really was no opportunity to escape around you. The edge of the city and its civilizations weren't even in view and as athletic as you believed you were, you didn't have the ability to run miles and miles without stopping. 

So really, there was no shot of escaping here.   
Not unless you commandeered a tree and turned it into a speeder. You walked next to Kylo, your legs working three times as fast to keep up with him. 

"So what are we doing here?"

"I don't believe it's impertinent that you know, little one."

You rolled your eyes and huffed. It must've made him pity you a bit, because he sighed loudly and answered you. "An armory," he said quietly. "The First Order is in the process of commissioning new ships."

You tried your hardest to keep your expression unreadable. 

An armory. New ships. 

It was bittersweet. That's the information that you'd came for, the information that was on the data chip tucked into your bra. Not that you'd be able to relay the information to the Resistance, but at least you knew where one armory was located. 

According to Kylo, you were nearing the destination when you noticed what looked like a lake to your left.   
You smiled a little bit. It looked so whimsical and colorful in comparison to the dull, lifeless scenery surrounding it. 

But you were brought out of your little daydream when the trooper in front of you crumpled to the ground with a gaping hole in his armor. 

"Fire!"

Hux screamed orders at his troops as he realized they were under attack. 

Snapping your head to where the shots were coming from, you noticed masked fighters camouflaged in the trees. 

So I guess someone had an issue with the new ships and armory. 

"Don't do anything stupid," you heard Kylo say before he left your side. 

Not that you wanted to follow his orders, but you knew he was right. You'd already come to terms with the fact that there was no place for you to go, no chance to get away.

So when you started running and dodging fire, it wasn't to escape. It was to try and avoid getting impaled by some pissed off locals. 

A blaster skidded to your feet and you picked it up. It was a bit difficult to handle considering your arms were still bound, but the chain gave you enough leeway to fire your weapon. 

Much to your chagrin, you took out three of the assailants with ease, saving several 'troopers in the process. 

You cried out when a spear brushed your arm and slashed open your skin. Blasters fired around you as you clutched your wound and stumbled to a tree, ducking behind it for protection. 

You heard rustling of leaves above you and spotted another assailant shrouded in the branches yards above your head. You swallowed thickly when you noticed an extremely large blaster pointed directly at your head. Raising your restrained arms above you, you curled your fingers inwards and brought the man to the ground with a sickening thud. 

A cry rang out to the side of you. White armor was flailing in the lake you had been daydreaming about earlier. Your breath hitched when you realize it's the young man you had been forced to fight. 

Over your shoulder, you saw the conflict dwindling down. The attackers were gravely outnumbered, so you weren't surprised that the First Order had gotten the upper hand rather quickly. 

You couldn't ignore the sight of the 'trooper drowning. It pulled on your heartstrings despite your resistance. When he was fighting you, his eyes showed a scared little boy that didn't actually want to hurt you. 

In fact, you had felt him flinch every time his partner had struck you when he had subdued you during the fight Kylo had ordered. You couldn't stop replaying the sound of him gasping when he'd seen the blood stream from your lip. 

Dammit. 

That obnoxious moral compass of yours got the better of you, and you took off running in the direction of the lake and the drowning soldier. 

Small pebbles that made up the lakeshore flew from under your feet as you ungracefully ran towards the water with bound wrists. You quickly slid your feet out of your boots and continued running until you dove head first into the chilled water. 

You cried out as the water stung your open wound and colored the clear water with crimson blood. 

"Hold on!" You yelled for the boy that was clearly about to be completely submerged in the water, your heart twitching when you saw the sheer panic in his eyes. 

I'm right here, hold on. 

Once you reached him, you noticed a huge slash in his chest armor that was slowly allowing for it to full up with water and drag him down. He flailed his arms, struggling to keep his arms above water. 

"I got you, I'm here," you said breathlessly. 

Tossing the chain that connected your wrists over his head and under his arms, you pulled him onto his back and began swimming back to shore. 

The clear water was foaming as you furiously kicked and struggled to carry his weight through the water. He sputtered as he choked in the water, and you did the same as he was inadvertently pushed you under the surface. 

His movements were slowing and you knew you didn't have much time to get him to shore. Solid land was in view, a dozen feet away. But the exhaustion was creeping up on you. And so was the excruciating pain in your arm.

Right on cue, you saw two troopers appear on the shore.

"Get a medic or something!"

Your mouth filled with water as you yelled the order to the soldiers. The irony wasn't lost on you as you realized a Resistance fighter turned prisoner was giving orders two members of the First Order. But the 'troopers complied. 

Finally, your skin scratched against the rocks and you dragged the waterlogged man off of you and out of the water. 

"Get the armor off and start CPR," you ordered to the troopers that were dragging the boy onto flatter land. 

"What the-"

You heard Hux's shrill voice as you rolled onto your side and coughed up the water that was filling your lungs. 

Mixing with the blood flowing from you, the water created a bright red puddle underneath you. Dwindling blaster fire, heavy stomps, the obnoxious voice of Hux, and the unmistakable robotic breathing filled your senses as you could slowly feel your consciousness retreating. 

Kylo quickly walked towards your splayed body as Hux stood there, mouth open like a dumbfounded fish as he tried to comprehend what just happened. 

The black mass crouched next to you. Despite your exhaustion, overwhelming pain, and labored breathing, you looked up at him and raised an eyebrow. 

"Hey, I didn't try to escape so you can't be mad."

It could've been your delirium, but you swore you heard a low chuckle from beneath the mask. The laugh, however, quickly faded as you continued to cough up water and your eyes became extremely heavy.

You couldn't even enjoy your witty comment before you could feel your consciousness receding. And strong, black clad arms picking you up.


	5. One Day, Little One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well. What is Ren going to do with you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I’m a sucker for comments, feel free to leave some!

Your mind woke before the rest of you did. Faint noises fell on your ears as your eyes remained closed. 

Lying down. On a bed. Not cold, not wet. Not sure where I am.

You finally pried your heavy eyes open as a dark ceiling came into view. 

A groan passed through your lips. Even though the ceiling was pitch black, the minimal light surrounding you still stung your eyes. 

"Morning."

The sudden voice startled you beyond belief, causing you to scream and to your dismay, fling yourself right off the bed. 

Scrambling to sit up, your field of vision was nothing but a sea of black. 

"Do you have a habit of watching people sleep?"

He didn't have his mask on which kind of surprised you.

"No," he replied plainly. 

Rolling your eyes, you brought a hand to your arm and felt some bandages covering your wound. The pain was still there, but dull and manageable.

Suddenly, you realized you were in some unknown place. 

"Where the fuck am I?"

You weren't in a cell, you weren't in an interrogation room, but in an actual room.

"Language," he admonished, causing you to roll your eyes. "And in a room. Where you'll be staying."

You furrowed your brows, utterly confused. Before you could request clarification, he spoke up again.   
"Your room is attached to my quarters."

Your room. It made your skin crawl. It felt like he was establishing your permanent residence here, giving you ties here. And all it did was remind you of what your reality had become.

"Why am I being held in your quarters?"

He showed no emotion. As usual.

"Because there aren't any cells or interrogation rooms next to my quarters," he replied. "And I need to keep my eye on you, little one."

The smug look on his face made your face contort in disgust. Before you could make some comment about your ability to easily overpower his men and strangle that ginger dork from across the room, you noticed that you weren't in your clothes. You were in black pants and a black shirt - naturally. And a black sweater over top.

Frantically, you looked at him. "How did- Did you change-"

"Would you rather I let you die of hypothermia?"

Well, obviously, no. 

But you didn't want to give him that satisfaction. Luckily, you didn't have to.

"A nurse did," he added, "A female nurse."

You relaxed a bit. And you blushed slightly realizing that he took the time to have a female nurse change you. Maintaining your dignity even while unconscious. 

But then your stomach dropped. You could tell that the data chip you'd swiped was no longer tucked safely in your bra. Either it had fallen out in the lake or the nurse had confiscated it. 

Had Kylo taken it?

If he had, he surely would've strung you up and tortured you until you told him what was on the chip. 

It didn't really matter anymore. Even if you had still kept it secured in your undergarment, it'd be waterlogged. Besides, it's not like you could get it back to base. 

You were never going to go back to base. 

You went to run a hand through your hair but realized it was braided. Furrowing your eyebrows, you looked at Kylo. 

"Did she braid my hair too?"

A beat. "Yes," he replied flatly.

Hell would freeze over before he'd admit that it had actually been him that braided your hair. 

The nurse had changed you after redressing your wounds with fresh bandages. He had insisted that you be moved into an actual room after receiving immediate attention in the med bay. 

After the nurse was done, she'd walked outside to tell him that you were alright now, and would probably remain asleep until the pain medication wore off in a few hours. 

He walked in quietly, shutting the door gently. You looked so peaceful, so delicate in the bed. 

A fighter, a girl with the true heart of a soldier, breathing lightly with her head buried in a pillow. 

It was then that he could get a look at you while you were resting without your face being severely bruised. Now, he had the chance to see just how beautiful you were. 

Soft strands of hair fell in front of you face, the rest in a wild mess draped over the pillowcase. Remembering the nurses words, he knew you'd be out for quite some time. So he grabbed a comb and a hair tie and climbed on the bed.

He'd taken you in his arms and adjusted you until you were sitting up, your back flush with his chest.   
Just as he was about to start, the nurse reentered the room.

"Oh, I forgot to mention-"

She stopped when she saw him sitting behind you, his arms holding you up.

Kylo's eyes widened. Regaining his composure, he stretched his hand out. 

"The prisoner was alone in the room when you came in."

The nurse's eyes glazed over slightly. 

"The prisoner was alone in the room when I came in."

Kylo relaxed slightly until he realized the nurse was still just standing there. 

"You will leave."

"I will leave," she repeated before walking out. 

Once the door shut again, he relaxed his shoulders and let out a deep exhale. Gently, making sure to keep your head supported, he'd combed through your tangled locks and put it in a simple braid. 

He was brought out of his little daydream when you spoke up. 

"Ah, well that was nice of her," you whispered quietly, continuing to run your hands over the plait. 

A silence fell, and oddly, it wasn't stifling and it wasn't uncomfortable. You remained in your sitting position, fiddling with the hem of your sweater.

He abruptly stood up, awkwardly clearing his throat. Kylo said nothing as he smoothed out his robes and left the room in a hurry. 

It was a quick walk to his destination considering it was still in his living quarters. But by the time he entered the small room where his grandfather's helmet was kept, his breath was loud and erratic. The same as his current state of mind. 

He'd never been good at controlling his temper, but he was really, really bad at controlling his thoughts. 

His thoughts about you. 

Back in the med bay, he'd lowered you onto a bed in a private room. He didn't want the entire damn ship to know that his prisoner was getting medical attention. 

The minute he'd set you down, a nurse had rushed over and begun to get you cleaned up and stabilized. That meant, of course, that the nurse had to remove your badly ripped and soaking wet clothes. 

He'd bit his lip so hard that he drew blood to keep himself from audibly groaning when your shirt was removed. The sight of your wet skin in just your bra was enough drive him up a damn wall. 

It got nearly unbearable when the nurse slid off your pants. Now, you were laying flat on a bed almost completely naked, water glistening on your skin. 

He'd grumbled to the nurse to alert him when you were stable and quickly left. 

Kylo couldn't stay in the room while he was imagining what he'd do to you, given the chance.

He was an asshole and a monster, but he wouldn't touch you like that unless you wanted him to. And you didn't. 

Yet.

But, fuck, if you gave him the chance, the list of things he'd do would be endless. 

He wouldn't hesitate to spread your legs wide open, instantly licking the entire length of your cunt. Bringing a hand up to press his thumb on your clit, slowly circling it, gently flicking it while you squirmed at his touch. Drag his hand down to your opening and slowly sliding a finger in, before spreading your slickness over your pussy. 

He'd add another finger and groan at how you were already stretching around him, bringing his lips to your clit. Sucking on it like it was the only thing keeping him alive, moaning against you when you gasped and pulled on his hair. Make you cum hard all over his hand and mouth before pressing his cock into your entrance. 

He'd be slow, taking his time and relishing in how tight you felt around him before he sheathed himself fully inside of you. Practically coming undone at the gasps and cries that spilled from your lips as you tried to accommodate his size.

You'd be such an obedient little one, burying your face in his neck while you begged to cum on him. And of course, he'd let you, and whisper for you to let go. Let go all over his cock. 

In the midst of his thoughts, his eyes caught his reflection in the shining black walls of the room. 

All this thinking and dreaming was in vain. You'd never want him that way. Never see him as more than a horrific shell of a human. Maybe not even a human. 

That should've made him hate you. Made him despise you and resent you for making him feel this way. 

But it didn't. If anything, it made these revolting feelings he had 10x more potent. Made him more determined to change your loyalty. 

To make matters worse, you didn't cower in fear before him. You spat smart ass remarks at him, defied him at every turn. 

You were strong, a much better fighter than he liked to admit. Smart too, considering you had managed on your own for years and years, never needing help.

But he knew you still needed something. You needed to feel safe, loved, wanted. 

He was angry and frustrated and a million other things. And the only way he knew how to deal with that was to be an asshole towards you. 

He stomped back to the room you were in, not bothering to knock. Sitting in the middle of the bed with your legs crossed, you brought your face to look at his. 

Kylo had almost forgotten that he'd instructed a 'trooper to come in and restrain your arm to the bed. The chain clinked when you turned slightly to look at him. 

"If you're tired of being a weak invalid," he spat, "Let's pick up where we left off before you nearly drowned yourself."

He could tell you were taken aback by his sudden change in demeanor. And then he saw your confused expression morph into your usual hatred. 

"What do you want from me you dick?"

A lot, little one. 

"You were here for information," he said. "What were you looking for?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What does it matter to you? I didn't succeed, and I'm stuck with you."

He hummed in response. "That's true," he conceded. 

He waited a bit before speaking again. "Do you think your little pilot friend could've managed it?"

Your face fell at the mention of Poe. How did he know about him? Better yet, how did he know he was your friend?

"Don't talk about him," you hissed.

Kylo knew that was a sore subject, knew he hit a nerve. "Why didn't he accompany you? Isn't he supposed to have your back?"

You clenched your teeth, swallowing all the explotives that you wanted to hurl at him. Kylo noticed that your chest was rising and falling quicker than before. 

"It was my choice to come alone. I wanted to personally hurt the First Order. To hurt you."

He walked over to the bed and crouched next to you. 

"You didn't want him to come, isn't that right," he whispered, sounding more like a statement than a question. 

"None of your business."

He laughed darkly. "Well, you're right- it doesn't matter," he sighed. "He won't be able to get you out of here. You know the Resistance doesn't have the resources anymore."

You shook your head, tears nearly spilling. "Shut up."

He ignored you. "He won't be coming, little one. Even if he had the ability, I'm sure he's too busy for you. It's a waste of his time to rescue an amateur Resistance fighter, a burden to the-"

"Shut the fuck up!"

The words came out of you in a cracked voice, tears now freely falling as your chest heaved. 

He didn't answer. The pain on your face showed   
that his tactic had worked. 

He'd hit a nerve, playing on your deepest insecurities and fears. Knowing there was nothing else he could or even should say, he stood up and started for the door. 

"You should've let me die at the lake."

The hurt in your cracking voice made him pause. He turned around to face you again. 

Before he could take a step, you spoke again. "Go away. Now."

And he did. 

The twinge of guilt took hold in his heart, but he ignored it. The pain in your voice was good. It meant he was getting somewhere. 

Pain is what fuels darkness, and you'd have to feel a lot of it in order to make you join him. In order to make you choose to join him. 

You'd understand one day. You'd be his. 

One day. 

———

Silence was your only companion as you sat in that room, restrained to the bed. All you could think about was Poe and how much you missed him. 

He'd had been the one that had found you. He'd watched you fend off five men at once when an attack broke out after he'd just finished his mission. Sitting outside at a backwoods cantina, it'd been relatively peaceful and deserted. A more pleasant side to Coruscant.

That was until he saw a girl being ambushed by a handful of disgusting looking men.

He'd seen your tenacity and skill as you fought them off. He saw how you ignored the unfavorable odds and stood your ground, and he knew you'd be a good fit at the Resistance. 

When another man joined the scuffle and he heard the crack of a staff against your back, he'd rushed from his seat and blasted the guy in the back of the head. Unfortunately, the prick had gotten a pretty deep slash in your side that sent you to the floor, crying out and holding the wound. 

"Hey, hey kid, I've got you," he'd called out to you as he picked you up in his arms. 

He could tell the pain was overwhelming, but you still looked at him suspiciously and pulled away from his grip.

"Who-agh- who are you?"

Despite your weakened efforts to remain alert, your head fell against his chest as he carried you bridal style back to his transport. 

"I'm with the Resistance, you're ok," he answered. 

You couldn't answer before you lost consciousness, but a slight calmness fell over you. 

When you'd woken up, you heard beeping and saw white sterile walls around you. 

You groaned and squinted, the brightness stinging your eyes. 

"Hey."

You heard a gentle, male voice to your left and sat up. Which wasn't a smart idea. 

"Ow, fuck."

Pain shot through the slash on your side and what you assumed was a gigantic bruise on your back. You heard a laugh, but it wasn't the same as the first voice. 

You looked up to see an older woman standing poised in front of you, next to the man that had saved you earlier. 

Redness immediately spread up your cheeks at your words.

"Where am I?"

The man answered. "Our base."

"And I'm Poe, by the way." 

He smiled at you, his teeth a stark contrast to his dark hair and tanned skin. 

You whispered your name before looking up at the woman. 

"I'm General Organa, I'm glad you're alright," she said.

Your eyes widened. You were looking at the General Leia Organa. And you'd just said fuck in front of her.

Smiling softly at her, you thanked her. You weren't sure why, but she was looking at you quizzically. Not meanly, not making you uncomfortable, but just focused on your features.

Just as sudden as it had appeared, the intent look on her face vanished and she smiled at you again. 

"Welcome."

Once you'd been cleared, Poe had come back to show you to your room. "It's next to my room, so if you need anything just walk next door," he informed you. 

He'd helped you get acclimated and had stuck around for a bit, just talking to you. 

Poe kind of filled you in on life around the base, and asked if you'd be interested in sticking around. The way he'd complimented your fighting ability made you blush. 

You thought about it for a second. It's not like you had anything to go back to. 

"Yes," you'd replied, making your new friend smile widely.

He'd left shortly after, but told you to rest and that he'd be back soon with more information.

Unfortunately, you'd see him again soon. That very first night in your room, actually. 

Poe had rushed into your room when he heard you screaming and sobbing. Flinging the door open, he saw you tossing and turning in your bed, screaming and crying with your eyes closed.

He shook you gently until you woke up. You were so startled you slapped him across his face. 

You didn't need to apologize. The look on his face told you that he understood. 

The tears kept flowing despite your best efforts, so he sat next to you on your bed and wrapped his arms around you.

After a few minutes, he noticed that your flailing had caused the wound on your side to start bleeding. You couldn't believe it when he ran to his room and came back with bandages and an ointment. 

You'd never had someone do that for you. Especially a guy. 

He could tell it startled you, having someone so close to you, by the way you flinched under his embrace and covered your stomach when he lifted your shirt, trying to redress your wound. 

The next morning, after he'd helped you fall back asleep, he brought you a cup of tea. It was a small gesture, but it meant more to you than you could tell him.

Fast forward eight months, and he was now your best friend. 

Oh, and you were being held captive by Kylo Ren, and now Poe probably thought you were dead.

You missed him more than anything. And you hated yourself for not bringing him with. 

Paranoia crept into your mind. Would he forget about you? Would he replace you, let you fade from his memory as you wasted away here?

It was all consuming panic and fear. Utter loneliness. Loneliness that melted into pure anger the longer you sat alone on that bed.

Kylo didn't grace you with his presence for nearly a week, which gave you six days to do nothing but let that anger fester and boil inside of you. 

You weren't sure what Kylo's purpose was in aggravating you like this, but what you did know was that you weren't going to give that asshole anything. 

Kylo Ren was going to be finished. And you were going to be the one that finished him.


	6. At Terrified, Lonely Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We start to understand Kylo a lil bit better

You were falling into a routine. 

Twice a day, you'd get food. Twice a day, a guard would come in and take you to the washroom attached to the room, standing obnoxiously close to the door while you relieved yourself. Every other day, one of your trips to the washroom would include a quick, unfortunately chilly shower. And of course, the 'trooper would stand his white armored ass right outside the door until you were redressed. 

You were growing accustomed to what your daily life had become as a prisoner. The lack of privacy, the complete loss of independence. It became second nature.

And it made your skin crawl.

On day seven of you pretending that Kylo had vanished into thin air, he unfortunately came to visit you and ruined your little fantasy.

But it was different from his usual visits. 

You were exiting the washroom, expecting a guard to be waiting for you with your shackles. Instead, you saw Kylo waiting for you on your bed.

"I see you're adjusting well, Little One," he said. 

Rolling your eyes, you crossed your arms over your chest and stayed quiet. If you stopped engaging, maybe he'd leave you alone.

"Ah, you've decided not to speak to me."

Crickets. 

"Good," he said, "then I won't have to listen to you."

He slowly removed his helmet and set it down next to him before standing up. With a swift flick of his wrist, you were being brought towards him against your will. 

You stopped a foot away from him which was still too close for your liking. 

"How did you learn to use a lightsaber like that?"

You narrowed your eyes at him but didn't respond. He brought a hand up to your chin, pointing your face at his. "If you know what's best for you, you'll cooperate right now," he warned. 

The look in his eye told you that he wasn't messing around right now. 

Pick your battles. 

"I didn't learn," you replied honestly. 

He clenched his jaw. "Fine, if you don't cooperate, then we'll have to do this the hard way."

Before you could object and tell him that you were actually telling the truth, he raised his hand to your temple. 

You tried as hard as possible, throwing up mental barriers. It went on for a minute or so until the pain reached a tipping point, and those barriers cracked under his probing. 

Images flashed across your closed eyelids. 

You were speaking with the General right before you'd left. She'd told you to stay put for a second, and when she came back, she'd handed you her lightsaber. 

Naturally, you objected, saying that you had no idea what you were doing. She dismissed your concerns and pressed the weapon into your hands. 

"You'll know," she'd said quietly. 

The images disappeared and so did the pain of Kylo's probing. You were left laboring for breath and frantically wiping your tears. 

"I told you the truth!" you yelled at him, your voice laced with anger.

He was taken aback by not only your loud voice but by the fact that you were telling the truth.

"That doesn't make any sense," he mumbled. 

"Just because you don't know something does not mean you can hurt people, you fucking asshole," you hissed. 

"Watch that filthy little mouth of yours," he warned, pointing a finger in your face. 

Apparently, you had a death wish. 

"Make me," you replied through gritted teeth. 

That agonizing pain in your skull returned. You screamed out at the intrusion, but instead of just keeping him at bay, you pushed back against him. 

The invasive tendrils of discomfort in your mind were receding, confirmed by the frustrated noises from Kylo.

With one final effort, you pushed back against his invasion. 

You thought it'd worked when your mind felt unoccupied again. It had worked, but not in the way you'd thought. 

A jolt of electricity shot through you, and you realized you were inside Kylo's mind, playing at his memories. 

Images of him with his parents as a child flashed through his mind. You saw the General and Han Solo leaving him, tears in their eyes as they did. The abandonment and loneliness that Kylo had felt in that moment was tangible. So clear, so potent, you felt it like it was your own. It nearly knocked the wind out of your lungs.

Faintly, you heard Kylo whispering for his mother in between tears. She looked at him sadly, but turned away and kept walking with her head down. 

The scene vanished and you were left looking at darkness while a deep, bone-chilling voice echoed.

They fear you because you're powerful. 

They don't love you, they're afraid of you. 

I can show you the Dark Side.

The scene shifted again. It took you so off guard that your concentration nearly broke.

It was an image of you. Kylo was carrying your limp, unconscious body in his arms. 

It was after the incident at the lake. You were soaking wet, your skin tinged with blue as he laid you down on the bed in his ship.

You couldn't believe it. He'd carried you away from the lake personally, laying you down and putting a blanket on top of you to warm your body. 

The hold on Kylo's mind snapped, and you were brought back to the present. All you could hear was your shaky breaths. 

Looking in front of you, you saw Kylo on one knee. His eyes were watery, his breathing uneven. 

You expected him to lunge after you or finally kill you. But he just stared at you, his mouth slightly open. 

Words died on your tongue as you tried to sputter out an explanation. But you didn't have one. You had no explanation to give the man in front of you. 

He didn't budge, but you noticed how close to tears he was. Against your better judgement, you kneeled down in front of him. 

He was still your captor, still your enemy. But right now, he looked so human. Vulnerable. Broken. 

Tentatively, you brought a hand up to his cheek. He was alarmed, clearly in uncharted territory. 

But he leaned into your touch slightly, his eyes never leaving yours.

"I didn't know," you whispered. 

You knew Ben was still in there because you were looking at him right now. 

A terrified, lonely boy. 

"Why did she leave-"

Your hand fell from his face as he quickly stood up, breaking the trance of the moment.

He stood in front of you, peering down at you with eyes widened in shock. It was silent until you conjured up something to say. 

"I-I felt what you felt," you said breathlessly. "It felt like they were my feelings. Why?"

You looked up at him through watery lashes, waiting for an explanation. Something to explain how you did that, why his emotions were so tangible, so real. 

He didn't offer an explanation. As his typical reaction, he spun around on his heel and fled the room like it was on fire.

———

He left her alone for five more fucking days. He didn't come see her once, not even while she was asleep.

How could he have been such an idiot? He'd let his guard down around her, let his feelings, his raw attraction cloud his judgement. 

But as much as he wanted to rip his prisoner to shreds for invading his mind, he couldn't. One, because he'd done the same thing to her multiple times. And two, because that look, that fucking look  
in her eyes when she touched his face. 

She looked sympathetic, understanding, comforting. He'd subconsciously leaned into the touch, relishing in the feeling of your gentle hand on his face. Just touching him slightly, your palm brushing over the scar you'd given him. 

You'd actually touched him. A monster, your captor, a killer. He'd dreamt of it, thought it was nothing more than a fantasy. But it was real. So, so real. 

But of course he'd had to ruin it and run out of there. 

He could've stayed. In fact, he should've. You had let your guard down too, stroked his face without recoiling immediately. You'd voluntarily come near him. That could've been his chance. 

He imagined leaning in to close the gap, barely pressing his lips to yours. He imagined you reciprocating, pressing your lips back into his firmly, snaking your hands to rest around his neck. Wrapping his arms around your waist, he'd bring you against him, groaning when he felt your chest against his. He'd bring you onto his lap, holding your hips firmly as he slid his tongue past those perfect lips of yours.

He even dared to imagine it going further - you letting him pick you up and drop onto the bed with you still in his arms. You'd let him in, figuratively and literally. 

Finally letting him slide his hands up your shirt, massaging your breasts and pinching your nipples gently as you whined and moaned under him. And finally, finally, you'd let him spread your legs and bury his head in between your warm thighs. You'd be dripping wet, soaked with desire, all because of him.

He could make you feel good for once, rather than hurting you. The different scenarios, different ways to pleasure you, were endless, swirling around in his imagination unencumbered by reality. 

But that was all it was: Imagination. 

If he had actually had a chance, he'd blown it by running out of there. And he'd really ruined his chances by avoiding for you five fucking days. 

But maybe it was the right choice. Even if you had let him kiss you, let him fuck you, maybe even hold you, it'd just harm him. 

Because you would only let Ben do that. Not Kylo. 

Would it be worth it, to revive that long-gone part of him for you? Allow Ben Solo to live briefly, so he could have you, and you could have him? 

Would it be enough to only be Ben with you, for you? Or would you need him to be Ben all the time?

He had no answer, but he wasn't going to get an answer unless he stopped avoiding you. 

_Guess I'll go see her before she forgets me._


	7. Then Help Me Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s gettin hot in here

You were in one of your usual spots when Kylo came in. Leaning against the wall, looking out of the small window.

After the little incident, you assumed Kylo had instructed the 'troopers not to restrain you because each day when they came with your food, they didn't bring shackles with.

They left the washroom unlocked too, except they still didn't allow any water to run through the shower. Apparently, your captors must've thought you'd drown yourself standing up.

He was giving you more leeway, a water downed version of independence. It wasn't much, but it hadn't gone unnoticed.

The noise of him entering made you turn your head. A snarky comment formed on your tongue out of habit but you held it back when you saw him standing in the center of the room.

He looked haggard. His mask was off, his hair was slightly messy, dark circles hung under his eyes.

"You shouldn't have seen any of that," he whispered.

He sounded young, almost. His voice was still deep, but he sounded like a child that got caught stealing a cookie.

"I know," you replied. "But I'm glad I did."

His eyes snapped up to yours, searching you.

You wanted to bring up everything you'd seen, ask him a million questions. Especially about the way he'd carried you back to the ship when you almost drowned.

You decided on a less threatening topic. "Why did I feel your emotions so clearly?"

No emotion appeared on his face. It was blank, any sign of vulnerability that you'd seen gone. "I'm not sure yet," he replied.

Yet? What did that mean?

You didn't want to press any further, sensing that he wasn't in the mood to talk or field any more questions.

A silence fell. It was suffocating, loud, uncomfortable. You were sure this was a bad idea, but you took a deep breath and said what you wanted to say anyways.

"You're not too far gone, you know," you said quietly. "You can still come back."

He closed the gap in between you in two quick strides, effectively trapping you between him and the wall.

"You don't understand," he seethed. "You don't know the half of it."

Your lip was quivering slightly, but you held your ground."Then help me understand."

He was shaking with anger, eyes darting across your face. His breath was loud, his nostrils flared as he looked at you. Unsure of what to do next. What to say.

After a minute, he calmed down slightly.

Silently, he brought his hand close to your stomach and gestured for you to take the glove off. You did, shivering when you came into contact with the bare skin. You dropped the glove while your eyes stayed locked on his. He brought a hand to your temple and gently pressed into your skin, closing his eyes.

Your eyes flew shut as images flooded your mind. Kylo was asleep on a small bed, nestled under a blanket. By the lack of a permanent frown on his face, you knew that this was before Kylo Ren took hold inside of the boy that used to be Ben Solo.

The scene was quiet until the blue glow of a saber came into view behind Ben's sleeping form and you saw a man holding it.

The man was going to kill Ben.

You focused in on the figure and nearly fell over when you realized it was Luke Skywalker. The Luke Skywalker. Legendary Jedi master, son of Darth Vader.

His own fucking uncle.

Before the Jedi master could lower his weapon onto his nephew, Ben summoned his own saber and ignited it, blocking the strike.

The breath flew from your lungs when you saw the look on his face, again feeling the emotions in him as if they were yours.

He looked scared, alarmed, shocked. But mostly, he looked absolutely betrayed and hurt beyond repair.

The scene shifted, but it was still the same night. He was in the middle of a destroyed temple, collapsed on his knees as his body shook with sobs. Pulling at his hair, rocking back in forth in the pouring down rain. He was screaming for something to stop as he held his head in his hands.

The vision of Ben wavered just as he raised his eyes and seemed to look directly at you. Tears streaming down his face, mixing with the blood dripping from a cut on his forehead.

With that, the vision ended.

You were brought back to reality. Still standing pressed against the wall under his towering form, your chest was rising rapidly as you tried to regain your breath.

His face was so close to yours and his bare fingers still rested on your temple.

It felt like you were having an out of body experience. You brought your hand up from your side and gently placed it on his chest.

You could feel his heart beating under your fingers. A few tears fell down your cheek as you raised your head to look at him.

The fingers pressed to your temple trailed down your face until your face was being held in his hand.

"How could he?"

His eyes locked on yours. "Because he saw the monster I am before I even was one."

More tears fell at his words. You let silence fall again briefly, savoring the moment of vulnerability. Treasuring the fact that for some reason, you weren't scared of him right now.

"You aren't a monster," you whispered.

Kylo's eyes widened at your words. He was afraid that his mind was playing tricks on him, that you hadn't just said what he thought you just said.

He must've heard correctly because less than a second later, you were wrapping your arms around his neck and hugging him.

You weren't sure why you did it, but you felt compelled. Like reaching out to him, embracing him, was the natural response.

It took him a second to register what was happening, but when he did, he wrapped his arms around your waist like you'd float away if he let go.

He pulled back first after a minute and dared to bring his hand back up to your face.

Now or never.

He leaned into you and ghosted his lips against yours, holding his breath to see your reaction. And then his world turned upside-fucking-down.

You pressed back every so slightly, your grip on his neck tightening. But the utter bliss was short lived. You pulled back, your eyes wide.

"I shouldn't have- I'm sorry-"

He didn't bother to let you finish before he released you and stepped back. The look on his face shot daggers into your heart. It was almost the same look on his face in the vision you'd seen.

You made him look the same as he did when his uncle tried to kill him.

The words couldn't come out of your mouth fast enough. He was gone.

———

The sound of his helmet colliding with the wall was deafening.

How could he have been that foolish, that näive?

He should've known you wouldn't let it happen. Even though it seemed like you were warming up to, like you understood, you weren't going to let it go any farther.

And that angered him and saddened him more than anything.

He knew he'd lose it if he didn't calm down. Jumping in the shower, he let the freezing cold water run over him, wash away any trace of you. Any trace of that intimate moment or your kindness.

This is exactly why he shouldn't let himself feel things. All it did was hurt him.

Across the hall, his guest was going through the same shit.

How could I let him kiss me? Wait, no, how could I kiss him back?

It was your fault. You'd hugged him, touched his face, leaned into his touch.

Huffing in frustration, you flopped onto your bed and closed your eyes.

The minute your eyes shut, all you could see was his face, the way his lashes fluttered before he leaned in to kiss you. How hurt he looked when you pulled away.

It's not like you wanted to pull away.

You'd finally seen the person underneath the facade, finally saw why he turned out the way he was.

It made you stop seeing him as the devil and start seeing him as a man that needs help, a man that wants to feel loved and cared for.

Just like you.

It had taken everything in you to not deepen that kiss, wrap your leg around his waist, run your hands down his chest. You wanted to, badly, and that's what scared you.

You wanted him in a way that you really, really shouldn't have.

Because at the end of the day, he was still holding you captive, he was still your enemy. Sleeping with the enemy - literally - wasn't a good idea. You were trying to convince yourself that his vulnerability, that kiss, it was all part of his plan to, quite literally, seduce you to the Dark Side.

But you couldn't deny how genuine he'd looked. The way his eyes betrayed him, showing you the person he tried so hard to bury. Showing the desire he couldn't get rid of.

The way he looked at you making your heart flutter.

As much as you tried to ignore it, you couldn't. The Supreme Leader had kissed you and meant it. It wasn't just some trick.

It felt like you were floating as you exited your room and padded across the hallway. He'd left your room unlocked since his bedroom was seriously locked down to keep you out, and so was the entrance to his entire living quarters.

You squeezed your eyes shut as you brought your hand up to knock on the cold metal. Every nerve in your body was telling you not to reach out to him.

But you did.

After a few seconds, the door slowly opened but revealed no one standing opposite of you. Instead, you saw Kylo sitting on his bed across the room, his hand slowly lowering from opening the door.

You were already nervous but the sight of him shirtless made you choke on your words. Despite the nerves, you stepped into the room and closed the door behind you.

He sat facing away from you, showing you his bare back. Blush crept up your cheeks as you noticed the muscles rippling under his pale skin, the slight traces of water left from his shower.

"What do you need?"

He looked at you over his shoulder at you. His words were intended to be harsh, but they came out softly, his sadness audible in his voice.

You didn't say anything, but took a step towards the bed. He heard your footsteps and slowly stood up, turning around to fully face you. Tentatively, he took a step forward too, now only a couple feet from you.

You swallowed with effort, willing your courage not

to fail you. "Why, why did your parents send you away?"

You ignored the fear rising in your chest, waiting for his answer. He flinched slightly but soon relaxed his shoulders, taking another step towards you.

"My ability showed itself at a young age," he replied. "My mother couldn't train me, so she sent me away."

"To Skywalker, at the Jedi temple," you added cautiously.

He nodded. You wanted to ask him more about that fateful night but you didn't want to go too far. You moved onto the next question you had.

"Why'd you kill Snoke?"

He ran a hand through his slightly damp hair. "He told me I'd have to kill my fath- Han Solo."

You sucked in a breath. Horrified that Snoke would tell him to do that, but relieved that he refused to.

"Doesn't seem like something a good mentor would do."

"He wasn't a good mentor, but he was there when my own parents weren't," he said quietly. "When my own flesh and blood tried to kill me."

Your eyes welled up with tears. It was happening again - you could feel his emotions deeply, resonating in your chest.

He kept his gaze locked on the floor and you noticed he was nervously tapping his finger on his thigh.

"Why didn't I realize my ability sooner?"

"You ask a lot of questions." You were relieved when he brought his eyes to yours, laughing slightly.

"Yeah, well, I've never gotten a lot of answers," you admitted.

"I'm not sure why you didn't know it sooner," he replied. "But I felt it, when you did."

"What do you mean?"

"I felt a shift, a ripple in the Force."

You didn't say anything. Trying to cling to the small bit of confidence you'd uncovered, you took a couple steps forward until you were inches away from him.

He looked down at you, his eyes scanning your face. It was strange how you could find him to be intimidating one moment and then broken the next.

"I meant what I said," you whispered, looking up at him through your lashes.

His lips were pressed into a thin line as he looked at you. Studying you closely. "You're not a monster," you clarified.

For the second time that day, you brought your hand to rest on his chest, directly above his heart. Feeling the rhythmic beat in his chest, the breaths he took.

You looked at your fingers on his bare skin, taking in the feeling of being so close to him. He placed his own hand over yours, covering it completely. His other hand moved to rest gently on your hip.

He was testing the waters, waiting to see how you'd respond. Against all logic and ignoring all reasoning, you brought your other hand to his chest too and leaned into him. You knew this was a mistake, you knew it was beyond stupid.

A moment of weakness, that's all. A one time thing.

You pressed your hands against his chest firmly, lightly scratching him with your nails. He took your movements as a green light and leaned his face down, connecting his lips with yours.

This time, you didn't push him away, and you didn't pull back.

Gods you knew this was wrong but it felt so right. His lips were soft, he tasted almost sweet. It was electrifying, a mix of nervousness and excitement.

Kylo wrapped both of his arms around your waist and tugged you against him. Your hands slid from his chest and glided over his collarbones. His breath hitched as your hands came to rest around his neck, holding him gently as you deepened the kiss.

He moaned slightly and swiped his tongue across your bottom lip. You parted your lips, allowing him to slide his tongue in between. You did the same, which resulted in him gripping you tighter. One of his hands slid up from your waist to weave through your hair. He pulled slightly, tilting your head back so he could kiss down your jaw and onto your neck. He sucked gently at the tender skin on your throat, causing you to gasp and moan slightly.

You felt his erection against your thigh and pulled him towards you as you ground your hips against his. Immediately, he slid both hands to your ass and picked you up.

He was so gentle as he placed you onto the bed, never breaking the kiss as he held himself over you. His lips finally left yours but remained on your skin as he kissed down your neck again. You felt his hands at the bottom of your shirt, tugging lightly. You sat up, letting him pull it off you before laying back down. He wasted no time in reaching underneath you, his hands on the clasp of your bra. You arched your back and let him remove it.

He stopped once your top half was completely exposed to him. You squirmed slightly, not sure what to do under his gaze. He stopped you when he placed his hands on your waist, running them up your sides until he reached your chest. Gently massaging your breasts, he brought one of his hands to your hardening nipple and pinched it gently, twisting and playing with it.

He brought his lips to your sternum, kissing in between your breasts. "Beautiful," he mumbled against your skin.

You were glad he couldn't see your face, the crimson tint on your cheeks. You'd never done something like this before. Never let a man see you like this. When every day was dedicated to getting by and making it through, having a vibrant sex life was not a priority.

He kept moving lower, kissing all the way down your stomach until he reached the waistband of your pants. His fingers slowly crept into the waistband, pulling the material down. You didn't object, so he sped up his movements and quickly discarded them.

He sat back on his knees and rested his hands on your thighs. He was just looking at you, admiring the fact that you were in his bed, almost completely naked underneath him.

His movements resumed and he brought his hands back to the waistband of your panties. Painfully slowly, he slid them off of you, kissing every inch of skin that the material ran across. His lips kept peppering kisses all the way up your legs, only stopping at your ankles as he pulled your panties completely off.

You hooked your leg around his waist and he leaned back down towards you, his lips connecting with yours again. You snuck your hand in between your bodies and tugged at his waistband, urging him to remove the last garment separating you two. He quickly obeyed, standing up and removing the loose black pants in one swift motion.

You sucked in a breath at his size. His cock was completely erect, resting against his toned stomach.

Your view of him vanished as he resumed his position between your legs, sliding down until his head was nestled between your thighs. You could feel his breath against your exposed cunt, making you shiver.

Slowly, he slid his tongue past his lips and licked the length of your pussy, making you gasp. His mouth stopped to rest at your clit where he sucked gently at first. When you moaned in pleasure, he started sucking harder, flicking the hardened nub with his tongue as he did.

He brought a finger down to your enterance, pausing as he looked up at you. You took your bottom lip in between your teeth. Not wanting to admit that you'd never been touched like this before, you silently hoped that he could get the message. It seemed like he did, because he was careful and gentle as he slid a finger into you.

He groaned at the feeling, returning his lips to suck on your clit. Your hands flew to his hair, tangling your fingers in his locks. Just like he'd imagined.

He could feel you adjusting and felt you squirm against him, silently pleading for more. His fingers started pumping into you faster, his lips switching off between sucking on your clit and spreading your wetness over your entire cunt.

Adding another finger, he used his free arm to pin your hips down as he started fucking you with his fingers, intentional with each thrust of his hand.

He stopped once you were starting to come undone beneath him, wanting to delay your orgasm until he could be inside you, feel you cum on his cock. All because of him.

He leaned back up and kissed you, making you groan at the taste of yourself.

It was filthy, unlike anything you'd done before. It was completely new. And it was driving you crazy.

He dipped his head down briefly to wrap his lips around your nipples, biting gently and tugging. You arched your back, pleading for more.

You were a moaning mess when he released your breasts from his mouth. He brought a hand down to his cock, stroking it a few times and tugging on it slightly while he looked at you. His eyes still locked on yours, he lined himself up and brought his arms to rest next to your face.

You slid your hands up to his shoulder, pulling him closer. Your nerves caught up with you, suddenly extremely aware that you'd never done something like this before. Intimacy and pleasure were unfortunately not a thing when you'd spent every waking moment just trying to get by.

You looked up at Kylo. "I've-I've never-"

"I know."

He smiled at you, and you did too. Your embarrassment eased, and you let out a shaky breath. "I was just worried, because-"

"What makes you think this isn't my first time?"

Your eyes widened at his words. His hands weaved into your hair again as he supported himself on his forearms.

"Just relax," he said, as he slowly slid the tip of his cock into you.

You closed your eyes, biting on your lip. It wasn't necessarily painful yet, just foreign. He kept going slowly until he was fully inserted, a loud groan tumbling from his lips.

A wave of pain shot through you, causing your head to jerk forward. Your forehead was resting against his shoulder as you tried to stifle a cry. You felt a hand reach up to the back of your head.

"Relax," he repeated, placing a kiss to the side of your temple. "I've got you."

His words sent shivers up your spine, warmth spreading through your chest. You couldn't believe how gentle and considerate he was being.

You finally relaxed, leaning back down but keeping your hands pressed into his shoulders. He slid back slightly before thrusting in again, keeping a slow

pace as you got adjusted.

After a minute or so, the pain subsided and a wave of pleasure flooded you. Like a flip had switched, your entire body started screaming for more, pleading for harsher movements.

"Faster, please," you whispered.

He didn't need any more encouragement. He increased his pace, rolling his hips against you, groaning in the process.

"Fuck, you feel so good," he mumbled, dropping his head to the crook of your neck.

He started thrusting into you faster, hips snapping against yours harshly and you moaned loudly. The only sound in the room was skin slapping and both of your moans mixing together.

"Oh gods," you breathed, your eyes rolling back when his tip brushed a sensitive spot. He removed his head from the crook of your neck and held it above yours.

"Look at me," he ordered softly.

You did, and slid a hand up to hold his face. Your face was contorted with pleasure and he grunted lowly when you took your lip between your teeth.

You felt yourself clench around him as the pressure in your lower stomach increased. He groaned loudly at the feeling, his eyes fluttering closed.

"Fuck, if you do that again, I'm gonna-"

You cut him off by clenching around him again, eliciting an even louder, guttural moan from him. His thrusts were getting sloppier, and you felt a knot growing in your stomach. Opening his eyes again, he caught your gaze and held it, staring so intently that you thought he could see through you.

"Fuck, I-"

The words melted on your tongue when you felt his thumb in your clit.

You cried out at the sensation, jerking your hips into

his hand. His moans were loud and getting more frequent as his movements sped up. You tugged on his hair as the pleasure was getting to be too much.

Incoherent words fell from your lips, sweet nothings being whispered breathlessly.

He looked at you, completely enthralled, watching as you fell apart underneath him. "Cum for me," he ordered softly.

Youfocused on him as you felt your orgasm wash over you, a scream leaving your throat. He kept his hand pressed on your clit, rhythmic thrusts continuing throughout your entire orgasm until he pulled out at the last second.

He didn't even have time to stroke himself before he was spilling hot, white liquid on your stomach. He collapsed forward onto one forearm, loud groans leaving him.

A silence fell as you both laid there and came down from your highs, your fingers lazily tracing his chest while both of you caught your breath. He was the first to move. You laid there as he got up, heading to the washroom to get a towel.

He came back to the bed and gently cleaned you off, even taking the time to softly wipe the inside of your thighs. He tossed the towel away and laid down on his side next to you.

Feeling his gaze, you turned to look at him. There weren't any words, but some form of an understanding between you. After a few minutes, he rolled onto his back, copying your position. Slowly, you sat up, clutching the sheets as you tried to gain your footing.

You'd barely gotten one foot on the ground when your felt a hand gripping your arm.

Puzzled, you looked back at him, wondering what the issue was. You assumed that you'd go back to your room after.

"Stay," he whispered.

You smiled, your heart softening at the boyish look on his face. You knew that this would probably be a mistake, but you ignored that thought and walked back towards him.

You climbed back into the bed, slipping under the sheets. You faced away from him, training your eyes in the wall in front of you as you tried to process the game that Kylo Ren had just asked you to stay the night.

The sheets rustled behind you, presumably from Kylo getting situated or readjusting his position. You thought nothing of it until you felt Kylo's chest against your back and an arm around your waist.

He tugged you closer, bringing your back flush with his chest. You felt him rest his head right above yours, close enough that you could feel and hear his breathing.

You probably should've felt nervous. Sure, you'd literally just had sex with him and had certainly been this close to him, but this was different. This was after the fact. And it seemed like he still wanted to be close to you.

You let yourself relax against him, letting yourself enjoy the feeling of someone so close to you. Even if it was the Supreme Leader of the First Order. It was just nice to feel less lonely.

In no time, you were falling asleep as hands ran through your hair.


	8. Tug of War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s gettin even hotter in here. Buckle up. 
> 
> Kinda bleh chapter but get ready for whats next

The sheets next to you were cold. You'd expected him to be gone when you woke up, but a small part of you was hoping he'd stay.

You tried to sit up but felt something warm on the inside of your thighs. Almost like a tickling sensation. You'd expected to be sore this morning,  
but you hadn't expected it to be... pleasant.

Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you looked down to see a lump in the sheets. "What the-"

You pulled the sheet up and looked under to see Kylo kissing the sensitive flesh on the inside of your thigh, smiling at you. 

"Morning," he mumbled against you.

Throwing the sheet off of you completely, you laughed slightly and reached down to his hair, running your hand through it. "That's a nice alarm clock," you replied.

He reached up to grab your hand that was in his hair and slowly intertwined your fingers with his. He held it there as he slowly dragged his tongue from your thigh to your cunt, bringing his lips to hover over your clit. His breath fanned your already slick folds.

So much for your "one-time-thing" idea.

He released you in order to slide his hands under your thighs and place your legs over his shoulders. Losing all sense of patience, he pulled you towards him and eagerly attached his mouth to your clit.

Sucking in a sharp breath, you flattened your feet against his back and pressed into him, urging him on. 

He released one of your thighs from his grip and brought his hand to your entrance, gently prodding your hole.

You whimpered and pushed your hips down, aching for him to press into you. 

Someone's eager. 

You gasped when you heard Kylo's voice. Not audibly, but in your mind. 

Tell me what you want.

His voice filled your mind again, making your heart race a bit. Unsure if you could communicate with him in the same way, you closed your eyes and focused. 

You knew what you wanted. And for some reason, the way he was so attentive and gentle last night made you trust him enough to ask for it. Made you comfortable enough to be honest. 

Ignoring your shyness, you concentrated on telling him exactly what you wanted. 

Make me scream. 

It must've worked, because Kylo removed his hand and his mouth from between your legs, looking up at you with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open. You smiled, a blush creeping up your cheeks. He smiled back, except his was slightly devilish. 

Clearly, you'd said exactly what he'd wanted you to say, but hadn't expected you to admit. 

He dropped his head between your legs again, holding your clit in between his lips and sucking harshly. You jolted and moaned, signaling to him that you were enjoying a less gentle touch. 

Without any warning, he slammed two fingers into you and started pumping mercilessly. You cried out and flinched at the sudden intrusion, but almost immediately adjusted and started moaning uncontrollably as his fingers worked you open.

He curled his fingers upwards, the tip of his middle finger brushing your sweet spot. Your hips bucked into him and you grabbed the sheets in both of your fists. 

"Oh shit, right there please," you mewled, reaching for his hair with both of your hands.

His lips were still wrapped around your already swollen clit as he groaned when you tugged on his hair, making you squeal at the vibration. 

Your movements spurred him on, making him thrust his fingers into you faster than you thought possible as he kept curling his fingers methodically. Moans tumbled from you like a fucking waterfall, groans ripping from your throat, nails digging into his scalp. 

He didn't wince at your scratches. Actually, it spurred him on and made him moan against you. 

Supreme Leader has a pain kink. 

You didn't have time to laugh to yourself at how ironic that was before your orgasm came into view. Hearing your moans grow more desperate, Kylo pulled his lips off of you and looked up. You caught his eye, noticing that his chin was shining in your juices. 

"Are you going to cum for me little one?" he asked, smirking at you as his fingers kept ramming into you.

He'd called you that nickname before, and when he had, it had made your skin crawl, made you want to grab a step ladder and bash his head in. But now, much to your pleasure-filled horror, it made your pussy clench around him.

"Gods, yes I'm so close," you answered in between moans. 

He growled, curling his fingers again. You cried out, your legs beginning to shake. You were seconds away and he knew it. Remembering what you had told him earlier, his lips twitched a smirk and he moved the arm that was still holding your thigh. He brought the now free hand right above your cunt and brought it down quickly, delivering a sharp smack to your swollen clit. 

His little plan worked. 

You screamed and arched your back, nails digging into his scalp impossibly hard as your head fell onto the mattress. Your orgasm hit you incredibly hard, your legs shaking uncontrollably on his shoulders. 

Your cum and juices gushed from your hole and soaked his hand, coating his entire palm. He kept pumping you until you were fully spent and pushing his hand away. 

How was this his first time? 

He stood up as you remained in your position, gasping for air and trying to regain control of your legs. He laughed and you felt him kneel onto the bed. Carefully climbing on top of you, a satisfied expression on his face, he showed you his palm, drenched in your juices. 

You smiled sheepishly and he grinned, bringing two of his fingers to your mouth. Grabbing his wrist, you took his fingers into your mouth and sucked firmly, swirling your tongue. His mouth fell open watching you, and you felt his already stiff cock hardening even more against your thigh. You sucked him clean, released his fingers and keep his wrist in your grip. Holding eye contact, you licked a line up his palm, collecting the dripping fluid onto your tongue. 

You released his arm and he let it fall limply, his eyes never leaving yours. You felt confident thanks to the flushed expression on his face. 

Snaking a hand down, you reached for his cock that was restrained in his briefs. You traced his tip, smiling when it twitched at your touch. 

There was a knock at the door. 

"Sir, you are needed in the control room immediately," a deep, modified voice called. 

Kylo dropped his head down, cussing to himself. 

"Message received," he replied, not looking up. 

You both heard the footsteps recede. He groaned, flopping onto his back dramatically. You laughed slightly, making him sit up. 

"We'll finish this later," he replied, the darkness of his voice making you shiver. 

He stood up silently and you watched as he got dressed, admiring his form. You thought about how different things were now, just from a day ago. It felt like you were looking at a different person, it felt like you were a different person. 

In no time, Kylo was dressed and shrugging on the outer layers of his robe. You watched him cautiously.

He was dressed in his usual outfit, back to wearing the facade of Kylo Ren. And yet, you still saw Ben. 

You didn't mention that, not in the mood for him to flip the fuck out. Actually, not in the mood to ruin whatever twilight zone moment you'd entered with him last night. 

Once finished, he smoothed out the fabric and looked at you. You stood up and grabbed your clothes that he must've placed on the small leather chair in the corner.

"You should probably go back to your ce- your room," he muttered.

Your back was to him as you quickly slid on your clothes. Simply nodding, you kept getting dressed.

"Just because it would be suspicious otherwise," he added.

You smiled to yourself, noticing the way he scrambled to mention that. It seemed like he was worried that you'd feel like you were being kicked out. 

You turned around. 

"I know," you replied, smiling softly to reassure him.

He grabbed his helmet that was resting on the desk. You noticed that it was wrecked. Pointing at it, you raised an eyebrow at him.

He tucked it under his arm and huffed. "I'm getting it fixed," he mumbled before heading for the door. 

Flicking his hand, the door opened. He stopped on the threshold. 

"Wait a few minutes after I leave," he ordered.

You agreed and he took another step before pausing again. 

"I will be having the water in your shower turned on," he added, leaving in a hurry before you could respond. 

The door slid shut and you smiled. It'd be nice to finally shower on your own terms without a guard escorting you and standing right outside while you rinsed off. 

Assuming it'd been enough time, you stood up and made your way to the door. You noticed that there was a button on the wall to open the door and you laughed to yourself. 

He was so dramatic for not just hitting the button. 

You made the walk down the short hallway back to your room. Sighing, you headed towards the washroom. You really needed to shower. 

It felt lonelier now, walking into the empty room. There was no socialization now, and there wouldn't be later since you now had access to the refresher without the help of a 'trooper. You'd still have a fragment of interaction when your food was delivered though. 

Besides, Kylo would come visit you. 

Right?

The water was a bit warmer than usual as you stepped into it. Exhaustion crept up on you as you stood there, and you lazily cleaned yourself with soap and hopped out. Drying off with the rag they called a towel, you got dressed again and stumbled back to the bed. 

It wasn't even close to being as comfy as Kylo's bed. 

Wait, Kylo or Ben? What the fuck do I call him now?

You were too tired to open that can of worms again, so you continued climbing into your disappointing bed. It was strange not having someone in the bed without you.

Even though you'd only shared a bed with him for one night. 

Your head hit the pillow and within two minutes, you were fast asleep again.

It was dreamless at first. Nothing but the sweet relief of rest coursing through your mind. The silent bliss was short lived though.

You saw Kylo hovering above you, his hair hanging loosely around his face just like it had been last night. You laid underneath him, his torso secured in between your thighs. Running your hand up and down his chest, nails biting at him playfully. 

Somehow, you could see the difference in him. He wasn't the Ben you'd been with, the one you'd slept with. This person was Kylo in his full glory, a lack of vulnerability replaced by a commanding aura. 

The version of you in the dream knew that too, and yet she didn't shy away. She remained close to him, silently aching for all of him. 

You watched as you brought a finger up to trace the scar you'd given him. 

" _You're mine_ ," you whispered, eyes traveling down the healing wound. 

He growled and grabbed your wrist, pinning it above your head. He did the same to your other wrist, his lip curled over his teeth as he stared you down.

" _And you're mine_ ," he replied harshly. 

In a flash, he dropped his head to the crook of your neck, biting the soft flesh before running his tongue over the angry red mark. You struggled against his grip on your wrists, jerking your hips up too. He pulled back and narrowed his eyes at you.

" _Patience, Little One_ ," he ordered. "I'm the one in control, not you."

You licked your lips, smirking at him. Practically asking him to punish you. 

He used his free hand to grab your throat, cutting off your air supply and making your eyes roll back. 

" _So, so bad_ ," he teased. " _So bad for me_."

He released your throat briefly to grab his throbbing cock and line it up with your entrance. Bringing his hand back to your throat, he resumed his hold and brought his face close to yours. 

" _Is that what you want, Little One_?"

You nodded, whining and squirming for him to continue. He tightened his grip on your neck. 

" _I asked you a question_ ," he hissed.

" _Yes, Supreme Leader, I want this_ ," you replied. " _I want you_."

The second the words left your mouth, he slammed into you with a loud groan. You cried out and arched your back, your legs immediately wrapping around his torso.

" _Be a good girl and take it_ ," he muttered in your ear.

Your whole body shaking with his thrusts, your cries and moans urging him on. Still pulling against his grip on your wrists, you ached to touch him. To feel him, to pull him against you, to make him fuck you deeper. 

Just as he pulled his head from the crook of your neck to look at you, the dream disappeared and you woke up. 

Your chest was heaving as you looked around, unsure if that had actually been a dream. 

It was a dream, but your body responded as if it were real. You pressed your legs together, already feeling a substantial amount of wetness in between your thighs. Once your heart stopped racing and the throbbing in your pussy subsided, you laid back down and tried to fall asleep. 

Partly, because you were still tired. But also because you were hoping the dream would continue. 

Your eyes had just fluttered shut when you felt a presence in your mind. 

_Your thoughts are very loud today._

You shot up again, the unmistakable voice of Kylo echoing in your skull. 

_You're making it very hard to concentrate on this meeting, Little One._

Your heart started racing again, your breathing growing erratic. 

You could feel whatever this connection was to him like a rope in your mind. Reaching for it, you squeezed your eyes shut and focused. 

_My apologies, sir._

You smiled to yourself and waited for an answer. Pressing your legs together again, you tried to stop thinking of the dream. You didn't want Kylo to know you were still thinking about it. 

_I'll be there soon, hopefully._

Your heart dropped a bit in disappointment. The tether in between you two was fading, his voice growing quiet. 

_Sweet dreams._

That was all you heard before you felt the presence vacate your mind, leaving your thoughts to yourself again. 

You made a mental note to ask him if he could always hear your thoughts when he returned. You were almost certain he hadn't, otherwise he would've snatched that data chip from you the minute you got captured. And, he would've been able to sense you sneaking onto the ship. 

Something he openly admitted that he hadn't been able to do. 

Didn't matter though. Because now, he knew that you were dreaming of him fucking you. Being rough with you, taking control and seducing you into submission. 

Worst part was, you couldn't stop thinking about it. 

It was like you'd opened Pandora's box. As you stayed in your bed, fidgeting underneath the sheets, all you could think about was him. Him fucking you, him dominating you. 

Now that you'd had a taste, you developed an insatiable hunger that occupied every bit of your concentration. Completely fixated on feeling that pleasure again. Feeling the pleasure he gave you. 

Last night was literally the first time you'd had sex. And yet, one night's sleep later, your sex drive had skyrocketed. One tiny taste, and now all you could focus on was getting your next fix. 

You'd thought more about sex in the last hour than you had in your twenty-something years of your life. 

Your desire for Ben didn't trouble you, but your dream about Kylo sure as hell did. 

You had been falling apart under Kylo, aching for the former Jedi to fuck you into oblivion. 

Not the gentle, vulnerable Ben. 

Kylo. 

Rough, controlling, overpowering, dark. 

You had rationalized being attracted to Ben. Come to terms with it, excused it. Decided that it was alright to want Ben intimately. 

And you still thought that. So why were you all the sudden thinking of being with Kylo, longing for Ben to put on his powerful, intimidating persona and throw you onto a bed?

Groaning, you rolled over and shoved your face into the pillow. 

How sick could you be? 

You told yourself this was a one time thing. And you told yourself that it was a one time thing with Ben. 

And now, not only did you want to break this 'one-time-thing' rule, you wanted to break that rule with Kylo. 

You didn't think you'd betray yourself and develop a desire for the version of the man that captured you and had held you prisoner. 

The exhaustion crept back up on you, overwhelming the conflict currently wreaking havoc on your sanity. A tug of war between your needs and your morality. 

The tug of war still raged on, but it faded from the main stage of your mind as the relief of sleep grabbed a hold of you.


	9. Whoever You Need Me To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally my fav chapter. Seriously.

The sound of metal clinking woke you up. Your eyes flew open, clearly startled.

"Ah, look who's awake," you heard Kylo say.

You rolled over to face him and sat up. He was standing by your bed and had set a metal tray of food down on your side table. 

At the sight of the food, your stomach growled loudly. Blush crept onto your face and you snaked an arm around your stomach trying to quiet it.

He smiled at you, tilting his head. 

"Hungry?"

You rolled your eyes and looked away.

"I didn't have your lunch brought to you in case the 'troopers woke you up," he mentioned.

You heard him pick up the metal tray and you returned your eyes to him, gratefully taking the food as he handed it to you. Mumbling a quiet 'thank you', you picked up the fork and speared a piece of meat. 

The blush that was already coloring your entire face worsened as you noticed him staring at you. You looked down as you chewed, unsure of what to do.

"I've had my tongue inside of you but you're embarrassed to eat in front of me?"

After you swallowed, you looked back up at him. "That's different," you mumbled, shyly spearing another bite of food.

"If you say so," he said, laughing slightly. 

It was odd. He was dressed as Kylo and yet he was acting like Ben. Very different from your dream.

Shit. The dream. 

Your face had to be solid red by now. Trying to empty your mind, you swallowed your food and cleared your throat. "This is the first time I've been given a fork," you announced, stealing a look at him.

He smiled. "I trust you," he replied.

I trust you too. And I shouldn't.

Silence fell again as you picked at your food. Kylo took a step forward and crouched in front of you. He picked up a piece of fruit on your plate and held it to your lips. 

You parted your lips and allowed him to place it in your mouth. Letting the fruit rest on your tongue, he pulled his hand back but let his fingers linger on your lips for a few seconds. 

He watched as you chewed the fruit, laughing slightly when you smiled at the sweetness. 

"I haven't had fruit before either," you added.

Was he bribing me?

"I know," he replied, "but I figured you'd enjoy some."

You assured him you did and quickly took another bite into your mouth. In only a few minutes, you were done with your food, saving a few bites of the fruit for last. He brought you fresh water too, much better than the odd tasting water from the jug you'd been drinking from.

Silence fell again as you drank, him still just standing there, looking at you. 

"Something is bothering you," he said, standing up to his full height. 

You brought your legs onto the bed, crossing them. "No, I'm fine," you replied, avoiding his gaze. 

"You have had no issue telling me off in the past," he observed, "so why are you hesitating now?"

You shook your head again, hoping he'd drop it. 

He didn't. 

Bending over slightly, he brought his hand up and grabbed your jaw gently. 

"Tell me," he insisted. 

You shook your head again, making his grip tighten. 

"You are still the girl that showed no hesitation in cussing me out," he continued, "and you are still stubborn to the point of stupidity."

"Shut up," you mumbled, an annoyed expression on your face.

He grinned and you rolled your eyes, realizing that you did exactly what he wanted. 

"Ah, there she is," he teased, stroking your lips with his thumb.

"Is this about the dream?" he asked.

By the way you fidgeted and tried to pull away from his grip, it was clear that he was right. 

"And why is that bothering you?" 

You shook your head again stubbornly, biting your lip and still refusing to talk. He must've grown tired of your silence because he quickly wrapped his free hand around your waist and pulled you to your feet. 

Holding you tightly, he walked you into the wall, flattening his hands on either side of your head to keep you trapped. 

"I'm not going to ask again little one," he warned, his face an inch from yours.

You pressed your thighs together, feeling a wave of heat shoot to your core. Of course he noticed, a large grin spreading across your face. 

"You like when I act like this, isn't that right?" 

"No," you mumbled.

He laughed, holding your gaze. "Little one, I already saw what you dream of," he whispered.

You shook your head again. "I meant no, that's not what's bothering me," you corrected him.

"Then tell me," he replied, his smile vanishing. 

"You won't understand," you said quietly.

He moved one of his hands off the wall and cupped your cheek.

"Then help me understand," he said, using your own words against you.

You searched his eyes. They looked soft again, sympathetic. He seemed concerned. 

A captor concerned about his prisoner turned fuck buddy. Go figure. 

Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes.

"I went to you last night because I wanted to be with Ben and, and now," you trailed off, trying to catch your breath.

Prying your eyes open, you looked up at him. You spoke so quickly that you weren't sure if he heard you. He did, though. You could tell by the way he flinched, his eyes narrowing slightly. 

You held your breath.

"And what," he said finally.

His voice was still calm but you could tell there was an irritated tone underneath. He dropped his hand from your face and placed it on the wall again.

"And now," you continued, "I'm scared because my dream was about Kylo, not Ben."

He just looked at you, unwavering, not speaking. 

"And that's not right," you added.

His breathing grew louder, his chest rising quickly. 

"And why is that?"

Looking down, you mumbled an explanation.

"Ben is someone I understand, but Kylo, Kylo is my captor."

Sighing, he shifted his weight between his feet. 

"I am Kylo," he replied, "and I was Kylo last night."

Despite your efforts, you felt tears sting your eyes. You looked up at him and he noticed your eyes shining, making him pause. 

A heavy silence fell as you stared at each other. His lips were pressed in a thin line, the only thing moving in between the two of you was your hands as you wrung them nervously. 

He didn't say anything. Instead, he just dipped his head down and caught your lips in his. You kissed him back briefly before pulling away, leaving him leaned forward as you pushed your back into the wall.

Your chest was rising quickly, pressing into him. He didn't seem mad, just focused. 

"Why can't you have both?"

Your eyes widened, confusion spreading across your face. He spoke again before you could ask what he meant. 

"Have both," he repeated, "have who I used to be and who I am now."

Your breath hitched at the desperation in his voice. 

"I know you think that's who you used to be, but who you are now isn't real," you whispered.

That made him angry. He clenched his fists against the wall, his lip curling over his teeth. In a split second decision, you ducked under his arm and tried to run away.

But he was quicker.

He easily shot a hand out and stopped you with his arm, scooping you and placing you back down in front of him.

You panicked and tried to swat at his chest and push him back. He let you continue for a short while, standing there completely still as your hits had no effect on him.

You stopped once you realized you weren't getting anywhere. One of his arms was still firmly around your waist, the other on the wall, supporting his weight. 

A couple tears fell and you let your hands fall against his chest limply.

"I can be with Ben, but, but I can't be with Kylo," you whispered in between sniffles.

He pulled his hand off the wall and stood up straight with you pressed against him, using his now free hand to hold your face. 

His gloved thumb wiped the tears off your cheek, stroking it gently. He'd never tell you, but his heart nearly flew out of chest at the thought of being with you. He wasn't sure if you meant it that way, but your words still kindled the fire inside of him. 

"I can be Ben for you," he said, barely above a whisper. "I can be him when I am with you."

Your eyes darted to find his. Shocked was an understatement. 

He'd considered it before, if he could become Ben again. Just for you.

He didn't know if he could become Ben again completely. But he could do it for you. He could become the person he'd killed all those years ago when he was with you. 

But he didn't know if that'd be enough for you. 

Swallowing, you tried to form words. "Wha-"

"I will be whoever you need me to be if it means I can be with you."

It stung him a bit, hearing you say that you could only be with one part of him, one version of him, not who he is now. 

Whoever that actually is. 

Even he didn't know the answer to that. But he knew that just one night with you had him wrapped around your finger. He'd made so much progress with you, gotten to a point with you that he couldn't believe was real. And he couldn't just let that slip through his fingers. 

So if that meant that he had to become someone else, or forget himself altogether to have you, then that's what he'd do. 

"I'm not Ben and I'm not Kylo, I am just yours when I'm with you," he added, eyes still captivated by yours. 

You tried to process what he was saying. He was saying pretty much exactly what you wanted him to say.

Was he just playing into what he knew you wanted? After all, he'd said it when he interrogated you - he knew you wanted to belong, to be loved, to have something stable. 

He said it to hurt you at the time, but he was right. 

You wanted to ask him if this was real, if he really meant it, or if he just needed a warm mouth and a body in his bed. 

But looking at him, it seemed genuine. And the way his lip was quivering too, it really seemed genuine.

"Yours," you repeated breathlessly. 

He didn't budge. Trusting your gut, you grabbed his robes in your fists and pulled him towards you, bringing your lips to his. 

He reacted immediately, wrapping both hands around your waist and holding you against him. He squeezed so tight that he pulled you upwards, leaving only the balls of your feet on the floor. 

You pulled away and he looked panicked, thinking that you'd changed your mind. Gasping for air, you tried to tell him that he was squeezing so tight you couldn't breathe. 

He didn't understand, but just stayed there looking at you with furrowed brows. Finally, after enough hand gestures and loud gasps for breath, he realized what he was doing and set you down. 

You fell into his chest, struggling for breath. He wrapped his hand in your hair and pulled your head back slightly. He looked worried as he brushed a finger across your forehead. 

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

You laughed a bit, your breath nearly stable now. Grabbing him by the shirt again, you pulled him down to you and kissed him with urgency, wasting no time in sliding your tongue into his mouth. 

For once, you were in control of the kiss. You moved your hands up to his face, holding him against you as you danced around his tongue with your own. Pulling back to bite his lip and tug gently, you pressed your body into his. His hands came to your hips as you released his lip from in between your teeth, moving to kiss across his jaw and down to his neck. 

You trailed your fingers down his chest, letting your nails scratch at the thick material of his tunic. Once your lips reached the sensitive skin where his neck and shoulder met, you sucked harshly, making him groan. Gently, you took the bruised skin between your teeth and bit down, loving the way his hips jerked as you applied pressure. You released the skin from your teeth to pull back and sneak a look at him. 

His lips were bright pink and swollen from him biting it. Head tilted back, his hair cascading down his back and shoulders. You dropped your head again to run your tongue over the bite mark, your lips soothing the angry, red patch of skin. 

He moaned loudly, audibly flustered. You smiled against him, pleased that you could make him feel this way. Just as you were kissing across his throat and to his other shoulder, he grabbed your wrists and pulled your hands from his chest. 

He walked forward with you in his grip, pushing you backwards until your back connected with the wall. You gasped and he responded by covering your mouth with his and sliding his tongue into you. Both of you moaning, he pressed you against the wall further until you were utterly trapped, wrists pinned at your head. 

He pulled away but kept your wrists pinned. His expression was blank at first while he looked at you before a devilish smirk crept across his face. 

"I am just yours, but it's clear to me you would like me to be the Supreme Leader in certain situations," he said with his eyebrow raised. 

You realized he was talking about your dream. It was true, but you were still embarrassed that you'd dreamt about him that way, and mortified that he'd seen it. 

Dropping his head to the crook of your neck, he kissed you gently. "No need to be shy, just tell me what you want," he whispered against you.

Squirming, you tried to bury your head in his shoulder. "You've already seen what I want," you mumbled, your voice muffled by his robes. 

"I know," he agreed, "but I want to hear you say it, little one."

The pet name was growing on you. So much so that you squeezed your legs together in the hopes of getting some friction, just at the mention of it. 

He pulled his head back up to look at you, waiting for an answer. Focusing on his lips, you gave him the answer he was dying to hear. 

"I want the Supreme Leader."

The second you'd said 'Leader', he released your wrists and bent down, grabbing you by your thighs. Effortlessly flinging you over his shoulder, he started to walk for the door. 

"Holy fuck put me down!"

He'd startled you and as your head hung upside down, you were afraid he'd drop you. Grabbing onto the back of his shirt, you held on for dear life, pleading with Kylo to just let you walk.

He responded by slapping your ass.

"Hey! What the-"

"You asked for the Supreme Leader, and that's what you're going to get," he hissed as you heard the door to your room slide open. 

You stopped protesting but kept squirming against him as he made the walk to his quarters. Finally, you heard his door slide open. 

This dramatic ass man still won't just use a button.

Knowing you were in the room now, you kept lightly hitting his back, signaling for him to put you down. He finally did, setting you down and keeping a hold on you as you regained your footing. 

He released you once you were stable and stepped back, walking away from you until the back of his knees hit the bed. He sat down, shrugging off the outer layers of his robes.

"Strip."

You ran a hand through your hair, still a bit dizzy from hanging upside down. A little panicked, you looked at him with wide eyes.

"Did I stutter?"

His voice was threatening, making the hair on the back of your neck stand up. 

"No," you replied, "Supreme Leader."

You heard his breath hitch. The title sent a new wave of arousal through his body. Not only because it fed his need for power, fueled his desire to dominate you. 

But because it reminded him that right now, you were aching for him. Taking him as he was, flaws and all. 

And he wanted to reward you by giving you everything you dreamt of. 

Literally.

You finally obeyed his request and brought your hands to the bottom of your shirt. In one swift movement, you removed your sweater and shirt, dropping it to the floor.

Smiling, you watched as he stiffened, admiring you as you stood there in your bra. Hooking your thumbs in the waistband of your pants, you bent down and pulled them off, giving him a perfect view of your chest. 

You were about to reach behind you and unclasp your bra when he stood up and closed the gap between you two.

"Leave those to me," he ordered, reaching his hands behind you. 

He trailed his fingers from your lower back up to your bra, eyes locked on you as he unclasped and removed it, dropping it to the floor.

His hands found your waist, squeezing gently. He moved his hands up and down your sides, drinking in every curve of your body. Slowly, his palms crept up farther and farther, stopping once his hands were underneath the swell of your breasts.

He tore his gaze away from your eyes and looked down, taking in the view of your bare chest in front of him. The sight of them nearly made him fall apart. 

He could only manage to mumble one word.

"Perfect."

You were speechless, not able to respond but instead moaning softly as his hands caressed you. 

Finally, he cupped both of your breasts and squeezed gently, massaging you. Your head fell back and your back arched, already filled with pleasure.

Kylo brought his lips to your throat, placing soft kisses on your skin. You grabbed onto his bicep and squeezed, eager for him. 

"Hurry," you whimpered, starting to squirm.

He pulled back to look at you. "We're on my schedule, little one," he replied, "so find some patience."

Both of his hands found your hardening nipples, his leather-clad fingers pinching, twisting, and flicking them gently. Sweet mewls fell from your lips, pleasure coursing through you.

"You like this, don't you?" he asked, his voice low and coarse.

"Ye-yes," you sputtered.

He released his hold on your breasts, making you whine in protest. He laughed, bringing his finger under your chin.

"So eager, my Little One," he teased.

Quickly, he wrapped an arm around your waist and picked you up one-handed.

"Fuck, Kylo," you whined. "I can walk you know."

Your distress was short lived because within seconds, your back collided with the bed. In an instant, Kylo had hooked his thumbs in your panties and yanked them off of you, leaving you completely naked in front of him.

You looked up at him with pleading eyes, he nearly abandoned all sense of self restraint.

But he wanted to fulfill the desire that you were so embarrassed by. He wanted to make you feel better than you'd ever felt. And to do that, he needed to take his time. 

He roughly grabbed your thighs and flung them open, situating himself in between your legs. He leaned over you, holding himself up with one hand while the other traveled down to your already dripping wet cunt.

"Please," you whispered as his fingertip barely brushed against your folds.

He smiled. "Only because you asked so nicely."

He slipped his finger into your wet folds, instantly making your mouth fall open, sweet sighs spilling from you. He leaned closer to you, his body hovering over yours as your hips bucked in his hand, begging him to press into you further. 

Stopping his movements, he brought his lips to your ear. 

"Tell me if it gets to be too much, and I will stop," he whispered.

He pulled back to look at you, a small smirk forming on his lips as you nodded and licked your lips. Much to your dismay, he pushed himself off of the bed and removed his fingers from your folds. 

"Agh, please Ky-"

In less than a second, Kylo had dropped to his knees at the foot of the bed, roughly grabbing your thighs and sliding you towards him. The yelp in your throat was silenced as he flung your legs over his shoulders and brought your cunt onto his face.

He was driving you crazy on purpose. Placing his face less than an inch from where you needed him most, breath fanning your clit. 

"Kylo," you whined, reaching your hand down in an attempt to grab his hair. 

Before you could, Kylo flicked his wrist and pinned both of your arms down at your sides.

"What are you-

"My schedule, Little One," he reminded you. 

You obeyed, your eyes fluttering shut as you waited for him to touch you. And finally, he did.

Slowly, he slid one of his fingers into you before removing it, using it to spread your wetness all over your cunt. He blew a cold gust of air against you, making your back arch and your arms struggle against his Force hold. 

He brought his finger back to your entrance, sliding it in again and pumping slowly. To reward you, he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on your clit, his hair falling on your lower stomach. 

You gasped and clenched around him. "Mo-more," you cried, "please."

He released the Force hold on your arms, your hands immediately grabbing onto his hair to push him down. He let you this time, bringing his lips to your sweet spot, tongue flicking your clit.

Just as you thought he was going to give you what you were asking for, he pulled his finger out of you and tragically removed his lips. 

You groaned loudly, your hands still tugging on his hair. He licked his lips as he stood up to lean over you. You were pouting, squeezing your legs together for friction. 

He looked down at you and brought his gloved hand to your lips, gesturing for you to remove it. Maintaining eye contact, you bit down on the leather and pulled at the material. You repeated it with each finger, doing the same to this other hand. 

Once both of his hands were bare, he resumed his position on his knees. Frowning, he saw that your legs were still closed, watching you squirm as you tried to relieve the pressure.

"Open your legs wider, little one," he ordered, one of his hands running up and down your thigh. 

You sat up on your elbows, eyes narrowed at him. 

"Are you going to keep stopping?"

He flicked his wrist and your legs flew open, as wide as physically possible. Wasting no time, Kylo brought two of his now bare fingers to your entrance. He slammed into you, making you fall onto your back again.

All the waiting was worth it.

His fingers thrusted into you mercilessly, expletives rumbling wildly from your mouth. He watched as your chest rose with labored breaths, your breasts moving up and down with his movements. He quickly dropped his head back down to your dripping wet cunt and wrapped his lips around your clit.

"Yes, please, right there," you moaned, grabbing for his head again.

Your juices dripped down his hand, your hips bucking into his face while your legs began to shake. He knew you were close. All the teasing, all the waiting making you so sensitive. So receptive to his touch.

Groaning, he used his tongue to flick your swollen nub while he started pumping his fingers into you faster, his fingertips hitting you impossibly deep.

He knew it was working by the sounds of the cries leaving your lips, the way your legs trembled even under his Force hold. 

You want to cum all over my hand, don't you?

His mouth was clearly occupied, but he knew his words would drive you crazy.

"Yes, yes, please," you whined, too flustered to reply inaudibly.

Hmm, how badly?

The tip of his tongue was drawing circles on your clit, bringing you right to the edge.

"So, so bad," you cried out, your eyes squeezed shut. 

I'm not sure I should let you cum yet, little one.

"No, no, please, I-I need to, I need to cum," you replied, the desperation in your voice tangible. 

His pace was relentless, his entire hand coated with your juices, trickling down to his forearm. It was driving him crazy, feeling how full you were with just his fingers while his tongue worked your clit. 

"Please, I can't, I-I can't-"

"Cum for me."

It took less than a second for you to obey that command.

His fingers continued to slam into you, fingers curled upwards as you came all over him. His lips remained around your clit, sucking feverishly as your juices flowed out of you, soaking his chin and hand. He only pulled away once he was sure he had drawn out your orgasm for as long as possible.

Moans and whimpers were still tumbling from your mouth, your chest heaving and your whole body still shaking. He leaned over you again and brought his fingers to your lips, sliding them into your mouth.

Despite how tired you were, how delirious you were from your orgasm, you smiled and sucked happily on his fingers.

Those precious little eyes of yours were driving him insane, making him want to slam his cock into you right then. 

You released his fingers with a pop, grinning and licking your lips. He leaned down further and gently wrapped a hand around your throat as he kissed you. 

"You were such a good girl for me," he whispered, pulling away.

You bit your lip and propped yourself up on your elbows, watching as he resumed his position standing at the edge of the bed. 

He leaned over you again and picked you by the waist, bringing your body flush against his. 

Kylo tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear. Before he could say anything, you dropped to your knees in front of him. Without a moments hesitation, he removed his shirt and tunic and fumbled to unbuckle his pants. 

He didn't bother to remove his pants altogether, instead just rushing to free his cock. The second he did, you wrapped your hand around him, tugging slightly. 

He was rock hard in your grip, throbbing and heavy, aching for release. Aching for you.

Keeping your eyes on him, you slowly slid his tip into your mouth, swirling your tongue around him. His jaw fell slack, watching your little mouth stretch around his cock.

He closed his eyes and placed a hand on your head.

If you want me to be gentle, I will.

You managed to smile while your lips were around him.

Give me your worst, Ren.

He quickly grabbed your hair in his hand, putting it into a makeshift ponytail as his other hand grabbed the back of your neck. With a loud grunt, he shoved nearly his entire length down your throat. 

You gagged on him, eyes fluttering shut as you opened your mouth to take more of him in. Unrestrained moans came from him, like music to your ears. You pressed your legs together, somehow already aroused just from the noises he made.

He thrusted into your throat, grunting as you gagged on his size. "Fuck, you're so good," he mumbled, his voice hoarse.

You moaned against him, his praise building your arousal more. You hollowed out your cheeks and opened your throat more. A deep growl ripped from his throat and he used the grip on your hair to tip your head back. 

Grabbing his thighs for support, you kept sucking as Kylo started fucking your throat. You managed to open your eyes as they started watering, catching a glimpse of Kylo. 

Just the sight of him made you want to climb him like a fucking tree. 

His head was tilted down, watching as he fucked your mouth. Lips parted, face crumpled in pleasure, chest rising quickly. 

You moaned against him again, the vibrations making him bite his lip. It nearly sent you over the edge. 

One of your hands dropped from the back of his thighs and rested in between your legs. You readjusted while Kylo continued his movements, spreading your knees apart. 

Your clit was still painfully sensitive but you couldn't stop yourself from drawing circles on the swollen nub. Your forehead creased in pleasure, more moans flowing from you, muffled by Kylo's dick in your mouth. 

He noticed, and quickly ripped his cock from your throat. You lurched forward as he released your head and neck, a string of saliva trailing from your lips.

He bent down and grabbed your jaw roughly. "What a needy little whore," he sneered. "I just made you cum and you already want more."

His degrading term should've made you smack the shit out of him. But it didn't. It just made you draw circles on your clit how faster.

Who even am I?

You batted your lashes at him and nodded. He grinned devilishly and quickly yanked you up from your knees. He reached down to the back of your thighs, picking you up. You wrapped your legs around him and held onto his shoulders as he started walking with you in his arms.

Your back hit the wall harshly, making you gasp. He pressed you against the wall, one hand around your waist and the other around your throat. His tip brushed against your dripping wet slit, making you jolt. 

His grip was tight on your throat, restricting your airway. 

And you fucking loved it.

He brought his lips to your ear, gently tugging on it. "Pretty little girl wants to cum again, doesn't she?"

"Yes," you squeaked, squirming in his grip for more friction.

He couldn't wait any longer. Your waist was still gripped tightly in his hand as he grabbed his cock with the other, lining up at your entrance. 

If it gets to be too much, tell me.

You smiled at him, appreciating how he reminded you that were still safe with him. But right now, you wanted nothing more than for him to slam into you balls deep and make you scream. 

Giving him a nod, he grabbed your hips with both his hands and sunk you onto his cock. His head fell against your shoulder as he fully inserted himself, slowly pressing into you. You were a bit sore, naturally, but it didn't hurt as much this time. Just a few moments before you were adjusted and the discomfort had subsided. 

And then he fucked the hell out of you. "What a good little girl, taking this fucking cock," he said in between moans.

You were already a mess. Mewling and moaning and crying out as he bounced you up and down on his cock, your back sliding against the wall as he fucked you. Making you take his entire length, slamming your hips down to meet his thrusts.

"Fuck you feel so good," he muttered, "so fucking tight."

Kylo tilted his head down, watching you take his cock. Your pretty little cunt stretching around him, coating him in your cum.

His lips found your neck, biting the sensitive flesh. Worried he was hurting you, he was about to pull back when he felt your hand on the back of his head, pulling him towards you. He resumed his movements, nipping at your skin, running his tongue over the marks. 

"F-fuck, I'm, I'm close," you whined breathlessly. 

He pressed you into the wall so you were completely secured against him, he kept one hand on your hip and brought the other in between your two bodies. With his hand splayed against your stomach, he brought his thumb to your clit and starting circling it, never slowly the pace of his thrusts. 

He could feel your swollen lit clit pulsing under his touch, your folds absolutely drenched. A deep scream tore from your throat, letting him know you were so, so close. 

Using his remaining grip on your hip, he pulled you down onto him as hard as possible, his tip hitting the sweet little spot deep inside of you. That, combined with the pressure on your clit, sent you over the edge. 

Your head fell forward to the crook of Kylo's neck, muffling the string of curse words spilling from you, mixing with your moans. He pulled his hand from your clit and grabbed your waist, fucking you impossibly hard to bring you through your orgasm. 

You were still moaning obscenely, your climax making you spasm and convulse against him. With one last thrust, his hips stilled and his own orgasm hit him. Hard. 

Hot white seed shot deep inside of you, filling your fucked out little hole. You moaned, squirming against him at the feeling of his cum spilling into you. He thrusted one last time as more warm liquid poured into you, drawing mewls from you and deep groans from him.

He continued holding you as you both recovered, your arms wrapped around his shoulders, both of your chests touching with each labored breath.

You could feel his cum dripping down your thighs, your hole unable to contain his cock and his cum at the same time. But he didn't move out of you.

He just held you there, wanting to be as close to you as possible for a bit longer. You pulled your head up from Kylo's shoulder, your eyes finding his. He smiled at you and brought his forehead to yours.

You leaned in and kissed him, surprising Kylo a bit. He still wasn't used to you being so tender with him, still couldn't believe that someone like you would choose to kiss him, to be so intimate and sweet. He savored the moment, locking your lips against his and holding you there.

When he finally pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours again. 

"Whoever you need me to be, Little One."


	10. I’ve Got It In My Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut and fluff. A good combo.

"Fuck, yes," you moaned, throwing your head back as you lowered yourself onto Kylo's cock. 

In less than a week, he'd been inside of you nearly a dozen different times. And you still couldn't get enough.

A low groan emanated from Kylo, his grip on your waist tightening. You flattened your hands on his chest for balance as you slowly rolled your hips.

He was painfully hard inside of you, the lower half of his body thrusting into you with each movement of your hips. You felt pressure on your clit and jolted forward, a small gasp leaving you as you realized that Kylo's hands were still on your waist.

You looked at him as the pressure on your clit increased, circling and flicking your sweet spot. 

"I feel like that's an - oh fuck - inappropriate use of the Force," you said in between moans. 

The pressure increased on your clit, making your eyes close in pleasure. 

"Would you like me to stop then?"

You swatted his chest with your eyes still closed, continuing to lift yourself up and down on his cock.

"Don't you fucking dare," you breathed. 

He laughed slightly and started sliding his hands up your waist, bringing his massive hands to your breasts, covering them entirely. Massaging them, sending waves of pleasure through you as he continued to pound into you. 

You looked down at him through hooded eyes, admiring the way he looked. Jaw clenched, brows knit together, lips parted. Watching you, watching the way you moved up and down on him, his dick disappearing into your slick, swollen cunt. 

His fingers played with your breasts, pinching and twisting your nipples, making you whine and whimper in sheer pleasure. You leaned forward slightly, bringing your hands up higher on his chest and locking eyes with him. You knew he loved when you made eye contact with him.

And you loved the way he looked while his cock was buried deep inside of you.

You rolled your hips hard, clenching around him as he twitched inside of you."Fuck, that's so good," he moaned, hands sliding back to your hips.

You picked up your pace, rolling your hips a bit faster, moans tumbling from you as you moved up and down on him. You tilted your head down, watching his cock slide in and out of you, glistening with your wetness, filling you completely.

He brought a hand to your hips, holding you tightly while he brought his other hand to your mouth. He pressed his thumb past your lips, not even needing to tell you what to do.

You swirled your tongue, sucking and sliding more of his thumb into your mouth. He groaned, his mouth slack as he watched you. Pulling his hand away from you, he brought it your folds, his thumb finding your clit.

The hand on your hip held you in place and he raised his hips to insert himself inside of you completely, making you take all of him while he relentlessly played with your clit. 

"Fuck, oh, fuck, Ky," you moaned. "Right there."

He pressed your clit harder and you began to unravel, that familiar feeling building between your legs. 

"Cum for me, little one," he encouraged you. "Cum on my cock."

You whined, your body hunched forward as ragged breaths escaped your lips. His thumb was still relentlessly working your clit as your legs started shaking, pleasure beginning to take over you.

"That's it," he praised, his voice coarse. "Cum for me, pretty girl."

That sent you over the edge. Legs trembling, whole  
body shaking, your orgasm crashed into you. Moans and strangled whispers of Kylo's name spilled from your lips as he continued thumbing your sweet spot.

You fell limply against his chest and he removed his thumb from your clit, bringing both hands to your hair. He slowly raised his hips, sliding in and out of you, helping you ride out your orgasm. When you were completely spent, he stilled his movements and tugged on your hair gently, making you look at him. 

Panting, forehead glistening with sweat, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours.

"Such a good girl for me," he mumbled. 

He let your breathing return to normal, holding you to his chest until he could tell that you were ready. You brought a hand to his face and lightly traced his scar. The one you'd given him.

"Good girls don't do this," you said, your fingertips gliding over the length of his healing wound. 

"You're so right," he replied. 

In less than a second, he had you on your back with his hand on your throat.

He placed his heavy, throbbing cock at your entrance and slammed into you. Mercilessly pounding into you, loud cries ripping from your throat. 

He leaned down, bringing his face inches from yours. "You're not a good girl, but be one and take it," he said through clenched teeth. 

You were already a blabbering mess, hands gripping onto his biceps and legs locked around his waist. You still had to adjust to his size, despite the fact that he'd been fucking you practically non-stop since you'd had sex with him the first time. 

You felt a bit more comfortable around him, a bit more at peace since the conversation with him. Felt less guilty about climbing into bed with him, letting him have you in the most intimate way. 

Whoever you need me to be.

He told you that he was yours, that he'd be whoever you wanted him to be. And it made you want him more. Desperately, almost. 

He released his grip on your throat and placed his hands on either side of your head, bringing his lips next to your ear. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

You were too overwhelmed to answer, drowning in pleasure. "Driving me fucking insane," he breathed. "The only thing I've been able to think about, always inside of my fucking head."

You managed a groan, bringing your hands to his hair and tugging on it slightly. "You're so tight, Little One. Taking this cock so well, being so good for me," he praised, making you clench around him. 

He grunted with each thrust, tearing you apart as he reached new depths inside of you. He captured your lips with his and you moaned against him, letting him slip his tongue in your mouth.

A familiar pressure began building in your lower belly and you broke the kiss, panting. You gripped onto his hair tightly, your legs squeezing around his waist. 

"Ky, I-I," you sputtered, the words not forming.

"You're gonna cum again, aren't you? You're gonna fucking cum again," he growled, admiring the way your face crumpled in pleasure. 

He pushed himself up on his knees and grabbed your hips as he started fucking you faster. Harder. You cried out and grabbed at the sheets, writhing underneath him as his fingers dug into your skin. Your breasts bouncing wildly with the momentum of his thrusts.

"Yes, yes, I'm gonna cum again," you whined, your eyes squeezing shut as the pressure nearly reached a tipping point. 

He twitched inside of you, letting you know that he was close too. You clenched around him, making you groan, and two thrusts later, you were coming on his cock. Again. 

He hissed at the sensation, so, so close to pumping you full of his cum. 

"Cum for me Ky," you whimpered. "Please."

He slammed into you one last time, hips jerking erratically as he spilled into you. His mouth fell open, low groans escaping him, forehead creased in pure pleasure. Clenching around him, still coming down from your own orgasm, you milked him for every last drop. He filled you completely, shooting warmth deep inside of you. 

"Fuck," he breathed, releasing every last drop into you. 

Once he was fully spent, he slipped out of you, making cum drip down your thighs. He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow, looking at you.

You turned to face him, still panting. His hair was stuck to his forehead, his lips red and swollen. You slowly traced his lips with your finger, making him smile softly. 

He trailed his hand across your stomach slowly, feeling your bare skin underneath his hand.

"We should clean up," he whispered. 

You nodded and sat up slowly, the soreness between your legs already forming. Before you could stand up, Kylo had swung his arm under your legs and picked you up. Groaning, you smacked his chest lightly.

"You can't keep picking me up like I'm a doll," you grumbled. 

He ignored you and kept walking to the bathroom. "Watch me."

You groaned again but he finally put you down, keeping his hand on your waist as he turned the shower on. 

He stepped in first, grabbing your hand as you followed him. The water was warm on your skin, making you sigh. He stood behind you and collected your hair in his hands. 

"I can wash myself," you mumbled. 

"I know," he replied, ignoring you. 

He gathered your hair and collected it behind your back. A comfortable silence fell again, but there were so many things you wanted to say. Wanted to ask. But you were too tired and didn't want to disrupt the calmness surrounding you two.

You let him wash your hair but washed your body yourself. He didn't press you, knowing that you still had barriers up, walls, keeping him back. Keeping him at a close but safe distance. 

He cleaned himself quickly and stepped out first, letting you enjoy the warm water for a bit longer. You exited the bathroom shortly after he'd left, walking into the room and towel drying your hair. Kylo threw you a clean shirt of his to put on, smiling from behind you once you had it on.

It made you look so little. His shirt nearly reaching your knees, the sleeves way too long. It alarmed him the way his heart fluttered a bit, just watching you stand there in his clothes. 

You cleared your throat, Kylo turning to look at you. "I'll just head back to the other room then, I-

"No." His voice was firm yet still gentle. "You're staying with me."

You smiled a bit. Every time, you offered to return to your designated room. And every time, he insisted you stay. You didn't mind though. In fact, it was nice to have someone to share a bed with, rather than falling asleep alone underneath cold sheets.

You used your fingers to comb through your hair, returning to the bathroom to wring out the excess water. When you came back out with a comb, Kylo was in the bed, sitting up against the headboard. He spread his legs and motioned for you to come sit between them. 

Frowning, you walked over to him and sat down. "What are you doing?"

He didn't reply, but reached over and grabbed the comb from your hand. Silently, he started brushing through your hair, detangling it gently. You sighed happily, his fingers playing mindlessly with your locks as he combed through them. 

You heard him set the comb down, but still felt his hands in your hair. After a minute, you realized he was doing something with it, almost as if he was styling it. Before you could ask, he reached into your lap and grabbed your wrist, pulling the hair tie from it. You felt him put it in your hair and lower his hands and you quickly turned around to face him.

Running a hand over your hair, you realized that he had braided it. His expression was calm, blank, but the smile on your face made his lips twitch. 

"You were the one who braided my hair after the lake," you whispered.

A beat. "Maybe."

You laughed and continued running your hand over the plait. "How'd you learn?"

His expression softened a bit. "My mother," he replied quietly. 

You smiled a bit, remembering the way you admired the General's hair, the beautiful styles and braids she put them in. She told you that it was tradition from her home planet, Alderaan. 

The thought of the General made your chest ache a bit. You thought of the last time you'd seen her, how long it had been.

Weeks? A month maybe? 

It felt like a lifetime ago. 

Without another word, you turned away from Kylo again and climbed over his legs, finding your side of the bed. 

Your side. 

It still made you shiver a bit. You'd never had much to call yours, and this was the last thing you'd expected to claim ownership of. A side of the Supreme Leader's bed. 

Kylo could sense some unease but didn't say anything. He simply flicked his wrist and turned the lights off as you climbed under the covers, facing away from him. 

More than an hour passed as you laid there, completely unable to sleep. Your mind was racing and despite your exhaustion, sleep wouldn't come to you.

You kept tossing and turning, shuffling around in the sheets. Trying anything in the hopes of getting some rest.

"How are you this loud without even talking?"

You looked over your shoulder to see that Kylo was still turned away from you. "Close your ears then," you grumbled. 

He sighed and you heard him roll over, quickly facing away. "You can't sleep," he said flatly. 

"Impressive observation."

You felt him poke your lower back, making you groan. "Stop being a bitch and come here."

You reached behind you and smacked his arm. "Shut up and go back to sleep."

"Not until you do," he replied. 

You groaned again. Loudly, for emphasis. "Why do you care?"

He laughed darkly. "Because you're a bitch when you're tired," he responded. "Clearly."

You didn't reply, but kept staring at the wall. His hand grabbed your shoulder and he gently rolled you over making you look at him. "Let me help you," he whispered. 

You rolled your eyes and tried to turn away again but he held you in place. His eyes locked on yours, silently urging you to stop being stubborn and come to him.

Begrudgingly, you moved closer, facing him. He wrapped an arm around your waist, the other resting above your head, playing with your hair.

"Tell me what's wrong," he said.

You had your face against his chest and you didn't move. "I'm fine," you answered, "nothing's wrong."

He leaned down and placed a kiss on your cheek, letting his lips linger. "Something's on your mind, little one," he whispered. "Tell me."

"Well, there's a lot on my mind when I'm sleeping with the enemy," you mumbled. 

He laughed quietly before silence fell again.

"What now?" you asked. "What comes next?"

You didn't have to explain what you meant. He knew. 

He sighed, making your head move as it rested on his bare chest. "You know I can't let you go back to them," he replied softly.

"This is war, and I can't just hand them more power," he continued, "not when I've got it in my hands."

You flicked him. "So you do think I'm a threat," you teased. 

He laughed lightly, a stark contrast to the seriousness of the conversation.

"It's not too late you know," you whispered. 

You felt him stiffen, but didn't shy away. "No one is ever too far gone," you added.

He didn't reply, instead, just kept his arms around you, playing with your hair. You lazily traced circles on his chest, your eyelids drooping slightly. He was a comfort, something to clutch to when the waves of drowsiness swept you away. He didn't have to be the Supreme Leader - he was just warmth and security. 

"Sleep," he mumbled.

You tilted your head up to see his eyes closed. "Ky?"

"Mhm?"

"Will you train me?"

His eyes snapped open, looking down at you. "What?"

His eyes were wide, looking at you and trying to tell if you were being serious. You were, and your expression showed it.

"It's kind of freaky to make shit fly with your hand but not know how you did it," you mumbled."Or how to actually control it."

He laughed, genuinely laughed. 

"Besides," you continued, "you owe me."

He raised an eyebrow. "If I remember correctly, I was the one that brought up training you in the first place," he sneered. 

You looked up at him, a serious look in your eye. "I want you to show me why I can do the things I can do, and help me control it," you said, "but I won't do it if you're just trying to turn me or make me into someone I'm not."

He nodded solemnly. You still had reservations about letting him train you though, and were unsure of yourself, his words echoing in your mind.

"Her compliance, harnessing her abilities with the Force on behalf of the First Order."

"Why did you keep me here?" you asked him. "Why are you keeping me here?"

"I already told you," he replied. 

"No, I mean why," you insisted. "You could've killed me and you didn't. You offered to train me instead of getting rid of me like you normally would. Why?"

He took a deep inhale, closing his eyes. "I didn't want to kill you," he replied simply.

You could feel sleep creeping into your mind, your eyelids growing heavy. You knew Kylo was tired too.  
There was more you wanted to say, to ask, and you knew there was more to that answer than he was giving you. 

But for now, laying in the warmth of his arms and listening to his heartbeat was enough.


	11. Temporary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Master Ren will train you now.

"Focus, and just breathe."

You took a deep breath, placing your hands flat on the ground beside you. 

"Reach out," he added.

You did, slowly extending your hand. You jolted when you felt something on your arm. Opening your eyes, you saw Kylo crouched in front of you, a gloved hand on your wrist. 

"Oh you meant like, like reach out with my mind," you sputtered, your cheeks burning with embarrassment. 

He nodded sharply and pushed your arm back down,  
his expression stony and unchanging. You closed your eyes again, taking a deep breath.

"Reach out with your feelings," he said. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, your face contorted in concentration. It took a bit before you saw anything besides your eyelids, but when you did, your face relaxed and a small gasp escaped your lips.

"What do you see?" 

"The forest," you replied breathlessly. "The flowers, the animals, the living things."

"What else?"

"Death. Darkness," you replied, your face twitching a bit.

Images of animal carcasses flashed across your mind, images of creatures fighting each other to the death.

"Good, keep going," he said softly.

You leaned into the feeling, trying to find the source of the darkness, figure out what it was coming from. 

All of the sudden, you heard screaming and felt fear in your chest that wasn't your own. It was dread, sorrow, and you didn't know who it was coming from. 

You opened your eyes to see a dimly lit area, smoke and flames splattered around. You could a man crying, speaking to someone but you couldn't decipher what he was saying. All you could hear was the pain in his voice.

You faintly heard Kylo calling your name, but you couldn't answer him, couldn't come out of whatever place you had entered. 

The fear and heartbreak that was coming from an unknown source crashed over you again, stealing the breath from your lungs. You felt like you were drowning, felt like you were being suffocated.

You tried to come back, tried to return to the present, tried to grab onto reality. But you couldn't. You were stuck, being crushed by this sadness that didn't belong to you, watching this man cry in front of you, stifling his sobs with his hand. You tried to ask what was wrong, tried to help but he couldn't hear you. 

There's no other choice.

The image shifted again. It was raining, cold and dark, but you saw the faint outline of your father. His usual stony expression, eyes flashing with hurt. He'd always looked like this - his expression blank but his eyes dancing with unbridled sadness. 

You tried to reach a hand out, tried to reach out to your father. Wanting nothing more than to feel his presence again despite all of the pain this man had brought you. You kept trying to reach out but you couldn't. All you could do was look at him. 

The image started wavering, your mind slowly shutting down. Every muscle in your body felt limp, every nerve numb and lifeless. You felt the sensation of falling backwards and then the softness of the ground beneath you. 

Kylo called your name again, and this time you heard him clearly. The images had faded and all you saw was pitch black, your eyes still closed.

You could feel his hand on your forehead, his other hand near you neck, checking your pulse. You could hear his breathing, labored and heavy, drowning out the sounds of nature around you. 

"Open your eyes," he whispered, his voice sounding a bit desperate. 

You weakly shook your head, unable to speak. You heard shuffling and felt your head being picked up. Based on the feeling of fabric on the back of you neck, you guessed that you were resting on Kylo. 

Kylo grabbed your hands and placed them flat on the ground, urging you to feel your surroundings. You grabbed a fistful of grass, clenching it tightly. Your entire body was trembling and you couldn't stop it, couldn't regain your senses.

"Open your eyes, I'm here," he said, his voice more urgent. 

The memory of what'd you seen filled your mind, the emotions coming back. A sob racked your body and you started shaking your head, trying to clear your mind. 

"Ky," you managed to say, your voice raspy.

Your chest was burning with each breath, as if an invisible weight was resting on you. A hand brushed your cheek and you flinched, more tears spilling from your eyes. 

"Make it stop," you whispered faintly. "Please."

You felt Kylo move his hand to your abdomen, slowly rubbing circles. After a minute or so, the feelings receded and you managed to open your eyes, your lashes weighed down by tears. Your vision was clouded, but you saw the faint outline of Kylo above you. 

As if a fog cleared, you gasped and took of a deep inhale, your body seeming to come back to life. You sat up and frantically looked around for Kylo, wondering if he had actually left.

"Kylo, are you still-

"I'm here, Little One. I'm here."

He grabbed onto you, afraid that you'd collapse. Assuring him that you were fine, you rubbed your eyes and wiped your face, taking more deep breaths. 

He let you regain your composure, sitting next to you, watching you carefully. Once you seemed stable, he spoke up. "What did you see?"

You shook your head. "I don't know," you whispered.

"Describe it to me."

You felt Kylo's hand on your back, helping you relax. A deep breath filled your body and you managed to stop the ache in your chest and stop the tears from falling.

Turning slightly, you faced him. He looked more than concerned, he actually looked alarmed. Something you hadn't seen in him before. 

"What did you see?" he asked again, his voice quiet.

You took another deep breath, running your hands through your hair. You told him what'd you seen, how your views of the forest morphed into unknown images, how'd you seen two men you didn't know and then saw your father.

"But the scary part was that I could feel them," you whispered. "I felt things, felt emotions, that weren't my own, but it felt like they were mine. Like I was actually feeling them somehow."

Kylo watched you intently, his eyebrows knit in concentration. 

"Like how I felt what you were feeling, when I saw your memories," you added.

He nodded slightly, chewing on his lip. A silence fell and the sounds of the forest helped calm you more, helped ground you again.

You were happy that Kylo had brought you to Attera Alpha to start your training. Refreshed by being in nature again, your first breath of fresh air in so long. 

His eyes were searching yours, face still creased in concern. You wiped away the tears that were drying on your skin.

"You didn't know the two men?" he asked. 

You shook your head. "No, but they looked somewhat similar," you replied. 

"You scared me," he muttered, letting out a sigh. 

You looked at him, puzzled. "What, did I scream or something?"

He smiled sadly and shook his head. "No, but you collapsed and your breathing was shallow," he replied. "And you wouldn't open your eyes."

"I'm alright," you assured him.

He kept looking at you like he was afraid you'd break into a million pieces. You mindlessly played with the grass beneath you, picking a small flower and twirling it between your fingers. 

You tucked it in your pocket and stood up. Kylo tried to tell you to sit down but you were already standing, brushing off your clothes. 

"Alright, well enough of that," you said, "hand me my lightsaber."

He looked at you like you had two heads. "Are you insane?"

Your eyebrows pulled down and you frowned at him. "Are you an asshole?" you replied, crossing your arms.

"Oh, you're not getting your lightsaber," he snapped, glaring at you. "We're done for today."

"What?" you asked, stepping towards him. "Why?"

"Are you forgetting what just happened?" 

You rolled your eyes. "Yes and it's over, I'm fine."

"No, you're not.

"Yes, I am."

"No."

"I said yes."

"And I said no."

You groaned loudly, pinching the bridge of your nose. "For fucks sake Ky, I'm fine," you insisted, "and you promised to train me."

"And I will, but no more today," he replied. 

He took a step forward and placed his hands on your shoulders. The second he did, you reached to his belt and grabbed your lightsaber. You jumped to the side, away from Kylo's hands. 

You smiled at his shocked expression, and looked down at the weapon in your hand. You realized that you'd grabbed Kylo's lightsaber on accident. A devilish smile crept across your face, making Kylo glare at you. 

"Give me that," he hissed.

A beat. "I'll give you yours if you give me mine," you replied. 

His jaw clenched and he took a step towards you. "I would suggest that you cooperate, little one," he said, his voice low and threatening. 

You twirled the lightsaber in your hand. "Or what?"

He shot a hand out and the weapon flew from your hands. Before it could land in his grip, you extended your arm. The weapon stopped, frozen in between you. Your mouth fell open, shocked that it had actually worked. Kylo's expression morphed from surprise to anger. 

An idea popped into your head. You weren't sure if it would work, but you figured that it was worth trying. Instead of trying to pull the weapon away from Kylo, you urged the weapon towards him before letting go completely. 

Your little idea worked.

The weapon smacked into his chest, using Kylo's attempt to take the weapon away from you against him. 

Your smug expression faded when you saw the look in his eyes. Pure rage, unrestrained anger. 

Shit. 

Spinning on your heel, you started running away from him at full speed. 

Branches snapped under your feet as you ran, your hair whipping behind you. You didn't even have to look to know that he was close behind. 

You didn't see the rock in front of you and before you knew it, your foot caught on it and you went face first into the ground. Groaning, you rolled onto your back, covering your face. 

"I told you, little one," he sneered. 

Deciding to take advantage of the situation, you rolled onto your side, groaning and whining. 

"I-I'm sorry," you whimpered into your hands, trying your best to sound injured. 

You heard him kneel down and place a hand on your thigh. "What hurts?" he asked, his tone still irritated but a bit concerned. 

He laid an arm across your waist and leaned in closer. The second he did, you grabbed onto his shoulders and pushed him to the ground, landing on top of him. 

"Lesson number one," you said, "never let your guard down."

"Did you even hurt anything?" he asked, eyes narrowed at you. 

"Nope," you replied.

"Except your dignity," he muttered.

"My dignity is fully intact, thank you very much," you said, making him huff in annoyance. 

"You're quite irritating, you know that?"

"Learned from the best," you replied. 

He couldn't keep his angry expression. His lips twitched and his eyes softened. 

"Will you please teach me just a little bit today?" you pleaded, dramatically pouting at him. 

He rolled his eyes and sighed, bringing his hands to rest on your hips. "Fine," he replied, making you smile. "But when I say we're done, we're done."

You agreed and climbed off of him, letting him stand up. He finally handed over your saber and unsheathed his own.

As your hand wrapped around the metal hilt, you couldn't help thinking of the General, and couldn't help thinking of the first time you'd used this very weapon against the man that was now teaching you. 

You quickly shook the memories out of your mind, putting on a blank expression. Kylo stood in front of you, saber ignited. You did the same, copying his position. 

He spent nearly an hour teaching you some basic technique, helping you get comfortable with the weapon. 

It felt natural, almost. Swinging the saber around like it was a part of you. He'd instructed you to rely on the Force while fighting, not just using a saber as a regular weapon. He'd reminded you of that fact so much that you had the urge to impale him a few times.

"I am very much aware that this is not just a glowing metal stick," you snapped after he'd reminded you of the importance of the weapon for the hundredth time. 

Once you were exhausted and he was satisfied with your performance, you extinguished your lightsaber and hooked it in your waistband. You paused right after you did, wondering if Kylo would come take it from you.

But he didn't. He just walked next to you through the forest, heading towards his ship with his hand on your lower back.

It was a comfortable silence as you climbed onto the ship, Kylo heading towards the pilot's chair while you sat on the small bench behind him. 

The engine roared to life and you looked out the window, watching the greenery recede. You sighed and rested your head on the wall, closing your eyes.

The slight turbulence from take-off faded and you heard Kylo shuffling around. Before you could open your eyes to see where he was, you were being brought to your feet with Kylo's hand around your throat. 

He had a devilish smirk on his face and a dark look in his eye that you'd become very familiar with. 

"Did you really think you were going to get away with this without any consequences, little one?" he asked, tilting his head to look at you. 

You swallowed nervously, pressing your tongue to the inside of your cheek. He spun you around and started walking you backwards until your back collided with the wall, releasing his grip on your neck and placing both hands on either side of your head.

"You were so fucking bad today," he hissed. "So disobedient." 

He pulled his hands off of the wall to grab your hips. You immediately arched your back, pressing your chest against his. He moved his hands up and down her sides, feeling your curves underneath his gloves.

"Why are you so difficult, hm?" he asked, fingers trailing down your body, reaching between your legs. He slowly stroked the fabric covering your sex, making your breath hitch. You widened your stance for him and pushed your hips forward. 

"It's almost like you want to get in trouble," he murmured, applying more pressure to your sex. He watched as your chest started rising quicker, your lips parted as you looked at him through hooded eyes. 

You twitched when his finger glided over your clit. "Is that it, little one? You want to be punished?" he taunted, pressing your clit firmly. 

You lurched forward and grabbed onto his arm, whimpering slightly. "Tell me," he whispered, "do you want to be punished? Is that why you defy me?"

You pushed your hips into his touch more. "Please," you breathed, your grip on his arm tightening. 

He stilled his movements but kept his hand pressed against your cunt. "I'm not sure you deserve it," he replied. 

You tilted your head up and pressed your lips to his, your tongue slipping into his mouth. He groaned and you reached for his face, deepening the kiss. 

As your hands started moving towards his hair, they were ripped away from him and thrown against the wall. Kylo pulled his lips from you, grabbing at the hem of your shirt and pulling it over your head. He quickly unclasped your bra and discarded it before   
crouching down to yank your pants down your legs. 

You nearly fell over as he roughly removed your pants and threw them to the side. He caught you before you could fall, securely holding your waist while his other hand cupped your entire sex. 

You grabbed onto his shoulders as you felt a finger dip into your folds, already dripping for him. He laughed darkly before his mouth found yours again. The desire coursing through your body was tangible, a loud moan escaping you as Kylo took your lower lip in between his teeth. 

He pulled back, letting you catch your breath. "So eager, already so wet for me," he whispered. You tried to push down onto his finger, pleading with him to keep going.

Without warning, Kylo slammed two fingers inside of you and began pumping you relentlessly. "Fuck, Ky," you cried, your eyes screwing shut and head tilting back.

You were moaning uncontrollably as his thick, gloved fingers pounded into you. You were stretching around just two of his fingers, the pressure in your lower belly already forming. He brought his lips to your neck, sucking on the sensitive skin and making you whimper.

"You like getting finger-fucked, don't you?" he mumbled against your skin. "You want to cum all over my hand, hm?"

You were too overwhelmed with pleasure to answer him, only managing a weak cry. You could hear your wetness coating his leather gloves as he thrusted into you. He brought his other hand to your clit and started drawing rapid circles. 

"Don't stop," you moaned, "Please don't stop."

His hands started working you even harder and you could feel the pressure in your lower belly growing stronger, your release almost within reach. You clenched around him, your legs beginning to shake. 

"Cum for me," he ordered, "cum on my fucking fingers."

He slammed his fingers into you one last time before your entire body tensed, waves of pleasure crashing over you. A loud cry ripped from your throat as the thumb on your sweet spot continued drawing circles, drawing out your orgasm. 

His hold on your waist kept you supported as he slid his fingers out of you. He brought them to your mouth, pressing them past your lips. You eagerly sucked on his fingers, moaning at the taste of yourself while simultaneously feeling so dirty. Kylo groaned at the sound of you sucking and slurping on his fingers, watching as your lips wrapped around him. 

"You're filthy," he murmured, watching you in awe. You smiled and slid his fingers out of your mouth, licking your lips. Slithering a hand down between your bodies, you reached for the buttons on his pants. 

"And needy," he added, looking down to watch your hand. He helped you unbutton his pants, allowing you to slip a hand in his waistband and pull his cock out of his boxers. 

A loud groan rattled his chest as you tugged at his hard length, tilting your head to the side and looking at him. "It seems like you're quite needy too, Supreme Leader," you whispered, squeezing him gently. "Isn't that right?"

He grabbed your waist and quickly crouched down to hoist you up. Immediately, you wrapped your legs around him and he took a step forward, trapping you in between him and the wall. 

You kept your hand wrapped around his cock as his lips found yours, his hands traveling to the underside of your ass. He squeezed the soft flesh as you continued pumping him painfully slowly. 

You brought the tip of his cock between your legs, letting it brush your folds. You shuddered and bit your lip, watching Kylo tense. 

"Are you going to fuck me, Supreme Leader?" you teased, circling your soaking wet cunt against him. "Make me cum all over you, make me scream?"

With a low grunt, Kylo lifted you up a bit more before sinking you down onto his cock. He seated himself fully inside of you, making you take every inch of him. 

You cried out, mouth falling open and brows knitting. "Agh, fuck Ky," you whined, eyes squeezing shut. 

He moved you up and down the wall quickly, slamming his entire length into you. "You wanted to be punished," he panted, "so that's what you're going to get."

You squirmed in his hold, whines and whimpers spilling from your lips. Low groans ripped from his throat as he looked down between your bodies, watching your tight little cunt swallow his cock. You clenched around him, making him twitch inside of you. 

"Such a good girl," he praised with a raspy voice, "taking this cock so well."

You moaned, loud and sustained, subconsciously rolling your hips against him. He noticed, groaning in pleasure. "Filthy little girl, getting fucked so hard and still wanting more," he growled. 

He couldn't stop watching you as he fucked you. Eyes closed, face flushed, lips parted as sweet sounds fell from your mouth. He gripped your thighs tightly and slammed into you harder, loving the way your face creased in pleasure. Loving that he was the one to make you feel so much pleasure. 

"Look at me," he muttered breathlessly. 

You pried your eyes open, slithering a hand into his hair. He looked so perfect like this, lips swollen, jaw slack, groans rumbling in his chest. 

Fucking you against the wall in the middle of space, just the two of you. Like there was nothing left in the galaxy besides you and him. 

He leaned forward and crashed his lips into yours, pounding you relentlessly. He pulled back to look at you again, listening to your intoxicating moans and mewls. Music to his fucking ears. 

You were close and so was he, clenching every time his cock twitched inside of you. You moaned his name, dropping your head to his shoulder. 

"I,I,I-"

"I know," he breathed. "Cum for me little one."

With a muffled scream, you came on his cock, legs shaking as he continued fucking you. He followed closely behind, lurching forward and pumping you full of hot cum.

He emptied every last drop inside of you, keeping you supported as he slowly slipped out of you. Your legs were still wrapped around him, his arms still holding you against the wall. He didn't move to release you, but actually tightened his grip on your waist. 

It was nice, being in his arms. Just the two of you, not on a First Order ship, not in the middle of a war.

Eyes widening suddenly, you held onto Kylo tighter. "Wait, who's flying the-"

"I put it in neutral," he replied, smiling slightly. 

You relaxed and brought a hand up to his face, tracing his scar. "It's nice being away from the ship," you mumbled, gliding your finger over his skin. "I can pretend that everything is fine."

He looked at you a bit sadly, but he was still happy that he could take your mind off of things. That he could just be with you. 

It was a temporary distraction from reality, and he knew it was just that - temporary.


	12. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst, sorry. But it’s necessary.

The muffled whispers grew louder, clearer, the closer you came to the podium.

It held a badly damaged helmet sitting atop a pile of ashes. And something was urging you towards it. 

You could hear your name amongst the clammer of quiet voices, gently calling out to you. 

Placing a hand on the ashes, you closed your eyes, trying to discern what the voices were saying. But still, all you could hear was a jumble of words swirling around you.

You raised your hand out of the ashes, cautiously reaching for the helmet. The second you touched it, you instantly regretted it.

The room seemed to disappear, leaving you alone in complete darkness. A chill swept through you, freezing you to the bone. 

Seconds later, you saw a masked figure in front of you. He was wearing the helmet you had just touched, before it had been damaged. You sucked in a breath as he took a step towards you.

"I was supposed to be the chosen one, too," the modified voice said, dark robes fluttering around him.

Out of your peripherals, you saw more masked men stepping towards you, three on your left, four on your right, all wearing black masks. 

When you looked back at the man who had spoken, you found Kylo standing in front of you instead. The men on either side of you came to stand behind him. As you were about to take a step towards him, he ignited his lightsaber.

"I'm being torn apart," he said, the sound of his voice under his mask giving you chills. "And it's all your fault."

You stumbled and took a step back as he came towards you, weapon poised. But as quickly as he had appeared, he vanished and you heard a small cry. 

Spinning around, your hand flew to your mouth when you saw where the noise had come from.

You saw yourself as a young girl standing in front of you, holding a man's hand. It was the same cloaked man you had seen before. Your father stood opposite of the two of you, crouching down to your height. He extended a hand and you cried out, turning away to hide yourself in the other man's robes. 

You heard yourself screaming and crying into the dark brown robes as the man placed a hand on your head. 

Tears formed in your eyes, blurring your vision. You stumbled backwards again, falling onto your back.

A faint voice called your name again. "These are your first steps, my girl," the man said.

Once you opened your eyes again and blinked away the tears, you were back inside of the room you'd entered, the podium looming in the center. 

You looked up to see Kylo entering the small room, eyes wide as he rushed in, barefoot and still in his night clothes. 

Remembering what you had just seen, you instinctively cowered away from him, crawling  
backwards. 

He was quicker and easily reached you, crouching down to hold onto your shoulders.. You could tell he was angry, but he was concerned too. And confused, it seemed.

"Why were you in here?"

You shook your head, a sob racking your body as hot tears spilled down your cheeks. "I don't..." you trailed off, wiping the tears away. "I don't know, I, I just woke up and heard my name being called, and, and a lot of whispers and..."

The images flashed in your mind again, and you noticed your hands shaking. "I followed the whispers here, and when I touched the, the helmet, I saw things," you sputtered. "Like last time."

"Why was this calling to me? Who's is it?" you mumbled, looking up at him through teary eyes. 

"My grandfather's," he replied softly. "And I don't know why it was calling to you."

I was supposed to be the chosen one too.

For some reason, you didn't want to tell him what you'd seen, or the fact that his grandfather had spoken to you.

It was all so cryptic. And seeing your father again, seeing that same vision again was like opening an old wound, one that never quite healed. 

Another sob racked your body. You tried standing up, using Kylo's arms for support. He held on tightly, watching you intently. 

You looked up at him, barely being able to see his face in the darkness. "Am I tearing you apart?" you asked quietly.

His breath hitched and his grip on you tightened, clearly taken off guard by your question. You waited for an answer, wondering if what you'd heard before was true. If he actually felt that way. 

And if he did feel that way, then what he meant by that. 

He didn't reply. Instead, he glided his hands up and down your arms, noticing that you were shivering. 

"You need sleep," he said as he led you out of the room. Maybe he was just pretending that he didn't hear what you said, possibly just writing it off as delirious exhaustion on your part.

You crawled into bed and pulled the sheets up to your chin. The bed dipped as Kylo crawled in behind you. 

Your eyes were glued to the wall in front of you. The dread in your chest was growing, brewing like a dangerous storm. You didn't know why, but all you knew was that something was off. 

Turning slightly, you looked over your shoulder at Kylo. His eyes were closed but you knew he couldn't have fallen asleep that quickly. 

He heard you moving and opened his eyes. "What is it?" he asked, his voice still a bit hoarse. 

You paused for a second before speaking. 

"Do you ever think about leaving?" 

He blinked a few times, staring at you intently. He wanted to say yes. To tell you the truth that he had thought about it. 

But he couldn't tell you that.

"No," he replied flatly. You rolled over more, facing him completely. He propped himself up on his elbow to get a better look at you. 

A brief silence fell again before you spoke up. "Why did you hurt me?" you asked quietly.

He stretched out a hand, gently brushing your arm. You heard him take a deep breath before he answered you. "I denied that you were anything but my prisoner," he murmured. "That you were nothing more than a chess piece in a game of war."

The sleepiness in you dissipated. "Were," you breathed.

He nodded slightly and took your little hand in his, brushing the back of your hand with his thumb. "I was angry," he continued, "because you were alone, you grew up so alone and yet..."

"And yet, you didn't choose darkness. It didn't call to you. You are lonely like me, not belonging anywhere, but you aren't characterized by darkness like me." 

He paused, looking at you, gauging your reaction. Your mouth hung open, unable to speak. 

"Anger is all I know, Little One, and because of that, I hurt you," he said. Your eyes were searching his, as if you could see into him. "I hurt you and I said things I shouldn't have said, and, and," he paused, swallowing thickly, "and I'm sorry."

"You were right, though," you said solemnly. "They haven't come for me, haven't tried to find me. And I don't blame them."

His lips were pressed into a thin line, watching you, letting you speak. "You were right, in what you said, what you told me when you captured me," you mumbled. "I don't belong, as much as I wanted to, as much as I tried to."

He could see the pain in your eyes, and you could see the regret in his. Regret at hurting you, regret at what the darkness has turned him into. 

"But I don't belong to you either, do I? You said it yourself, I'm not like you," you said. "I'm not like Kylo, but, but I'm like Ben."

To your surprise, he didn't flinch at the mention of his name, didn't correct you. 

"You belong with me more than you belong with them," he replied. 

You shook your head, squeezing his hand tighter. "But I still don't really belong anywhere," you whispered. 

Neither do I, he wanted to say. 

He held his tongue and instead moved closer to you, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you towards him. His chin rested on top of your head, your face pressed to his chest.

"You really never thought about leaving?" you asked quietly.

He sighed, your head moving with his breath. "Sometimes I do," he said. 

"We could leave," you whispered. "Neither of us can really be happy here. I know that you know that."

"You know that can't happen little one," he mumbled, gently playing with your hair. 

You paused. "We wouldn't have to go back to The Resistance," you said. "We could leave all of it behind."

He stiffened and your heart dropped a bit. "No," he said firmly, but you could hear something else in his tone. Sadness. Regret, maybe. 

He knew he shouldn't have, but he pulled his hand out of your hair, hovering it above your head. 

And you weren't even aware that he had put you into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

"Or you could just stay with me."

———-

The hair on the back of your neck stood up. Every nerve in your body felt like it was on fire. 

You sat up straight, your chest heavy with labored breaths and your forehead damp with sweat. Ky was gone as usual, the sheets already frozen to the touch.

Everything was silent but the panic coursing through your veins was deafening. You weren't panicked, but you still felt it for some reason.

Like what happened on Attera Alpha.

Cautiously, you got dressed, on high alert for whatever was causing the panic. Whatever was causing this person to panic and why they were projecting it on you. 

You put Ky's sweater on over your top and were lacing up your boots when you heard it. 

A deafening explosion followed by loud voices. 

You grabbed your lightsaber that Ky had placed on his desk and quickly slid the door to his room open before racing towards the door to his quarters. There was another loud crash that made the ground shake beneath you. 

Before you had even slid the door open, you heard the stormtroopers that were standing guard running towards the source of the noise.

You waited a few seconds before exiting his quarters and racing after the sound of boots.

More explosions rang out. You followed the sounds, running down hallway after hallway. You skidded to a halt when the hangar came into view.

The hangar was open and you saw a large ship firing into the docking bay. Other explosions and canon fire rang out in another part of the ship, but you were concerned with the scene in front of you.

It wasn't just any ship that was firing into the hangar. 

It was a Resistance ship. 

All of the sudden, you saw metal gates beginning to close, attempting to seal off the hangar. In a split second decision, you bolted towards the lowering gates. 

It was already dangerously low and you were barely able to slid underneath it before it make contact with the floor. 

The scene in front of you was chaos. Hux was standing on one of the bridges, shouting orders to the troops standing below.

As you were about to run further into the hangar and find out what was going on and who was flying that ship, a hand clamped over your mouth and you were being dragged around a corner. 

You tried your best to flail against the person, kicking and squirming, even trying to bite their hand.

Finally, you felt your back collide with a wall and saw a 'trooper standing in front of you. Their hand remained over your mouth, muffling any noise you might make. 

The 'trooper pulled their hand away from your mouth and quickly removed their helmet.

Your jaw fell open when you realized it was the 'trooper you'd saved at the lake. 

"Look, I'm not trying to hurt you," he said. 

You stopped trying to push his arm off of you, waiting for him to explain what he was doing. 

"I'll help you get out of here if you take me with you on that ship," he said, pointing in the direction of the hangar. 

Your eyes widened, realizing that this 'trooper was offering to help you escape, and admitting that he was about to commit treason. 

All you could manage was a nod as you looked at him, completely shocked. 

He nodded back at you, a small smile on his face. You tried your best to return the gesture before spinning on your heel and heading towards the hangar, the 'trooper following close behind. 

There was too much commotion for anyone to really notice you, especially since your clothes were dark. Pressing your back against the wall, you edged closer to the opening of the hangar. 

"Most of the 'troopers aren't here," he whispered. "They're countering the other attack."

It made sense considering you had heard crashes and explosions from other areas of the ship. "So there's more of the Resistance fleet?"

He nodded emphatically. "A lot more," he replied. 

You couldn't help but smile. Based on that information, most of them would be occupied elsewhere which gave you a considerable advantage.

He noticed a discarded blaster a few feet away and quickly snatched it up, handing it to you. Taking a deep breath, you looked over at him. "I need to get closer and see who is on that ship, you stay here until I signal for you to come towards me," you instructed him. "Stay hidden, don't let them  
see you."

It felt odd giving instructions to someone you had no authority over, someone who had more experience with this than you did. But he didn't seem to mind.

He nodded and you gave him a light tap on his armor before you crept towards the hovering Resistance ship. 

The ship was firing relentlessly. You were close enough to see the ship when you stuck your head out a bit, trying to see if the pilot or any passenger was visible. 

As if on cue, the ramp partially opened and you saw a man at the entrance. 

The man you'd been missing for so long. 

The one and only Poe Dameron. 

Tears immediately stung your eyes, all the air leaving your lungs. Poe was crouched at the opening of the ramp with his blaster. You wanted to scream for him, tell him that you were here, let him know that you were so close to him. 

But you couldn't let him see you yet. You couldn't let the troops see you yet either.

You looked back over your shoulder, checking on the 'trooper that you'd instructed to stay behind. The blaster fire hadn't let up but you took a deep breath and carefully took a step away from the wall. 

The second you did, you felt the barrel of a blaster against your temple and a gloved hand grabbing the back of your neck. 

"Drop the weapon," demanded the unmistakable voice of General Hux. 

Reluctantly, you released the weapon and held your hands up. Using his grip on the back of your neck, he pulled you with him. 

"Hold your fire!" he yelled over at the troops. The blaster fire began to dwindle as he brought you farther into the hangar, only a couple dozen yards from the Resistance ship.

"Maybe Ren was right," he hissed in your ear. "You can be used as bait."

Up until that moment, you hadn't really thought about Kylo. All you had been focused on was getting out of here. You never realized that getting out of here meant leaving him behind. 

He dragged you with him until you were directly in front of the ship, looking right at Poe. He immediately stood up and screamed your name, aiming his blaster at Hux.

"Ah, ah, ah, rebel scum," Hux called out to Poe. "Shoot me and she goes too."

"It'd be a shame if the sudden object of Ren's affection were to be killed," he added. 

He pressed the blaster into your temple harder for emphasis, making you flinch. Poe looked horrified, his eyes wide with panic. 

You gave him a weak smile, trying to get him to relax and most importantly, trying to keep him from doing anything stupid. 

Hoping he got the message, you closed your eyes and focused. And before Hux could do anything about it, you turned around, wrenched the blaster away from him, and extended your own hand in his direction. 

He flew backwards until he crashed into some cargo boxes. Just as you were about to aim your blaster back at the 'troopers, you felt a searing pain in your leg. You cried out in pain as you looked down, seeing that a shot had hit you in the thigh. 

More shots flew near your head and despite the pain, you extended a hand and froze the incoming shot in front of you. Grimacing, you deflected the shot back towards the shooter and aimed your blaster. 

You were expecting an entire hail of blaster fire to rain down on you, but for some reason, nothing happened. The 'troopers all stood there, weapons poised by unmoving, not firing at you. 

Their helmets were all pointed to your left and you turned your head, wondering what they were looking at. 

You stomach dropped when you saw Kylo. 

He had his hand held up and you realized that he was the reason the 'troopers weren't firing. His mask was trained on you as he walked towards the center of the hangar, coming to stand in between you and his troops. 

You heard Poe scream your name again but you held up your hand just like Kylo had, signaling for Poe to hold his fire.

Kylo brought his hands to his helmet and slowly removed it, dropping it to the floor. You shifted your weight and winced as a fresh wave of pain shot through your leg. 

A slight movement caught your eye. You looked past Kylo's shoulder and noticed Hux was emerging from the pile of crates you'd thrown him into. He brushed his uniform off, trying to remain a sense of dignity as he walked towards Kylo. 

He looked beyond angry, looking at you with pure hatred burning in his eyes. "Ren, this is ridiculous, just get rid-"

"I believe your presence is needed in the control room, General," Kylo said cooly. 

Hux stopped in his tracks, his expression somehow getting angrier. "Ren, I-"

There was another loud explosion from somewhere else in the ship, proving Kylo's point. 

"The control room, General."

Begrudgingly, Hux turned on his heel and started to leave, not without shooting Kylo an extremely displeased glare. 

Kylo started slowly walking towards you, stopping when he was a couple yards away from you.

"Ky-"

His name died on your tongue as he unsheathed his lightsaber and ignited it. Your breath caught in your throat as his weapon crackled, glowing bright red at his side. You stumbled back a few steps, eyes wide as you looked at him. 

You couldn't read his expression. But the look in his eye sent a surge of panic and misery to your chest. As much as you didn't want to, you unsheathed your own lightsaber and ignited it, holding it at your side. 

"I don't want to fight you, Ky," you said, your voice shaking. 

His grip on his lightsaber tightened. "You're giving me no choice," he replied. "Unless you come to your senses and make the right choice."

"And what is the right choice?" you asked. "Remain a prisoner and ignore the only family I have, or leave..." 

"Or leave you," you choked.

"Then don't."

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, noticing the stormy look on his eyes. 

"Join me," he said, reaching his hand out to you. "Stay here and we can rule together. We can bring a new order to the galaxy."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you looked at him. You shook your head regretfully. "Don't do this Ben," you pleaded. "Please Ben, please don't do this."

"You're still holding on," he hissed. "Let old things die." He slowly moved closer to you. 

"You know the truth," he said quietly. "The truth about your family, about your father, about yourself."

The tears you'd been trying to hold back fell freely now, streaming down your face. 

"Your father was a gambler," he continued. "He sold you for gambling money. He's dead now, long gone. He died a filthy, pathetic addict."

A quiet sob shook your body as you listened to him. You hated that he was right, hated that what he said was true. It was true no matter how hard you tried to deny it. 

"You have no place in this story. You come from nothing, you are nothing," he said. Another sob racked your body, more tears soaking your face. 

He took another step towards you. "You are nothing," he repeated."But not to me." 

He reached his hand out towards you again, his hand trembling slightly. He paused before taking another small step towards you. 

"Join me," he said breathlessly. "Please."

You looked at his outstretched hand. You imagined taking it, imagined placing your small hand in his, feeling his leather gloves under your fingertips. You imagined being able to take his hand. 

But you couldn't. Maybe in some other life, in some other world. But right now, you couldn't take his hand. 

"I can't Ben," you replied. "You have to know that I can't."

He sharply retracted his hand, taking a step back from you. "Then like I said," he muttered, "you leave me no choice."

Before you could plead with him more, he raised his weapon and lunged. You yelped and narrowly dodged his strike, stumbling back from the impact. The pain in your leg was agonizing, a cry ripping from your throat. 

You looked at him with wide eyes, your expression revealing your hurt at his actions. He lunged again, just barely missing your arm. 

"Don't do this Ben," you begged him. 

His lip curled into a snarl. "You keep trying to change me. Thinking that you're special enough to fix me," he sneered, his words laced with venom.

You couldn't even form any words as you looked at him. "This savior complex of yours," he spat, "making you think that you have to change who I am. Making you think that you can change me."

You clenched your teeth and brought your saber upright. "I am not trying to change you," you replied. "I'm trying to remind you of who you are and make you stop pretending to be someone you're not."

His lip curled in anger and he lunged again, swinging wildly. You blocked him and took a step back, keeping distance in between you.

"I know who you are, I know who you truly are," you said. "I saw who you are. Kylo is a mere disguise, beginning and ending with that mask. You are Ben, through and through."

"You saw who you wanted to see," he spat. "You saw whoever you needed in order to get rid of the guilt you felt from fucking me."

Your blood boiled, anger spreading through your chest. By now, the pain in your leg was numb compared to the raw ache in your chest. Letting tears fall freely, you advanced towards him, swinging uncontrollably in between sobs.

"Admit it," he hissed as he easily blocked your strikes. "You saw who you wanted to see to make yourself feel like less of a whore. Like you didn't trade your morals in exchange for your pleasure."

"You fucking asshole," you yelled as you extended your hand, bringing his lightsaber through the air and into your hand.

Your chest was rising quickly, your entire body shaking with rage as you held the metal  
hilt of his lightsaber. Slowly, you moved towards him, your weapon pointed right at his chest. 

"It was all a bunch of lies, wasn't it?" you asked, laughing darkly. "Every word out of your fucking mouth, every night you held me until I fell asleep," you said, your voice cracking with sobs. 

"You meant what you said," you hissed through gritted teeth. "You just wanted to turn me, make me into your little puppet, just like Snoke did to you."

You saw him raise his hand and knew he was trying to take his weapon back. Before he could, you threw it at him, the hilt hitting him in the stomach. His breath hitched at the impact, but let it fall to the floor. 

Tears streamed down your face uncontrollably, your entire body shaking as you looked at him. He tried to keep a blank expression but you saw the conflict in him, saw the remorse in his eyes. 

"I was nothing more than warm mouth to you, isn't that right?" you asked. "Just someone to keep your sheets warm, huh?"

He didn't reply, didn't say anything. 

You bit your lip, trying to stifle the sobs rattling in your chest. Lowering your weapon slightly, you started inching away from him, towards the hovering ship. 

Towards a man that actually cared about you. 

"I hope you think of me every time you look in the mirror and see that damn scar," you said. "I hope you're fucking haunted." 

"Haunted by the fact that you drove away another person that cares," you added quietly, your voice barely above a whisper. 

He looked like he wanted to say something, his lips parting slightly. You paused, waiting for him to speak, silently hoping that he would apologize. Confess that he did care about you, take back what he had said. 

But he didn't. 

"Maybe you're lonely because you keep pushing the people that care about you away." You wiped your face and took a deep breath as you walked away from him. 

Remembering the deal you made with the 'trooper, you glanced over your shoulder and quickly gestured for him to come towards you. 

Turning back around, you kept your lightsaber poised, watching for any movement from Kylo or the troops behind him.

You heard the sound of armor getting closer and soon, the 'trooper was standing next to you, blaster aimed and ready. You grabbed his wrist, eyes never leaving Kylo.

"Get a running start, then jump," you said.

"Wha-"

Before he could object, you ripped your eyes away from Kylo and started running towards the ramp. Towards Poe. 

He was already waiting for you. The ramp was close to the hangar but still a considerable distance. 

Ignoring the agonizing pain in your leg, you pushed off the edge of the hangar and jumped. 

You and the 'trooper landed at the bottom of the ramp with a thud, your body crumpling next to him. Taking one last look over your shoulder, you snuck a glance at Kylo. 

If you didn't know any better, you could've sworn there were tears in his eyes. 

You felt Poe and the 'trooper grab your arms and start pulling you into the ship. They released you once you were inside and you faintly heard Poe say that he had to help the copilot.

It didn't matter though. All you could do was curl into a ball on the floor as your body convulsed with sobs, tears falling onto the ground beneath you. 

Luckily, the shockwaves of pain in your leg and you emotional exhaustion allowed for the sweet relief of unconsciousness to take hold of you, the familiar embrace of darkness to envelope you.


	13. A Beloved Son

"You have a hole in your leg!"

You squirmed and tried to get out of his grip, tugging on his sleeve. "Yes I do," you replied. "And if you don't put me down, I'm going to put a hole in your leg."

Poe stopped walking but kept you tightly held against him as you continued wriggling and trying to roll out of his arms. "You need medical attention," he muttered, looking down at you with wide eyes. 

You huffed, seeing the genuine worry in his expression."The bandage you put on will hold up for now," you replied, your voice softening. 

He didn't budge, his eyes still swimming with worry. You sighed loudly and grabbed his collar. "Alright, I'll make a deal with you," you said. "You take me to the General right now and I'll let you carry me, and after that, I will go to the medical wing."

A beat. "Fine," he grumbled, starting to walk again. 

You laughed slightly seeing his pouty expression. His face softened and he smiled at you, using the hand that was under your knees to pinch you slightly. 

"You know," he said, "I distinctly remember doing this with some girl on Coruscant a while ago."

"Yeah, I think I remember that too," you replied with a smile. 

"I missed you kid," he said, holding you tighter. 

"I missed you too," you replied, flicking his chest playfully. 

You'd missed him terribly. Thought of him every day, thought of seeing him again, thought of getting to hug him again. And now, you were literally in his arms, experiencing the very thing you'd been thinking of since you last saw him. 

And all you could think about was Ben. 

It made you sick. You were in the arms of your closest friend, a man that risked his life to get you back from the First Order, and yet your mind kept wandering back to the man that had taken you away from Poe in the first place. 

He had acted like a completely different person back in the hangar. He acted like the man he was when he first captured you.

Cruel, emotionless, a monster. 

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Poe stopped walking and carefully set you down. He kept an arm around your shoulder, keeping you steady. 

He wasn't going to say anything but he knew you were still lightheaded and not in the best shape right now. And you needed a little bit of physical support whether you wanted to admit it or not. 

The General was standing in front of you, hands clasped in front of her, a gentle smile on her face. Just the sight of her was enough to make you tear up. 

She wasn't alone, though. On her right was an older man and next to him was a big, fluffy Wookie. 

Your eyes widened when you realized who the man was. 

"You're Han Solo," you whispered.

"I used to be," he grumbled. His tone was sour, but the twitch of a smile on his lips betrayed him. 

Of course you knew who he was and knew he was married to General Organa, but you'd never actually seen him. He was somewhat of a myth to you, a legend even. 

The Wookie behind him suddenly growled. 

"And this is Chewie," Han added. You nodded at Chewie, the fur ball making a noise of approval.

You turned back to Han and Leia, tears pricking your eyes as you did. You were looking at a broken, incomplete family, missing an estranged son. 

A beloved son. 

It felt like a punch to the stomach, and you couldn't possibly imagine how they must've felt. How they've dealt with that pain all these years. 

"I'm glad to see you back here," the General said, snapping you out of your thoughts. 

"I'm glad to be back," you replied, "but I really need to tell you about every-"

You paused when you saw movement over Leia's shoulder. A grey-bearded man was walking towards you, clad in robes the same color of his hair.

Luke Skywalker.

The man that had brought Kylo Ren to fruition, a master that had betrayed not only his student, but his own flesh and blood. And he was walking towards you. 

Before you knew it, you were lunging towards him. 

"You son of a bitch! How could you?" Before you could shove past Han and Leia to strangle the hell out of Luke, Poe grabbed your arm and yanked you back to him. 

"Easy kid, easy," Poe whispered in your ear, holding you firmly. 

To your surprise, Luke didn't look offended at your outburst. In fact, he looked sorry. 

He came to stand next to Leia, his head tilted down to the floor. Your chest was heaving, a wild look in your teary eyes as you watched him.

If looks could kill. 

You brought your eyes back to Leia. "How could you let him come here? After what he did?"

Han's lips were pressed in a thin line, Leia sighing sadly. Neither of them said anything. 

Poe released you once he felt you were calm enough, but kept a hand on your shoulder, squeezing slightly. You paused and took a deep breath before speaking to Leia again.

"How did you convince uncle of the year over there to come back? And why is he here?"

The General didn't answer. Instead, Luke did. 

"They didn't convince me," he replied. "I came on my own. I felt something change, something different in the Force. An... awakening."

Awakening. 

You remembered what Ben had said the night you'd gone to him. 

I felt a shift, a ripple in the Force.

You locked eyes with Luke. Still beyond angry, you tried to calm yourself as much as you could before speaking. "Why didn't I realize it sooner?" you asked. 

You tried to sound composed, polite even. But your tone was still undeniably cold. He shook his head, pursing his lips. You waited for a response, for a fragment of an explanation, but it never came.   
You were too flustered and agitated to press him further and honestly, your newly discovered ability was not your priority at the moment. 

You turned your attention back to the General. "I know there's a lot going on, but I need to speak with you," you said. "Now, please."

"Yes, yes I believe you do."

—-

You wiped your eyes with your sleeve, sniffling quietly. "I thought he might come back," you mumbled. 

She placed her hand over yours silently. You had told her everything about how you had almost escaped, about the visions, even telling her how you'd seen Ben's memories. 

But you kept the other details about Ben to yourself. 

The way he'd held you, his lips against your skin. His hands running through your hair as you tangled yourselves in the sheets. 

Those were your private memories, something that was completely yours. And you weren't really in the mood to tell your superior, a woman you looked up to greatly, that you'd fucked her son.

The General gave you a sympathetic nod. "I know," she said quietly, "but I've still sensed a change. A change in Ben."

You looked at her, slightly puzzled. She smiled and patted your hand. "What, did you think Luke was the only one that can sense things in the Force?"

You laughed wryly. "No, I just didn't realize you could feel him," you replied, looking down out your lap. 

"I can," she said, "and I can tell you that my son has become less destructive, less violent in recent weeks. Less... tormented."

You couldn't help the tears that slipped down your cheek. "Do you know why?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. 

She paused, her lips twitching into a sad smile. "I think you know why," she replied.

You shifted uncomfortably. "Because of..." you trailed off, chewing your lip. "Because of me?"

She nodded. "Ever since you didn't return from your mission, since you were captured."

You could only manage to nod in response. Her words warmed your heart yet simultaneously broke it. You'd had an effect on him somehow, gotten through in a way, but it still wasn't enough. A bittersweet realization that you'd come close, but not  
close enough. 

You silently prayed to whoever was listening that she didn't somehow know the full extent of your interaction with Ben. Hopefully, she thought it was just your presence that had affected him and not.... other things.

You cleared your throat and looked out the window. "Is that why you didn't come for me earlier?" you asked warily. 

She sighed. "Yes and no," she said simply. "We had to be smart about it, and we decided that launching an attack on their ship simultaneously was best strategy-wise. But to be honest, I delayed coming for you by a couple of weeks because..." she trailed off, a bit of guilt flashing across her face. "Because I sensed more conflict in him than I have ever detected before, and I thought that this would be the time he finally came home."

Tears were falling freely now, your lip quivering. The General had tears in her eyes too, and you honestly couldn't understand how she wasn't on the floor sobbing.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't bring....," you trailed off, your voice cracking. "I failed the mission, I-I failed-"

"You did not fail me," she said firmly, squeezing your hand tightly. 

You sniffled quietly, drying your face with your sleeve. A single tear fell from the General's eye, falling into her lap. 

So much sadness and yet so much hope inside of this woman. 

A pained sigh slipped from your mouth as you wiped more tears away, the exhaustion creeping up on you. The General could tell just how drained you were, and she removed her hand from yours. 

"Get some rest and get that leg taken care of," she said as she stood up. You stood up as well, wiping your face again. 

You nodded and headed for the door."Thank you, General."

She smiled at you. "I think you can call me Leia now." She took you off guard by wrapping her arms around you, embracing you tightly. You clung to her, squeezing her gently. 

Even though you understood Ben more than you had before, had seen his experiences and somehow felt it, you still didn't understand how he could walk away from a woman, a mother, like this.

It almost angered you. He had two parents, a mother and father that loved him unconditionally, and he turned against them while you had to grow up without the loving hold of mother, had to watch your father walk away from you. 

You let go first, knowing that if you stayed here much longer, you'd be a puddle of tears. She cupped your face gently before she sent you on your way. You turned away from her, taking another deep breath and heading for the door. 

Even though Poe wasn't here right now, you headed towards the medical bay. You'd promised him you'd go after your meeting and to be honest, you were in a ton of pain. Limping slightly, you made your way to the medical wing, asking one of the medics for some assistance once you got there. Seeing your leg, the woman's eyes widened and she led you over to an open bed, helping you sit on it.

She started cleaning your wound, mumbling apologies when the disinfectant made you wince. With a few stitches and some bacta ointment applied underneath fresh bandages, you were fine to leave.

"You know," the nurse said as you hopped off of the bed, "I haven't had the pleasure of treating many rescued captives but when I have, they were in much worse shape than you."

"Yeah, I guess I got lucky," you replied. You assured her that you didn't need more of an examination, quickly thanking her and walking towards the exit. 

You opened the door to the med bay to see Poe standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall. You flinched slightly, a bit startled to see him waiting for you. 

"Someone's jumpy," he taunted. "What'd they say? Is the leg alright? Did you lose any brain cells?"

"Leg is fine and all my brain cells are here and accounted for," you replied. "Not sure I can say the same for you though."

He gasped dramatically, feigning offense. You laughed slightly, your eyes crinkling at the corner.   
He pushed himself off of the wall and turned on his heel, signaling for you to walk with him down the corridor. 

"Where are we going?" you asked.

"Food," he replied. "I'm fucking starving."

"Shocking," you muttered. "Don't you have something to do though? Fix the ship?"

You'd seen how many blaster shots had hit the ship and you were sure it'd require a bit of work. 

"I'll deal with the damage those bucketheads caused later," he grumbled. 

You turned around a corner, following the familiar path to the cafeteria."Sorry I wasn't there when you finished talking with the General," he said. "I was getting Finn settled in."

"Finn?"

"The souvenir 'trooper you brought back," he explained with a smirk.

You frowned slightly, your brows pulling together. "I thought the 'troopers were only assigned numbers."

He paused. "They are," he admitted, "but I figured the man deserved a name instead of FN-2187. So, I went with Finn."

You raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, so you named my souvenir," you taunted. 

He narrowed his eyes at you, making your grin spread. "At least you picked a good one," he grumbled as the two of you turned the corner out of the medical wing. 

"I did?"

"Mhm, he's the one that bandaged your leg on the ship," he said. 

You tilted your head at him playfully. "So the traitor bandaged my leg," you observed, "not my best friend."

He scoffed. "Because your best friend was busy flying the damn plane with the big, very opinionated fur ball," he muttered.

You laughed and swatted his arm. "Oh, relax. I'm just kidding."

Poe ruffled your hair, making you swat his arm again. "I know you are kid," he replied. "Glad to see that your time abroad didn't make you any less of a pain in the ass."

The cafeteria came into view at the end of the corridor, your stomach practically grumbling just at the proximity. "Well of course not," you chirped, "I have a reputation to uphold."

The familiar scents wafted towards you as Poe opened the doors. It was actually one of the last places you'd been before the mission. You'd stopped by to grab a cup of coffee before you left, not knowing that you wouldn't see it again for a while. 

Grabbing a tray, you stood behind Poe as he grabbed some food. You watched him intently, looking at the his back covered by the jacket you rarely saw him without. 

You wondered if you could tell him the truth about your imprisonment. The entire truth. You wanted to tell him everything, wanted some to confide in. Possibly help you to sift through the jumble of emotions tangled in your mind.

Mindlessly, you filled your plate and took a seat opposite of Poe. Actually sitting down and having a meal with another person was a strange sensation. You'd gotten used to having your food delivered to you, eating it alone in silence. Despite the fact that you had often shared a bed with Kylo, you almost never shared a meal with him. You weren't even sure the man ate regularly, to be honest.

"You ok kid?" Poe asked, snapping you out of your thoughts. "Your tea might get cold."

You blinked, not realizing that you had been sitting there completely still, not eating your food, not speaking. Giving him a weak smile, you picked up your fork and started eating. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," you replied. "How's the food?" 

Poe smiled. "Mediocre but still delicious as always." He took a bite of his biscuit and leaned back in his chair. "And your food? I'm sure you're glad to finally be eating some real food."

Your heartbeat picked up. He'd never believe that you'd been eating fine the last couple weeks. Eating really well, actually. That Kylo would have coffee brought to you every morning, sweet fruit too, and sometimes even a warm muffin. 

Swallowing, you managed to nod at him. "Yeah, really glad," you lied. It was clear that he didn't fully believe you, considering that you weren't ravaging your food like he would've expected a newly freed to prisoner to have done.

You started eating quicker, hoping that Poe's growing suspicion would fade as you scarfed down your food. 

"I know you just told the whole story to Organa," Poe muttered, swallowing a bite of his food, "but do you think you could manage to tell me a little bit?"

You nodded and took a sip of your tea before speaking. "They've got an armory on Corellia," you informed him. "Tucked away in this forest area, partially underground too. And Ren said they're building new ships."

Poe raised an eyebrow, bringing his elbows to rest on the table. "Corellia? Interesting."

"It's in a completely isolated area. Wouldn't even have known it was there," you added.

A smirk crept across his face. "Then how do you know it's there?"

You tried to keep a blank expression, averting your eyes from Poe's gaze. "Ren had to take care of some  
business there and he brought me along," you replied. "I may or may not have caused some trouble right before then that made him hesitant to leave me on his ship."

"Sounds about right," he said with a light laugh. "What'd you do?"

"I started a small fire in Hangar Three and shot a few 'troopers," you said smugly. 

Poe nearly choked on his water. "You did what?"

"Didn't get to escape," you admitted, "but that's when I figured out I'm Force-sensitive or whatever it's called. Oh, and I gave Ren the lovely scar on his face."

You tried to sound smug, cocky, even. But you swallowed thickly when memories rippled in your mind. Your finger lightly tracing the wound as you laid on top of him, his hands on your bare waist. The way his scar would turn bright red as he hovered about you, a result of his elevated body temperature. 

Poe whistled lowly and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. "And here I thought you were wasting away in a cell, waiting to be executed," he teased.

"Did you think I was dead?" you asked quietly.

A beat. "Yes," he breathed, his expression becoming more serious again. "I did until Organa called me in and told me that you were still alive. She didn't say how she knew, but she said that she was absolutely sure that you were alive."

You nodded, remembering how Leia had told you that she'd sensed the change within Ben, how Luke had said he felt a change in the Force. Catching Poe's gaze again, you noticed the look in his eye and paused.

He was looking at you like you'd break into pieces any second. You placed your hand on top of his, drawing circles with your thumb. "I'm alright Dameron, I promise," you said quietly. It was a blatant lie but you hated the worried expression on his face. 

"I know, I just feel bad," he mumbled, looking away.

Puzzled, you raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

He took a deep breath. "I thought you were dead, kid. Up until the General told me otherwise, I just wallowed in self pity and didn't do anything to get you back."

You squeezed his hand, making him look at you. "You have no reason to feel bad. I'm pretty sure everyone assumed I was dead," you said with a gentle laugh. 

A comfortable silence fell as you sat there, the warmth of being loved and cared about surrounding you. Ben had preyed on your desire, your need to belong and feel loved, all because you overlooked the love already in your life. 

Poe pulled his hand out from under yours to grab your tray, placing it under his. "Alright, you must be exhausted. I should let you go," he said. 

You chewed on your lip. He was right, but you still felt guilty about admitting it. You wanted to spend more time with him, wanted to catch up. But you also wanted to take a long, long shower and sleep for the next three days. 

"Are you sure?" you asked him. 

He waved you off, dismissing your worried expression. "Of course," he assured you. "Besides, I need to go fix the ship that those bucketheads put a bunch of holes in," he grumbled. 

He started rambling about the ship, gesturing wildly. You listened as he spoke with such passion, his words silencing your distracting thoughts. A calmness settled over you, warmth spreading throughout your body.

Warmth that wasn't caused by the hot tea you'd drank. 

——

You took a long, hot shower, trying to focus solely on the feeling of warm water hitting your skin, letting it wash away the tension building in your mind. 

You were hoping that the water circling down the drain would take your thoughts with it. 

It didn't. 

As you washed yourself, images flooded your mind each time your hands skimmed over a fading bruise or mark. You body was littered with them. Red marks from Kylo's fingers, faint purple bruises left by his lips covering your neck and chest. 

It was an odd contrast, seeing similar marks made in wildly different contexts. Fading bruises on your neck from when Kylo choked you out of anger, overlapped by bruises made by his mouth, formed out of lust. An array of healing injuries from when he made you fight the two 'troopers right next to the lingering red marks on your body left by his hands and fingers. 

You tilted your head back under the stream of water, washing the shampoo out of your hair. Mindlessly, you lathered conditioner into your hair, your fingers pressing into your scalp as if you could push the tension out of your mind. It frightened you that despite being home, safe and sound, you still felt unsettled, dread filling your chest. Dread that hadn't been present since before that first night you'd spent with Kylo, nearly three weeks ago.

The first time you'd ever been with someone, let another person see you and touch you in such a vulnerable, intimate way. You felt butterflies in your stomach just thinking about the way he'd looked at you, admiring your exposed body, leaving tender kisses across your skin. 

It was still hard to believe just how gentle he was with you. His hands caressing you with feathery touches, his lips warming your skin. The Supreme Leader of the First Order had been gentle, kind, even sweet with you.

With his prisoner. A Resistance fighter, his enemy. 

A nobody. 

You stepped out of the shower once the water had grown cold, wanting nothing more than to bundle yourself in a blanket and fall asleep. It seemed like unconsciousness was the only time you'd have any relief from your own mind. 

Once you were back in your room, dressed in a loose shirt and comfortable shorts, you glanced at the clothes you been wearing when you returned. Black pants, black shirt, black sweater. 

Ben's sweater. 

You grabbed the shirt and badly torn pants, throwing them in the trash can without another thought. But you left the sweater on top of your dresser, unable to bring yourself to get rid of it yet unable to have it too close to you. 

With a small flick of your wrist, you turned off the lights and crawled into bed. You were still hesitant about this newfound ability of yours, still a bit confused about the Force altogether, but you couldn't deny how convenient it was.

You were starting to understand why Kylo always used it to open doors instead of just pressing a button. 

A deafening silence fell around you, your small, cozy room suddenly feeling uncomfortably large and sterile. The sheets underneath you weren't nearly as comfortable as Kylo's, your pillows not nearly as soft. You'd gotten used to sharing a bed with someone and now that you weren't, the bed you once thought of as too small felt like a never ending ocean. You felt lonely with only a blanket wrapped around you, rather than someone's arms. His arms.

A tear leaked out of the corner of your eye, falling onto your pillow, a mix of guilt and sadness. 

Guilty that you didn't hate the man, saddened by the fact that you were alone again. 

His deep, intoxicating voice echoed in your mind, bouncing around your skull. Taunting you, almost. 

Whoever you need me to be. 

You belong with me more than you belong with them.

You rolled onto your side, pulling the blanket up to your chin and clutching it tightly. You wondered if he was feeling lonely too. Or if, by some chance, he was regretting what he'd said to you, regretting not leaving with you. 

But you weren't being foolish anymore. You could wonder all you wanted, but you knew he didn't regret it.


	14. Mine

It's almost like he wanted to get his neck snapped. 

"I'm just not sure I understand," Hux muttered though clenched teeth. "I leave you alone with our prisoner and somehow she boards a ship and escapes."

No response. 

"You tell me to leave and-"

"Would you rather I had let her throw you across the hangar again, General?" Kylo spat, his entire body painfully tense 

Hux paused, his cheeks turning a similar color to his hair. He clenched his jaw and straightened his posture, trying to regain some sense dignity. "I would hate to see your... affections for this Resistance slut get in the way of our priorities," he replied sharply.

Kylo closed the gap between the two men, angrily pointing a finger in the shorter man's face. "And I would hate to have you imply that my priorities are being swayed," he hissed. "Know your place, General."

With that, he spun on his heel and left the room, leaving Hux alone with his frustration. Kylo stalked through the sterile hallways, every 'trooper and officer he came across scrambling out of his way. 

He had always been an angry person, always been the man that could empty a room just by walking in. But this? This was a different type of anger. 

This was pure, unbridled, all encompassing rage. 

Just because of her. 

The girl, the escaped prisoner, the rebel scum. 

He stormed through the doors to his living quarters, his leather-clad fists clenching and his heart angrily beating in his chest. He quickly removed his helmet and threw it across the room, not caring that he'd have to fix it again. 

Only three days.

His fist connected with the metal door, leaving a large dent. But he wasn't satisfied. He hit it again and again until half a dozen dents littered the surface. 

It'd been just three days since she had left, since she had gotten on that ship. And in those three days, all he could think about was her.

Think about the moans and cries of pleasure that tumbled out of her mouth while he hoevered above her, those perfect pink lips of hers working against his, her hands tugging on his hair as he kissed and gently nipped at her neck. 

But he couldn't help but also think about the pain in her eyes, the shock in her face when he ignited his lightsaber, the hurt radiating off of her as she listened to the cruel words he hurled at her. 

He hadn't gotten a full night's sleep since she left. Since he lost her. Apparently, the only thing that kept his demons away long enough for him to sleep was her.

Every time he crawled in to bed, trying to find some relief from his own mind, all he could focus on was the fact that his bed felt painfully empty without her in it. A coldness in his chest that couldn't be warmed by any amount of sheets or blankets. 

He couldn't even eat. 

He'd try and take a bite of food and all he could think about was the smile on her lips when he brought her fresh fruit, the way she hummed happily when she tasted a warm muffin. 

But the rage coursing through him wasn't because he couldn't eat or sleep. It was because of the sobering realization that this girl that had turned his life upside down would never be his girl. 

Not after what he'd said to her. Not after she'd left him, returned to her base, and would no doubt be reminded of just how awful he was. 

Those few weeks with her was just a cruel tease, taunting him with what he deeply desired but could never have. 

But he still wanted her, wanted to give her everything she needed, everything she wanted. And he could, if she'd only just let him. 

He wanted, needed to have her writhing underneath him again, her delicate hands clutching his sheets as he fucked her, filled her up. Watching her fall asleep in his arms afterwards, sweet sighs passing through her lips. Lashes fluttering gently against her eyelids when she dreamt, her little hand pressed against his chest, right over his heart. Subconsciously reminding herself that he was human, a real person. 

That's where the rage came from. The infuriating realization that he'd her slip right through his fingers. Let this strong yet still soft, aggravating yet highly intoxicating, pretty little thing out of his grasp. 

She'd been one of the only people to see the man beneath the monster. To actually try and understand him, understand why he is the way he is. 

And he'd ruined it by saying things he desperately wished he could take back. 

He couldn't help it, though. Putting her down, making her hurt, being the monster the she had seen right through. It was the only way to ensure that she didn't know just how bad he had it for her, how bad he wanted her.

She needed someone to care for her, hold her at the end of each day, pleasure her endlessly, make her feel like she truly belonged. 

He could do all those things and he would've if she hadn't left. Well, if he hadn't driven her away.

Those words she'd said echoed in his head continuously, furiously tapping at his skull. 

Maybe you're lonely because you keep pushing the people that care about you away.

He could hear her voice so clearly that it felt like she was still in the room. 

—-

You could hear his voice so clearly that it felt like he was in your room. 

His words, those last words he'd said to you running through your mind, over and over and over again over the past three days. 

You saw who you wanted to see to make yourself feel like less of a whore. Like you didn't trade your morals in exchange for your pleasure.

Maybe he was right. Maybe you were being delusional in thinking that Ben Solo was still in there. Maybe it was just your way of rationalizing your actions. 

Three days. 

Three days had passed and you still thought about Ben just as much as you did the first day you'd gotten back to base. 

You tried to focus back on the book you were reading. But you're weren't in any place to be reading and actually retaining anything on the pages. 

You had eaten dinner quickly, returning to your room to read a bit before turning in early. Tomorrow, you could finally start training instead of just sitting around, helping Organa with small tasks here and there. 

Not that you didn't enjoy spending time with her, but you were itching to start training. In just a couple of days, you had come to see your ability to use the Force as a gift rather than a burden. You still didn't know much about it, but now you were anxious to learn.

Your futile attempt to keep reading was interrupted by a knock on your door. Before you could stand up and let them in, Poe was walking through the door. 

"Hey kid," he chirped, heading towards you. 

He extended his hand, showing you one of the slices of cake he had brought with. "Just to celebrate the fact that you can get off your ass starting tomorrow," he teased, handing you the dessert. 

You didn't laugh at his comment like you normally would've, making Poe pause. "Something wrong?" he asked, taking a seat next to you. 

"No, no, I'm fine," you mumbled, quickly taking a bite of your cake. 

He didn't seem to buy it but he didn't say anything, just took a bite of his dessert. A brief silence fell as you both enjoyed the sweet cake.

"Why didn't you let me come with you on the mission?" he asked suddenly, making you pause mid bite. 

You swallowed slowly, trying to figure out what to reply. "I wanted to carry out a mission on my own. You know, show Organa that I'm capable."

"You wanted to prove yourself," he mumbled. 

You laughed dryly. "That's exactly what Ren said," you muttered. 

"But why?" he asked, repositioning himself to face you. "You've been here for months and yet Organa trusts you more than some people that have been here for years. I mean, she promoted you to lead a team of well-trained infantrymen within two months. 

You shrugged and looked at your lap. "I know, I just thought that if I could do this, then..." you trailed off. "I could prove that some street kid, a nobody, could actually do something of importance. 

You looked up at Poe to see a pained expression on his face. "No one questioned your usefulness kid," he said, shaking his head. "You've proved yourself ten times over. And you've done plenty of important things for the Resistance."

You smiled at him, already feeling tears pricking your eyes. You wanted to tell him everything. You trusted him more than anyone. But you still couldn't quiet the fear of judgment in your chest. 

Another comfortable silence fell as you finished your cake. Just as you were swallowing your last bite, Poe placed a hand on your knee. 

"Are you alright?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," you replied quickly.

A beat. "No, I mean actually alright."

You sighed. "I will be," you replied with a small laugh. 

He paused. "What did he do to you?" he asked bluntly. 

All you could do was shake your head and keep your eyes glued to the floor. He squeezed your knee and sighed. "Whatever it is, you can tell me," he whispered. 

You shook your head again, a tear falling onto your lap. "I can't," you breathed. 

You heard his breath hitch. "Did, did he...." he trailed off. You looked up to see him swallowing nervously. "Did he take advantage of you? Touch you?" he asked fearfully.

When you didn't respond immediately, he stood up and began angrily pacing in front of you. "I'm going to kill him. Fucking rip his head off!"

"He didn't take advantage of me," you mumbled. He stopped pacing and looked at you, crossing his arms. Clearly waiting for you to elaborate. 

You felt a hot tear slip down your cheek. "Do you know what Skywalker did to him?"

"Yeah, Han said he was going to kill Kylo," Poe said matter-of-factly. "Where are you going with this?"

"His own uncle, Poe. His teacher considered murdering him, his own family," you continued. 

He shifted his weight, looking even more confused. "So? It would've saved a lot of people's lives," he muttered. 

You shot up, taking a step towards him. "He was just a boy!" you exclaimed. He looked surprised that you were defending Ren.

"He's killed so many people!" he replied incredulously. "He's killed our people. How could you blame Skywalker?"

"Do you know how many people we've killed, Poe? How many soldiers just like Finn that we've murdered?" you snapped. 

His stern expression faltered slightly at the mention of Finn."What did he do to you?" he repeated. "How did he brainwash you so much?"

You scoffed. "He didnt brainwash me," you spat. "I'm not stupid enough to let him trick me."

His expression softened. "Then tell me what happened," he pleaded. "He clearly did something to you in order-"

"He didn't do anything I didn't ask him to do," you blurted, immediately regretting it.

You watched his confused expression melt into a mix of fear and anger as he started to make sense of your words. "And what did you ask him to do?" he said, taking a step closer to you. 

"Don't make me say it," you breathed, more tears spilling from your eyes. 

"Please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying," he muttered. 

"He's not a monster! Do you have any idea what Snoke-"

"Fucking hell," he yelled, rubbing his face with his hands as he started pacing again. "What the fuck were you thinking? He's our enemy, he was your captor, kid!"

The tears were falling freely now as you wrapped your arms around yourself, quiet sobs wracking your body. You knew he'd be angry but it didn't make it any easier, listening to him yell at you. 

"Did you seriously fuck Kylo Ren?" he asked in disbelief. You glared at him with blurry vision. 

"Oh I'm sorry, would you prefer I said made love?" he spat. 

"Ben Solo is still in there, Poe. I saw-"

"You sound as delusional as the General!" he yelled, cutting you off. "That man is a monster and I'm not sure why you're not understanding that."

He stopped talking to catch his breath as you stood there uncomfortably, holding yourself tightly as an endless stream of tears soaked your face. 

"This is why we shouldn't send little girls on important missions," he mumbled. 

The second the words had left his mouth, he grimaced, immediately regretting what he'd said. 

You sharply sucked in a breath. He huffed and took a small step towards you, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Look, kid, I-"

"Get out."

He froze, his mouth still open. "Kid, I'm sorry, I-"

"Leave," you breathed. "Now."

You could see the regret in his face. You knew he felt bad, you knew he didn't mean it. But you were too hurt to be rational or understanding right now. 

Knowing that he'd crossed a line, he turned around and left the room without another word.

The second the door shut behind him, you collapsed onto your bed and let the sobs you'd been stifling shake your entire body as you curled into a ball. 

You didn't know how much time had passed before the tears finally stopped, the sharp pain in your chest fading to a dull ache as your eyelids grew heavy with sleep.

—  
All you could hear was heavy breathing, your eyes filled with a sea of darkness.

The loud breathing drew closer. You could feel it against your neck, warm on your slightly cold skin." _Who's there_?" you asked, your voice sounding faint. 

The source of the breathing didn't respond but you suddenly felt another, different warm sensation on your neck. 

Lips. Soft lips. This person was kissing you. 

" _Who are you_?" You asked, trying to contain the sighs threatening to slip past your lips.

" _You know who I am, Little One_ ," a voice replied. And it wasn't just any voice. It was a voice you'd grown very, very familiar with. 

" _Ky_?" 

Another tender kiss was placed on your neck, right on your pulse. "Mhm," he hummed, making your breath hitch. " _It's just me, Little One. There's no need to worry_."

You knew you should've been scared, should've tried to run away from him. But his words, his smooth, deep voice, and those soft lips on your skin covered you in a blanket of peace, silencing your worry. 

" _How are you here right now_?" 

No response came, but his lips kept pressing soft kisses against you, slowly moving downwards towards your chest. 

His lips found your bare breasts, leaving wet kisses against the tender flesh. You sighed contently, slowly reaching your hand up to find his hair. To your surprise, you felt his wavy locks under your fingers. 

" _Is this a dream_?" you whispered. His lips wrapped around your nipple, making you gasp as you he started sucking gently. 

He chuckled lightly as he continued caressing your skin. " _Does it feel like a dream_?" he responded, removing his lips from around your nipple to kiss down your body. 

It felt too real to be a dream, though you knew it was impossible. You let yourself melt under his warm, intoxicating touch, leaning into the feeling. His tongue and lips slowly trailed down your hips and to your thighs. " _My pretty girl_."

You hummed in response, threading your fingers into his hair and tugging gently. He started peppering kisses on the inside of your thighs, chuckling when you began to squirm. 

Large, rough hands started exploring your body, brushing the skin of your hips and moving up towards your waist. You felt his lips leave your thighs as his hands slid to the swell of your breasts, kissing back up your body. Moments later, his breath was warming your neck again as a hand gently cupped the side of your face.

" _Mine_ ," he murmured. Chills ran up your spine as hie dragged his lips up to your jaw, slowly moving towards your mouth. Finally, his lips found yours.

He tasted sweet. Sickeningly sweet. And you couldn't get enough. 

He pulled away earlier than you would've liked, leaving your lips kiss-swollen, your body silently pleading for more. 

You could still feel his breath on your face when he uttered words that sent shocks of electricity through your body. 

" _You are mine, and I am coming for you_."

-

You shot up, chest heaving wildly with labored breaths. You sat there, legs tangled in your sheets with your blanket crumpled in your lap, trying to calm yourself down. 

It had been a dream, but it felt more real than any dream you'd ever had before. You rubbed your eyes and took a deep breath, your heart still beating out of your chest. 

Just a dream. 

You were still rubbing your tired eyes when you heard Ben's voice again. 

Before, it had been a dream. But now, you were wide awake. So why were you still hearing his voice?

You froze when you suddenly felt a strange sensation surrounding you, coursing through your veins - unnerving and completely unfamiliar. Slowly, you opened your eyes, only to be met with a blank wall in front of you. There was nothing, and more importantly nobody, standing in front of you. Must've been your mind playing tricks on you. 

You were about to lie back down when you thought you saw something out of the corner of your eye. When you turned your head to get a better look, you nearly collapsed in shock.

Standing next to you, just a few steps from your bed, was the man you had just been dreaming about. 

Sheer panic coursed through you and you immediately grabbed the lightsaber sitting on your nightstand, frantically climbing out of bed. 

You stood there, frozen in a mix of shock and confusion as you held eye contact with him. It was silent except for the sound of your labored, erratic breathing. He was the first to speak.

"Can you see my surroundings?" he asked gently. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I can't see yours," he continued, completely ignoring you. "Just you." His voice was slightly distorted but still clear as he spoke. 

"How are you doing this?" you snapped. 

He shook his head. "I'm not," he replied. "And I know you couldn't be." You clenched your jaw, tightening your grip on your lightsaber. "This is something else," he breathed, his voice full of curiosity.

You didn't say anything but just kept standing there, your lightsaber poised and ignited. "You seem nervous," he mused, tilting his head at you. 

"Maybe because the last time you were near me, you were trying to kill me," you hissed. Once you realized that he was unarmed, you extinguished the blade but held it at your side. 

He took a step forward. "You know I wasn't trying to kill you," he murmured. 

You knew he was right. He had just been trying to make you stay, hoping to fight you into submission. 

You leave me no choice. 

You looked away from him, already feeling tears welling in your eyes as you thought of the last few moments on his ship. It sent a painful sting to your heart yet still filled with you with anger. 

"I have nothing to say to you," you mumbled, lying right through your teeth.

"You're upset," he said flatly. 

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. "Well aren't you perceptive," you snapped.

"Why are you upset?" he questioned, seemingly unfazed by your blatant irritation. 

You looked at him, a disgusted and incredulous look on your face. "You know exactly why I'm upset you asshole," you hissed.

"You're upset because of something else, too," he muttered, his eyes searching yours. "What is it?"

You couldn't help the few tears that fell to your cheek as he looked at you. "I'm upset for a lot of reasons," you replied. You tried to sound harsh but your words just sounded pitiful. 

You wiped the tears off your face quickly, not wanting to look even weaker than you already did. 

"You should've stayed," he said suddenly, breaking the silence. 

You stayed quiet as you absorbed his words, letting them imprint on your mind. When you still hadn't replied nearly a minute later, he took another step forward, now only inches from you.

"You don't belong with them," he whispered. 

You looked up at him through wet lashes. At the moment, he was right. You felt completely out of place and a part of you wondered if you'd always feel like this. If maybe, just maybe, he was right and you did belong with him. 

You didn't voice your conflict, instead just shaking your head at him. His jaw clenched and as if a flip switched, any trace of gentleness drained from his expression. 

"It doesn't matter," he spat. "You can't seem to make the right decision yourself, so it looks like I'll have to make it for you," he muttered, his voice low and threatening. "You will be returned to me and this time, I won't let you slip away."

You didn't flinch. Instead, you just smiled at him sadly."How does a person change this quickly?" you asked, changing the subject. He tensed, his jaw firmly set. "From being heartless and cruel to being... kind," you breathed. "And then becoming a complete asshole again. I just don't understand."

He didn't answer your question or offer any explanation. "You should've stayed," he reiterated quietly, his harsh tone softening slightly. 

You watched him as he spoke. "You could've continued training under me, let me provide for you," he continued. "If you had just surrendered to me and realized that you don't belong with those juvenile rebels. I could've given you everything you've been looking for."

"And what is it that I'm I looking for? Since you seem to know me so thoroughly," you snapped. 

He didn't miss a beat. "You want to be valued, viewed as important. You grew up feeling dispensable and insignificant and you're tired of feeling that way. You want to be special in people's eyes."

"It's why you're like me," he added. "It's why you should've stayed."

Your entire body tensed, teeth clenched and jaw set. "Last time I checked, you're one of the reasons I feel so insignificant," you spat. "A nobody, a whore, just the daughter of a filthy gambling addict," you muttered. "That's what you told me I am. And you know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe I am nothing, maybe I am just the whorish daughter of a dead addict. But what I'm not and will never be is weak enough to crawl back to you, even if I have nothing left."

You watched as he absorbed your words, every tear-stained syllable hitting him in the face. A silence fell as the two of you stood there, face to face despite being light years apart. 

He finally spoke, but didn't apologize for his words, didn't take back what he said or admit that he didn't mean it. "You will be returned to me one way or another," he said lowly. "Soon."

You stood up taller and narrowed your eyes. "Why are you so intent on this?" you asked him. "Why bother? Why bother bringing me back?"

He paused briefly. "I thought you'd understand this by now."

" _You're mine_ ," he breathed."And I don't like when my belongings are taken from me."


	15. Sensibility & Sentiment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren is a sneaky bastard

You sat on a large, fallen branch, drinking from your nearly empty water flask. 

From someone else's perspective, it probably seemed like you were just exhausted from training. That was partially true, considering you'd been nonstop training for two weeks, starting hours before and staying hours after your lessons with Luke each day. 

But your exhaustion was caused by more than just physical exertion and a lack of sleep. 

Sighing, you raised the flask to your lips, tilting your head back and drinking the last bit of water left. It was still cold, soothing the burn in your throat and chest.

The silence of the forest was interrupted by the sound of boots and the crunching of leaves. Looking up, you quickly found the source of the noise, his bright orange jumpsuit quite prominent against the greenery. 

It was the last person you'd expected to see walking towards you considering not a word had been exchanged with him since that night in your room. 

Wordlessly, he walked towards the branch you were using as a seat and sat down next to you, releasing a loud sigh as he did. 

He was facing forwards and you stole a glance at him, wondering if you should say anything. He seemed relaxed, much to your surprise, a calm expression on his face as he sat there. 

"How's training going?" he asked suddenly, picking up a twig from the ground and twirling it between his fingers. 

Your eyes widened slightly. You hadn't been expecting him to reach out first, and you especially hadn't been expecting him to ask such a casual question given the situation. 

"Good, actually," you replied, fiddling with the empty flask in your hands.

"Good," he replied, flicking the twig he'd picked up back to the ground. 

He paused for a second, looking up at the tree looming above. "I talked to the General," he murmured, still facing forward. 

You felt to body tense, a surge of dread rising in your chest. Obviously this conversation was coming, but you still weren't exactly excited for it. 

"Oh," you replied lamely."

Poe took a deep breath. "She told me that she delayed your rescue by a couple of weeks," he continued. "She said that she sensed a change in Ren, that he was less violent, something about his energy through the Force or whatever."

"She told me that too," you said. "It's true, you know."

He inhaled deeply. "I'm sure it is true, considering you weren't killed immediately after you were captured." He paused, shaking his head slowly and turning to look at you. "But I don't care what she thinks, if I'm being honest. Every minute he was changing because of you, you were changing because of him."

"Poe, that's-"

"Let me finish." His voice was firm yet still soft, like a father reprimanding his child.

"You couldn't have stayed with him. I don't care what the General thinks, there was no way I could have left you there," he continued, his eyes searching yours. "I made it clear that I'd do anything to get you home."

If you're home, then why doesn't it feel it?

You gave him a weak smile, pausing before you spoke again. "I didn't intend to like my captor, you know," you said quietly. 

He froze for a second."Wait, what?" he asked, his words sounding panicked. 

His eyes widened, his jaw went slack. Your brows pulled together in confusion. "What?" 

His eyes were searching your expression frantically,  
his lips parted. "I thought it was just...physical," he said breathlessly. 

Poe knew more about you than anyone and you entrusted him with information you wouldn't tell anyone else, but discussing your sex life with him was uncharted territory that you did not want to explore. 

You shifted in your seat and cleared your throat, visibly uncomfortable. 

His breath hitched. "You...liked him?"

Well, this is awkward. 

You swallowed thickly, unable to bring yourself to respond. Panic set it on his face, your silence giving him a clear answer to his question. 

"Look at me, kid." He placed a hand on your shoulder, turning you to face him. "It's not your fault what you went through, but you know that liking him isn't right. He's gotten to you, don't you see that?"

You wanted to object, remind him that Kylo didn't brainwash or mind compel you like was inclined to believe. But you were tired. So, so tired. Too exhausted to object. 

Besides, you and Poe were finally, finally acknowledging each other's existence. And you weren't really in the mood to ruin it and start all over again. 

Pick your battles. 

"I know," you replied, nodding as you spoke. 

He released a sigh once you answered, relief rolling off of him. He gave you a pitiful smile, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pulling you towards him. 

You leaned into him, resting your head on his shoulder as his hand stroked your arm. "I just want what's best for you kid. You know that, right?"

"Mmm," you hummed in response.

"Good," he murmured, squeezing your shoulder again. "When I come back, we'll get back to normal, alright?"

You pulled your head off his shoulder and sat up. "Come back?" you asked, raising an eyebrow. "Where are you going? Who was assigned? Why wasn't I assigned?

"Kid, you just got back," he replied. "You need some time to recover and get back to normal."

You didn't know if things would ever be normal again. Two whole weeks had come and gone since you'd returned to base and yet every time you closed your eyes, all you could see was Kylo standing in that hangar, trying to mask the pain in his expression.

You sighed in defeat and crossed your arms over your chest. "So what's the assignment anyways?"

He grimaced slightly, awkwardly clearing his throat before answering. "We got a tip about some guy on Batuu that has intel on the armories."

You felt a blush creep into your cheeks, painting them bright red. "You mean the information that I was supposed to get?"

He sighed. "It wasn't an easy assignment, don't be so-

"I know, I know, don't be so hard on yourself," you grumbled, raising your hands in mock surrender.

He stood up and extended his hand to you with a smile. You placed your hand in his and let him pull you to your feet, begrudgingly smiling back at him. 

Once you were standing, he slung an arm around you and used his free hand to ruffle your hair, making you swat his arm and whine. 

"So, want to get some food before I leave?"

——

Poe had left nearly four hours ago, giving you a tight hug and promising to pick up some tea for you at Black Spire Outpost before he headed towards the hangar. 

You should've been happy. You should've felt relieved. Poe had apologized for how he dealt with the situation and for the things he'd said and the two of you were now back on speaking terms, the first step towards getting back to normal.

But as you sat on your bed, mindlessly reading a book, you didn't feel happy and you certainly didn't feel relieved.

You just felt torn, like you were being split apart. An endless battle between sensibility and sentiment. 

You threw your book to the side, standing up and pacing around your room. You knew that Poe was right, you knew that you couldn't have feelings for Kylo Ren. But it wasn't like you could just make yourself stop feeling for him. If that was possible, you probably would.

It'd sure save you a lot of heartache. 

Sighing, you stopped pacing and ran a hand through your hair. It was no mystery why you were so exhausted - your mind wouldn't stop reeling and your thoughts wouldn't stop racing. 

You were about to head towards the door, deciding you needed a cup of tea if you wanted any chance of falling asleep later, but stopped when you felt an increasingly familiar tingling running up your spine. 

It hadn't happened in two weeks. There hadn't been another incident since that night. 

You're mine. And I don't like my belongings are taken from me. 

The strange sensation grew stronger and you knew it was only a matter of seconds.

3...2...1

"Ah, look who it is."

Dammit.

It's a bit hard to try and get over someone when he quite literally just kept appearing. 

"I'd rather not do this right now," you snapped. 

"Well it's not like either of us can control when this happens," he replied, voice modified by his mask. "Besides, I'm sure I wasn't interrupting anything important. 

You spun around to face him, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed. "Actually, I was," you spat. "I was planning on embracing my whorish reputation, just like you said, and go fuck the first guy I can find."

Even though his face was concealed, the sound of his breath hitching made it clear that he hadn't found that very amusing. 

A devilish smile crept across your face. "You know, that way I won't have to trade my morals in exchange for my pleasure," you sneered, repeating these phrase he'd said to you in the hangar. 

He tilted his head at you, cautiously taking a step forward. "You're in quite the mood today," he mused. "But I'll let it slide, seeing as I have more important things to talk to you about."

You rolled your eyes. "And what would that be?"

"The reason you were trespassing on my ship."

You paused, confused as to why he was revisiting this topic. It's not like it mattered anymore. "If you haven't figured it out by now, then you should  
probably just move on," you replied.

He laughed darkly from underneath his mask. "Oh I figured it out, little one," he replied cooly. 

You swallowed thickly, panic rising in your throat. "Took you long enough," you weakly mumbled, trying to maintain your bravado and failing. 

"Oh don't be so hard on yourself," he said, his voice sickeningly sweet. "You didn't fail nearly as a certain pilot will."

You froze, panic seizing your body.

Poe.

"What are you talking about?"

He laughed again, sending chills up your spine. "In your case, the information was actually where you were looking," he continued. 

"What are you-"

"Did you actually think there was some spy on Batuu with my intel?"

A pained sigh slipped through your lips and your jaw went slack, eyes widening in horror. 

It was all a trick. No, no, no-

You felt sick to your stomach. You stumbled backwards, shaking your head slowly as you looked at him. 

This was punishment. A cruel, cruel punishment, using the person he knew you cared about to hurt you. You'd been a fool to think you'd change him in the slightest. He was the same monster you'd always thought he was. 

Without another word, you turned around and ran from your room. You felt like all the air had left your lungs, only leaving a residual burning in your chest. Poe and the rest of the team assigned, your friends, were all in danger and it was all your fault. If you'd stayed with him, this wouldn't be happened. If you'd never even gotten caught in the first place, Poe would here, safe and sound. 

You sprinted through the hallways, nearly toppling the few people you passed, ignoring the puzzled looks you were given. When you finally reached the General, you nearly knocked her over too.

"You have to pull the division out! The tip was false, there's no-"

You stopped when you saw the pained expression on her face, heaviness mounting in the air. 

"No, no, please tell me..." you trailed off, trying to catch your breath. 

The General shook her head slowly. "The rest of the division is on their way back. But Poe..."

You felt sobs swelling in your throat, tears stinging your eyes. He was captured and it was all your fault. If you'd hadn't gotten captured that day, he wouldn't have been captured now. 

"I'm going," you announced, trying to set your panic and guilt aside. "I'll keep a line of communication open."

"It's not-"

"With all due respect General, I'm not going to sit here while my best friend is being held prisoner," you snapped. 

"He won't get as lucky as I did," you added. "If he's even still alive."

You felt a fresh wave of nausea crash over you as you spoke, the reality of the situation hitting you like a ton of bricks. 

She paused, taking a deep breath. "You're going after him whether I give you permission or not, aren't you?" 

You took a deep breath. "I'd rather not go without your permission, but yes, I'm going whether I'm given clearance or not," you replied. 

She nodded curtly and took a step forward, and much to your surprise, wrapped her arms around you. "Take the Falcon," she whispered against you, gently placing a hand on the back of your head, holding you there a bit longer. 

"And may the Force be with you."


	16. Welcome Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is a simp. Kinda obsessive but hey, he’s hot.

It was no longer just desire. It was need. 

And it became quite clear to him that there was no chance of him regaining control of his life again until he had her back.

He probably could've just sent a squadron of 'troopers to retrieve the pilot, but he needed to make absolutely certain that this task went off without a hitch. So, out of extra precaution, he sent two of his Knights. 

Like he'd expected, his Knights had no issue taking the pilot, having the man in their custody before the rest of the Resistance division even realized what was happening. 

His boots pounded against the durasteel floors as he headed towards the interrogation chamber. Like always, all he could think about was her. 

This wasn't about the pilot, as much as he despised him. No, it was only about her. About bringing her back where she belongs. 

He turned the corner, cloak fluttering behind him, and stalked down the long hallway towards the room being guarded by two Stormtroopers. They saluted him out of respect as he brushed past them, walking straight through the blast doors. 

He remembered the first time he had walked into this exact room to find her restrained in the center, stripped of her stolen First Order uniform, unconscious under his spell. But unfortunately, she wasn't the one currently occupying this room. 

Kylo came to stand in front of the man, staring down at him from beneath his mask. The pilot looked up at him, a mixture of hatred and fear on his face as he waited for Kylo to speak.

The man raised an eyebrow. "So who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?" 

Kylo didn't respond. Instead, he shoved his hand just a fraction away the pilot's face and tore into his mind with ease. 

Images flooded his mind. Of her, before she walked into his life. Her and Poe, laughing and talking. Training at their base on D'Qar, fighting side by side. That day when she turned away from Kylo and ran towards the Resistance ship, leaving Kylo standing in the hangar. The engine whirring to life as he flew away with her and the traitor on board. 

Kylo ripped his hand away from his captive's face, the image of her leaving making his heart shatter and his blood boil. 

Poe lurched forward, gasping for air, hair matted to his forehead with sweat. He looked up at Kylo through watery eyes, his chin trembling. "You stole her," he seethed. "But I brought her home, where she belongs."

Kylo took a step forward, peering down at the pilot and resisting every urge to just finish him off. "She belongs with me," he spat, not a single doubt in his mind. "It's what's best for her."

He narrowed his eyes at Kylo. "What's best for her is to be with us, with the Resistance and as far away from you as-"

Kylo's fist hit his jaw with a sickening thud. His head snapped to the side from the impact, hitting the metal bar behind him. 

He cried out, drops of blood dripping from his lips, staining his chin. Despite the pain, he looked back at Kylo through watery eyes. "She'll never forgive you if you kill me," he breathed. "She'll never even look at you if you kill someone she loves."

Kylo's breath hitched slightly. Anger filled his chest, tinged with jealousy. 

This damned pilot got to be cared for by her. Loved by her. 

Lucky bastard.

Kylo clenched his fists and took a step back from him, rolling his shoulders in an attempt to release  
some anger. "I won't be killing you," he said flatly. "You need to be alive in order for her to come for you."

He watched the man's face fall, an anxious expression spreading across his face. "So you're going to trick her? Use me as bait?"

A beat. "Not trick, just encourage."

Poe clenched his jaw. "Why? Why are you doing this to her?"

Kylo paused. There was no way that he was going to tell the pilot how strongly he felt for her. How he would stop at nothing to bring her back, give anything for her to want him as much as he wanted her.

"That's none of your business," Kylo replied. 

Poe scoffed. "It is my business. That girl is my best friend, the girl you took. She belongs with me and with the other people that care about her."

If he only knew just how much he cared for that girl. 

Kylo's patience dried up, quickly growing tired of speaking to the man. He placed his hand in front of Poe's face and stole his prisoner's consciousness  
before fleeing the room. 

——

He could sense her this time, the anger and adrenaline rolling off of her in waves.

Before, she had been focused on remaining calm, keeping a convincing facade as she infiltrated enemy territory. But now, she didn't care who saw her or who questioned her presence. 

He left his quarters and walked towards the interrogation room where the pilot was. An almost nervous feeling overcame him at the thought of seeing her again. And knowing how angry she was going to be.

But anger was something he knew quite well. He lived with it every day and every night. He could work with anger. 

Stormtroopers were standing outside of the cell just as he instructed. "Sir, there's a security breach in the-"

"I'm aware," he replied cooly, waving a hand to dismiss them. "Let her through."

The two men hesitated, awkwardly readjusting the grip on their blasters, glancing at each other nervously.

"You are dismissed."

The two men gave Kylo rushed salutes out of respect before hurriedly walking away from the interrogation room. 

The pilot was still asleep when he walked through the doors and into the room, though the man seemed to be teetering on the edge of consciousness. 

She was drawing closer. Kylo could sense her energy growing stronger, her presence quickly overtaking his senses as she approached. His body practically vibrating at the thought of seeing her. 

It was reckless on her part, matching into a heavily armed enemy ship, but it did speak to her sense of loyalty and courage. An admittedly flawed plan to charge through the ship without any backup, but an impressive feat nonetheless. 

Before he knew it, he heard muffled voices just outside the door.

"Shut it General Fucks," he heard her yell, making him stifle a chuckle in his helmet.

That's definitely her.

Clearly, she hadn't had much issue getting past the 'troopers and gaining the upper hand with Hux. Not that he was very surprised. 

A second later, the door shot open and she walked in just as he heard a grunt from Hux followed by a loud thud. Presumably the sound of a body crumpling against durasteel. 

He remained in the shadowy corner as she entered the room. That beautiful, sometimes wild hair of hers tied back, her locks swinging behind her, giving him a perfect view of her face. She'd clearly been outside a lot, her complexion now a few shades darker. 

She was a true fighter, a skilled soldier, and yet she still managed to look so feminine, so pretty. Effortlessly, bewitchingly beautiful.

He heard her breath hitch when she saw the pilot restrained the middle of the room. She shoved her blaster into her waistband and quickly rushed towards him. Frantically, she undid his restraints before flinging her arms around him, her hands clutching at his jacket. 

The impact of her arms around him woke the man up, brief confusion flashing across his face until he realized whose arms were smothering him.

"Kid, you're here," he breathed, his voice rough. 

She pulled back, still holding onto his shoulders. "Are you hurt? Are you alright?" she asked frantically. 

Kylo couldn't help the jealousy brewing in his chest as he watched the encounter.

Should've just killed him. 

No, no, Poe was right - that would've made her hate him. Besides, he needed the pilot alive to use him as a bargaining chip. 

"No, no I'm fine," he assured her, clearly forgetting his insanely swollen jaw and bloodstained lips. 

She pulled him into a hug again, the man wrapping his newly freed arms around her. Kylo took a small step forward, allowing for the edges of his robes to be visible. The man noticed the small movement over her shoulder, his eyes widening as he realized the two of them weren't alone.

"Shit we've got company," he muttered, untangling his arms from around her and standing up.

She turned around to face him. His heart immediately started beating faster when her eyes locked on his visor. It'd been far too long since he'd seen those precious little eyes.

Her eyes were somehow still precious despite the furious glare she was giving him. In a sick way, the visible anger on her face made him want to throw her on a bed and climb on top of her. Let her take out all that anger on him. 

Now is not the time.

He was brought out of his little fantasy when she stomped towards him, practically buzzing with anger. 

"You fucking asshole! Kidnapping my best friend? What the-"

"Nice to see you too, little one," he quipped, interrupting her rampage. 

She faltered slightly before fully closing the gap between them and shoving his chest. Of course, he didn't budge, but he admired the effort. "Don't give me that shit," she hissed. "You took him from me."

"Simply a casualty of war," he replied, just making her angrier. 

"Yeah fucking right! You intentionally captured him you dick!" she yelled. "An entire division and you just so happen to only take him? Do you really expect me to believe that shit?"

He glanced over to the pilot, noticing how utterly terrified he looked. He clearly didn't realize that his little friend had such nerve to speak to Kylo Ren like this. 

He didn't say anything as she shoved him again, keeping her forearm pressed against his chest. She searched his mask, fury dancing in her eyes. "You've crossed a line, Ren."

She removed her arm from his chest with a shove, stepping back towards the pilot. 

She grabbed his wrist, tugging him forward. "We're leaving," she spat. 

"We?" Kylo questioned, taking a step forward. 

Her brows pulled together in confusion. "Yes, we. Is that stupid helmet obstructing your hearing?"

Gods she was a handful. 

"He used me as bait," the man muttered, venom laced in his words. 

She snapped her head to look at him. "What?"

A beat. "Only one of you is leaving," Kylo replied.

Her confusion melted into anger, hatred, as she looked at him. "Absolutely not," she seethed. "We are leaving, even if I have to kill every person on this fucking ship."

A deep laugh rattled in his chest. Without moving his lips, he summoned two of his Knights into the room. As the masked men entered, weapons at their sides, her eye's widened, her entire body tensing in fear. 

The two men stood shoulder to shoulder, an impenetrable wall between the two Resistance fighters and the exit. She'd never seen his Knights before, and the unease in her expression made that clear.

"It's impressive how skilled you've gotten, given such little training," he said. "But you aren't nearly skilled enough to get through my Knights."

She swallowed thickly, reality setting in. She turned her head towards the pilot, a solemn look in her eye. He realized what her expression was insinuating. "Oh hell no, I am not leaving you here with him again!"

"This isn't up for debate," she said firmly. 

He protested again with more urgency. "No! I just got you back kid!"

Kylo was growing tired of this nauseatingly sweet exchange, jealousy burning hotter in his chest. "As much as I'd love to continue this conversation, I'm going to need you to make a decision before I make it for you."

Her head snapped towards him, eyes narrowed. "Cut the shit," she spat. "You had already made the decision before I even got here."

She was right, and both of them knew it. 

"You will let me watch him leave and you will let him board my ship and get the hell away from here completely unharmed, without being followed," she demanded. "If a hair on his head is harmed, I will burn this ship to the fucking ground."

If anyone else had spoken to him like this, they'd be relieved of the head on their shoulders. But she wasn't just anyone.

And she knew it. The little brat knew she had him wrapped around her finger.

Kylo nodded curtly. She gave the pilot a pained smile and quickly squeezed his hand before the two Knights seized him, leading him to the exit. 

She took a step to follow after that, per her agreement with Kylo to let her watch the pilot leave. Before she could though, Kylo stepped in front of her, blocking her path. 

"Welcome back, Little One."


	17. Supposed to Hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo likes you, but he doesn’t like being out of control. Let’s see how this goes.
> 
> Also, we have a little cathartic breakdown. It’s necessary though.

_You'll fight this war from the outside, I'll fight it from the inside._

Those were the last words you'd whispered to Poe as you held him tightly, right before he left and you became a prisoner again. 

Fighting a war alone, without an army, without even a fragment of a battle plan. 

And you were fighting an enemy that you didn't actually hate. 

You wanted to hate him. You really, really wanted to hate the man. He deserved it, after all. He deserved it one hundred times over.

But you didn't truly hate him. You surely hated the things he did, but you still couldn't hate him. You just couldn't. 

Not after you'd seen the man he really is. The kind of man that carries his prisoner to the medical wing after she almost drowned. Braids her hair while she was asleep. Still feels raw pain when he thinks about his uncle's utter betrayal.

That certainly didn't mean that you weren't absolutely, completely enraged with Kylo.

But it meant that no matter how much you tried and how badly you wanted to, you just couldn't bring yourself to truly hate him. 

You mindlessly flipped the page of the book you were reading. It'd been two full days since you'd seen Kylo. Since you'd resumed your status as his prisoner. 

A small part of you wanted to just talk with him, ask him what the hell he intended to do now. But the overwhelming part of you wanted to scream at him until your throat was raw and your voice was gone. 

But you hadn't gotten the opportunity to do either of those. After Poe was gone, Kylo had his Knights escort you to the room you'd occupied before, not saying another word to you. Most likely letting you cool off before he came to you. 

He gave you something to keep you busy, however. After his Knights had brought you to the room and left you there, you saw a stack of nearly a dozen books on your nightstand.

The book you were flipping through now, something of an adventure novel, was the third one in the stack. At this rate, you'd need a lot more books.

Besides the books, you noticed some other things he provided for you. Nice smelling shampoo and conditioner, scented body wash, fresh clothes. He was making you comfortable here, stocking the room as if you were a hotel guest rather than a prisoner.

And it made you even angrier.

If this asshole thought he could bribe you, buy his way into your goods graces, he had another thing coming. 

The sound of blast doors opening caught your attention, followed by the sound of heavy boots entering the room. 

You were lying on your side, facing the wall, and therefore unable to see who was entering. But if it was like any other time, you knew that it was a Stormtrooper delivering a meal to you. 

Your meal from the previous day was still on your nightstand, practically untouched. You ate a little bit of the food, enough to keep your stomach from growling, but you didn't have enough of an appetite to eat more than the bare minimum. 

You heard a deep, very familiar voice. "You need to eat, Little One."

You froze, your hand dangling above the page you were about to turn. Apparently, the person in charge of delivering your food today was not a Stormtrooper. 

"Thank you for the suggestion, I'll keep that in mind," you mumbled, refusing to face him.

He didn't respond but it was clear that he was still standing there. You could practically feel his eyes on you. 

You knew Kylo too well to think that he would just leave, so you begrudgingly sat up and turned around to face him, placing the book back on the nightstand. 

"What do you want?"

He was standing in front of you, an amused expression on his face."To talk to you," he replied. 

"I have nothing to say to you," you spat. 

"Stop pretending like you hate me," he murmured. "There are much better ways we could be spending our time."

"Pretending?" you scoffed, standing up. "I'm not pretending, asshole. I do hate you."

He took a step forward, impossibly close to you, much to your chagrin. "You do?"

You shifted your weight to your other foot, crossing your arms over your chest. "Yes."

His eyes searched yours intently, your confidence decreasing with every second. "You don't hate me," he objected. "You're just angry."

You laughed dryly. "Of course I'm fucking angry! What else did you expect? I mean, seriously, you-"

Before you could finish berating him, he grabbed your face with both of his hands and kissed you. 

And you kissed him back. 

You knew you shouldn't have, and your anger towards him surely hadn't subsided, but the feeling of his lips on yours drowned out all logic, his grasp on your face pushing aside your grasp on reality. 

The kiss was sweet, tender, and yet there was an undeniable hunger on his part, his lips moving against yours without restraint. 

You tensed when he swiped his tongue across your bottom lip, hesitation and conflict flooding your senses. But before you could pull away, something else happened that rendered you completely unable to stop yourself from kissing him back. 

Images flooded your mind. Kylo's large hands caressing your body, lips brushing your neck, fingers threaded through your hair. His hair hanging down around his face while he hovers above you, fucking you and moaning your name. 

The sound of him groaning against your lips brought you out of your trance. You pushed him away and stared at him with a look that could fucking kill.

"Fuck you," you spat, wiping the back of your hand across your lips. "I'm not going to just ignore everything that's happened. You can't try and make me just forget everything!"

Your chest was heaving with labored breaths, your entire body rigid with anger towards him and anger towards yourself for giving in so easily to your desires. 

When did you become this weak, so easily tempted?

He seemed completely unfazed by your words, a smug expression on his face as he took a step forward. He picked up a piece of your hair, twirling it between his fingers. 

"You can't fool me," he murmured, eyes locked on yours. "I know what you want, and you know I can give it to you."

You clenched your jaw, peering up at him through narrowed eyes. "The only thing I want is for you to get the fuck away from me."

He tilted his head, a smirk tugging at his lips. "You   
and I both know that's not true."

You sharply inhaled when he brought his hand to your waist, wanting to shove him away but unable to bring yourself to do it. 

He trailed it upwards until he reached your breast, covering it entirely with his large hand. Your eyes fluttered closed as he started gently massaging you, holding back a quiet moan that threatened to slip past your lips.

He leaned down, bringing his lips next to you ear. "Give in, Little One," he cooed. "Give in to me and let me make you feel good."

His words broke your trance. You placed your hands on his chest and shoved him away again, managing to find your self-control and dignity amidst the temptation. 

"I will never give in to you," you hissed through clenched teeth. 

The sting of rejection was evident in his expression, but you sensed an underlying disappointment in him. 

"I was stupid enough to trust you once, to let myself be vulnerable around you," you continued, your voice shaking with anger. "I won't make that mistake twice."

"We'll see."

—

You paced up and down your room. You hated to admit it, but Kylo's visit had left you practically aching. 

Fucking asshole. 

You were angry, so angry, and you wanted to take it out on him. But at the same time, you desperately wanted relief from the ache between your legs. 

Well, maybe you could do both. 

There was a flurry of emotion around you, filling the room. 

Anger, hatred, desire. Conflict. 

You didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his little stunt hours earlier had left you completely hot and bothered, but the temptation was growing more overwhelming with each passing minute. 

Fuck it. 

You left your room and made the short trip to Kylo's quarters, banging your fist on his door. Within seconds, the smug asshole opened the door, the look on his face suggesting that he'd been expecting your arrival. 

"Well this is-"

"Shut up."

You walked into the room, roughly slamming the door behind you. Kylo didn't have time to react before you were clutching his shirt in your hands and pulling him towards you.

You channeled all of your anger and frustration and lust into kissing him, as if you were punishing him with your lips. 

Kylo sharply inhaled against you when your hand reached to his crotch and started rubbing him, his cock swelling in his pants. 

You pulled away, panting and eagerly reaching for his zipper. He looked at you through hooded eyes, groaning lowly as your hands found his growing length, tugging and squeezing at him.

He watched you intently as you stepped back, working to remove your own pants and discard your shirt. Just as you were reaching behind your back to unclasp your bra, you noticed that Kylo was just standing there, shirt still on and pants unzipped. 

You paused, raising a brow at him. "Are you waiting for a formal invitation? Take off your clothes."

His lips twitched into a smirk, taking a small step forward. "You seem to be in a hurry, Little One," he murmured. "What's the rush?"

You narrowed your eyes at him. "I'd suggest you take your clothes off before I change my mind."

Slowly, he pulled his shirt off while you scrambled to remove your bra and panties. The quicker you got undressed, the quicker you could find some relief and then go back to pretending you hated Kylo. 

You didn't bother to wait for him to remove his pants. The second you were undressed, you pressed yourself against him and kissed him.

"Bed," you mumbled against him.

He grabbed your hips and started stumbling backwards, his lips never leaving yours. Once he was seated on the bed, you climbed on top of his lap, straddling his legs. 

He pulled away, sliding his hand to your face and clasping your jaw. "Why so desperate?"

You scoffed. "You act like you're not desperate too, Supreme Leader."

He didn't deny it. 

You rolled your hips against him, grinding your exposed cunt against the bulge in his pants. He groaned and reached his hand in between your bodies, shoving the fabric of his pants aside and gripping his cock. 

He ran his tip up and down your wet folds, making you twitch when his cock touched your clit. He tugged at his length before pressing the head of his cock into your hole, a deep moan tearing from his throat. You gasped as he slowly pushed his entire length into you. 

You gave yourself time to adjust, eyes squeezed shut as you felt yourself stretching around him. You'd almost forgotten what it felt like to have him inside of you, your cunt having to accommodate his size. 

You pushed Kylo onto his back, your hands on his chest as you started grinding on top of him. A low,  
deep growl emanated from him as you slowly lifted up and down on his cock, feeling the way his cock completely filled you up. 

His hands held your hips roughly, his fingers digging into your skin. That was indication enough that he needed this just as much as you did. 

Your pace increased with each roll of your hips, nails biting at his chest. The fact that you were in control for once just added to your pleasure.

You nearly forgot that you were still angry with him. Until he opened his mouth, of course.

"Let me on top," he groaned, eyes fluttering shut. 

"Yeah, no."

"Please."

"Shut up."

He was growing impatient. And he wasn't that type of person to not get his way. So when his hands crept up to the smallest part of your waist, you already knew what he was intending to do.

But before he could flip you over, your flicked your wrist and pinned his hands above his head.

His eyes widened, clearly startled. Guess he shouldn't have underestimated your ability. 

You looked down at him, satisfied with his frustration. Grinding against him harder, you started focusing on your own release, not bothering to pay attention to Kylo's impatience. 

But he seemed to be a bit less frustrated as you roughly lowered yourself down, taking him deeper and harder. Deep groans tore from his chest, slipping past his parted lips. 

The pressure between your legs was already building. Pulling one hand off of Kylo's chest, you brought it to your cunt, drawing rapid circles on your swollen clit. 

You didn't have enough concentration to keep Kylo's hands pinned, which allowed him to push your hand away, his thumb finding your clit.

"Oh fuck," you breathed, eyes screwing shut. 

He was still an asshole but fuck, the man seriously knew how to make you fall apart. 

Your whimpers and moans grew louder, more frequent, your body buzzing with pleasure. 

Kylo pulled his hand away from your clit, but the feeling of his thumb was quickly replaced by a different sensation. 

The Force twirled around your clit, circling and flicking it as Kylo grabbed your hips again, holding you in place so he could slam into you.

You cried out and hunched forward, hair falling into your face. "I want you to cum for me," he rasped. 

He drilled into you, manipulating the Force to work your clit even faster, immediately bringing you right to the edge. Legs beginning to shake, cunt repeatedly clenching around Kylo, clit pulsating under his touch. Completely unraveling on top of him. 

"Cum for me, pretty girl," he murmured. "Cum on my cock."

Your head snapped back, broken cries tumbling from your lips as you came all over him, not even able to moan properly as he fucked you through your orgasm. 

He kept sliding his cock in and out of your slick, swollen cunt as you rode out your orgasm, trying to catch your breath. 

Once you seemed to regain your composure, he started thrusting into you quicker, no doubt trying to chase his own release.

But you had other ideas.

You flicked your wrist and pinned his hands above his head again. This time, able to concentrate enough to keep his arms restrained. 

"You really think you deserve to cum in me Ren?" you scoffed, pulling yourself off of him. 

He looked up at you, his jaw slack. You moved down to straddle his legs and grabbed his throbbing cock in your hand, squeezing and tugging slightly. He groaned and closed his eyes, his face crumpling in pleasure. 

"Open your eyes," you ordered, glaring at him as you pumped his cock in your fist. "You don't even deserve to cum, do you?" 

He swallowed thickly, trying to conceal his moans as he watched your hand work his cock that was covered in your fluids. You squeezed him harder, narrowing your eyes at him. "I said," you hissed, "do you think you deserve to cum?"

You tugged at his length, collecting the pre-cum on his tip with your thumb. "No," he croaked. 

You started pumping him faster, watching as his hips jerked and his entire body tensed. "Tell me you're sorry," you spat. His eyes widened, your words cutting through the fog of pleasure. "Tell me you're sorry," you repeated. 

His cock twitched in your hand. He was close, but there was no way you were letting him cum until he listened. You slowed your movements until he answered, reminding him that he was at your mercy right now.

"I'm sorry," he choked. His chest was rising quickly, low moans tumbling from his lips. 

"Again," you ordered. 

"I'm sorry," he breathed, his head falling back.

You squeezed him again. "Fucking look at me," you ordered through clenched teeth. 

He reluctantly did, his body buzzing with ache for release. "Again," you demanded. "And louder."

"I'm sorry," he panted, eyes locked on yours. He was seconds away and you knew it.

"Say it like you actually fucking mean it!" you yelled, your hand working him furiously. 

"I'm sorry!" he cried.

The second you saw the white, warm liquid pouring from his tip, you pulled your hand away, letting his twitching cock fall against him. His cum shot onto his stomach, a loud, disappointed groan tearing from his throat at his ruined orgasm. 

You laughed dryly before walking to the bathroom to clean yourself up, releasing your Force hold on his wrists. When you finished and walked back into the room, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, cleaning up the mess on his stomach. 

Wordlessly, you walked over to where your clothes were and started to redress yourself. You had just finished pulling on your pants when he spoke up. 

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at you. 

You lifted your eyes to look at him. "Getting dressed so I don't have to walk back to my cell completely naked."

"It's not your cell, it's your room." 

You ignored him and continued getting dressed, clasping your bra and picking your shirt up. 

"Stay."

You looked up at him again. "And why would I do that? Stay here, let myself feel safe with you. Fall asleep in your arms like an idiot."

"Why-"

"If I let myself be that weak, that stupid again, I'll be the one that gets hurts," you continued, your voice growing louder and your tone sharper. "I'll get hurt, and you'll be fine, just like last time."

He stood up and took a large stride towards you, closing the gap.

"Fine?" he hissed, his eyes dark and narrow. "Do you have any idea the hell I've been through?"

"Do you have any idea the hell I've been through?" you spat. "Ever since you decided to keep me here. When you decided to keep me as some plaything, a source of entertainment instead of just getting rid of me."

He didn't say anything. 

You laughed humorlessly, crossing your arms over your chest. "I went from being a prisoner, to still being a prisoner but trading my cell for your bed," you said through clenched teeth. "I had to deal with that guilt, the inability to rectify my attraction to you just to have you throw that right back in my face. I debauched myself and for what? Temporary pleasure and misleading peace for an overwhelming amount of pain, all because of you."

By the time you'd stopped speaking, you could feel the tears slipping down your cheek. You were losing control, the weight of everything crashing down, the dam holding everything back cracking.

You held your head in your hands, fingers threading through your hair. "I didn't want any of this," you continued, practically yelling through choked sobs. "I didn't want this fucking Force ability, I didn't want to be thrown into the middle of this war, I didn't want to fucking care for you!"

You felt your knees buckle, collapsing in exhaustion, and strong arms catching your waist. Weakly, you tried to push him away, not wanting to let yourself feel safe with him. 

But it only made him hold you tighter. 

So you gave in, letting vicious sobs rack your body, being held in the arm's of a man you were supposed to hate.


	18. A Little Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is glad his girl is back, so he’s taking a little trip.

She didn't move all night. Sleeping soundly in his bed, curled up in a little ball, sheets clutched in her delicate hands.

It wasn't exactly how he'd pictured it. He'd definitely imagined her falling asleep in his bed, utterly exhausted. But he'd expected her to be exhausted from him fucking her all night long rather than a heart wrenching breakdown. 

He'd held her as sobs shook her delicate little frame, face drenched with tears, chest heaving with labored, erratic breaths. 

He didn't know how long he had sat on the floor with her in his arms, cradling her. But eventually, she went quiet, her teary eyes closing.

She was his strong little fighter, tough to the point of obstinance. But the stronger they are, the harder they fall. 

He hadn't really understood what she meant when she told him that she could feel his emotions. That night when she'd somehow invaded his mind and seen the memories that kept him up at night. When she'd come to understand why he is the way he is.

But now he understood it.

At first, he'd assumed she meant it more figuratively. Emphasizing her compassion, trying to assure him that she understood. But no. She meant she could actually feel his emotions. 

As she sank to the floor, weakly trying to push him away, he felt a surge of pain grip his chest. Waves of anguish crashing down on him, drenched by every last drop of her hurt as if those feelings belonged to him. 

He didn't know how he could feel her emotions, and he certainly didn't know why. But he did know for certain that his girl was hurting. 

He felt guilty. And things have to be really, really bad in order to make Kylo Ren feel even the slightest bit guilty. 

If she let him, he could make it up to her. He wasn't sure exactly how to make it up to her just yet, but he would over time. He could make all the pain nothing but a distant memory. 

But first, he needed to know exactly what had happened while she was away from him. He needed to know what was causing her pain. Well, what else was causing her hurt besides him. 

He shouldn't have, but while she slept, he brought his hand to her temple and sifted through her mind in search of answers. 

Images swarmed his mind. Her training with Skywalker, an impassioned and pained argument with the pilot, the Stormtrooper that fled with her. 

Traitor. 

He was definitely still absolutely enraged about that, but the filthy traitor was not his main priority right now. 

A certain cluster of images had piqued his interest more than the rest, showing him something much more important than insubordination among his troops. 

I didn't intend to like my captor, you know.

Kylo's heart had nearly beat out of his chest. She'd confessed to the pilot that she felt for her captor. That she liked him despite her best intentions not to. 

He hadn't intended to feel for her either. And yet here he was, riddled with more feelings for her than he could process. 

Originally, she was supposed to just be his plaything, his source of amusement. He had intended to keep her as a source of pleasure for himself while simultaneously depriving the Resistance of their resident Force user. 

But somewhere down the line, affection for the girl had tainted his plan for her. He found himself truly caring for her, wanting her in more than one way. 

He'd resisted his feelings at first, refusing to admit that he might feel for his enemy and prisoner. Insisting that it was just a physical attraction, years of going with out the touch of another finally catching up with him.

And he'd made an impressive effort to resist those feelings, but those days of reluctance were long gone. In fact, it felt like an entire lifetime ago. 

He liked her. Truly, deeply cared for her. 

And there was no going back. 

He looked over at her, watching the sheets rise and fall with each breath she took. She was still tightly bundled in the sheets, still asleep, but he could sense her slowly awakening, her consciousness gradually surfacing from the depths of a much needed sleep. 

He walked into his kitchen area. She hadn't been eating much, the same way she hadn't been sleeping either. That needed to change. 

He filled a kettle with water and placed it on the stove before piling as much fruit onto a plate as he could fit, adding a couple of muffins that he knew she liked too. 

When he turned around to face the bed, she was rolled over onto her side, facing him and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

He walked towards her, plate in hand. "Good morning, Little One," he chirped, setting the plate down in front of her.

"I'm not hungry," she mumbled, pressing her face into the bed. 

At the same time, her stomach growled. 

"Are you sure about that?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's food that I know you like so you might as well eat it."

Begrudgingly, she sat up. Hair all over the place, marks from the pillow creases on her cheeks, puffy eyes, practically drowning in his shirt that he'd put her in. 

Adorable.

She frowned at him. "What are you looking at?"

He tilted his head at her. "Oh nothing," he replied. "Just admiring how lovely you look."

He was being sarcastic, obviously, but he partially meant it. She really did look precious. 

"Shut up," she spat, shooting him another glare. 

She reached for the plate and picked up a piece of fruit, plopping into her mouth. He saw the corners of her mouth twitch, clearly enjoying the sweetness. 

He grinned. "See? I told you."

She rolled her eyes. "Fuck off."

Well, it certainly seemed like she was back to her normal self. 

"Watch that mouth," he reprimanded, eliciting another roll of her eyes. "And no, I will not fuck off, seeing as you're in my room."

"Fine."

He heard the hum of boiling water behind him, indicating that the tea kettle would emit a sharp whistle at any moment. 

And just like that, the room was filled with a high-pitched, shrill sound. 

She groaned, covering her ears. "That's so fucking loud," she grumbled, her voice still thick with sleep.

With a light chuckle, he stood up and walked towards the kitchen, pulling the kettle from the stove and reaching for a mug. 

When he'd probed her mind as she slept, he'd seen images of the pilot promising to bring her tea from back from Batuu. The pilot never got the chance. But Kylo on the other hand had a large stockpile of various teas sourced from Batuu. A complete coincidence, of course. 

He walked back towards her, steaming mug in hand. He'd even added a bit of honey for her. "Here," he said softly as he pushed the mug into her hands.

She smiled a bit as the smell wafted in front of her. "Is this chamomile?" 

He nodded, the corner of his lip lifting into half of a smile. "Lavender chamomile."

She hummed quietly and brought the rim of the mug to her lips, taking a small sip. "This is good," she mumbled quietly. "Thank you."

He felt his heart flutter a bit. "You're welcome, I'm glad you like it."

She continued picking at the plate he had prepared for her, quietly eating. He let a comfortable silence fall for as she sat there and ate her breakfast. 

He cleared his throat after a little while, making her look up at him. "Are you feeling better since last night?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, though he could sense that her irritation came more from embarrassment than anger. 

"I'm fine," she snapped. "I was just tired."

That was certainly true, but her exhaustion wasn't solely to blame.

"I know you were tired," he replied. "But I also know that you were very upset by something."

It wasn't just something. He knew it was a lot of things. 

"Like I said," she hissed, "I was just tired."

"You were hurting," he insisted. "It's not wrong to admit that."

She slammed the muffin she had been eating back onto the plate, looking at him with a fiery expression. 

"I'm not weak!"

He didn't miss a beat. "Did I say you were?"

She paused, her angry demeanor faltering slightly. "No, but it was implied," she said through clenched teeth.

"No it wasn't."

And it wasn't implied. Not a single part of him believed that she was weak. If she had been weak, she would've given in to him the second he had her captured. 

Her glare softened and she seemed to accept his answer. She went back to eating her breakfast, silence falling again. 

He let her finish eating before he spoke again. "You'll need to be ready in an hour," he said. 

She looked up at him, brow furrowed. "Ready for what?"

"We're taking a little trip."

—-

Kylo's long fingers tapped at the glass in front of him, his body buzzing with irritation. 

Clusters of intoxicated, pretentious people all across The Elite Hotel's rooftop lounge. Ridiculously over complicated drinks being passed over the bar to even more ridiculously dressed people. 

Just using alcohol to distract themselves from their pathetic existences. 

He hated the gaudiness of it all. The glittering chandeliers, the tacky gold trim everywhere. All four walls of the lounge comprised of floor to ceiling windows, allowing for the setting sun to cast a warm orange glow on the entire room. 

Revolting. 

Coruscant certainly wasn't the worst place in the galaxy to be, but it definitely wasn't Kylo's idea of a good time. 

He sat in a corner booth next to two of his Knights, Trudgen and Ushar. His Little One was across the room but within his sight.

"I see why you like her," Ushar said, taking a sip of his drink. "She's quite nice to look at."

She was seated in a large plush chair near the bar, wearing a pair of impossibly tight black pants that qualified as more of a second skin than anything else, matched with an equally tight black shirt. 

Just the sight of her made Kylo's own pants tighten.

Kylo brought his glass to his lips. "Don't look too much then."

Ushar chuckled lightly, taking another long sip of his drink. He was arguably Kylo's most trusted Knight when it came to personal matters.

He wasn't very intimidated by Kylo. Obedient, sure. But he still viewed Kylo as a friend despite the fact that he called him Master.

A smirk tugged at Ushar's lips. "So I guess she was the one that finally broke your abstinence, hm?" 

Kylo glared at his Knight, taking a swig of his drink. "I'm going to assume that you're not seriously trying to discuss my sex life with me."

Kylo's abstinence had partially been his choice, but for the most part, it was his former teacher's mandate.

Snoke hadn't condoned any activity that posed even the slightest risk to Kylo's training. Making sure that no attachment, emotional or physical, came in the way of his training. 

However, Snoke still wasn't solely to blame. Even when he was younger, still calling himself Ben and identifying as a Jedi, he never found himself able to trust another person enough to crawl into bed with them.

But finally, it seemed like the stars had aligned for him. Snoke was out of Kylo's way, just in time for an infuriatingly gorgeous girl to walk right into his ship and fall into his hands. A girl that in some unidentifiable way, he inherently trusted. 

"Oh I'm not trying to discuss your sex life in detail," Ushar replied. "I'm just glad to see that you've found some...release."

Kylo scoffed. "Gods know you have no issue with finding release," he muttered. "Practically every pleasure house in the galaxy knows you by name."

Ushar shrugged. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

Before Kylo could reply, Trudgen leaned over and grabbed his attention. "Male Zabrak has approached Miss Ren," he reported. "Would you like me to intervene?"

Miss Ren. Kylo liked the sound of that. But she sure as hell wouldn't.

He looked over at her, immediately noticing the man that Trudgen was referring to. The Zabrak had taken a seat next to her, flagging down the bartender to order a drink. She smiled politely but Kylo still noticed her subtle inspection of the man.

He knew his Knights were itching for some conflict. They were blood-thirsty by nature. Killing was what they knew.

But the murderous desires of his Knights weren't needed yet. Little One may not look like more than a bubbly lounge patron at the moment but she was still a fierce, trained soldier with an impressive strength with the Force. 

Kylo wasn't sure what turned him on more - the sight of her in those ridiculously tight clothes, hugging every curve and gently slope of her body, or the fact that she would snap the man's neck if he made one wrong move against her.

Kylo shook his head, waving his hand at the Knight. "Not yet, but stay alert."

"Yes, Master Ren."

From the looks of it, the man was simply making small talk with her. But Kylo wasn't foolish - he knew that no one ever had pure intentions. 

Kylo concentrated on the Zabrak, tuning out the clamor of the room to focus on the man's thoughts. 

[Such a pretty little thing. She certainly isn't buying her own drinks. If I can just get her alone-]

Kylo drained the rest of his drink and slammed the glass on the table. 

Kylo turned to Trudgen. "Now you can intervene."

"Yes, Master Ren."

Trudgen and Ushar both exited the booth, weapons at their sides. Just the sight of his Knights would scare that Zabrak scum away. 

Kylo slid out of the booth and headed towards the exit, the rest of his Knights quickly approaching. They had been stationed in various places around the lounge, all with strict orders to protect his Little One. 

Protect but don't touch unless they wanted to lose a limb. 

Kylo saw her quickly walking towards him, flanked by Trudgen and Ushar. A clearly unamused expression on her face.

"Is there a reason that two of your bucketheaded morons just dragged me away?"

He heard Vicrul stifle a laugh at her nickname for his Knights. 

Kylo adjusted his gloves. "We're leaving."

"What? Why?"

He didn't offer further explanation. Instead, he just turned on his heel and walked out of the lounge, his Knights following suit, flanking her from every side. 

She was practically running to keep up with his strides as he headed towards the lift. "I wasn't even finished with my drink," she whined. "Why did we have to leave?"

"Relax." He stepped into the lift with her, gesturing for his Knights to take the next one. "You'll have plenty of time to get wasted tomorrow."

"But why did we have to leave so early?"

Kylo pressed the button for their floor level and the lift began to descend. He peered at her in the corner of his eye. Arms crossed, tapping her foot in annoyance. 

"It was time to go," he replied flatly.

"Wait a second." She stepped in front of him. "Is this because of the guy that sat down next to me?"

Kylo's silence seemed to be all the answer she needed.

She glared at him. Eyes narrowed, jaw set. "Are you fucking kidding me Ren? All he did was sit down next to me!"

He clasped his hands behind his back. "He didn't have good intentions, Little One."

The lift stopped moving, the doors quickly opening.

"Un-fucking-believable," she muttered, turning on her heel and entering the hall. 

He followed a few paces behind her, watching as she angrily stomped across the lushly carpeted floor. He wondered how long it would take for her to realize that she didn't know what room number she was looking for. 

Not very long, apparently.

She stopped walking, huffing in frustration. "Care to tell me the room number?"

Wordlessly, Kylo walked past her and began leading her farther down the hallway. 

He stopped in front of the correct room, turning to face her."This will be yours."

Her brows pulled together. "You're not making me stay with you?"

He didn't want to make her share a room with him. He wanted her to want to share a room with him. Choosing of her volition to spend the night with him, the way she'd chosen to before she'd left. 

He shook his head. "No, I'm not," he replied. "You have your own suite."

She looked at him warily but stepped forward and reached for the door handle. 

Guess she didn't realize that it was locked. 

Kylo smirked. "Need some assistance?"

She rolled her eyes. "Key."

He pulled the key out of his pocket, dangling it in front of her. Just as she was about to snatch the key from him, he pulled his hand away. 

"Did you forget your manners?"

She looked like she was trying to make him burst into flames with a single glare. 

"The key, please," she said through clenched teeth. 

Satisfied, he handed over the key. "Much better."

"Asshole," she mumbled under her breath as she unlocked the door.

She turned the handle and pushed the door open slightly but paused to look back at him. "If I'm not allowed to actually speak to another living person, why did you bring me here?"

He couldn't tell her that the meaning of this trip was twofold.

Of course he wanted to give her a chance to enjoy herself, take her mind off of things. Give her a taste of the comfortable life he could provide for her if she let him.

But he was also here because he'd gotten word of rebel sentiment on the planet. 

Something he was not fond of. Something he needed to take care of. 

But he didn't want to tell her that. "Tomorrow," he replied. "I promise."

"For some reason, I don't believe you."

With that, she walked into her room and slammed the door behind her.

——

He waited about an hour before walking next door to her room. Giving her time to get settled in her room. 

And hopefully, time for her to stop being annoyed with him. 

He knocked and the door swung open, but she wasn't standing there. She was standing across the room, looking out the window as she slowly lowered her outstretched hand. 

Definitely getting a handle on her abilities. 

"Hello, Little One," he said, walking towards her. "Enjoying the view?"

She didn't answer him as he came to stand next to her. 

Kylo sighed to himself. Looks like she's still annoyed. 

She was still looking out the window at the skyline, the sparkling buildings, reflecting in her eyes.

"Coruscant," she said suddenly. "Derived from ancient Aurebesh, meaning to glitter or sparkle."

He turned to look at her, eyebrows raised. "Where'd you learn that?"

A light pink brushed across her cheeks. "I used to steal books from this bookstore when I was younger," she explained. "The owner knew I took them but he didn't mind. I always returned them in perfect condition before I took another one."

He felt a strange sensation in his chest as she spoke. 

Warmth. 

Kylo cleared his throat, trying to shake the feeling away. "A thief with an affinity for reading," he mused. "Interesting."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "Well at least I stole books rather than people."

Kylo's lips twitched. "To be fair, I didn't kidnap you the first time. You came to me."

She scoffed. "Technicality."

"I had no choice," he said quietly. "This is-"

"War," she breathed, waving a hand at him. She glanced at him briefly before looking back to the skyline. "I know."

He took a deep breath. "I couldn't let the Resistance have your ability."

"And that's all I am, right?" She let out a sad laugh, hugging her arms to her chest. "Just my abilities, nothing more than a weapon. 

Kylo stiffened slightly. "That's not-"

"Either a pawn for the Resistance or a pawn for the First Order," she said, sighing. "But I guess the decision between the two has already been made for me."

Kylo didn't say anything. He just watched as she continued looking out the window, a pensive look on her face. 

He wasn't used to dealing with this side of her. He was far more accustomed to her anger and attitude, her boldness and defiance. 

But this was different, something he wasn't familiar with. It almost seemed like acceptance. Acceptance of her reality, acceptance of her place with him. 

He should've been elated, overwhelming satisfied that she was giving in to him. But he wasn't sure that he liked seeing this version of her. He'd grown quite fond of his Little One challenging him.

Kylo wanted to mention that he saw her as more than just her abilities. Sure, he had said that he wanted nothing more than to use her abilities on behalf of the First Order.

But that was a long time ago. Things had changed. 

He decided on a safer topic, trying to shake the strange feeling that had taken hold of him. "This seems like a much more pleasant side of the planet than you're used to," he observed, glancing over at her. 

He knew what part of Coruscant she was used to. The slums, the filthy and rundown sectors. Insufficient and dilapidated orphanages. The slums, the filthy and rundown sectors.The places where an unattended child fending for herself was nothing out of the ordinary. 

Her lips twitched. "I assume so," she replied. "But I wouldn't really know seeing as I haven't had much of a chance to experience it."

He sighed, narrowing his eyes at her. "Tomorrow, like I said."

She didn't say anything in reply. 

Kylo rolled his head on his shoulders before turning away from the window."Well, I'm going to go take a bath before turning in," he announced. "You need to get some rest."

She perked up. "Bath?"

Her suite was nearly identical to Kylo's, but it didn't have a bath. So if she wanted to take a bath, she'd have to come to his room. 

Completely unintentional, of course. 

"Yes," he replied, looking back at her over his shoulder. "Would you like a bath?"

She hesitated but eventually nodded and walked towards the dresser to select a pair of pajamas. 

He gestured for her to follow him, leading her out of her room and into his, silently thanking himself for  
not getting her a room with a bath.

Like he expected, her jaw nearly hit the floor when she saw it.

"Oh my fucking stars," she said breathlessly. "This thing is huge."

Kylo had to resist the urge to make a crude joke.

But he remained silent as he walked towards the large tub, turning on the water and adjusting the temperature.

She placed her pajamas on the counter and turned to face him but frowned when she saw him sitting on the edge of the tub. 

"Aren't you going to leave?"

"Why would I do that?" He stood up, walking towards her. "I told you that I was going to take a bath."

He didn't wait for her to answer before pulling off his shirt and throwing it to the floor. She averted her eyes but he could see the slight redness in her cheeks. 

She brought her hands to the hem of her shirt and slowly pulled it over her head. Still not looking anywhere near him, she worked on removing the rest of her clothes while Kylo did the same. 

Once completely undressed, Kylo walked back over to the tub and turned off the faucet, dipping his hand into the water and checking the temperature. 

He gestured for her to come over. For some reason, she had her arms crossed, concealing her chest. 

He's been balls deep inside of her and yet she covers herself getting into the bath. Makes sense. 

She stepped into the bath immediately sinking her entire body into the warm water, small waves rippling around her. She sighed as she settled in the corner of the tub, eyes fluttering closed. 

Kylo followed suit, stepping into the bath and sinking into the water. He situated himself right next to her, leaning his head back against the edge of the tub. 

"This bathtub is fucking huge," she muttered, glaring at him. "Why do you have to sit right here?"

There's my girl. 

Kylo stretched his arms around the rim of the tub, one of being right behind her. "Because I want to sit right here," he replied. "Besides, this is my bath - I can sit wherever I please."

She started to move away. "Fine, then I'll-"

He grabbed her by the waist and yanked her onto his lap before she could. She yelped, water sloshing as she wriggled. 

"Relax," he muttered, situating her between his thighs. "Don't be so difficult."

Surprisingly, she actually seemed to listen to him. 

She stopped wriggling and settled herself in between his legs, removing her hands from Kylo's arm that she'd been trying to pry away from her. 

He reached out to collect her wet hair in his hands, bringing it all behind her. Enjoying the fact that she was so close to him.

"What are you doing?"

"Washing your hair," he replied.

"Why?"

Kylo continued playing with her locks. "Because you've had a long day and I know you're tired."

"I'm tired because you're tiresome," she mumbled. 

"Well you're just delightful."

They fell into a comfortable silence as Kylo washed her hair. He could sense her relaxation as his fingers massaged her scalp, the tension melting in the bath water. 

He was about to grab the soap and wash her body when she suddenly leaned her back against Kylo's chest, nuzzling her head against his shoulder. 

Kylo froze, his entire body going rigid. She hadn't sought out his affection in a long time. Not since before she'd left. 

He couldn't deny how much he'd missed it. Her curled up on his arms, hand on his chest, tightly pressed against him. 

He set the bar of soap down and tentatively wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him. Making her feel safe and secure in his embrace. 

He rested his cheek atop her head, eyes fluttering closed as he listened to the soft sighs tumbling from her lips. 

This was the first time he'd felt at peace since she'd gotten on that ship and left, expecting to never see him again. 

But that didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter at all that she'd left. 

All that mattered was the fact that she was back in his arms, right where she was supposed to be.


	19. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, Kylo doesn’t like being out of control.

Eyes closed, body submerged in the warm water, leaning back against the tub. So peaceful, nothing in the world besides you and this heavenly bathtub.

Kylo had left earlier this morning to do who-knows-what, promising to bring back breakfast for you when he returned. Meaning, you had a couple of hours all to yourself. Including the gigantic bathtub. 

You thought about the night before when you had been this exact same position, except for the fact that you had been leaning against Kylo's broad chest instead of the bathtub. 

It felt warm and safe to be in his arms, head resting on his shoulder. You had promised that you wouldn't let yourself trust him again and feel comfortable with him, but there you were, happily breaking that rule. 

You couldn't help it though. He somehow made you feel safe and protected despite how often he got on your nerves or angered you beyond comprehension. 

Your thoughts - and blissful state - were interrupted by the sound of the refresher door opening. Apparently, Kylo was finished with his morning errand. 

Before you could say anything, Kylo spoke up."I didn't realize you were bathing in here."

Only problem? The voice didn't belong to Kylo. 

Your eyes flew open, pure panic coursing through your body. Frantically, you tried to cover yourself up and turned around to see one of Kylo's Knights standing in the refresher, facing away from you.

"WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK?"

"Don't worry, I didn't see much," the Knight said, raising his hands in mock surrender, his back still towards you.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

Your voice echoed off the marble tiles, mixing with the sound of water splashing as you tried to conceal yourself. 

"No need to yell," he replied cooly. 

You were seriously tempted to get ahold of his club and beat him senseless. 

"I can yell all I want seeing as you just walked in on me while I'm taking a fucking bath," you snapped. "Care to explain why you're in here right now? Or better yet, why don't you get the fuck out?"

"Master Ren did say that you had quite the mouth on you," he mused. Clearly, he was enjoying this.

You'd never actually met the Knights of Ren before, only exchanging bitter, snide comments with the two Knights that had escorted you to your room when you'd arrived a few days ago. 

This certainly wasn't how you planned on formally meeting them.

"I was given strict instructions to guard the room while Master Ren is away."

"Great," you spat, "then why aren't you outside, you know, guarding it?"

Ushar adjusted the club resting against his shoulder. "I was told to check on you," he replied. "You weren't in the bedroom so I needed to come in here."

You pinched the bridge of your nose. "If I wasn't in the bedroom, then the logical conclusion would be that I was in the bathroom."

"Correct."

"And usually, in a bathroom, a person is in some way exposed, engaging in what is supposed to be a private activity."

"Correct."

"So why didn't you just come to the conclusion that I was in here performing one of those private activities?"

"I was told to ensure that you were alright."

"Well, clearly, I'm fine." You let out a loud, agitated sigh and turned back around. "Feel free to leave anytime now."

"Certainly, Miss Ren."

You just about snapped your neck turning to face him. "Miss Ren?" you growled. "I think the fuck not."

"Would you prefer Little One as Master Ren refers to you?" he taunted, obviously enjoying the rise he was getting out of you. 

"I'd prefer that you keep any disgusting name for me out of your wretched mouth," you spat. 

"Ah, so polite," he said. "I will be waiting for you outside of the suite."

Without another word, he exited the bathroom and closed the door behind him. 

The water was still deliciously warm, soothing your muscles. But the tranquility you had previously had was long gone.

Begrudgingly, you climbed out of the tub, water sloshing around and spilling to the tile floor below as you reached for a towel.

Quickly wringing out your wet hair in the sink, you left the bathroom and walked into the bedroom, grabbing your change of clothes. 

You knew he'd be back soon since he'd already been gone for a few hours, so you sat down on the edge of the bed, eyes locked on the door. Waiting for it to open and for the fucking asshole known as Kylo Ren to saunter in. 

You'd gotten much better at being able to sense things and people during your training with Luke, allowing you to sense Kylo's presence as he approached the room. 

Just like you'd expected, he sauntered in, completely relaxed and casual. He seemed a bit surprised to see you sitting there. 

"I thought you'd still be in the bath," he said. "Or were you just too excited for me to come back?"

You so wished that you were still in that bath, blissfully unaware of what Kylo had done. 

Oh, and still holding onto a sliver of dignity that was taken when Kylo's absolute dumbass of a Knight barged in. 

"Yes, because my life solely revolves around your comings and goings," you deadpanned. 

You had meant it sarcastically but to a certain extent, it was true. You were still a prisoner of war, after all. Your life snd your daily experiences were obnoxiously intertwined with his. 

Kylo walked into the small kitchenette and set down a tray of what you assumed to be either tea or coffee, along with two bags.

He glanced over at you, eyebrow raised. "What has you so perturbed?"

"More so than usual, of course," he added, a smirk playing at his lips. 

You were this close to exploding. 

You stood up, making calculated strides towards the kitchen table that Kylo was standing next to. You stopped right in front of him, toe to toe, craning your neck to look at him. 

Before Kylo could make another obnoxious comment, you reeled your arm back, intending to smack your palm across his face. Hoping to physically wipe the smirk off of him. 

But he was quicker.

He grabbed your arm before your palm could make contact with his cheek, holding your hand inches from his face. Long fingers clasped around the entirety of your wrist. 

He glanced at your palm, an amused expression on his face. "Do you really think that'll make you feel better?"

"Let's find out."

He chuckled and dropped your wrist, stepping aside. "Care to explain why you're so angry, Little One?"

As if everything was perfectly fine, he handed you one of the drinks, along with a warm muffin. You snatched them from his hands, only to place them back down on the table.

You glared up at him. "It may have something to do with one of your knights," you spat. "Specifically, the moronic buckethead that walked in on me while I was bathing."

His whole expression tensed. "He did what?"

"This is what happens when you have your moronic bucketheads babysit me."

His expression relaxed a bit, and he grinned. "Well of course I have to have my most precious cargo protected while I'm away," he taunted. "Maybe if I can trust you to behave, you won't need babysitters."

You smiled back at him. "Well I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you."

The temptation of caffeine was far too strong to resist, so you picked up the drinks he'd brought. It was warm, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee wafting through the air. 

The sound of Kylo pulling out the chair next to him caught your attention. You looked over to him and he patted the chair seat. 

"Have a seat."

"No."

"Why not?"

"I want to stand."

He scoffed. "You make things so unnecessarily difficult."

You flashed him a wide smile. "Then drop me off on the nearest planet and find some other girl to fuck," you replied. "Perhaps one that's less unnecessarily difficult."

Despite that fact that you hadn't been serious, the look on Kylo's face sure was. 

He stood up, taking a step towards you. "You know that's now how I think of you," he said. "That's not why you're here."

You had intended to reply with a snarky comment, but paused when you caught his eye. 

He was staring at you so intently that it felt like you were frozen in place. His dark eyes with speckles of amber rendering you completely immobile. 

It was an unreadable gaze. If you didn't know any better, it almost seemed as though he was hurt by your words. It didn't make sense to you why he'd be upset but clearly, something about what you said he'd struck a nerve. 

You finally forced yourself to speak. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

He didn't budge. Didn't even blink. "Like what?"

You weren't sure how to describe it. He was looking at you like he was trying to see right through, his stare strong enough to steal the breath from your lungs and still the blood flowing in your veins. 

Finally, he tore his eyes away and sat down again, breaking whatever trance he had just put you in.

Unsure of what to do next, you sat down too and picked up the muffin he had brought. "Thanks for breakfast."

You were waiting for him to make some comment about how surprised he was to hear you thank him, but he didn't. 

"You're welcome."

You took a bite of the muffin, chewing slowly and taking a sip of your coffee. "What did you have to do this morning?"

"Errands."

You gave him a confused look. "Errands for what?"

"Nothing special," he replied. "Just errands."

But his smirk told a different story, almost as if it was something special.

You thought it was strange, seeing as he could practically just snap his fingers and have whatever he needed brought to him. 

You pointed at the other bag he had brought. "Well what's in there?"

He grinned. "Your dress for tonight."

——

You leaned against the counter of the bar, wearing the dress that Kylo had picked out for you.

You certainly hadn't expected Kylo to have a spectacular fashion sense, but it seemed like the man was full of surprises. 

The dress both looked and felt expensive. Silky black fabric hugging your curves, just barely reaching the middle of your thighs. By far the prettiest piece of clothing you'd ever worn before. 

As you waited for your drink, you noticed one of the knights approaching the counter. You didn't think much of it until you glanced at his helmet.

The knight that you'd had the unfortunate encounter with this morning took his place right next to you, mimicking your position against the bar.

"You seem to be avoiding me tonight," he said, voice distorted by his helmet. 

You scoffed. "Maybe because some idiot in a mask walked in on me while I was bathing today," you snapped.

"My name is actually Ushar, by the way," he informed you. "I figure it might be better than referring to me as idiot or buckethead."

"Well you don't call me by my actual name," you replied. "Shouldn't I do the same to you?"

He made a noise that sounded somewhat like a laugh, though it was hard to hear. "Fair enough."

It was strange seeing one of the Knights seem so casual and talkative since you knew they were brutal, trained killers.

"You know," you said, turning to look at him, "I think it's only fair that I should get to walk in on you bathing."

"I don't take baths," he replied, "but why should you get to see me in a bathtub?"

"Tit for tat," you explained. "You saw my tit, I should get to see your tat."

"My tat?"

"Yes."

He paused for a moment. "So you want to see my dick?"

"Not necessarily," you replied. "It's just fair that I should get to embarrass you and bust in on you completely naked too."

He clicked his tongue. "But that's where we're different." He glanced over at you. "I wouldn't find it embarrassing."

You rolled your eyes. "Awfully confident in your physique."

"You'd understand why if you saw for yourself."

You couldn't help but laugh slightly.

Cocky bastard.

The bartender slid your drink across the counter. You picked up your drink and turned away from the bar, leaving Ushar behind. 

"See you later, buckethead," you called over your shoulder. 

You started walking back towards Kylo. You hadn't really expected Kylo to fulfill his promise of taking you out tonight, and you certainly hadn't expected Kylo to bring you to this impressively fancy nightclub and take you to a private booth in an already exclusive room.

Kylo was watching you carefully, taking in your full appearance. His eyes traveled up to yours, giving you a barely noticeable smile as you sat down next to him in the private booth. 

"I think I might regret buying you that dress," Kylo said.

He was focusing ahead of him, presumably watching all the other patrons dancing and drinking and socializing in various places around the large room. 

"And why's that, Supreme Leader?"

He set his glass down. "All it does is make me want to take it off of you."

You took a long sip of your drink to hide your smirk. There was a sense of power flowing through you, knowing that just by putting on a dress, you were forcing the Supreme Leader to restrain himself. 

"Unfortunately for you, I think I'll be keeping this dress on for a while," you replied. 

You turned your attention away from Kylo, taking in the scene around you. The room was still buzzing with energy as it had been ever since you'd gotten here, people relaxing and enjoying themselves without a care in the world. 

There was a small platform a fair distance from the booth, currently unoccupied. You nudged Kylo and gestured towards it. "What's that?"

"You'll see," he replied. 

"Can't you just tell me?"

He glanced over at you. "I can," he admitted, "but I won't."

You rolled your eyes and grabbed your drink, downing nearly half of the contents in one sip. The longer you had to deal with this man, the more alcohol you were going to need. 

The glass in front of you was nearly empty by the time you noticed a woman walking across the room towards the platform. She stopped to the side of the stage, sitting down on a stool that had been placed there. Once she sat down, a man quickly came and placed a microphone stand in front of her. 

You leaned towards Kylo. "Why couldn't you just tell me it was for a singer?"

He didn't respond, but the corner of his lips twitched upwards the slightest bit. You rolled your eyes for what had to be the millionth time today and looked back towards the woman who had just started singing. 

Less than a minute after she had began, another woman walked towards the platform. But this time, she actually walked onto the circular platform. 

It didn't take long to figure out what she was doing.

The woman slipped off her red, silk robe, sliding it off of her shoulders and dropping it to the floor. Underneath, she wore a lacy, black body suit.

Whistles and applauds of approval rang out across the room

And then, she started dancing. 

She ran her hands all across the thin material covering her body, alternating between swaying her hips and bending over. You were sure she had every man in this room practically drooling. 

You wondered if that was true for Kylo. If he was nearly drooling over the woman dancing in front of him. If he would crawl into bed with her if he had the chance. 

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just some newfound boldness, but you couldn't keep yourself from making a snide comment. 

"You know, if you wanted to just get yourself off you could've just taken care of that without dragging me along."

You peered over at Kylo, noticing that he was already looking at you. He seemed amused, that same cocky expression on his face that made you want to slap him.

"Is someone...jealous?"

Well he didn't need to sound so happy about that possibility. 

"Of course not," you replied, trying your best to sound indifferent. "Why would I be jealous?"

"Oh of course you wouldn't be jealous," he said. "After all, you were the one that suggested I drop you off on some planet and find a different girl to take?"

You gritted your teeth. The fucker was using your own words against him, and you couldn't even be mad, seeing as you were the one that said it.

"Well I didn't suggest that you bring me along to watch," you spat.

He laughed. "You're awful at hiding your emotions, just so you know."

You ignored him, not denying his claim. "And you're awful at denying your despicable sexual urges."

The smirk on his face hadn't wavered one bit. "Last time I checked, you were the sole beneficiary of those urges."

At that moment, the woman was joined on the stage by another person. The second performer, a man, immediately started dancing with her, raising the level of sexuality in an instant. 

They were all over each other, the man running his hands all over the woman's body, pressing her against him while she slid her hands up and down his chest. Practically simulating sex through dance. 

You were so focused on the performance in front of you that you barely noticed Kylo's hand on your thigh, slowly pushing your dress up as his hand moved higher and higher. 

He leaned into you, lips hovering by your ear. "I promised you that you would enjoy yourself tonight, didn't I?"

The male dancer melted to his knees in front of his partner, practically worshipping her body as she danced and swayed her body in front of him. An equal mix of passion and lust guiding each movement. 

You tensed as Kylo ran a finger up the length of your covered slit with a feathery light touch. Teasing you, building your anticipation. 

You sucked in a breath, grabbing for your drink in hopes of hiding your arousal. You didn't want to admit it, but the sight in front of you combined with the feeling of Kylo's hand in between your legs was quickly - way too quickly - igniting a primal need inside of you. 

But it was no use trying to hide your enjoyment when his finger found your clit, a wanton moan escaping your lips. 

You clapped a hand over your mouth, trying to quiet yourself. But Kylo just used his free hand to pull your hand away from your mouth. 

"There's no need to be quiet, Little One," he whispered in your ear. "You know I love hearing you."

You didn't want to be loud, seeing as you were in public, but there was a fairly good chance that no one would hear you anyways. The room was loud, most likely able to drown out any noises you made. 

At least you hoped that was true because the second Kylo began applying more pressure to your clit, rubbing methodical circles against you, there was no chance of silence. 

You grabbed onto his forearm, lurching forward and squeezing your eyes shut. How this man could make you feel so good so easily would forever be a mystery to you.

Kylo tsked at you. "Open your eyes," he ordered, sliding his free arm to wrap around your waist. 

You opened your eyes, willing yourself to focus back on the stage. The two dancers were now on the floor, the woman seated on the man's lap and grinding down onto him. 

Your jaw fell slack as you tried and failed to stifle whimpers. Kylo wove his free hand into your hair, using it as leverage to tilt your head to the side and kiss your neck.

"Do you see the way he touches her?" Kylo whispered against your skin. 

You nodded weakly. The man was now on top of the woman, running his hands up her body, from her thighs to her chest. The woman arched her entire back off the floor, extending her arms outwards above her head. 

"I know that's what you want," Kylo murmured. "To be caressed and worshipped like you're the only woman on the planet."

Kylo pushed your panties aside and slowly pushed a finger inside of you, his thumb still working your clit. You whimpered and immediately spread your legs. 

"Ah, I'm right," he breathed, "aren't I?"

He didn't need to ask - he already knew that he was right. 

Maybe that was why you couldn't get enough of Kylo. The reason you were so drawn to him, intoxicated by the feeling of his body on yours. He had this ability to make you feel like nothing else matter nor existed besides you and him. 

Kylo leaned in even closer, tightly pressed against you. You could feel his breath tickling your skin, lips hovering by your ear. 

"Let's get out of here, hm?"

——

You didn't even bother trying to pretend that you didn't want Kylo tonight. The second you returned to the hotel, you followed Kylo into his room and practically jumped on him. 

His hands held your waist, keeping you tightly pressed against him. It didn't even seem possible for you to get any closer to him but it didn't stop you from trying. 

He suddenly pulled away and before you could protest or yank his lips back to yours, he had flipped you around and pinned your back to his chest. 

"That was an adorable little stunt you pulled the other night," he murmured. "And I hope you enjoyed it, because it won't be happening again."

"Hm, I don't think that's true."

"Yes it is," he insisted. "You're going to give me control tonight."

You scoffed loudly, rolling your eyes even though he couldn't see your face. "Yeah, right."

"Aren't you tired of trying to be in control all the time?"

You laughed dryly. "Oh, please, you-"

"I'm serious," he interrupted. "Just listen to me."

He really did sound serious. Though you had no intention of actually letting him take control tonight, you didn't object. In all honesty, you were curious to hear what he had to say. 

You turned around to face him, indicating that you were willing to listen.

"I know you think that you need to be in control all the time," he said. "You do it because you think it will protect you."

You looked away from him. He was right. You hated that he was right. That he...understood you so easily, like it came naturally to him. 

"Give me control tonight," he said softly. "Let me take care of you. Let me make you feel good."

You hadn't really equated giving him control to letting him take care of you before. But when he put it that way, it didn't seem too bad. 

Still, you were hesistant. Could you trust him with this? The last time you had extended him your trust, all you'd gotten in return was a lot of heartache and even more confusion. 

But it was useless trying to convince yourself that you didn't long for the days you had let yourself rest comfortably in his arms. 

You chewed on your lip. "What if I decide I don't want to? If I say yes now, what happens if I want to stop later?"

His expression relaxed a little bit. He seemed relieved that you might actually be considering saying yes to him. 

"You tell me to stop," he replied. "You tell me to stop, and I will."

You thought about it. It was certainly enticing. It would just be for tonight. Just one night where you let him take control, and he would stop if you told him to. 

Despite your reservations, you actually thought that this might be worth it. You were well aware of how good he could make you feel. 

"In a way, giving me control, submitting, actually gives you more control."

You gave him a confused look. He noticed, and continued, clarifying his contradiction. 

"There's a freedom in letting go. In submission," he continued. "You give me control, meaning that it was only yours to give in the first place."

"I guess that makes sense," you replied. 

He placed a finger under your chin, tilting your head back. "Let me be the person you need me to be tonight."

Whoever you need me to be. 

Maybe he was actually right. Maybe this was actually what you needed. Maybe this version of him was the Kylo that you needed right now. Let him take control for a little bit. 

Finally, you agreed. "Alright."

He smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. "That's my good girl."

You felt tingles up your spine. This was already going well and he was just getting started. 

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours. Soft, safe, familiar. Familiar and yet no less intoxicating. 

"You have control in another way tonight," he murmured against your bare shoulder.

You sharply inhaled when he gently bit into your skin. "How so?"

"Your behavior determines what kind of treatment you receive," he replied. "Would you like an example?"

You nodded. He brought his hand down from your shoulder, lightly touching your covered breasts

"If you behave," he murmured, "then you will be rewarded."

As he spoke, he grabbed one of your breasts in his hand, kneading it gently. You sighed in pleasure, you head tilting back. 

"And if you don't behave," he continued, "then you will be punished."

He pulled his hand away briefly, before bringing his down on your breast. Hard.

You whimpered and tried to pull away from him, but the arm around your waist kept you against him. At the same time, tried to ignore the warmth pooling in between your legs, squeezing your thighs together.

Of course he noticed that. 

"But it seems like you enjoy being punished."

He leaned down to kiss you again. This time with much more urgency, the restraint Kylo must've been holding onto all night ripping at the seams. 

He slipped his tongue into your mouth, hand sliding to hold the side of your neck. His other hand moved to your back, grabbing the zipper of your dress and slowly sliding it down. 

You tried to quickly removed your dress but he stopped you, grabbing the straps and painfully slowly sliding them down your shoulders, kissing your skin as he did. 

You fidgeted with impatience the entire time he was undressing you. Finally, he grabbed you by the waist and picked you up before dropping you onto the bed. 

He sunk to his knees at the foot of the bed, grabbing your ankles and pulling you towards him.   
He started kissing up your thigh, slowly working his way towards where you needed him most. 

Only once you were writhing in anticipation did Kylo finally drag his lips to your cunt, his tongue slipping out to tap your clit. 

"Oh fuck," you whined, throwing your head back. You spread your legs wider for him, no longer caring if you seemed to eager. He already knew you were desperate for his touch but tonight, you refused to care about it. 

Kylo wrapped his lips around your clit and sucked while he brought two fingers to your folds, slipping into you with ease. 

You whimpered and tangled your hands in his hair, eyes fluttering closed. He lapped at you relentlessly, a loud moan ripping from your throat every time his tongue flicked your clit.

You were already so close, Kylo's taunting at the nightclub building your sensitivity without offering release. He knew you were close too, the twitching of your body, the never ending moans tumbling from your lips, telling him everything he needed to know. 

Kylo slipped in another finger. Your back arching off the bed, fingernails digging into his scalp. So, so close, just a few-

Kylo pulled away and stood up. 

You cried out in frustration, propping yourself up on your elbows. 

"What the fuck Ren?"

You watched as he licked his lips, looking down at you with a wicked grin plastered on his face. "Patience," he said. Completely unbothered. "I'm just getting started."

He stepped away from the bed, walking across the room. Leaving you there in a cloud of frustration at your denied pleasure. 

Kylo was walked towards the dresser in the corner of the room for some reason. "What are you doing?"

"Getting something."

"And what are you getting?"

He turned around to face you, a small bag in his hand. "Something I bought you."

You were getting tired of his vague answers. "And what did you buy me?"

He tsked at you. "You ask a lot of questions."

You gave him a misleadingly sweet smile. "Give me better answers and I'll stop asking so many questions."

He paused at the foot of the bed again, setting the bag down. Next thing you knew, Kylo's hand was delivering a sharp slap to your most sensitive area. 

You cried out, twitching at the stinging sensation. He seemed thoroughly amused by your reaction. 

You groaned. "Seriously Ren?"

He placed his hands on the bed and leaned forward slightly, staring you down. "What did I tell you about misbehaving?"

You gulped. "Punishment."

He hummed in approval, standing up straight again and reaching inside of the bag. You tried to sit up more but you were suddenly flung back down, your back pressed into the mattress. 

You couldn't see Kylo any longer, but you felt the bed dip under his weight. "So what did you-"

You gasped when you felt something cold pressed against your cunt, spreading your lips and resting on your clit, eyes widening at the sensation between your legs. 

You didn't even need to ask what the object was. Your hips lifted off the bed, legs shaking. 

The Supreme Leader bought you a vibrator.

"Oh my gods," you whined. In just seconds, you were already close to coming. 

Kylo's free hand stroked your thigh. "That feels good, doesn't it pretty girl?"

You nodded emphatically. "Yes, yes, it feels good."

Pure bliss coursed through your body. Yoy were finally going to have some release after all the teasing. If you were being honest, the agonizing taunting was worth it for how good this felt. 

For the second time, Kylo pulled his hand away.

You were so frustrated that you tried to kick at him, huffing in annoyance. "Again Kylo? Seriously?

"You don't get to cum yet," Kylo said flatly. "Not until you decide to be a good girl for me."

You groaned. "But I was behaving."

Well, not entirely behaving. 

Kylo chuckled darkly. "Do you really think so?

You nodded weakly.

He laughed again, shaking his head. "Good girls don't try and slap people."

"That was earlier," you said. "I've behaved since then."

Again, not entirely true. 

"Maybe," he replied. "But you'll need to make up for your little outburst earlier."

You gritted your teeth. "And how will I do that?"

His smile somehow became even more sinister. 

"Beg."

"I don't beg for any-"

The vibration between your legs returned, slightly faster than before. You started moving your hips in circles, seeking more friction when your legs suddenly stopped moving.

Not only was your entire upper body pinned to the bed, but now so were your legs. 

You whimpered, tilting your head down as much as you could to look at Kylo. Hoping that the pitiful look in your eye would be begging enough. 

It wasn't.

The vibrations stopped again, though he kept the object tightly pressed against you. He was looking down at you with dark eyes. "Beg, Little One."

You groaned, your cunt clenching around nothing. Feeling a phantom tingling between your legs. 

"Beg," Kylo reiterated. "Beg for it or you don't get to cum."

"I don't beg for anything," you said through clenched teeth. 

A second later, the vibrations went back up to full speed. But then just as quickly as it had begun, it stopped again.

"Fuck!" you groaned, throwing your head back in frustration.

"I said," Kylo hissed, "beg for it."

The vibrations began again, painfully low, just taunting you without offering any relief. Again, you tried to lift your hips, hoping to grind against the vibrator but of course, you were still pinned down. 

As much as you despised begging and were practically revolted by the thought of being desperate, you needed release. Badly. 

So you gave the fucker what he wanted. 

"Kylo just please let me cum," you whimpered. "Please, please let me cum."

"Mhm, I'm not sure I should let you," he taunted.

"No, no, please, I need to," you protested. "I'm begging, alright? Just please-"

The vibrator's speed increased suddenly, immediately bringing you right to the edge. You cried out, head whipping to the side as the pressure built inside of you.

You couldn't hear if he had given you permission or not, but you didn't care. You couldn't hold off any longer. 

"Kylo!" That was all you managed to say. 

You were whimpering, twitching, absolute mess, thrashing uselessly in Kylo's Force hold. You could vaguely hear Kylo muttering praise to you, but the deafening mewls and cries pouring from you drowned out anything else. 

Finally, the Force released you, giving you the ability to move again. You twisted away from the now soaked vibrator, letting your body ride out the aftershocks of bliss. 

You didn't know how long it took for you to recover from what had to be the strongest orgasm you'd ever had. You felt the bed shifting and opened your eyes to see Kylo climbing over you. 

Kylo hovered above you, one long, leather-clad finger stroking your sweat-soaked face. You welcomed his touch, your skin tingling at the affectionate gesture.

"You look so beautiful when you cum," he said, his voice low and coarse. "But I don't remember giving you permission."

Whoops.

Before you could open your mouth and defend yourself, you felt the familiar buzzing between your legs. 

You whimpered and grabbed onto Kylo's shoulders, jaw slack and eyes wide. He looked at you with the most lustful expression you had seen, watching as you helplessly twitched beneath him. Unable to break contact with the vibrator thanks to his body pinning you down. 

Was he seriously going to make you cum again after that?

Apparently, yes. Yes he was. 

"That's my good girl," he breathed. "Take it."

"Fuck, I can't," you cried. Your entire lower body was twitching, screaming to pull away from the vibrator and yet craving it all at once. 

"Yes you can," he growled, holding the vibrator firmly against you. 

He adjusted the vibrator, hitting you in a new spot. You cried out, twisting and writhing as he assaulted your throbbing, sensitive clit. 

The juddering if the device against your clit was accompanied by a new sensation. Kylo slid two fingers inside of you, pumping you while keeping the vibrator in place. 

He was overwhelming you, sending every sensation and feeling into overdrive. And he was going to make you cum again. 

Your entire body tensed, your cunt clenching around his fingers. Your nails dug into Kylo's shoulders as you nuzzled your face into Kylo's chest. 

"Kylo, I-I-I'm-"

"I know," he rasped. "Cum for me."

You went rigid with a mix of pain and pleasure. You whimpered and mewled nonsense at Kylo, drowning in torturous euphoria. Shaking and trembling as you came all over the vibrator and Kylo's fingers. 

He only ceased his movements once he had drawn out every last bit of your orgasm. You were too exhausted and overstimulated to pay much attention to anything else, and we're surprised when you felt a tug at your ankle.

With shaky limbs, you sat up to see Kylo again standing at the foot of the bed, hands gripping either of your ankles. 

You watched as he tugged the waistband of his pants down, reaching in to his boxers and pulling out his cock. Painfully hard, throbbing and heavy in his hand. 

There was no way he actually thought you could handle more. Right?

In a blur, he tugged you towards him and pushed inside of you with one quick thrust.

You screamed, fisting the sheets, back arching off the bed. But even your painful sensitivity couldn't stifle the sheer pleasure of having him inside of you. 

He grabbed your legs and wrapped them around his waist, beginning to thrust in and out of you. He groaned as your pussy took in every inch of his cock, watching as your breasts bounced with each snap of his hips. 

He picked up his pace, quickly finding a rhythm that made your mind go blank. Nothing existing besides Kylo and the feeling of him inside of you. 

Kylo used his teeth to remove one of his gloves, reaching his now bare hand towards one of your breasts. Squeezing and massaging it as he slid in an out of your fucked-out cunt. 

You let your eyes close, absorbing the pleasure. Letting yourself drown in bliss. Welcoming the painful stimulation. 

But your eyes flew open, wide as possible, when you felt Kylo remove his hand from your breast and bring his thumb to your clit.

"What the f-"

"One more," he grunted.

You cried out as he flicked your clit, beginning to rub torturous circles against you. "Fuck Kylo, I can't."

He started fucking you harder. "You can, and you will."

"No, no, I can't," you whimpered, scratching at his chest. 

You heard his voice deep inside of your mind. I will stop if you want me to. Do you want me to stop?

You held onto his shoulders, tightening your legs around his waist. "No, no, I don't want you to stop."

He growled and started working your clit faster, a newfound determination to make you cum again.

You let out a high-pitched noise and went rigid against him. Clutching onto him, clenching around his cock. Moaning and whimpering as you came all over him, letting him claim and possess every part of him. Mumbling his name over and over again, each utterance puncturing the last thin boundary separating you and Kylo. 

He kept working you until your orgasm had run it's course, lifting his fingers to focus on chasing his own release. He slammed into you, lowering his head to kiss and bite at your neck and chest. 

You threaded a hand through his hair, holding him close. Holding onto the only thing that existed to you at the moment. 

You were so delirious, but you still found a way to look into Kylo's eyes, holding his gaze. "Let go, Ky."

Without taking his eyes off of yours, he slammed into you, tense and hunching forward. Moaning as his hips jerked forward, his cock twitching and spilling into your overworked cunt. 

He nearly collapsed on top of you, his chest pressed against yours. He was watching you intently, his face hovering directly above yours.

His voice was raspy, still struggling for breath. "Are you alright?"

You were more than alright. Kylo had been right in saying that you needed to give someone else the lead. Let yourself exist freely. 

You felt so exposed, so vulnerable. But yet so safe.

You'd been vulnerable with him before, but never like this. And he was being vulnerable too. This was a raw existence, completely exposed to him.

Your hand reached for his face, thumb stroking his cheek. There was an undeniable warmth and humanity in his eyes as he looked at you, leaning into your touch. Looking, really looking, at you. 

And then he smiled, more genuinely than you had ever seen before. It made your heart skip a beat, watching as his eyes crinkled at the corners. The warmth in his eyes increasing beyond what you thought possible for him. 

You smiled back. Freely and unrestrained, no longer concerned with appearing to be indifferent. You felt safe and understood and free and you wanted him to know it. 

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him towards you, gently pressing your lips to his. 

Kylo had been exactly who you needed him to be.


	20. Come Back

Kylo rolled over, squinting at the shaft of sunlight peeking through the curtains. 

He rubbed his eyes and looked down to see her still sleeping, tightly nestled in the sheets. Making those adorable, quiet little noises she always made while she slept. The kind of sweet sighs that made him forget she was still a highly skilled fighter.

The kind of fighter that picked up a lightsaber for the first time and gave him a lovely scar. 

This was exactly how he wanted to see her. Calm, content, rested. Safely tucked in his bed right next to him. His Little One right where she belonged.

As quietly as possible, Kylo climbed out of bed, silently tiptoeing across the room. He let out a breath when he saw that she hadn't moved, still very much asleep as he walked through the refresher door. He grinned to himself, thinking of why she was so tired. 

He'd had her before, of course. But not like last night. Nothing even close to last night.

The vulnerability, the passion. The connection. He couldn't even remember a time he'd felt so understood. There was no way she hadn't felt it too. 

Everything melted away. The opposing sides of war, the dynamic of captive and captor, all the instances of tension and struggle. All of it gone, only leaving the two of them together in one perfect moment.

Something had changed and something was different, though he couldn't put his finger on it. But whatever it was that had made him feel that way, he'd do anything to bottle it up and keep it forever. 

Kylo leaned down in front of the sink, turning on the faucet and splashing cool water on his face. And just for the brief second that his eyes were closed, images of her danced behind his eyelids.

He grabbed a towel to dry his face before looking at himself mirror. Scratches littered his chest, visible reminders of the night left by the gentle bite of her fingernails. He turned slightly, noticing similar marks on his back too. 

He noticed his low-hanging sweatpants tightening as he thought of what had caused the marks. The way she'd whimpered and moaned for him, clinging to him as he wrung every ounce of pleasure from her. Nails dragging all over his skin, pulling him closer as she unraveled beneath him. 

Kylo had to bite back a groan, shaking his head as if it would empty his head. It didn't, of course. The girl lived rent free in his head at all times. The worst part? He loved it. He loved that she was always on his mind. He loved his obsession. 

Once he felt slightly put together and a bit more awake, he exited the refresher and walked back to the bedroom. Again quietly, still not wanting to disturb her. 

As he approached the bed, he noticed that she was now clutching a pillow in her arms. And he realized it was because before, she had been nestled next to him. Her hand on his chest, head nestled on his shoulder. 

He thought it was a bit ironic that she always did that. Clinging to him while she slept. For someone who incessantly insisted that she didn't want him, she never spent a night in his bed without sleeping in his arms. 

Not that he was complaining, though. He'd spent so long feeling so lonely and it was nice to feel needed for once. To feel wanted, simply because this stubborn girl that just loved to bicker with him never failed to fall asleep with her head on his chest. 

It wasn't one sided by any means. If she hadn't been the one to close the space between them, he certainly would've. 

Gods, the way this girl could make him so hard and yet so soft.

He lowered himself into the bed, his frame filling the same indents he'd left as he climbed under the sheet. He leaned closer to her and gently brushed away the untamed hair that was covering her face. And when he did, he saw her own evidence of the night before.

Her neck was littered with red and purple marks. Bruises left from his fingers and lips and teeth, decorating her smooth skin and trailing all the way down to her chest. 

Kylo carefully reached for the pillow in her arms, gently pulling it away from her and tossing it elsewhere. Her chest was now mostly revealed to him, the sheets just barely covering the lower halves of her breasts. Like he'd expected, her breasts were just as colorful as her neck was. Red and light violet patches, all left by him. 

His hand found the curve of her shoulder, slowly dragging his fingers down across her bare skin. He followed the gentle form of her body, trailing his hand down her sides and to her hips. 

By now, his pants were growing obnoxiously tight. So much so that he subconsciously pushed his hips against her, groaning when he felt his hardness brush her soft and warm upper thigh. 

For fucks sake, she hadn't even woken up yet and she was already making him painfully hard. 

Kylo bit down on his lip so hard he nearly drew blood, trying his hardest to stop his movements. But right as was about to exert his last bit of self control and still his movements, he felt her move.

His eyes snapped open, mortified that she may have just caught him in the act. That there might be a witness to the Supreme Leader's lack of restraint. 

But she hadn't. At least, he didn't think she had. 

Her eyes were still closed, breathing still rhythmic and even. And yet he knew he had just felt her push her hips against his, mimicking his same desperate action. And she'd done it asleep. 

A hand slithered underneath the sheet, finding her bare hip. He used it to guide her against him, aching for the slight bit of relief it had previously offered. It wasn't enough, but it was better than nothing.

Gods, he was hornier than a fucking teenaged boy. 

His imagination inflicted him with vivid recall, down to every last detail. Those intoxicating sounds spilling from her lips, the feeling of her skin on his. The way her voice cracked as she begged him to cum, desperate for release. And Kylo, having to contain himself, exerting an almost painful amount of self control when all he wanted was to watch her unravel for him, and to do the same. 

In an attempt to quiet himself, he dipped his head down and pressed his lips to her shoulder. It was a miracle she hadn't woken up yet, considering Kylo's cock was grinding against her thigh while he tried to muffle his groans against her skin. But then again, he knew she was absolutely exhausted, and had become nearly comatose after their session. 

He continued rolling his hips against her, growing needier by the second. But even through the pleasure he could tell how wrong this was. 

He'd just gotten the girl's trust again. Well, at least a tiny sliver of trust. Enough for her to come back to him and completely bewitch him with just the touch of her lips. Enough trust to peacefully fall asleep with him, the most vulnerable state a person could be in.

And here he was, trying to get off using her thigh while she was still fucking asleep. 

Kylo had done some...questionable things in his life, things and crimes and outrages that would far exceed this, but it still felt wrong. A bit degrading, actually.

But just as he was about to stop and head to the refresher, vowing to take care of his issue with just his hand, something happened. 

Not like before, though. Before, it had just been a small twitch of her hips, the faintest response that Kylo wasn't even sure had happened. No, no, this was definite. 

"Kylo."

His soul nearly left his body when he heard his name fall from her lips in a breathy moan. That, accompanied with a far more noticeable movement of her hips working against him. 

Lips parted in shock, he looked back to her face, again finding her eyes still closed. But this time, her lips were slightly upturned at the corners.

Kylo paused, a delightful thought popping into his head. 

Was she dreaming about him?

Again, another invasion of privacy, but considering he what he was already doing at the moment, looking through her mind didn't seem all that bad.

A quick sift through her thoughts revealed what she was dreaming of. Exactly like Kylo had suspected. 

Images of Kylo with his face buried between her thighs, hands sliding up her torso to grab her breasts. Kylo pulling away to climb back over her, tugging her onto her stomach and plowing into her from behind.

What a filthy girl she was.

But he loved the filthy side of her, the side that contradicted her so well. Such a stubborn and tough little soldier that still had undeniable needs and cravings. And Kylo certainly wanted to fulfill those needs. 

He grinned to himself and slowly pushed her onto her back. A gentle sigh passed through her still kiss-swollen lips, encouraging Kylo to continue. And he did, climbing on top of her and intently watching her reaction.

The movements had shifted the sheet lower, now completely exposing the upper half of her torso. It took substantial strength to tear his eyes away from her breasts and continue with his plan.

Following the sequence of her dream, he started to work his way down her body, leaving a trail of wet kisses beginning at her sternum and ending below her navel. 

His eyes flickered up to watch her. She was moving slightly, her hands softly grabbing at the sheets while she subtly pushed her body into Kylo's touch. All the while that taunting little smile stayed plastered on her face. 

One of Kylo's hands gripped her thigh, gently partly her legs to make room for him. But he paused when he brought his face closer to her cunt, again feeling some sort of nagging guilt. His conscience, obnoxiously tapping at his skull. 

But before he could scrap his whole plan and torture himself with waiting, she spoke again.

She shifted slightly, craning her head to the side before her sweet voice fell on his ears. "Please, Ky, please."

Any alarm in his head signaling that this was wrong immediately stopped ringing. He dipped his head down with complete certainty, deciding that waking her up with his tongue on her cunt was the best method.

And it was. He slipped his tongue past his lips and drew a slow but firm line up the entire length of her slit. The second the tip of his tongue collided with her clit, her eyes flew open and an airy whimper tore from her throat. 

He snaked his tongue out again, tapping her clit with a bit more force. "Good morning, Little One."

He pulled away to look at her better, keeping both of his hands wrapped around her thighs. She was already looking at him, propped up on her elbows. 

She licked her lips, her chest rising and falling with labored breaths. "I knew that felt too real to just be a dream," she mumbled.

He couldn't help but laugh. And there it was again, her ability to make him so hard and yet so soft all at once. Laughing lightheartedly while his head was between her legs.

"You and your dreams about me," he said, unable to stop himself from smirking.

She rolled her eyes but was still smiling. "And you and your needs," she replied. "It's not even the middle of the day."

Kylo scoffed, bringing a hand between her legs and just barely pressing into her folds. "Interesting coming from the person who just had a wet dream about me."

And it was certainly a wet dream based on the sensation at Kylo's fingertip. 

The moan in her throat cut off any witty reply she might have for him. Her hips raised off the bed, willing Kylo to plunge deeper into her. 

"You're certainly needier than I am," he said as he slowly pushed further into her. "After all I did for you last night, you still want more."

He kept his eyes on her as he added another finger, watching her eyes close and her jaw go slack. He began pumping her slowly, feeling her stretch around just two of his fingers. 

Kylo tore his eyes away from her to dip his head down, wrapping his lips around her clit. She sharply inhaled when he gently sucked, no doubt still sensitivity. So he was soft and soothing with his movements, caressing and soothing where he had brutalized last night. To remind her that he could be gentle when she needed him to be. 

Just for her, of course. No one else was afforded that option. 

She let out a breathy moan, trailing her hands down to his hair. He groaned when she pulled on his locks, digging his fingers into her thighs. Little brat knew how much he liked that. 

Without slowing his pace, he moved his free hand in between his own legs, palming himself over his pants. Just the slightest bit of pressure from his hand and he couldn't stop himself from moaning against her pussy, sending vibrations to her core that made her whimper in delight. 

His cock was practically throbbing against his hand, heavy and pulsing with need. He worked himself faster, pumping her harder, tongue flicking and circling her clit. The moans tearing from her throat were music to his ears, but Kylo couldn't wait any longer to be inside of her. 

He pulled away and climbed over her before any fragment of a protest could form on her lips. Resting on one arm with his other hand wrapped around his cock, he was about to plunge into her. Until he remembered the content of her dream.

He paused for a second, drinking in the sight of her beneath him, before he slid an arm underneath her lower back and flipped her onto her stomach. 

His lips fluttered next to her ear. "Seem familiar?"

He couldn't see her eyes, but he was sure that she was currently rolling them. "Maybe."

A deep chuckle reverberated in his chest. He grabbed the backs of her thighs, spreading her legs and situating himself between them. With a drawn out groan, he finally pushed inside of her. 

He pressed his hands to the bed on either side of her and started thrusting, keeping his pace slow as she stretched to accommodate him. 

For a second, he was worried that he might be hurting her, knowing that she must be sore. But the sound of her pleasure-filled moans quickly eased his worry. 

He leaned down and dropped his head in the crook of her neck, placing open-mouthed kisses against her skin. His lips finding those spots he knew she loved to be kissed at. 

"Oh my gods," she breathed, tilting her head to give him better access. "More, Ky. More."

Kylo grunted, a deep, primal sound, and began snapping his hips harder like she asked. He certainly didn't need to be told twice. 

The sound of skin slapping together soon filled the room, growing louder as Kylo moved quicker. 

"You feel so fucking good," he mumbled in between thrusts. "Just made to take my cock."

He slid his arm under her hips and pulled her ass into the air, arching her back to take him deeper. Kylo's thrusts grew slower as he relished in the closeness, basking in the warmth of her body pressed against him. 

The new angle made her clench around him. He ran his hand down the length of her extended arm until he reached the back of her hand and intertwined their fingers. As much contact with her as he could manage to find. 

Every time he touched her, every moment like this when they were skin to skin, was leading her to give in to what they had. To whatever beautiful and complex thing that existed between them. Slowly but effectively quieting the logic and reason inside the both of them that shouted for them to stop.

"Kylo," she whimpered. "I'm, I'm so-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Kylo wrenched her upwards, bringing her back flush with his chest. He slid an arm around the front of her body, his fingers quickly finding her clit and beginning to draw rough circles. 

She cried out, blindly reaching behind her to sling an arm around Kylo's neck. He was close too, snapping his hips upwards in erratic patterns, bringing both of them to the edge.

"I want you to cum for me," he said. "I want to feel you cum all around me."

A few more thrusts and she fell apart with Kylo following right behind her, groaning and swearing and muffling the sounds against her shoulder as he came inside of her. 

He held her close as they both chased their breath. And he continued holding onto her as he maneuvered onto his back and placed his tired Little One on his chest. 

Kylo watched as she tucked her head underneath his chin and closed her eyes. He smiled to himself, wrapping his strong arms around her. 

"Five more minutes, hm?"

——

Those five more minutes of extra sleep turned into nearly two hours. 

But since Kylo had practically abandoned all of his responsibility as Supreme Leader the last few days, he had no one to answer to and no unforgiving schedule to live by. Two hours of extra sleep was perfectly fine. 

Once the two of them finally pulled themselves out of bed and put themselves together, Kylo decided to take her out to eat and get a few drinks before they returned to the Finalizer.

Which meant that he found himself sitting in some random cantina the day after he'd already tormented himself with visiting a nightclub. 

But it wasn't all that bad. She was in a good mood - pleasant, even. So maybe all of Kylo's suffering in taking her out was worth it.

Suddenly, Kylo felt pressure on his foot. He ignored it, thinking it was an accident. But then he felt the sharp jab of an elbow in his side. 

He glared at her from the corner of his eye. "Is there a reason you're treating me like a human punching bag?"

She rolled her eyes and continued messing with her straw. Did her eyes ever get sore from rolling them so much?

"Good gods, you're so dramatic," she said. "I just wanted to...tell you something. 

He lifted an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yeah." She took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I wanted to thank you for bringing me here."

He just stared at her blankly. Certainly not the words he'd been expecting her to say. "Oh."

"I know this isn't your kind of thing," she continued. "So I just wanted to tell you that I...appreciate you bringing me here even though you don't like it."

The tiniest hint of a smile tugged at his lips. "You're welcome." He gestured to her glass. "Would you like another one?"

"Sure." She brought the glass to her lips and swallowed the last few drops. "I'll go get it."

She moved to exit their little corner spot but paused for a moment, turning back to Kylo. "Do you want anything to-

He suddenly pulled her face towards his, kissing her deep and hard, a gloved hand resting on the back of her neck.

She sucked in a breath when he let her go, managing to finish her sentence with a whisper. "-drink?"

He stroked her cheek with his thumb. "No, I'm alright."

She was blushing as she continued exitig the booth. It was endearing, the little things that made her almost shy and bashful. A surprise kiss could sweep the little fighter off her feet.

Kylo leaned back in his seat and watched as his prisoner approached the bar, placing a drink order with the bartender. 

She hadn't even been standing there for a minute when two women sitting on the bar stools struck up a conversation with her. One woman was Kage, the other Twi'lek, both of them gesturing wildly with their hands as they spoke.

His Little One reciprocated the energy, smiling just as much. Every few moments, he'd seen the tremors of laughter in her shoulders. And then she would speak again and it would be the other women's turn to laugh. If it had been anyone else, he probably would've found the encounter absolutely revolting. 

But he was mesmerized by the scene unfolding before him. Comepltely unable to take his eyes off of her. She seemed so happy. Light, free. Leaning against the bar and making conversation with two women she'd just met, speaking to them as if she'd known them for years. 

More importantly, acting as though she wasn't a prisoner of war in the custody of the First Order.

Kylo took a long sip of his drink. He thought of something he'd mulled over before, often times right before he fell asleep. If they'd met under different circumstances, could this be their normal? Her looking so happy and free, possibly a future in which Kylo wasn't haunted by the fear of her leaving him. 

But did a future like that even exist for them? Could that have been possible if she'd never become his prisoner?

His inner dialogue was cut off when he saw her returning to the table. He took another sip of his drink and cleared his throat, expunging any trace of a pensive expression from his face. 

She sat down again, bubbly and relaxed, and stayed that way for the next hour. Making casual conversation as if they were any other couple in this place, enjoying a drink and each other's company. 

But apparently good things never lasted long for Kylo. 

A strange feeling coursed through him, seizing his attention. He dismissed it at first, attributing it to his discomfort at being in this place. But the feeling suddenly intensified, every cell and nerve in his body sparking and burning. 

He gripped the edge of the table, his breathing growing more labored as he felt the pull of a familiar Force signature. Every noise, scent, sight or feeling vanished from his mind, all overtaken by the pull of the damned Force signature. 

He didn't want to believe it. There had to be some awful mistake. Just an error, some phantom feeling. But Kylo knew he wasn't mistaken when Ushar suddenly appeared in front of him, his weapon in hand. 

"Master Ren, I-"

Kylo thrust a finger at his Knight. "Find him," he ordered. "Take the others and find him."

"Yes, sir."

Ushar turned on his heel and moved to gather the other men, carrying out his given orders. Kylo tried to return his breathing to normal and give off the illusion that everything was fine. 

And for a moment, he forgot that the person sitting next to him was also Force sensitive. But of course she'd felt that signature too.

She snapped her head to the side, her eyes wide. Of course she knew what was going on. "Let me come with," she blurted. 

He silently motioned for her to exit the booth with him, not wanting to deny her request in the middle of a crowded area. He knew her all too well to think she'd be civil when he forbid her from coming with. 

He grabbed her hand and started walking her to the back exit. His knights were right behind him, weapons in hand and orders given. 

Kylo realized that it was probably a spectacle to see him and his men trudging through the cantina, a few bar stools falling over as they moved. But he didn't care what it may look like to other people. 

All he could think about was Luke's presence, his nerve to even show up here. 

You failed me, Skywalker. 

The heat of Skywalker's signature only intensified as Kylo stepped outside of the cantina, his Knights taking off in all directions to track down the former Jedi. Kylo kept a tight grip on her hand as he led Little One away from the cantina, down the side streets and alleys in the direction of the ship. 

The sound of Kylo's boots stomping on the pavement was loud, but it wasn't loud enough to drown out his thoughts. 

You failed me, Skywalker. 

He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard Little One calling his name as he practically dragged her through the streets. Nor had he felt her smacking his arm to get his attention. 

It wasn't until he was standing in front of the ship, chest heaving with labored breaths, that she caught his attention. 

"Hey!" she yelled, yanking her hand from his grip. "You do not get to just drag me around like a fucking doll, Kylo!"

He ignored her complaint, sharply turning to look at her. "You will stay-"

"Listen to me!" she interrupted. "Can you please tell me what the fuck you intend to do?"

Kylo didn't give her a reply. 

She reached for his hand with both of hers. "Look, just let me come with, and-"

"No."

"Ky, just listen-"

"No."

She gripped his hand tighter. "Please let me help you," she pleaded. "I just want to help you."

He debated for a second. And then a gut-wrenching though took hold on his mind. 

Bringing her with opened up the slightest chance that she might actually leave with-

"No," he replied firmly. "I need to talk to him alone."

"But Ky-"

"You will stay here," he interrupted. "Understand?"

She hesitated, not giving an immediate reply. Sensing her reluctance, he turned to face her and wrapped a hand around her arm. "Do not make me Force compel you," he pleaded. "Please stay here and do not make me use the Force."

It must've been the use of 'please' that won her over. She nodded curtly, sighing in defeat. "Fine," she replied. "But don't skewer Skywalker, alright?"

"No promises," he grumbled. 

With that, he turned away from her and put his mask on, letting the signature pull him towards Skywalker. 

It wasn't a far walk, slightly more than a minute when he turned down a shadowy side street to see Skywalker standing there. Clad in his usual brown robes, lightsaber fastened at his belt. His hair and beard grayed, his face wearing a worn, feeble expression.

"Skywalker."

Kylo's fists clenched at his sides, his entire body stiffening with rage. He was dangerously close to losing all control and letting his anger run free.

"Ben."

Kylo didn't even bother correcting him. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to speak to you," he replied cooly. As if they were just old friends that hadn't seen each other for a time. 

"I have nothing to say to you," Kylo said through gritted teeth. 

Luke smiled. "You and I both know that's not true," he said. "I know you-"

"You don't know anything about me."

Skywalker's smile didn't falter. "I know how much the rumor of rebel sympathy m bothers you," Skywalker said. "Wasn't sure what else would draw you out."

Kylo nearly combusted. Not only had he been tricked, but he'd been tricked by Luke fucking Skywalker.

Maybe this was the universe's payback for against Kylo for tricking that damned pilot into going to Batuu. 

"What the hell is the point of this?"

"Like I said," Skywalker replied, "I want to speak to you."

"And like I said, I have nothing-

"Where is she?"

Kylo was near the edge of his patience. "Don't even think about bringing her into this," he hissed. "She is none of your concern."

"She's pretty feisty," Luke continued, seemingly unfazed by Kylo's threat. "She called me a son of a bitch the first time she met me."

Kylo gritted his teeth. "She's not wrong."

Luke's expression faltered. "No, she's definitely not wrong," he agreed. "She's quite talented though."

"I'm fully aware of that."

"She has the same raw, natural power that you have," Luke said. "The kind of power that I've never seen in any student besides you."

Kylo was clenching his jaw so tightly, he wouldn't have been surprised if it shattered. "I'm not going to ask a third time," he hissed. "Why are you here?"

"I'm trying to bring you home," he said. "I need you to come home to us, and I need you to know that it's not too late."

"Yes it is!"

"No, it isn't," Luke said, his voice even and calm. "You can come back home. You can bring her and leave all this behind."

Do you ever think about leaving?

We can leave. Neither of us can really be happy here. 

"No. What's done is done."

"Keeping her against her will is not love, Kylo," Luke said.

Kylo laughed darkly. "Then tell me, dear uncle, what is love, hm? Is attempting to murder your nephew considered an act of love by your standards?"

Skywalker had no reply. Just a deep sigh laced with guilt. Tears burned in Kylo's eyes, every memory of his former training adding fuel to the unending fire that singed him from the inside out. 

"You failed me." Kylo's voice cracked despite himself. "You failed me and I took the fall! I was the one who was blamed!"

Luke shook his head. "You're not to blame," he said. "I am. Snoke is." He paused and took a deep breath. "Your parents know you're not to blame."

"Shut up!" Kylo roared. "You were all afraid of me!"

Kylo saw tears in his uncle's eyes. "I will never forgive myself for what I did," he choked. "But I have to make this right, Ben. I need you to come back."

"I still won't forgive myself even if you come back to us," he said. "But it's as close as I'll get."

He didn't know how to tell him that he was more angry that he had been right about Kylo. He was angry that he had seen how terrible he truly was.

"Come back and bring her," he said. "You can both come home."

Let me help you.

"I am tired of your pity and your savior complex." Kylo stood up straighter, glaring at Luke with every ounce of hatred he could muster. "You can't fix-

"Do you know what a dyad is, Ben?"

Kylo's words died on his tongue. His chest was rising and falling with heavy, angry breaths as he looked at Skywalker, trying to process his words.

Dyad.

He didn't know what it was, but it felt familiar. A faint tickle of some memory buried deep in his mind.

Perhaps he'd read about it. After all, he'd spent the majority of his time at the temple reading once the others slowly began to fear him. They'd sensed the darkness brewing inside him before he'd known it himself.

But no, he couldn't remember what a dyad was even if he'd read it. 

"I don't give a fuck," he shot back to Skywalker. "I don't give a fuck about anything to do with the Jedi."

Kylo took a wider stance and ignited his lightsaber, holding the cracking blade at his side. "I don't give a fuck about anything you have to say or anything to do with the Jedi," he spat. "Besides, the Jedi will die with you today."

Luke grinned and reached his hand to his bet, unclipping his lightsaber and igniting it. "I always did love practicing with you." He spun the glowing, blue weapon. "Though I still don't think you're going to squeeze out a win."

Kylo lost it. He charged forward with reckless abandon, blood rushing with vengeance and vision dancing with rage. And watched as he sunk his lightsaber into Skywalker's abdomen, right at his rib cage. 

And yet when Kylo extinguished the weapon, Luke was still standing, completely unharmed with no sign of an injury. 

"I didn't come here to fight you," Luke said calmly. "I just want you to come home."

Of course this had just been another smoke screen. Skywalker wasn't even here. Just some fucking Force projection.

Kylo couldn't help the tear that slipped down his cheek. "Then you should've thought about that before you gave up on me."

Shooting his uncle one last hateful glare, he turned away and started walking back to the ship. More importantly to her. To the only thing he wanted. 

He'd been walking for less than a minute when he felt another sensation coursing through his veins. But this time, it wasn't Skywalker's Force signature. 

It was the same feeling that had gripped his chest when Little One had collapsed into his arms, a mess of tears and sobs. It was that same sensation, but this time, the feeling wasn't sadness or anguish. 

It was panic. Fear.

Kylo took off running towards the ship, completely forgetting about his conversation with Skywalker.

Skywalker. He'd been so consumed by the presence of that man that he hadn't even realized he'd left her at the ship without one of his Knights. He'd been so consumed with finding his former master that it never occurred to him to leave her with one of his men.

It didn't take long for Kylo to figure out the cause of her panic. She was standing in between the two men and the ship, her lightsaber clutched in her hand. 

Except it couldn't be her lightsaber. That was still hidden away on the Finalizer, the same place it had been since Kylo confiscated it from her. Instead of her lightsaber, she was wielding what seemed to be either a metal pipe or a staff of some sort.

Kylo looked towards the ship and noticed the smashed window of the cockpit. The pilot must've been knocked out which explained why his prisoner was defending herself alone. If not, and he was simply letting her fend for herself, then he'd be more than knocked out once Kylo got a hold of him.

He looked back to her, feeling a surge of pride as he watched. She was using every technique he had taught her, looking effortless as she fought. And probably a few techniques that Skywalker had taught her, but Kylo was in no mood to give him credit. 

He watched as she sent one of the men flat onto his back, landing on the pavement in a heap. It seemed as though she was handling herself as Kylo watched in awe.

Until the tide turned against her.

It was like he was in slow motion. Unable to move fast enough when a man snuck up on her from the side. 

She didn't see him. She was too busy fighting the man in front of her. Too focused to see the other man close in on her, rusty knife in hand.

He couldn't even yell her name. It felt like his throat was constricted, tightened by an invisible rope of panic.

Kylo took off running as the blade plunged into her abdomen. 

——

Kylo stood inside the medbay, facing the doors to her room. Waiting for the doctor to emerge and give him the report.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this panicked. This guilty. He thought he was going to lose her today. And it would've been all his fault.

He was so preoccupied with Skywalker that he hadn't even stopped to think of sending one of his Knights to protect her. He hadn't thought about the fact that she was unarmed either, and it never crossed his mind that the ship had been in a seedy part of Coruscant. 

Those two men that attacked her would see their vengeance though. He sent his knights to take care of them, knowing that his men had been aching for a new target for ages. And now they had two that deserved every ounce of pain coming their way. 

Kylo looked up as he heard the doors opening. A white coat emerged from the room, clipboard in hand. 

"Supreme Leader, the-

"How is she?"

"Fine," the doctor replied. "The wound has been stitched up and dressed, and there's no internal bleeding or severe damage to her organs," he informed Kylo. "It was simply the blood loss and shock that knocked her out. The knife did not puncture any organs but she had been placed on antibiotics just in case of any infection caused by the blade. Which reminds me, while she was unconscious, we replaced her implant since-

Kylo held his hand up. "Implant? What implant?"

The doctor's eyes shifted down. "Birth control, sir," he explained. "I saw that her current birth control implant was near expired, so I replaced it."

Kylo hadn't even asked if she'd been on any contraceptive. Just another thing to be guilty about. 

Kylo nodded curtly to the man in front of him. He was too anxious to see her to take the time to thank the doctor. "Anything else?"

"No," the doctor replied. "I am suggesting that she stay here overnight out of extra precaution and avoid any activity that may reopen the wound until it's healed."

Kylo nodded again before pushing past the doctor and walking into her room. 

He was nervous. Scared, actually. She'd been so out of it, delirious as they returned to the Finalzier. Meaning that he had no idea how she was about to reach when she saw him. 

The sound of Kylo's boots echoed in the sterile medbay room, immediately grabbing her attention. She turned to look at him and it he hadn't known any better, he wouldn't have thought she'd just been stabbed. 

Kylo wasn't sure what to say. So he went for the obvious. "How are you?"

She glanced down at the IV in her arm and smoothed out her hospital gown. "I've had better days," she replied. "Usually days that don't involve me getting stabbed with a rusty knife."

He slowly made it to her bedside. "You seem to be in a fairly good mood given the circumstances."

She smiled. "Well I'm not dead," she replied matter-of-factly. "So it could've been worse."

"This never should have happened." Kylo took a deep breath. "If Skywalker hadn't distracted me, I-"

"Look, you can blame Luke for a lot of things, but this isn't one of them," she cut in. 

Kylo nodded solemnly. "I know."

He'd berated Skywalker for failing him, and yet he'd done the same to his prisoner. He'd failed her. The one who took the time to get to know him. The one who cared enough to understand.

"It probably would have turned out better if you'd left me with any sort of weapon," she said. "You know, so I wouldn't have had to use a piece of scrap metal."

"I know."

He let the silence fall, heavy on his shoulders. He could spend the rest of the day going through his mistakes, every decision that led to this point. 

The sound of her laugh cut through the silence. Kylo looked up, utterly confused as to what she could possibly find to be funny at the moment.

"Maybe this was a part of the plan," she said. "To finally get rid of me."

His jaw went slack. "You know that's not-

"It'd be a lot easier for you if I had," she continued.

Kylo's chest tightened. "Stop."

"You know, you wouldn't have to bother me anymore.

"Stop."

"And the resistance wouldn't have me either."

"Stop."

"Wouldn't it be make sense this way? You said you didn't want to kill me but this-

"Stop."

"-way, someone else would've done it for you."

"Enough!" he exploded. "Why are you trying to be so careless about this? Do you-"

"Because I was scared!"

He froze, his anger subsiding into guilt.

"Because I was scared, Ky," she repeated. "I already know it was a big deal. I don't want to relive it."

Kylo clamped his mouth shut and hung his head, his shoulders drooping under the weight of shame. "I'll be back later," he mumbled, still avoiding her gaze as he turned around.

"Wait."

He paused and looked back to her, barely managing to look her in the eye. But to his surprise, she wasn't wearing an angry expression. 

"You're leaving?" she asked quietly. 

"I thought you'd...want me to leave," he replied. 

She shook her head.

Kylo's own selfish guilt faded to the back of his mind as he walked back towards her. She shifted in the bed and gestured for him to sit beside her. He was careful of her wound as he positioned himself next to her, gently pulling her to rest in his arms. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered. 

"I know."


	21. Keep Me Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We spend some time with one of the Bucketheads. Oh, and big development here.
> 
> My fan cast for Ushar is Matthew Daddario, highly recommend looking him up if you don’t know him :)

Things have been good. Ever since your trip to Coruscant, things had been different - better. Except for the whole rusty-knife-in-the-abdomen part, of course. But other than that, things have been really good.

In the past five days, you'd occasionally woken up in the middle of the night to see Kylo's hand covering your wound. Just resting on your abdomen, right on top the healing incision.

The day after you two returned from Coruscant, Kylo was supposed to leave for a day to pick up some unspecified object, but delayed his trip by four days. He said it had nothing to do with your injury, but you both knew that wasn't true. 

You'd told him that he was being paranoid and that you were fine, but he insisted. You weren't complaining, though - the last four days had been surprisingly pleasant. 

When he'd come home at the end of the day, you'd tell him about some books you'd been reading and he'd tell you stories about the interesting things he'd seen on different planets. Places you'd never even heard of. And each night, you'd listen to the rhythmic sound of his voice until your eyes closed. 

Whether he knew it or not, he was more open with you. It was the first time you'd really seen his personality, his characteristics, without him trying to conceal it. His intelligence, his sense of humor, his ability to make even the dullest of conversation topics interesting to you. 

You'd spent so long viewing him as either the Supreme Leader or the General's estranged son, you'd never taken the time to just see him. 

Still young, still adventurous, recounting the various places he'd been with a glint in his eye. It was refreshing to see his guard faltering. And it made your heart flutter, realizing that some part of his subconscious trusted you enough to let you see those parts of him. 

It was strange to now be missing him while he was gone. There was a time not long ago where you wouldn't have cared less that he was gone. You'd maybe even be excited to be out of his presence.

But that was then and this is now. And now, he was your sense of comfort, your certainty amidst all the chaos. Your only sense of familiarity on this damned ship. 

Luckily, he wouldn't be gone long. He'd left the night before early in the evening and said he'd try to be back tonight. 

You'd slept in late this morning and entertained yourself with a book after you'd woken up. But now, it was the middle of the day and the book was finished. 

There were more books you could read - gods, you had stacks of books to choose from. After you mentioned the bookstore you used to steal from when you were younger, Kylo had secretly bought books for you in practically every genre you could think of. 

But what you really wanted to do was practice. You'd looked around for your lightsaber, wondering if Kylo had put it back in your room, but it seemed like he didn't. Must still be in his room.

You padded across your room and opened the door, intending to make the short trip to Kylo's room. Too bad there was a certain buckethead in your way.

Ah, the buckethead who barged in on you in the bath. Of course. 

The knight stepped in front of you, effectively blocking your path. "You're not allowed to leave."

You glared at him. "Says who?"

As if the answer wasn't obvious. 

"Master Ren."

Shocking. 

"Well he's not here right now, so move."

You moved to step past him. And he moved to block you. Again. 

"Seriously?"

He didn't budge. "I can't remember the last time I wasn't serious."

You huffed in frustration. "Look, I just need to get something from his room."

He tilted his helmet to the side. "And what might that be?"

"My li- a pillow," you sputtered. "I need a pillow."

Smooth.

You heard him laugh from underneath his mask. "Try again when you come up with a better lie."

You let out an overly dramatic sigh before giving him the most irritated look you could conjure. "You're an asshole."

"You're not exactly pleasant."

You scoffed, feigning offense. "You sure your Master would want you talking to me like that?"

"My instructions were to protect you and keep you in your room," he replied. "He said nothing about being polite."

"Why the hell do I need protection?"

"Master Ren seems to be rather fond of you," he said, "so I need to make sure you're safe because if you get your head cut off, so do I."

You frowned at him. "Who would want to cut my head off?"

He shrugged. "I can't think of anyone in particular, but I'm sure you'd be able to anger someone enough to lose your life."

You stood there for a second, glaring at him and trying to think of another strategy. But even through your stubborn obstinance, you could see that slipping by him wasn't going to happen. 

"Fine."

You turned on your heel and walked back into your room, closing the door behind you. 

With a loud sigh, you flopped onto your bed and stared at the ceiling. It looked you were back to your original options - read another book, shower, sleep, or run in circles. 

None of that sounded particularly appealing at the moment. But something else did. 

Something involving the knight outside your door.

You sat up and reached toward your nightstand, picking up an uneaten fruit from your breakfast. Quietly, you stood up and walked to the center of the room and faced the door. You reared your arm back and threw the fruit as hard as possible, watching as it smacked into the metal. 

And then you screamed. Not just a yelp or a shout. You screamed bloody murder.

In less than a second, the Knight standing guard burst in, weapon poised.

He frantically scanned the room, helmet moving from side to side. "What the-

His eyes fell on the fruit rolling on the floor and the mess it had left behind on the door. He relaxed slightly, realizing that you weren't actually in imminent danger. 

You were doubled over, laughing and clutching your side. "That has to be a record for the fastest entrance into a room," you sputtered through the stream of giggles. 

Ushar lowered his weapon and relaxed his stance. The irritation in his voice was palpable even from underneath his mask. "Was that supposed to be funny?"

"Yes," you said in between giggles. "That's why I'm laughing right now."

"You're insane," he muttered. 

"Yep." You grinned widely. "Absolutely batshit crazy."

He still didn't seem to be assumed. "What was the point of that? Did you find offense with that fruit for some reason?"

"No, I'm just bored," you complained. "It's lonely just sitting in a room alone all day. You'd be going crazy too."

The knight was still for a moment before he spoke. "Would you like me to keep you company?"

You studied him for a moment and then shrugged. "A blood-thirsty murderer to keep me company? Sure, cmon in."

It was strange watching the mass of black armor enter the room, weaponized club in hand. But at least there was another person in the room now. 

"So you really couldn't find a better way to entertain yourself besides assaulting a fruit?"

"The fruit was just collateral," you replied. "The whole point was to see how fast you could barge in here."

You let out a light laugh. "At least you didn't barge in on me while I was bathing this time," you added.

To your surprise, the knight laughed too. "I guess we're even then," he said. "Does this count as my 'tat' in that little game of yours?"

You saw my tit, I should get to see your tat.

"Technically, no," you replied, "but I'll let it slide."

Ushar took a few steps forward, glancing around the room. 

"I'm surprised you haven't tried digging a tunnel out of here."

"I would, but I don't have a shovel."

He chuckled. "Well then what have you been entertaining yourself with?"

You gestured to the stack of books and the dishes from your meal. "Read one of those and ate." You pointed to the holopad that was also on the nightstand. "There's some really shitty holodramas and a game of Dejarik on that thing."

"Dejarik?" He sounded interested. 

"Mhm." You picked up the device. "I was going to play, but it's not a game that you can play alone."

You raised an eyebrow at Ushar. "Do you play?"

His helmet nodded. "Of course."

"Excellent. I've been dying to kick someone's ass at it again."

Ushar leaned his club against the wall. "Then I'd suggest finding a different opponent."

You smirked. "Ah, arrogance makes for such a more satisfying defeat."

Ushar followed you over to the couch, sitting down opposite of you. Oddly, he didn't remove his helmet. 

"You can take your helmet off you know," you said. "I'll stop calling you buckethead if you do."

"Your wish is my command."

He pulled his helmet off effortlessly and placed it on the floor, shaking out his hair before looking back to you. Giving you your first view of his unmasked face. 

He was young looking. Around Kylo's age, you guessed. Raven hair, hazel eyes, tan skin, and just a bit of stubble on his face. 

He smiled at you, instantly appearing even younger and a lot less intimidating. "What, did you expect me to be deformed?"

You blinked hard and regained your senses. "Maybe."

You studied him for a moment while he looked at you with a shit-eating grin on his face. "You might be a little whacked in the head but you're alright looking. 

"Such a lovely compliment," he quipped. "I'm sure Master Ren's ego must be astronomical with a mouth like that."

"Don't worry, your Master's ego is gigantic without my input."

He laughed at that. Good thing Kylo wasn't around - it was doubtful that he'd find it funny. 

"So, what is your Master out getting anyways?"

He sighed and shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't tell you that."

Shocking, yet again. 

"Ren, keeping information from? Groundbreaking."

"I'm sure he has his reasons."

You scoffed at him. An idea suddenly slithered into your mind and before you could stop yourself, you were attempting to break into Ushar's thoughts. 

Your hand twitched every so slightly. You tried to keep a blank expression as you focused, attempting to press into his thoughts without moving your hand much and without letting him notice

"Are you seriously trying to read my thoughts?"

"Well not anymore," you mumbled. "Care to save me the trouble and just tell me what Ren is getting?"

"I would, but I'd rather remain in his good graces," he replied. "You should try it some time. It might serve you well."

You waved him off. "Yeah, yeah, I'll keep that in mind."

Ushar cleared his throat and pointed at your stomach."How is it healing?"

"A lot quicker than I thought," you replied. "That bacta ointment is great."

"Unfortunate souvenir from Coruscant," he said. "I believe Master Ren mentioned that it's your home planet, correct?"

You nodded. "It's funny," you said. "The last time I was there, I also ended up in a medbay."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Mhm." You pointed to your side. "Almost the same place too. Some other Coruscant morons smacked me with a staff and some jagged piece of it cut me open."

"Can't say I'm surprised," he said.

You laughed. "Why, because Coruscant just attracts those kinds of people?"

He grinned. "Because given the trouble you caused on a First Order ship, I couldn't even imagine what trouble you'd get into elsewhere."

You scoffed in mock hurt. "I don't know what you're talking about. I am so well-behaved."

He laughed, a much different sound without his helmet on. So much more human. There really was a person underneath all that armor. 

"So where are you from? Or where did Ren find you?   
Unless you were born sucking Kylo's dick, but I assume that was a learned habit."

He let out a quiet laugh but quickly grew serious again. "I owe Master Ren everything," he said. "He took me in when no one else did."

Your brows pulled together. "What do you mean?"

He swallowed with effort. "My parents couldn't afford to raise me," he replied. "I had to work in a doonium mine on Umbara in exchange for a monthly income for my parents."

You stared at him in a mix of shock and disbelief.  
"That sounds like slavery," you muttered. "Like child trafficking.

He nodded solemnly. "I guess you could call it that," he said. "But it supported my parents for as long as they lived."

You hadn't expected this. You didn't know what you expected Ushar's backstory to entail, but it certainly wasn't this.

Guilt tore through you. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, I just-

He waved a dismissive hand at you. "No need to apologize," he assured you. "Not talking about something doesn't make it disappear from your memory."

You sat in silence, looking at the man in front of you with pity and horror. Clearly a much more complicated person than you gave him credit for. 

"You know," Ushar said, breaking the silence, "Master Ren is a good man. He certainly doesn't always show it, but he is."

"I know."

And you did know. A bad man wouldn't save his prisoner. Twice. A bad man wouldn't braid his prisoner's hair, hold her as she slept

"He's just...troubled," Ushar said. "More so than most people."

And you knew that too. You thought of that day in this very room when you'd seen Kylo's memory of his uncle, the night Ben Solo almost died at the hands of a family member. That hurt, betrayal, utter loneliness so tangible that you could feel it. 

"But I think everyone is, to a certain extent," he continued. "At least everyone I've ever come across has been at least a bit troubled."

You sighed. "Unfortunately, I have to agree with you on that."

He nodded and laughed dryly. It was strange to see him so human, so conversational, especially given what you know knew about his past.

A silence fell. You cleared your throat and nudge Ushar's shin with your foot. "You're not too bad, buckethead."

He smiled. "You're not too bad either."

You smiled back at him, feeling a warmth in your chest. It looks like this ship wasn't completely devoid of pleasant people. 

"I believe we have a game of Dejarik to play," Ushar said, rolling his head on his shoulders. "Shall we?"

——

"HA! All tied up."

Ushar sighed, glaring at the holochess board. "Dammit."

You gave him a wide grin. "Up for another? Best of 5? Might get lucky and win your dignity back."

He narrowed his eyes and pointed to the board. "You're on."

You grinned devilishly and returned your attention to the holopad, about to start up a new game, when the door opened.

In walked Kylo, a mass of black robes. Strangely enough, you smiled the second he walked in. 

Kylo wasn't smiling. Instead, he was glaring. Glaring daggers at the knight currently sitting across from you.

The air in the room suddenly grew thick with tension for some reason. All you could do was watch as Kylo's eyes bore into Ushar's underneath a blanket of silence. 

The trance broke when Ushar suddenly scrambled to his feet and placed his helmet back on, walking to the door without another word. 

Kylo remained standing in the doorway after Ushar had exited. "So how-

All he did was gesture for you to follow him before he turned around and started walking.

Not that you'd expected Kylo to be overly animated or sappy when he returned, but you hadn't expected this. Something must've happened on his trip. 

You got to your feet and followed Kylo into his room. "So how was the-"

He stopped and spun around to face you. "What the hell were you doing?"

You recoiled slightly. "What?"

"I said," he hissed, "what the hell were you doing?"

Your brows furrowed. "Playing Dejarik. You gave me the data pad, remember? You said I-

"And what was he doing in there?"

"I was bored," you replied. "You can't play Dejarik without another person."

He was silent. Silently fuming, for some reason. You could see his chest rising and falling quickly, his jaw tense and his shoulders stiff.

"Why does it matter that he was playing with me?"

Kylo's eye twitched. "He was supposed to be guarding your room," he spat. "Protecting you."

"So? The whole reason was to protect me or whatever, wasn't it?" You raised an eyebow. "Wouldn't he be able to protect me better if he was in the room?"

"I instructed him to guard the room."

You were getting a bit tired of this. Actually, you were kind of pissed. 

"Why are you being like this right now? Did something happen on-"

In a split second, he had closed the distance between the two of you. "You aren't in any place to be asking questions right now."

You raised an eyebrow. "Says who?"

No reply. Instead, he grabbed your face and kissed you. If it hadn't been for the arm wrapped around your waist, you probably would've fallen over. 

It was a blur - lips, tongues, teeth clashing, hands roaming everywhere and anywhere. In the chaos, you somehow ended up on the bed with Kylo positioned in front of your exposed lower half.

He knelt down at the foot of the bed, grabbing your legs and yanking you towards him before burying his head between your thighs. 

You were soaked in no time, Kylo's tongue working wonders on you. Lapping at your folds, wrapping his lips around your clit and sucking, caressing your thighs with gloved hands. 

Kylo pulled away suddenly, much to your displeasure, and looked back at you. He stared at you and licked his lips, silently wearing a dark expression. 

You felt an energy shift in the room, almost like a wavering of the Force. All of the sudden, the blast door opened. And in walked your Dejarik opponent. 

You scrambled to sit up and attempt to conceal yourself, but Kylo's hands latched onto your thighs before you could. He held you in place, pressed firmly into the bed. 

Ushar seemed startled, coming to a hasty stop in the room. "Sir I-

"Take a seat."

Kylo briefly lifted one hand from your thigh to point at the couch across the room. The knight did as he was told, walking over to couch and sitting down. 

Your face was burning. There you were, sprawled on the bed with your legs held open, utterly exposed. Someone else seeing you like this. His knight, of all people. At least your shirt was still on - your last bit of decency. 

Your eyes focused on Ushar's mask for a second. Sure, the buckethead had walked in on you bathing. But that was an accident. This was intentional.

And for some strange reason, it excited you. 

You looked back to Kylo. "What are you-

"He's going to watch you cum for me, understand?"

He leaned over you and grabbed your jaw, hovering his lips next to your ear. "If you want him to leave, I will make him," he whispered. "But something tells me you want him to stay so you can show him how pretty you are when you cum."

You stayed silent, clenching your jaw underneath his fingers. 

"Don't think you can hide the truth from me," he warned. "Either tell me, or I'll find it for myself."

You didn't know why, but this possessive nature of his was doing something to you. And for some reason, the thought of his knight standing in the corner was making your skin tingle.The fact that he wanted to show you off. Show you off while pleasuring you. 

Good gods, what happened to you?

Let's hope this didn't awaken something in you.

Kylo's voice cut through your thoughts. "Little One."

You closed your eyes and nodded, unable to verbally reply. 

A deep laugh reverberated in his chest. "That's my girl."

Seriously, when did you become like this?

He wasted no time, dipping his hand between your legs again, sliding two fingers inside of you. You sucked in a sharp breath but quickly grew acclimated to the intrusion.

Kylo started finger-fucking you at a relentless pace, working you open. He rested his other hand on your lower abdomen, reaching his thumb to circle your clit. You covered your mouth with the back of your hand, biting at your knuckles to try and quiet yourself. Kylo of course noticed, and within less than a second, your hands were pinned above your head.

"No need to be shy now."

You were so close already. You whimpered, jerking your hips into his hand. Quickly, glancing over at Ushar, you caught his eye. His jaw was clenched impossibly tight as he watched his Master fuck you with his fingers, listening to the obscene sounds of pleasure tumbling from your lips.

Show him how pretty you look when you come for me.

Kylo's voice filled your mind, sending a new wave of pleasure through you. The combination of his deep, smooth voice and his intoxicating touch sent you over the edge.

You didn't pay attention the how loud you were moaning and whimpering as you came. It didn't matter. All that mattered was how good Kylo was making you feel. 

Your legs eventually stopped shaking, your body calming after riding out your orgasm. It hadn't been long since Kylo had pleasured you, but it still felt like a longtime hunger finally being satiated. 

"You are dismissed, Ushar."

"Yes, Master Ren." Boots shuffling and then the blaster door opening.

Before the blaster door had even closed, Kylo was leaning over you, hands tugging at your shirt. You sat up and let him remove it, though you wanted to find out why he was so upset. 

"Kylo, what-

Kylo dipped a hand between your legs before you could finish your sentence."You're fucking soaked," he growled. "Is that because Ushar was watching? Do you like him watching you cum?"

He didn't wait for answer. He shoved his entire length into you, groaning as he did. 

He paused for a moment, letting you adjust and brought his lips next to your ear. "See how you were just made for me? Made to be stretched by me?"

You whimpered and gripped his shoulders, eyes rolling back in your head. He started thrusting into you hard, his hips snapping against you with each stroke. 

He slid one of his hands to your throat, gloved fingers squeezing the sides of your neck. The possession in his eyes was tangible, radiating off of him as he devoured the sight of your entire body shaking from the force of his thrusts.'

"It's almost like you want to get in trouble," he taunted. "Piss me off just to get fucked like this. You just love being punished, don't you?"

It's not like you could answer. You were a mess beneath him, moaning and mumbling Kylo's name in a flog of pleasure. If this was punishment, you never wanted it to end.

"Cum for me," he ordered. "Cum for me again."

You whimpered. "Ky-Kylo, I don't think I-

"Yes you can," he growled. "You're going to cum for me again."

You felt the Force suddenly lick at your clit, your entire body jolting in response. 

"Oh gods," you moaned, nails digging into his shoulders.

"That's it," he breathed. "Look at me."

You couldn't manage to open your eyes, your head twisting to the side as you cried out.

"You will look at me."

The Force tilted your head to face him, eyes flying open. 

"I'm the only one who gets to do this to you," he said. "Understood? I'm the only one that gets to make you feel this way."

You nodded weakly, mouth hanging open as deafening moans spilled from your lips. Kylo  
manipulated the Force to work your clit faster, harder, bringing you right to the edge. 

"Cum for me," he ordered. "Show me who you cum for."

Your walls clenched and spasmed around him, holding onto Kylo for dear life as your orgasm tore through you. Vision dark, ears ringing, skin on fire. The way this man could make you feel was unbelievable. 

Seconds later, Kylo slammed into you and stilled, his cock twitching and pumping his cum inside of you. He dropped his head to the crook of your neck, hot breath tickling your shoulder as his pleasure ran it's course. 

He stayed like that for a few minutes, body pressed against you as you both chased your breath. Once his breathing had become somewhat regular again, he gently clasped your jaw to make you look at him. There was a light tenderness in his expression. "Are you alright?"

"No." You propped yourself up on your elbows. "I won't be alright until you explain why you got so angry."

His expression darkened. He stood up to his full height and stepped back, his hand dropping from your face. "You know exactly why."

"I don't." You stood up on shaky legs and put your discarded shirt back on, taking a step closer to Kylo. "What the hell is the issue with me playing Dejarik with Ushar?"

His eyes flashed with anger. "You know exactly what the issue is."

You groaned. "Can you stop saying that and just tell me? Because I don't know why-"

"I'm not even gone for an entire day and yojre already trying to fuck someone else."

You froze, unsure if he'd actually just said what you thought he'd just said. "Wait, what?"

"I don't share," he hissed. "I had assumed you'd understand that by now. I've made it very clear that you're mine."

You scoffed. "I am mine before I am anyone else's," you snapped. "But you're being ridiculous, I-"

"Am I? Am I being ridiculous?" He tilted his head to the side. "I know the thoughts that go through his head, the way he looks at you. Letting his eyes linger a bit too long."

Ushar? Thinking about you? Like that?

You raised an eyebrow at Kylo. "Then why did you bring him in here?"

His eyes narrowed. "He needed to be reminded of what is and is not his."

You let out a frustrated sigh. You couldn't seriously be having this conversation right now. "Kylo-

His lip curled over his teeth and he forced your to step backwards until your shoulder blades collided with the wall. "Admit it," he seethed. "Admit that you want to fuck him instead."

"No," you replied. "That's not true."

But he didn't listen - he just kept going. He placed his hands on either side of you and leaned down, his face inches from yours. "You wanted to test your other options, isn't that it? Find someone better?"

You could hear a tinge of panic in his words. But you weren't in the mood to show him any sympathy while he was accusing you of something so unthinkable. 

Did he actually think you'd sleep with someone else? Not just someone else but his knight, of all people?

You shot daggers at him. "Enough," you hissed. "You're being ridiculous. You know I wasn't trying to-

"There was nothing stopping you," he snapped. "I wasn't here and there was nothing to stop you, so why wouldn't-

"Because I lo-"

You froze, clamping your mouth shut with an audible noise. He was frozen in place too, his jaw slack and eyes searching you. You swallowed thickly, barely managing to hold eye contact with him.

What the hell had you just been about to say?

It was mere seconds before the silence broke, but it was by far the longest few seconds you'd ever suffered through.

"What were you going to say?" 

You shook your head, tearing your eyes from him. "Nothing," you replied. "I wasn't going to say anything."

"What were you going to say?" he asked again, the air between the microscopic space between you growing thicker. "What was the rest of that sentence?"

You shook your head again. "No," you replied. "It was nothing."

His jaw clenched. "Say it."

"No."

"Say it." 

"Nothing, Kylo, I-

"I love you."

Those three words brought everything to a standstill. Three little words that stole all the air from your lungs and simultaneously stopped your heart and made it race all at once. 

"And I'll love you even if you won't admit that you love me too." His voice was shaking, but his words were clear as could be. "I'll love you even if you don't love me."

It was messed up. So messed up. There was no logical reason for him to love you. 

There wasn't a logical reason for you to love him either. 

But you did, despite your best efforts. He'd made you stop hating him, despite doing things that should've made him hate you more.

It didn't make any sense. But then again, the best things in life never make much sense. 

You picked up your hand, shaking slightly, and gently placed it on the left side of his chest. You could feel his breathing stutter under your touch, his heart rate quickening. 

His eyes fell to your hand. When he looked into your eyes again, he had a pained hopefulness etched onto his face.

The best things in life never make much sense.

You smiled at him. A real, genuine smile. "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how we feeling?


	22. Two Paths and Two Outcomes

There was a fine line between hatred and love. It can start on one side of that line and finish on the other, and you never even noticed when you crossed it. 

You'd always imagined love differently. Blame it on the books you read or just idealization, but you'd always imagined it being some soft, gentle slip from platonic friendship to love. Never had you imagined it being a rough, jagged path of twists and turns where sworn enemies become lovers. 

Though there was one book you remembered reading that didn't display love as such a warm, soft thing that easily occurs. It reminded you a lot of what you and Kylo had.

A girl was held captive just like you, imprisoned by a monster, a beast in all respects of the word. But even though he was beast-like in appearance and acted cruel towards her, love found its way into the story. She showed him kindness and made the effort to understand her captor, and that's what allowed for her to love him and for him to love her. And it turned out that love was all the captor needed to no longer be considered a beast. 

You'd certainly considered Kylo to be a monster when you first met him. The stories you'd heard, the heartless facade he wore, the fear of him that gripped the galaxy. It was a gradual process, going from viewing him as the devil incarnate to the man you chose to be your most vulnerable self with. 

It had taken you until now to really think about how much things had changed. The way you had come to inherently trusted him, the way he made you feel seen and heard and understood in a way you'd never experienced. 

It felt like an out of body experience. Standing in that room watching yourself tell Kylo Ren that you love him. And actually mean it.

Time had seemed to stall at that moment. You remembered Kylo staring at you for an indefinite amount of time and then nearly toppling both of you to the floor when he took you in his arms. 

You stayed that way for a while, encased in Kylo's warm embrace. His grip nearly suffocated you but it didn't matter. You let the tears fall, let every feeling that you'd buried rise to the surface. Everything you felt for Kylo, the way he had come to feel like home and like nothing you'd ever known all at once. 

A tear or two had fallen from Kylo's eyes too, though you were sure he wouldn't admit it. That was fine though; actions could convey feelings better than words could sometimes. The way he held you there and kissed you until you both could barely breath told you everything you needed to know.

"You seem distracted."

You looked up to see Kylo walking into the bedroom, tugging his gloves on. It was refreshing to see him look so content, color in his cheeks and the hint of a smile on his upturned lips. You couldn't help but be a little proud to be the reason for the smile.

"Not distracted, just thinking,"

He made his way over "About what?

"World domination, the meaning of life. You know, the usual."

"Funny," he replied with a light chuckle. "Would you like to keep planning your world domination or would you like to train?"

You stood up from the bed and walked towards him. "Can't a girl do both?"

He smiled down at you, brushing your hair off your shoulder. "I'm sure you could."

He leaned down and kissed you, slow and passionate, his hand cupping the back of your head.

Gods, you could spend all day kissing him.

"I wouldn't object to you kissing me all day but I assume you want to get some actual practice in."

You gasped quietly and lightly smacked his arm. "Stop reading my thoughts."

"Then think quieter."

Kylo leaned down to give you another kiss. "Ushar will come escort you," he said. "I'll meet you in the hangar."

He gave you a small smile and then turned around, robes fluttering behind him, and left the room. 

You'd been very clear with him on the whole Ushar debacle. The knight was somewhat of a friend. Just a person you could talk to, find some sense of normalcy when absolutely nothing else was remotely normal. Not that you didn't appreciate the aftermath of his jealous outburst, but you couldn't have him on the verge of combustion just at the sight of you being near another man.

He'd been honest too, admitting that he just couldn't stand the thoight of you with someone else. You found it slightly endearing, in a completely fucked up and somewhat unhealthy sort of way. But you'd read enough books to know that the best love stories were always a little bit toxic. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come-

The door opened before you had finished speaking. In walked Ushar, armored and large as usual. And per usual, not waiting for an invitation. 

"I feel like we've discussed your bad habit of barging in before," you said. "You're lucky I was dressed."

"Ah yes I am lucky."

You rolled your eyes but couldn't help the smile tugging at your lips. "I'll be ready in a second."

You headed into the refresher and stood in front of the mirror. Your hair was a bit wild - well, very messy, actually - and it needed to be tamed for training. 

Ushar's boots echoed in the room as he made his way over to the refresher, removing his helmet and leaning on the doorframe, armored club leaning against his chest. Such a casual accessory.

"It's strange walking into a bathroom and not seeing you naked."

You shot him a dirty look. "Very funny."

"You know what is funny," he said, "is the fact that I've seen undressed more than I've seen you fully clothed."

You could see your cheeks turn crimson in the mirror, remembering the last time youd been in the same room as him. 

You were embarrassed by the fact that he saw you so... exposed. But as depraved as it sounded, the memory of him watching as his Master finger-fucked you, watching you writhe and whimper at Kylo's touch just did something to you. Ignited some long concealed sexual deviance deep within you.

Seriously, what happened to me?

"All the others are quite jealous they didn't get invited to the show," he added. 

Your eyes went wide with horror. "You told them?"

He spoke so formally, sounding even a bit stiff and yet the man did such childish and perverted things. 

"In my defense, I didn't give details, just gave a vague summary."

"I'm impressed you could remember enough to tell the other bucket heads," you said. "I assumed your memory would be a bit impaired from all the blood that rushed to your dick."

"I'm a skilled man but I am still a man," he replied. "Can't hold that against me."

Ugh. Men.

You rolled your eyes at him and continued fixing your hair.

"I didn't think I'd even have a chance to tell my fellow bucket heads," he continued. "I was expecting to get my head ripped off once he was finished with you. You know, he was going to fuck me up after he fucked you."

You gave him a side-eyed glance. "Yes well your head is still tragically attached."

You managed to tame your hair to the best of your ability, tying your hair back and braiding it. You didn't look too bad, actually. The all black training clothes were flattering and fit perfectly, accompanied by your lightsaber clipped onto your waistband. 

"Is the princess finally ready?"

"Oh just shut up for a second and come on," you muttered, walking past him and out of the refresher. 

"At your service, Lady Ren," he chided.

"Gods that's even worse," you muttered.

He laughed and followed you out of the room, one loud, clunky footstep after another. He easily caught up with you and fell into like right at your side upon entering the hallway.

You stole a glance at him, seeing that he'd replaced his helmet. "I'm glad your babysitting duties won't be needed anymore."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"Things are...different," you replied slowly. 

Hopefully he didn't notice the bashful expression on your face. 

"Hm, I wasn't briefed on anything changing," he replied. "What's different?"

You waved him off, keeping your eyes ahead. "It's nothing."

"Oh so now we're not going to be open with each other? I've seen your-

"Yes, yes we know what you've seen," you muttered. 

"I've had to put up with your troublemaking self a lot recently, I believe I'm entitled to some details."

You sighed. "If you must know, then-

"Well look who it is."

A voice spoke from the opposite end of the hallway. You turned to look and found a familiar ginger quickly approaching. 

"I see Ren didn't pick up a new whore on Coruscant," Hux chided, stopping right in front of you and Ushar.

Pretty bold to say considering both you and Ushar were armed. You were suddenly regretting not taking lessons for Kylo on how to Force-choke someone. There was a strong temptation to cut off this man's airflow until his face matched his hair. 

You gave him a wide smile. "Well Ren didn't pick up a new whiny red headed bitch either," you replied. "So it looks like you still have your job, Fireball."

Ushar picked up his weapon, switching it between hands, gripping it with his leather gloves. Hux noticed, giving him a repulsed look. One of these days, the man's face was going to get stuck in a permanent state of disgust.

Ushar placed a hand on your arm. "We need to be going," he announced. "I suggest stepping aside, General."

Without waiting for a response, Ushar continued down the hallway leading you by the grip on your arm. But your other arm was perfectly capable of extending behind you and flipping off your beloved General Fucks.

"You didn't need to flash your weapon," you muttered once you were far enough away from Hux. "I can handle myself."

"Oh that wasn't for you," he replied. "I hate him."

Ushar always spoke with a fairly level-headed tone, and it was strange to hear so much animosity in his words. 

"Well he's still your superior," you said. "I unfortunately don't think you're allowed to bash his head in."

"Thankfully, he's not my superior," he replied. "My loyalty is to Master Ren, not the First Order."

"I think I might steal your pet name for him," he added. "Fireball is quite fitting."

\--

Your muscles ached as you lowered yourself to the ground. 

There was no denying that Kylo had remarkable skill with his lightsaber. He pushed you hard during training, leaving you a sweating, sore mess, but a better fighter. 

In all honesty, you had nearly reached your limit halfway through his session, but your pride stopped you from admitting that. Your feelings for him didn't eliminate your competitive nature - if anything, it made you that much more competitive. 

That being said, you were beyond grateful to finish the physical part of training. You could finally stop destroying yourself to keep up with Kylo and sit your ass down for a bit. 

"You need to focus on centering yourself, otherwise-

"Damn give me a second," you cut in. "At least let me catch my breath."

He sat down opposite of you and placed his helmet at his side. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a small flask, extending it to you.

You eagerly took it and drained half of its contents before handing it back, grateful for the soothing chill on you burning throat. 

"Better?"

You nodded. "Better," you replied. "Let's start."

"Focus on your breathing first."

Kylo had taught you a certain technique to use for breathing before you started meditating. Inhale for five seconds, hold for five seconds, and exhale for five seconds.

"Eyes closed."

You did as instructed, closing your eyes to the forest around you. Still breathing in rhythm with his technique.

"Center yourself," he said. "Pay attention to all of your senses and stay centered."

Grass beneath your fingers, the smell of the forest. Water droplets clinging to your lips, sounds of animals and the breeze rustling through trees. Kylo's Force signature near you, your own Force signature coursing through you. Energy inside of every particle and nerve in your body, flowing in and out. 

You focused on the Force, connecting to its strength and letting the power radiate through you. The shift was clear, the energy that surged up your spine and spread across your mind. Connect to the Force and let it connect you to everything else.

"It is not set in stone."

You knew that voice. You'd heard it before. Maybe you'd heard it the last time Kylo had brought you here, maybe you'd heard it that night you'd come across his Darth Vader's helmet. You weren't sure when, but you were sure you'd heard it before.

"Your fate does not occur without your consent."

Your eyes flew open, that blissful tranquility you'd achieved punctured. The forest wasn't there, rather a poorly lit unfamiliar area. 

You spun around to see the owner of the voice. For once, you actually saw the owner of the voice, a younger looking man, one you assumed to be a Jedi based off of his clothes. Ivory and brown robes, brown hair and beard. 

"Who are you?"

The man gave no indication that he'd heard you. His eyes moved away from yours and you followed his gaze to find a man in front of you - or what was left of him. You gasped in horror and stumbled back, a shaking hand covering your mouth.

It was gruesome. The majority of his body was burned, scorched, missing limbs. The man opened his mouth as if to speak, barely able to part his lips.

"Do not let him make the same mistakes as I did," he croaked. "Don't let him become who I am."

That voice sounded familiar too, though it was hard to tell given his condition. By the way he spoke, it sounded like you were supposed to recognize him.

You crouched down so he could look at you. "Don't let who make those mistakes?"

It sounded like there was a gaping hole in his chest with every breath he took."If he follows in my footsteps, he will suffer the same fate."

That still didn't answer your question. "Who are-

The man vanished and another took his place, a greater distance away. 

Kylo.

He was on the floor, clutching his stomach. Blood pooled onto the ground in front of him, a sickening, deep red puddle. 

You screamed his name and ran for him, boots pounding on hard, unforgiving rock. But you weren't getting any closer. Every step you took, he moved farther away. 

"The end hasn't been decided yet. Fate is not out of our control."

You whipped around to see the man again, standing there with no indication of panic. Shouldn't he be helping?

"What lies at the end of each path is unchangeable, but the path one chooses is never predetermined," he said.

You didn't have time to listen to this stranger's philosophical bullshit. You flipped around towards Kylo again, though he was no longer lying on the ground. Instead he was standing, no fatal-looking wound in sight. Smiling as genuinely as you'd ever seen him smile. The way he'd looked the night you told him you loved him.

"Ben," you whispered, before you could correct yourself. 

The other man spoke again. "Two paths and two outcomes."

You reached a hand out towards Kylo, wondering if you'd be able to feel him. But then he vanished, and you were looking at Kylo on the ground again, bleeding profusely. 

"Open your eyes, Little One."

Kylo still moved farther away each step you took. It was the definition of helpless, running towards him while he just grew further and further out of reach.

You turned around to look for the other man, hoping for some guidance. "How do I help him? He's hurt!"

"Don't let him make the same mistakes as his grandfather."

"How? How do I do that?"

"Right the wrongs of the Jedi. Do what they foolishly refused to do - give in to your feelings. They are not weaknesses."

Your heart was racing, pounding against your rib cage. It was hard to breathe, each inhale burning your chest. 

"Open your eyes for me. I'm here."

No, no, you needed to find out more. 

The man still stood there, calm and stoic. He had to know now to help Kylo.

"But how do I do that?"

The man seemed to waver, his outline blurring. "You'll know."

That wasn't good enough; that wasn't an answer. You needed an actual answer. Why wouldn't he give you one?

The man became harder and harder to see. And then it felt like you were moving backwards, being sucked into an endless vacuum. Yet Kylo was still in front of you, helpless and bleeding and you couldn't do anything about it.

"Listen to my voice. I'm here, just open your eyes. Just look at me."

It was Kylo's voice, clear and unmistakable. 

"I just need it to stop," you whispered. "Make it stop."

You felt something brush against your face. Then your eyes flew open and you took in a sharp, searing breath.

Kylo. Where was Kylo? 

You sat up and scrambled to find him, frantically looking around. Some sinking feeling that you'd find him bleeding out somewhere just like you'd seen.

Hands found your shoulders and held you steady. You clawed at his arms, frantically searching for his torso, hoping to find him perfectly intact and not bleeding. 

He grabbed your hands and forced you to still. Your vision cleared and you saw Kylo come into focus, looking almost as panicked as you felt.

"You're alright? Are you alright?"

He looked confused. "I'm not the one we need to be worried about right now," he said. 

You weren't worried about yourself. You'd just seen Kylo dying in front of you.

"But you, you - no I saw it, there was-

"I'm here," he said. "I'm here, you're alright. Just breathe for me."

You sat there, gasping for air and willing for your heart to slow. Trying to get your body to accept that Kylo was completely fine. 

"It, it happened again," you mumbled. "The same thing that happened last time."

He nodded and pushed a strand of sweat soaked hair from your face. "I know," he said. "I was worried."

"Why did that happen again? What even is it?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm not sure yet."

You gave him a weak smile. "That's reassuring," you teased. "Aren't you supposed to know everything about this shit?"

He gave you a half-hearted smile. "I do know everything, just not this," he said. "I didn't see anything explaining this in the...

He trailed off, letting his sentence die.

"In the what?"

He waved you off. "Nothing," he replied. "Did you see the same thing as last time?"

You swallowed nervously. "Yes," you lied.

He studied you for a few moments while you regained your composure. "I think we're done for today," he said.

Definitely not going to argue with that right now. That was much worse than the last incident.

Kylo helped you stand up, grabbing your hand and effortlessly pulling you to your feet. He kept a hand on your lower back as he led you towards the shuttle. Thankfully it was only a short walk, given how physically and mentally drained you were. 

"You can lay down if you want to," Kylo said once you were inside the shuttle. "I think you need some rest."

"I'll be fine."

You moved to step away so he could head towards the cockpit, but he held you in place. "You don't need to be stubborn," he said. "You can just rest."

"You worry about flying, I'll worry about me."

"Fine," he muttered. "But you're resting when we get back."

"Your wish is my command, Supreme Leader," you taunted. 

He grinned down at you. "You forgot I like that."

You tilted your head to the side. "No I didn't," you replied. "Now go."

He squeezed your hip before heading towards the cockpit. You walked the opposite way, towards the large window of the shuttle. 

You took in the view of endless stars amidst the darkness. You'd seen this view countless times but it never seemed to get old. The stars never seemed any dimmer. 

It was easy to get lost in the view, everything else melting away. But it'd be a shame not to let yourself drown in wonder sometimes.

Your silence was interrupted by the sound of footsteps approaching, followed by two strong arms wrapping around your waist. 

"Don't worry, I put it in neutral."

Last time, you panicked thinking that the ship was just flying aimlessly. Needless to say he still hadn't let you live that down.

He ran a hand along the sloppily done braid you had managed to put your hair in. "Not bad," he said. "But mine is still better."

You smiled to yourself. "Debatable."

He chuckled and let your hair fall against your back again. "You did well today," he said. "You've improved quite a bit."

"Thank you."

You leaned into him, head resting on his chest. There was still a residual uneasiness from what you'd seen, but you disregarded it. The Force was fickle - it couldn't be trusted as infallible truth.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

The images you'd seen left you fairly shaken up but the warmth from Kylo's arms seemed to melt the worry away. 

He tightened his grip around you. You focused back on the view from the window. Endless stars, each one seeming to shine brighter than the next. No end in sight.

Kylo tucked his chin on your shoulder. "Like the view?"

"Mhm."

An onlooker would find this absolutely impossible. A former prisoner and a technically current Resistance fighter aboard a First Order ship, unrestrained, with the Supreme Leader's arms around her. 

"I'll take you to all those places," he said, pointing in front of you."All the places I told you about."

Your eyes lit up and you turned around to face him. "You will?"

"Of course." He placed a finger under your chin, tilting your face upwards. "I wouldn't tell you about all those places and then not show you them."

You smiled. You'd been right - things would  
be different now. Bound to him by love, not bound to him by imprisonment. 

He leaned down and kissed you, sweet and gentle. One hand cradling your face, the other pressed to your lower back.

He pulled away but stayed close. "And I'll be taking you to one of those places in a few days," he said.

"Oh?"

"You're coming on a mission with me."

You sighed. "Kylo, I've made it very clear that I will not work for the First Order," you said sharply. "That still hasn't changed."

"You're coming with me on this mission, that isn't up for debate," he said. "But I will not force you to participate. That part is up to you."

You raised an eyebrow at him. "Giving me an option? How unlike you."

He narrowed his eyes. "Don't be a brat."

"But it's what I'm good at."

"Trust me, I know," he replied. "But I believe you'll want to participate in this."

Doubtful. "Why's that?"

"The mission is on Umbara."

Umbara. The place Ushar told you about. The place where his childhood wasted away in a doonium mines just so he could feed his family.

You shuddered at the thought of a young Ushar and other children wasting their childhoods away laboring for someone else. The amount of young girls and boys still enduring what Ushar had gone through. 

This might be a chance to right those wrongs. Make sure that no more children grew up sharing Ushar's story. If you didn't try to help, who would?

"I'm listening."


	23. Anything For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steamy with angst. Sigh. It’s necessary, I’m sorry.

The room was silent except for the rhythmic hum of the ship, empty except for you. 

A long trip was the perfect time for peace and quiet, some time to yourself. And since it was a fairly long trip, you'd brought a book along to pass the time. Only you'd grabbed the book in a rush and hadn't realized you'd picked up a rather steamy piece of literature. 

So now you were sitting on the bed in the guest room, all hot and bothered with a dirty book open in your lap. 

His hand slid between her thighs, soft fingertips playing at her weeping slit. A velvety moan spilled from her lips-

"What are you reading?"

You nearly fell off the bed. As quickly as possible, you slammed the book shut and set it down next to you.

"A book."

Kylo chuckled and walked into the room, closing the door behind him. "Well was it on fire? I've never seen someone put a book down that fast."

"No, you just startled me." Hopefully the heat creeping onto your cheeks wouldn't give you away.

He sat down at your feet and grabbed your ankles, pulling your legs across his lap. A gloved hand ran up and down one of your legs, up from your ankle and all the way to your upper thigh.

His hand paused at your upper thigh, fingers curling inwards towards your core. "Is the book good?"

Your breath hitched. "Yes." 

"Hmm." His hand moved upwards, gloved fingers teasing your waistband. "And what is it about?"

"People."

Reading cliché, possibly mind-numbing romance novels was a guilty pleasure. One that you enjoyed, but not one that needed to be shared with Kylo.

"Hmm." He reached for the book and you slammed your hand down on the cover just as his fingers brushed the spine.

He looked up at you, an eyebrow raised. "They say caring is sharing," he chided. "Not nice to keep it away from me."

He slid his hand away and started playing with your waistband again, slipping inside and brushing across bare skin. He knew exactly what he was doing; the smirk on his face made that clear. 

"Why don't you read it to me then? Since you don't seem to like sharing."

You begrudgingly grabbed the book and opened it. "Once upon a time, a giant tree of man didn't know how to mind his own business."

"Funny." His fingers dug into your thighs. "Now read."

"Fine."

You started at the beginning of the page you were on.

"Rough, calloused hands coasted over her naked thighs and hips, reaching for the small of her waist. Lips traced the outline of her throat as his...

He hooked both hands in your waistband and slowly pulled the material down your legs and tossed them aside. His hand stroked your now bare legs, edging towards your inner thighs.

"I didn't say to stop reading."

"Lips traced the outline of her throat as his hand moved inwards, drawing a tantalizing and taunting line across her covered...

Kylo did just as the book described, a leather-clad finger tracing you over your panties. He gestured to the book with a nod of his head. "It's a wonder how you ever finish a book with how much you stop reading."

You rolled your eyes. "I'm an efficient reader when a certain someone isn't distracting me."

With the help of the Force, he flipped you onto your stomach, legs still across his legs. He grabbed the backs of your thighs and pulled your ass onto his lap. 

"Dont try and pretend that you don't like the distraction."

He palmed your ass and gently squeezed, the seams of his gloves pressing into soft skin. You bit back a moan as he massaged you, silently wondering how someone's hands could feel that good.

"Keep going," he murmured.

You opened the book again back to the page you were on. Curse him for making you do this and curse yourself for liking it. 

"He slid two thumbs into the waistline of her thin, lacy thong and pulled them down her legs, unimaginably soft and smooth to the touch."

Kylo mirrored the character's actions, sliding your panties off and bringing his hand back up to caress your backside again.

"And here I thought your reading was innocent," he taunted. "Guess I was wrong."

You didn't pay much attention to his teasing, far more interested in the feeling of his hands inching towards your now uncovered core. 

"Continue."

You squirmed slightly. "Kylo, would you just- fuck!"

Kylo brought his hand down on your ass with an unforgiving slap. You jolted forward and pressed your legs together. 

"What the hell was that for?"

He soothed the area he had just assaulted with his palm, gliding it over the sensitive skin. "Keep reading, Little One."

You chewed at your lip. Part of you wanted to disobey him again, find yourself with symmetrical handprints on your ass. But the other part of you didn't want to delay anymore.

You skipped a few lines, getting to the part of the book you really wanted Kylo to reenact. 

"His hand slid between her thighs, soft fingertips playing at her weeping slit. A velvety moan spilled from her lips as he pushed a finger inside of - Oh fuck-

Leather seams brushed your walls as he slid a finger into you. Just one finger and you felt full, walls stretching and clenching around him. He pumped in and out of you relentlessly, quickly adding a second finger

Kylo curled his fingers inside of you, brushing his fingertips against that sensitive spot. "Oh, oh gods."

"What is it Little One? Did that feel good?"

You managed a nod in between whimpers. 

"What, like this?" He curled his fingers again, brushing against that sweet spot deep inside of you. 

Your head had just rolled onto your shoulder when it was suddenly brought upright again by the tug of Kylo's hand in your hair. "Answer me."

"Yes, yes that feels good," you sputtered. "Again. Please."

Kylo chuckled lightly. "Only since you asked so nicely."

He repeated the movement, eliciting an even louder moan from you. His thumb moved to stroke your clit in slow, methodical circles while he continued pumping you. 

"Fuck, Kylo I'm-

Kylo ripped his fingers away and dropped his hold in your hair, leaving you clenching around nothing with your head hanging down.

You whined in frustration and craned your neck to look back at him. "What was that for?"

He removed his gloves and tossed them aside. "Patience, Little One."

He moved his legs off your lap and crawled on top of you, his noticeable bulge pressing into your ass.

"So, so impatient."

You rolled your eyes as he kissed the skin just below your ear. "You're irritating."

He hummed against your ear. "Maybe." He rolled you onto your back. "But you still love me."

"I know."

He cupped your face and leaned down, giving you a slow and sweet kiss.

"I love you too."

Butterflies in your stomach was an understatement. That was the only the second time he'd said it. And if it was possible, it gave you more butterflies the second time. 

You leaned up to kiss him. Hands roamed over every inch of him that you could reach, desperate and aching to feel him. To feel what was yours. He loved you, and he was yours. 

Without unlatching your lips from his, you slid your hand in between your bodies, fumbling for his belt. Kylo took the signal and replaced your hand, easily unfastening his pants. 

He broke away and reached down to his groin, quickly pumping his length and placing his tip at your entrance. 

"Fuck," he breathed. "How are you always this tight?"

He waited the bare minimum amount of time for you to adjust before he started pounding into you. Kylo grunted in between thrusts, eyes unwavering locked on yours as he fucked you. 

Without faltering in his pace, he grabbed one of your legs and tossed it over his shoulder. You cried out at the new angle, eyes rolling back on your head as he plunged into new depths within you. 

He moved quickly, though it certainly wasn't without passion. It was nothing but passion, each snap of his hips, each messy and urgent kiss smothered in yearning. 

Kylo leaned his weight on one arm and slid his other hand in between your legs to work your clit. Precise, intoxicating movements that sent sparks through your body. 

Your walls clenched around Kylo. He groaned loudly and nuzzled his face in your neck, tickling your skin with ragged breaths. "Cum for me, baby," he urged. "Cum on my cock."

If the sensation of his fingers at your clit wasn't enough, the new pet name sure was. You clutched onto him and came with fragmented cries and moans. 

He followed moments later, slamming into you and spilling his cum inside of you with a relieved, pleasure filled moan. 

You wrapped your arms around his neck and let the leg that was on his shoulder fall to wrap both your legs around his waist. He hoevered closely above you, chest to chest as you both chased your breath. 

You pushed a stray piece of hair off his piece. "I like the new pet name."

Kylo gave you a lazy grin. "Oh?"

You nodded and smiled back at him, your fingers playing with his messy hair. 

"Mm, guess I'll have to call you that more." He kissed your cheek and let his lips linger. "Anything for you, baby."

——

You were still adamant in your refusal to work for the First Order. That wouldn't be changing any time soon. But participating in this mission wasn't for the First Order.

This was personal.

The sorry excuse of a creature that ran Umbara's main doonium mine, Jido Grandal, needed to answer for what he'd done. No more children would sacrifice their childhoods to line that creatures pockets.

And in order to do that, the First Order needed to secure his loyalty and give Kylo enough authority to stop the children from laboring in the mines. 

You fidgeted as you walked down the landing dock, Kylo on your left hand side. Tugging at your shirt, feeling around for the lightsaber holster at your waist. Admitting that you were nervous to Kylo was off the table, but it didn't stop your mind from racing.

Kylo told you that Umbara was dark due to its lack of sunlight, but you'd really underestimated just how dark the planet was. It was pitch black, the only visibility coming from flimsy lights lining the pathway. 

You thought of Ushar having to live here. Living a childhood literally devoid of sunshine. Wasting that childhood away, forced to labor day in and day out for a pittance just to feed his family while Jido lived a life of comfort and luxury. 

The processing plant was close, massive and imposing at the end of the landing dock. Large and looming, solid black and massive.

In front of the building stood a man that could only be Jido Grandal. And he was even more bone chilling than the desolate terrain of Umbara.

Tall, slinky, and shrouded in expensive looking robes. Startling white skin stretched over an angular, bony face. Not just pale - nearly translucent. Makes sense considering the Umbarans were never exposed to sunlight.

But the part of Jido that made you recoil wasn't his nearly colorless skin but his nearly colorless eyes. Not a trace of color, even less than his skin.

"Master Grandal."

You and Kylo stopped in front of the Umbaran man. If it hadn't been for Kylo's body heat, you probably would've frozen under Jido's cold stare. 

"Supreme Leader." Even his voice was bone-chilling. "A pleasure to have you."

Nothing about this was pleasant.

"Please," Jido continued, "follow me."

He turned around and led the way into the building, revealing a an interior that was only the slightest bit lighter than the exterior.

He led into a conference room, painfully minimalistic. Almost empty save for the long obsidian table spanning the length of the room. The walls were charcoal gray, the floor a shade or two darker. The only thing that stood out in the room was an ornate, silver chandelier hanging above the table. Well, a doonium chandelier, to be exact.

"Please, have a seat."

Not that you were high maintenance or even abnormally picky, but you didn't consider chairs that felt like stone tablets to be a seat. More like a medieval torture device or a proponent of long term spinal cord damage. 

"Your General informed me that the First Order is seeking cooperation with my company," Jido said. 

His long, spiny fingers were clasped together and resting on the table. Good thing you weren't eating or you might've vomited.

"I'm sure you'll be happy with our operations here," he boasted. "We have quite the efficient process."

Oh this son of a bitch was going to be relieved of his fucking head the second I-

"Yes, I'm sure," Kylo replied. "However, I believe there need to be some modifications for this agreement to work."

"Go on," Jido said. "State your proposed terms.

Yeah, my proposed term is to cut your balls off and-

"A quarter of your production will be given to the Furst Order each month," Kylo said. "And the production will stop using the labor of children. In exchange, you will be guaranteed protection underneath the First Order."

Jido laughed. "With all due respect, Supreme Leader, the monetary value of your protection isn't even comparable with the monetary benefit of expendable labor."

Control your emotions, Little One. They have physical reactions. 

You noticed the lights in the chandelier above you were flickering. 

_You will have time to use those emotions very shortly, but you need to wait for my signal._

"The First Order is here on a courtesy, given the fact that you are seriously under-equipped in comparison," he said. "Your allegiance should be a mere formality at this point. And you compliance with eliminating child labor should be a pittance of concession as well."

You forgot that Kylo could speak so eloquently. Guess you were just used to the way he spoke while he was fucking you.

"Oh, but Supreme Leader, these aren't the days of the Empire anymore," he sneered. "Things have changed. Allegiance is not a given."

"Yes, things have changed." Kylo clenched and unclenched his fist. "I am in power now, and I am not nearly as forgiving as the Empire was."

Jido bared his revolting teeth in the form of a sickening smile. "Supreme Leader, I'm sure we can come to an agreement on this without any...drastic measures."

You cut in. "I'm sure we can, so long as every last one of these kids are released," you snapped. "That's an archaic practice that should've died with the Empire."

Jido shook his head. "That's not how business works, little girl," he said. "I would suggest leaving this conversation to the men."

You were practically itching for the lightsaber at your hip. "Since when has a conversation between men ever produced a solution? In my experience, it only produces war."

"Now, Supreme Leader," Jido said, turning his attention back to Kylo, "I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from. Forfeiting cheap labor would be an inconceivable business maneuver."

"Then I suggest finding service droids or an equivalent," you offered. "Far less liability and guaranteed efficiency."

Jido sighed. "Droids are far more expensive to purchase and equip than our current labor force."

"Labor force?" You laughed dryly. "You mean the children that are being taken advantage of here?"

Jido didn't miss a beat. "Yes."

Kylo remained silent and stoic next to yoy, drumming his fingers on the tabletop. He was utterly relaxed while you were buzzing to silence Jido for good.

"Surely you can understand that there is no way that I could agree to your terms," Jido continued. "And I'm sure we can reach a different, more profitable solution for both sides of this agreement."

Kylo's fingers stopped drumming the table. "Oh, I do have another solution in mind."

Kylo squeezed your knee. 

_Now._

The words had barely sounded in your mind before you had reached over the table and grabbed Jido by the throat.

You suddenly felt an uncomfortable pressure in your skull and Kylo's words from that morning came rushing back. He'd informed you that the Umbarans had mind control capability. 

But you didn't need to counter the oncoming intrusion in your mind before it receded. Kylo's outstretched hand was spotted in your peripheral, waves of the Force radiating from him. Looks like he'd already taken care of it. 

You unclasped your lightsaber from your belt and brought the hilt to Jido's abdomen, the unforgiving metal pressing right into his ribcage.

"How's this for a solution?"

Jido smiled, the sight alone enough to make you sick. "Ah, I see why Ren chose you as his conduit," he sneered. "If only there were more this feisty. I'm sure your type is incredible in-

"Do you remember him? Do you remember Ushar?"

You had no time for misogyny right now. And he'd be dead soon enough along with his sexist comments.

Unblinking eyes looked back at you. You tightened the grip on his throat. 

"Answer me!"

He couldn't give a verbal response thanks to your fingers pressing into his windpipe. He gave a weak shake of his head as an answer.

You dug the weapon in deeper. "He was a child," you hissed. "These are children and you can't even remember their names."

And then you watched his eyes widen as you ignited your lightsaber, that smile quickly fading from his blue-tinged lips. 

Only once the last bit of life had drained from his eyes did you removed your lightsaber and let his limp body collapse to the floor. 

He's gone, Ushar. Gone. 

You turned back around to Kylo. He was sat down again, legs crossed and hands resting in his lap. Like he was watching a show or something. 

You used your sleeve to wipe the sweat off your face. "Well I think that's taken care of."

Kylo chuckled from beneath his mask as he stood up, purposely kicking his chair backwards. "Problem solved."

The air of satisfaction and adrenaline practically floated you out of the room, Kylo taking his place at your side. 

Yep. Problem solved. 

"I'm sure he's got guards on standby," you said as you and Kylo began walking down the stretch of the landing dock. "Don't we need to take care of that?"

Kylo waved a hand. "That's already taken care of you," he said. "The children are being handled as well."

Smiling to yourself, you wondered if the person that Kylo had been before you met him would've done this. If maybe, just maybe, you really had brought about a change of heart in Kylo Ren.

You walked beside Kylo as you made your way back to the ship, the same way you had entered. It felt like a shorter, much more exciting walk this time. Lighter knowing that many children would be seeing a better world after today. A much, much brighter world. 

As you and Kylo approached your ship, a familiar First Order officer approached in the opposite direction. Lieutenant Mitaka if you remembered correctly. 

"Sir, there is a slight issue with the ship," he announced. "We believe it is electrical and are currently trying to override the blockage."

Kylo brushed a hand on your lower back. "Stay here," he said. "I'll be right back."

Kylo followed a perpetually nervous looking Mitaka into the ship, making the lower-ranking man appear infant-sized in comparison. Mere minutes passed before Kylo was emerging from the ship once again without the Lieutenant at his side. 

"There's an issue with the flying instruments," Kylo reported. "Should be fixed shortly."

"What's wrong with it?"

Kylo seemed slightly uneasy. "Not sure," he said. "Looks like something internal but we haven't figured it out yet.

You hummed in response and brushed some stray debris from your clothes. 

"You did very well," Kylo praised. "You should be very proud of yourself."

Blush crept into your cheeks. "Thank you."

Kylo removed his helmet and tucked it underneath his arm, revealing a playful smirk on his lips and a glimmer in his eye. "And I think a performance like that needs to be rewarded when we-

"Extraction is underway Ren."

You looked past Kylo to see Hux approaching. How did that man always looked utterly disgusted?

Kylo turned to look at him briefly, giving him a sharp nod. "Good."

"Quite impressed with you and your little pet project's efforts today," Hux said. "The new fleet will be able to begin construction now."

You opened your mouth to question him but decided against him. After all, the doonium supply would just go to waste if the First Order didn't extract it. A reward for the freedom granted for all those kids.

You glanced at Kylo. "And the children? They're being transported, correct?"

Kylo promised that the rescued children would be transported someplace safe and in caring hands but you wanted to make sure. 

"They're being transported to a location on Bespin pending further placement."

You internally sighed with relief. All those kids would finally have sunshine again.

"Let's not waste our time discussing that," Hux muttered. "That's not a priority."

You turned to face him and narrowed your eyes. "Well then what did we come here for?"

Hux laughed. "What kind of question is that? We came here-

Kylo cut in. "That's enough, General Hux. I'm sure you have other business to-

"No." You stepped in between Hux and Kylo. "Finish that sentence."

"The underground supply of doonium," Hux said. "Most concentrated, durable, and valuable doonium in the galaxy. What in the world did you think we were here for? Weren't you briefed beforehand?"

You stood there, silent and unmoving as reality set in. 

You'd been tricked. Tricked into working against the Resistance. 

Hux laughed, a shrill and mocking sound. "You truly are stupid," Hux chided. "You really believed we'd waste all these resources on your moral crusade?"

You shook your head and looked at the ground. "I was stupid to think that he wouldn't lie to me."

"I guess I shouldn't assume that you'd known the purpose of the mission," Hux sneered. "Pets just follow their master. Isn't that right?"

You lunged forward before you could stop yourself and and grabbed Hux's collar. Holding him in place by your grip on his shirt, you reeled your arm back and hit him with every ounce of strength you had. 

Hux crumpled to the floor as he cradled his broken nose and possible broken cheek bone and turned around, walking right past Kylo. 

You stomped past him, no destination in mind other than to get the hell away from him. He called out for you but it sounded faint compared to the sound of blood rushing in your ears. 

But Kylo quickly caught up with you, his hand clasping around your forearm and stopping you.

You yanked away from his touch. "Don't you dare fucking touch me!"

"I need you to just listen so I can-

"You lied, Kylo! You fucking lied to me and you tricked me into doing what I swore I wouldn't do!"

It felt like you were back in the hangar that day, standing in front of Kylo with both your lightsabers drawn. It was betrayal again. But more than that, it was disappointment.

"I needed to show you that the First Order is not evil like you think it is," he said. "Those children are free now, aren't they? And who is responsible for that? The Resistance, or us?"

You had no reply for that.

"You can do good with the First Order," he continued. "If you become loyal to the First Order, you can do things like this. Things that the Resistance doesn't have nearly enough resources or power to do."

"I don't fucking care Ren," you spat. "I care that you lied to me and did exactly what I was always afraid you'd do. You fucking used me."

Kylo took a tentative step forward. "That was never my intention, I don't want to use-

"Of course you do!" you shouted. "That was the first thing you said to me, remember? Using my ability on behalf of the First Order! That's exactly what you did Kylo!"

"I know, and I'm sorry," he replied. "That is not my intention at all."

He took another step closer and this time you didn't shy away when he reached for your hand. "I am bringing order to the galaxy," he said. "I want you to help me finish it."

For a foolish moment there, you almost leaned into his touch. Just about let the conversation dissolve like sugar in water. But then you got a hold of yourself. 

"No, Kylo, I told you that I wouldn't work for the First Order." His hand began slipping from yours as you pulled back. "I told you I wouldn't do that."

His grip suddenly tightened on your hand, his fingers clasping around your wrist. The look in his eye made your blood stand still. "You are still my prisoner. You do not-

The air raced from your lungs. "Prisoner."

You took a step back and gulped for air, realizing shaky breaths of disbelief. "Prisoner," you echoed. "You just called me your prisoner."

He seemed to realize what he'd just said. He placed his hands in front of him and took a step forward like he was trying not to spook a scared animal. "No, no, that's not what-"

Another step back from him. "You called me your prisoner."

He forcefully shook his head. "No, I didn't mean-

"After all this, you still see me as a prisoner." You could feel tears pricking your eyes, stinging and burning. "You said you loved me and then you called me your prisoner. Your fucking prisoner!"

"No, no that's not it. It's just more complicated than-

"No, Kylo," you spat. "This shouldn't even have been a discussion. My freedom being reinstated should've been a given."

"I get that, but-"

"No, Kylo! There is no but here," you snapped. ""I want my freedom back. I want to feel like an actual person again, not someone's property."If you actually love me then you'll give me my freedom. You said 'anything for me' and that means my right to come and go whenever I want. I was under the impression that my freedom was a given but apparently-

A massive explosion drowned out your voice and shook the ground beneath your feet. In the foggy, shadowy distance was the unmistakable flash of blaster fire. 

It was hard to see but the sound was a clear indication that some unexpected company had arrived. 

Kylo quickly replaced his helmet and pointed a finger directly at you. "You will stay here."

With that, he turned and left, stalking towards the cluster of Stormtroopers heading for the source of the commotion. 

Maybe he forgot that using Force-compulsion on another Force-sensitive rarely worked.

You moved in the same direction, surveying what little you could see. But in the corner of your eye was a fragment of a very familiar orange. 

The Resistance.

You'd thought that lightning couldn't strike the same place twice. You thought that you'd already been lucky to have them come for you once. Twice would've been impossible. 

But they were here.

A man jumped down from one of the ships. Even amidst the fog and darkness, you could still see that it was Asher. One of the men in the division you led, easily identifiable by his shockingly white hair.

More men followed behind into the dark terrain, splitting off in different directions. Asher moved closer towards you though he still hadn't seen you. But when he got close enough and he turned his head towards you, his eyes locked on yours and didn't budge.

Before you could process what was happening, Asher had his finger on the trigger and was firing round after round in your direction. In the fog of confusion, you managed to dodge the shots, deflecting a few with your lightsaber. 

One of your men was trying to kill you. 

"I'm Resistance!" you yelled to him. "It's me, Asher!" 

He hesitated for a second, and you thought he'd lower the blaster. But then he kept firing and you kept dodging and blocking the shots. The singe of deflected blaster fire barely registered in your confusion. Did he really not recognize you?

Asher kept shooting, face concentrated behind his poised blaster. The hail of blaster fire only stopped once you yelled out your name. 

Your real name.

He slowly lowered the blaster. you expected recognition to set in, fo him yo realize that it was you. It'd been months since you'd seen him. Shouldn't he be happy?

But there was no acknowledgment from Asher. He just lowered the blaster and raced off, dissolving into the darkness without a word. 

A succession of blaster fire and explosions tore you away from your thoughts. 

You looked around for any sign of Kylo, the red glow of his lightsaber. You spun around looking in all directions, searching for that burst of color. And you did find color, though it wasn't orange and it wasn't the glow of Kylo's infamous weapon. 

It was orange again. A scuffed up, oil-ridden orange jumpsuit. 

Dameron. 

There was Poe braced on the half-opened ramp of a ship, blaster poised and ready. Like the day in the hangar all over again. 

"Hurry up kid!" Poe yelled. "We need to get out of here!"

Poe looked panicked, more so than usual because of his surroundings. Neither you nor Poe were fans of the dark. At least not utter darkness. 

You were just about to take a step towards your favorite pilot when you heard the buzz of Kylo's lightsaber behind you. Even if you hadn't been able to identify the sound of his weapon, the look on Poe's face would've confirmed that Kylo was in fact right behind you. 

And again. you remembered that leaving with Poe meant leaving him. Leaving the man you'd come to love despite every odd. 

You saw an unmasked Kylo when you turned around, his helmet flung on the ground at his feet. Almost like he'd forgotten that his army was currently under attack. 

He moved towards you until he was almost within arm's reach. "Don't leave," he pleaded. "Your place is with me."

You shook your head. He lied. He lied and he tricked you and worst of all, he still called you his prisoner.

He said he loved you yet still called you his prisoner.

"I'm still a prisoner to you."

You took a step backwards, away from Kylo and closer to the Resistance.

"No!" Kylo yelled. "You can't leave. You're staying."

You took another step backwards. Not to move closed to the Resistance but to move away from Kylo. 

He didn't look like himself right now. Didn't sound like him either. He sounded cold and detached. Someone else was in front of you, not the man you loved. Not the Kylo you knew.

"I can't be your prisoner," you choked out. "I can't be a prisoner when I feel the way that I feel about you."

Another step back.

"No!" Kylo's voice was on the verge of cracking. "No, no, no. You are not leaving me."

Most of his expression was shrouded but you could see more than enough of the desperation. The pain, the heartbreak and fear splashed across his face that made him look like a young boy again. Like the young boy that was failed by everyone. His mother, his father. His uncle and teacher. Everyone that he was supposed to be able to rely on. 

Kylo's voice in your head usually wasn't painful. But it was this time.

_Don't leave. Little One, please do not leave._

A choked sob broke from your throat. 

_I can't stay like this._

His lightsaber dropped from his hand and landed on the ground, extinguishing on contact. 

_Stay with me._

"I can't," you replied out loud. "You know I can't do that."

Kylo's demeanor changed again as he shot a hand out and you realized that if you didn't willingly stay, he wasn't above forcing you to.

_Prisoner._

His words echoing like sick taunts. 

_You're still my prisoner._

You heard the explosion before you felt it. A deafening crack rang out in the dimly lit landscape and then you were flying backward. But there was no time to identify the source of the blast or to survey the damage before everything went dark.


	24. Not Once, But Twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is big time in his feels.

She smiled softly at him, skin glistening with water droplets and reflecting the low hanging, orange sun. The thin, light blue fabric of her soaking wet dress clung to her like a second skin. Water dripped from the hair framing her face and onto his bare chest. 

" _We can start over Ben_." Her voice sounded like a song, a heavenly chorus sweetly kissing his ears. " _We can start over, just the two of us. Leave with me and leave all of this behind_."

He stroked her bare thighs that were straddling his waist. " _Where would we go_?"

She smiled wider. " _Anywhere, my love_ ," she replied. " _We can go anywhere and everywhere, just the two of us starting fresh. Any of those places you told me about_."

She stroked his cheek with the back of her hand, leaving a slight tingling wherever her skin brushed his face. His eyes fluttered closed, focusing on the sound of water running and the feeling of her hand and the sun on his skin.

She placed gentle kisses on his jaw. Little butterfly touches from her soft, plush lips. " _You said you would take me to all those places, remember_?"

He brought his hand to her damp hair, threading his fingers through her locks. " _I remember_."

He could feel her smile against him. " _Where should we start then? Where to first_?"

Her lips traveled down to his neck, kissing and nipping just below his ear. " _Anywhere you want, baby_ ," Kylo said. " _Name the place and we'll go_."

She giggled quietly against his neck. " _I like when you call me that_."

She brought her face in front of his again and the ends of her hair tickled his face. But he was too busy looking at her to notice. How soft she looked. Gentle, warm. Inviting. His.

" _How about Naboo_?" she suggested. 

He smiled. " _You'll love it_."

She leaned her face closer, lips just barely touching his. " _I won't love it as much as I love you_."

He brought a hand to cup her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. " _And you can't love me as much as I love you_."

She giggled and he realized that spending the rest of his life listening to her laugh still wouldn't be enough. But forever was a start. 

Her lips finally pressed against his completely, warming him far more than the setting sun could. 

" _I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you know how much I love you Ben_."

-

His eyes burned as he opened them.

The dream bitterly faded, leaving Kylo alone in the silence of his quarters. He looked over to the other side of his bed. Her side of the bed. Empty, cold, the sheets undisturbed. 

Twice. He'd lost her twice now. 

But this time was worse. It hurt far worse knowing that it wasn't even her choice. It was just the universe's cruelty at play and an explosive that stole her decision away.

The explosion went off, throwing Kylo backwards and away from her. The force of his head smacking the ground swept his consciousness away in an instant, plunging him into silent darkness. It stole her away from him. 

If it had knocked him unconscious, it meant she'd certainly been knocked out too. Or at least incapacitated her enough to allow those filthy rebels to steal her away. 

When he came to, the smoke was clearing and she had vanished. And suddenly he wished he'd still been unconscious.

But Kylo couldn't lie to himself. Even before the explosion, she'd been leaning towards her former allegiance. He could sense the conflict in her, the scales tipping in favor of the Resistance. He watched her step back from him over and over again. Could practically taste her anger like acid burning his tongue. 

He'd fucked up. Fucked up so bad. 

He thought it would work. That she'd see how good things could be if she stopped resisting. Show her the good she could do, the way she could help people, if she stopped fighting. If she just admitted that she had outgrown the Resistance and realized she could do so much more with the First Order. With Kylo.

Kylo clamped his stinging eyes shut again, but it didn't matter - all he could see was her whether his eyes were open or closed. 

He tried to reach out to her, to feel for that Force signature he desperately craved. He tried every waking moment to connect to her, but he couldn't. That Force connection would not appear at his will.

He'd even looked in that fucking book for an answer, but there was nothing. He found nothing that would help him locate her or even contact her. 

Kylo had faintly sensed her Force signature, but it had been so weak and wavering that he couldn't be certain it wasn't just a trace of her energy lingering in his quarters. 

A dyad. Two that are one. Two people united as one in the Force, and yet he couldn't get in contact with her despite his best efforts. 

Snoke's voice was practically taunting him, that bone chilling cadence slamming against his skull.

_You're delusional if you think she loves you. You aren't worth loving._

Every demon he had tucked away resurfaced in the form of Snoke's voice. Taunting him, mocking him.

_She doesn't love you._

Maybe he was right.

_She never loved you. She lied._

He needed to get out of here. He needed to hurt something, someone, anything. He wanted destruction. 

Kylo hauled himself out of bed and out of his quarters, still wearing the clothes he had on yesterday. 

The few people Kylo crossed paths with scattered out of his way like their lives depended on it. And they most likely did. 

The sound of his boots slamming against the floor echoed in the hallways, functioning as an alarm for anyone up ahead to get out of his way quicker rather than later. 

Kylo's ragged breathing aggravated his shattered rib and pulled at his various sets of stitches. Severe wounds that he had been advised to take care of with bed rest, but Kylo disregarded that advice.

He couldn't help but worry about his Little One, wondering if she'd been as injured as him. If she was, Kylo would personally decapitate whatever fucking imbecile was responsible for the explosion. 

He stormed into the interrogation chamber, the same place he'd come to after she'd left the first time. The place he first met her. 

He stepped in front of the chair. Chest heaving, he ignited his lightsaber and led the rage run its course. 

His glowing blade sliced through the metal with ease.

He loved her, and she hated him. 

He blindly slashed at the already destroyed chair, swinging and jabbing at any piece of metal his lightsaber could find. 

In less than a minute, the chair was destroyed, shrapnel littering the floor, the smell of burning metal filling the air. It wasn't enough, but it was better than nothing. 

Kylo took a moment to catch his breath, staring at the remnants of his destruction. Destruction was the only thing he currently had control over.

Kylo extinguished his lightsaber and stomped out of the interrogation room. No destination in mind, just anything to keep him busy.

It truly seemed like the universe was mocking him when a red haired man appeared at the opposite end of the hallway. 

"Ren."

For Hux's sake, he better shut his mouth and stay out of Kylo's way. 

The Supreme Leader stalked down the hallway, staring right past Hux and pretending the General wasn't in his field of vision. If he had any brain cells left, Hux would take the hint and let Kylo pass.

"Ren, I need to have a word with you."

Guess his brain cells were on vacation.

"Now isn't the best time."

Just as Kylo was about to brush past him, Hux stepped right in front of his path. 

"A word, Ren."

Kylo was this close to snapping the red headed fucker's neck. 

"Make it quick," Kylo spat.

Hux straightened his posture and clasped his hands behind his back. "In the past week, you have sent nearly half of our forces to search for a worthless Resistance fighter," Hux said through clenched teeth. "We're wasting valuable assets trying to find some girl."

And yet they still hadn't found her. Not a single sign of her anywhere. Half of his forces, like Hux said, out looking for her and yet they had no clue where she was.

Kylo's breathing grew deafening within his mask. He peered down at Hux, mere inches from his face. "Your opinion has been noted."

Kylo moved to step around the General, but he stepped in front of him again. "It is ridiculous to expend all of these resources on some Resistance whore," Hux spat. "If you're really that needy then I suggest visiting a pleasure house or-

Kylo had Hux shoved against the wall with his gloved hand clasped around his pale throat. "Which one of us is the Supreme Leader?"

Hux didn't have enough airflow to breathe, much less to reply. 

"You or me, General Hux? Which one us is in charge of the First Order?"

Hux sputtered in Kylo's grasp, clawing at the gloved hand around his throat. He still was unable to speak, but Kylo could make out a faint 'You.'

"This is not a waste of resources," Kylo spat. "Leaving her in the Resistance's hands is a direct threat to the First Order. I suggest not questioning the reasons for my orders."

Kylo released the General with a shove. Hux gulped down air and clutched at his throat, weakly supporting himself against the wall.

"And in case you forgot," Kylo hissed, "my word is law here. I don't give a single fuck if you disagree with my decisions. My orders are final, not yours."

Kylo walked past a redfaced, heavily breathing Hux to return to his quarters. If it was even possible, he walked with more anger and severity than before, robes billowing behind him and heavy boots assaulting the floor.

That interaction with Hux had erased any sense of relief Kylo had gotten from destroying the chair. 

He followed the same path he'd taken before, weaving through hallways back towards his quarters. He was starting to realize that no matter where he was, he would just keep unraveling, so he might as well do it in the privacy of his own quarters. 

Kylo felt like he was about to combust as he barged back into his room. Explode, erupt. He was nearly hyperventilating.

The room was quiet. Suffocating, almost like the walls were closing in. He ripped of his helmet and threw it to the ground, letting it clatter and echo off the walls. 

He tried to bury it, all those feelings and pains creeping up inside of him. But it was venom spreading in his veins, the kind that made him feel like he was burning from the inside out. 

Before he could stop himself, Kylo turned around and smashed his fist into the durasteel wall with every ounce of strength he had. He was sure he had just shattered a few fingers, but he didn't care. Didn't feel it.

Everything just felt numb. 

You aren't worth loving.

He was just numb. So he hit the wall again, letting out a tortured yell as his fist made contact with the dented metal.

You aren't worth loving. 

Slammed his fist into the wall again. 

You aren't worth loving.

You aren't worth loving.

I am not worth loving. 

And he slammed his fist into the wall again and again and again until he couldn't feel his hand anyone and his knuckles had ripped through his gloves, sticky with drying blood. 

He kept his hand pressed into the wall, chest heaving. He squeezed his eyes shut and saw her face from that day on Umbara. It had been dark, so dark and yet he could see the pain on her face as clear as day. 

Betrayal. Hurt. Sadness. Disappointment.

You are still my prisoner. 

He'd made her feel like nothing when in reality, she was everything. 

Making her feel insignificant had never been his intention. He never even intended to call her his prisoner. But he panicked and scrambled for anything to get her to stay. 

He remembered the day when it all changed. The day in her room when she'd unintentionally pushed into Kylo's mind, saw what Skywalker had almost done to a young Ben Solo. 

She'd knelt down to the floor with Kylo, moved closer than she'd ever been. Far closer than a typical prisoner would venture. And she showed him a gentleness that Kylo hadn't seen in a long time. 

His Little One placed her hand on his cheek, cradling his face. She didn't mock him, she didn't judge him, she didn't shy away from him. She showed him sympathy and above all, she took the time to understand. 

That was when it all changed, when the energy between them permanently shifted. When it was no longer just an attraction, no longer a fascination. When Kylo decided that losing her would be the worst thing that could happen to him. 

And here he was, having lost her not once but twice. Kylo had lost her two times since the day he decided he would do anything he could to keep her with him. 

In short, he had failed. 

Kylo choked on a sob trapped in his throat, pressing his forehead into the cool metal. She wasn't here to cradle his face, stroke his cheek with her soft fingers. She wasn't here to tell him that it would be alright.

He sensed Ushar appear outside his quarters, no doubt to give him a report about Little One. And since he couldn't sense her Force signature, he knew it wouldn't be a good report. 

He heard his knight quickly enter, but Kylo didn't move an inch.

The Supreme Leader was weakened, but he couldn't bring himself to care if anyone else saw. 

"The base in the Illeenium system has been abandoned," Ushar reported. "She's not there."

Of course she wasn't. That would've been too easy.

"Then tell the others to keep searching."

Ushar said nothing in reply and Kylo didn't hear any indication that he was leaving. The seconds crawled by as Kylo stood there, leaning into the crushed wall while Ushar lingered. 

Kylo couldn't take the silence anymore. Silence was the absence of words, leaving vacancy for his thoughts. He couldn't take anymore emptiness. 

"What is it," Kylo muttered.

"Nothing, sir."

Kylo saw a lot of himself in Ushar. He regarded him almost as a friend, if people like him could even have friends. He knew the man well, so he knew that it wasn't 'nothing.'

He turned around the face his knight, pressing his back to the badly dented wall. "I know you want to say something," Kylo said. "So spit it out."

Ushar walked towards the couch pressed against the wall opposite of Kylo. He sat down and removed his helmet, revealing his close-cropped black hair and the tattoo creeping up his neck.

"What do you plan to do with her if you find her?

If? There was no if. If Kylo had to rip through this galaxy and the next to find her, he would. 

"I'm going to bring her home," he said. "And I'm going to make sure I don't lose her again."

Ushar sighed. "Master Ren, I...

"What," he spat. "Say it."

A beat. "Do you love her?"

"Of course I do," Kylo spat. "I'm not searching half the fucking galaxy just because I want to fuck her."

Ushar nodded slowly. "And you said you want to bring her home," he said, "but do you think she feels like this is home?"

"I can make it her home," Kylo replied. "If she just let me take care of her, I could make this her home."

"Master Ren, she does not want to be a part of the First Order," Ushar said. "You know she doesn't-

"I don't care," Kylo spat. "She is supposed to be here with me and that's where she will be."

A heavy silence fell.

"Her home is here."

She was home. The other half of him and she was no longer at his side where she belonged. If he had had any doubt about his feelings for her, they were long gone now. There was no question about how much he wanted her. Needed her. 

Ushar said nothing in reply. He didn't move either. 

Kylo cleared his throat. "Do you think this would've been different if I hadn't hurt her?"

He thought of the cuts and bruises left by his men under his orders, the way she had seized in pain as he sifted through her mind. 

"I think it would've been different if you had stopped viewing her as a prisoner," Ushar replied. "I think that was the main problem, sir."

Kylo nodded bitterly, letting his head hit the wall. 

"Things aren't black and white, especially during war," Ushar continued. "She would've done the same if not worse had the roles been reversed."

Kylo laughed dryly. "I'm sure she would have sliced my head clean off the first second she'd gotten."

Because she was skilled and strong and a fighter, stuck to her morals like nails in wood. It was what he loved about her and yet it was the reason she'd left.

"It's war," Ushar said. "It's complicated. That's why getting involved with an enemy is widely discouraged."

"I didn't mean to fall for her," Kylo said. 

But he couldn't bring himself to wish that he hadn't. Sure, it would've been simpler. Less painful. But he didn't want a world where he hadn't met her. 

"Why didn't you grant her her freedom back?"

Kylo glowered at his knights. "The second I do that, she leaves and never comes back," he snapped. "I'd be an idiot to let her out of my hands willingly."

And yet withholding her freedom had just pushed her farther away.

"You can't change whats already happened," Ushar said, "but you can change what happens next. And I think you and I both know that her freedom is the only way."

Kylo pressed his tongue against his cheek. "Do you honestly think she would come back if I give her freedom back?"

Ushar sighed. "I don't think it's a guarantee, but I think reinstating her freedom would greatly help," he replied. "But I am completely certain that she would never return to you as a prisoner."

"I just... I just need more time to trust her," Kylo said. "I need to know that I can trust her before I do tjat."

"We trust you because you trust us," Ushar said. "It has to work both ways."

"I just want to keep her safe," Kylo said. "She's only safe if she's with me. And I can only take care of her if she's here."

Kylo flexed his severely injured hand, wincing as waves of pain shot up his arm. It hurt like hell, but at least he could feel something.

"I thought we needed each other." Kylo took in a long, pained breath. "I thought she needed me like I need her."

"I think she does need you," Ushar said. "I think she needs you to stop seeing her as a prisoner."

Kylo's glared across the room."I miss the days when you were less honest," Kylo said dryly. "Much more agreeable."

Ushar smiled at him. "No, you prefer my honesty," he insisted. "If you didn't, I would've been tossed out of here the second I opened my mouth."

Kylo couldn't even bring himself to laugh, only able to offer a weak, half-assed smile. But then his demeanor changed with a creeping suspicion caught Kylo's attention.

"It seems like you're implying I shouldn't go after her." Kylo's eye twitched. "Does that mean you will not help me find her?

Ushar shook his head. "My loyalty will always be to you," Ushar assured him. "I will continue looking for her as long as you would like me to. But I urge you not to be rash about this situation."

Kylo gave him a curt nod. Ushar was right - Kylo had to keep a level head. Staying in control was the only way to bring her back. 

"I'll be leaving shortly," Kylo said. "I'll be back later tonight. In the meantime, you will take the others and keep looking for her." 

"Yes, sir."

With that, Kylo's most trusted knight put his helmet back on and left the Supreme Leader's quarters. 

—

It wasn't very hard to come up with a disguise when no one knew what Kylo Ren actually looked like  
beneath the helmet.

All he had to do was wear plain, typical, Batuu clothes and pull the hood of his cloak up halfway to be nearly invisible. Patrons of Black Spire Outpost walked past the Supreme Leader of the First Order and didn't even bother to look up. Didn't even know the Supreme Leader was within arm's reach.

It had its benefits, being able to strut around unmasked and blend in just fine because the people at the outpost wouldn't know the man under the mask. But the downside was Kylo resisting the urge to strangle every fumbling idiot that bumped into him or showed no regard for personal space since to them, Kylo was just another person.

He was being swallowed up in a sea of  
nobodies. Powerless people, painfully mundane. 

For a split second, he didn't find himself resenting these powerless, mundane people. He found himself envying them. 

It was tempting, the idea of some other life where he could just live like this, unidentified and unbothered. Away from all the chaos and war and politics and just with her. 

Then they're be no sides. There'd be no conflict in her between the pull towards Kylo and the pull towards the Resistance; it'd be futile.

It scared him how tempted he was to forget about everything he'd worked towards just to have her.

There'd be no point in gaining the whole galaxy if he lost her. All the power in the world wouldn't fill that void. What was the point of having it all if Kylo was miserable?

Kylo made his way through the Outpost, shoving past some revolting individuals and skirting around stalls selling different things. 

In just minutes, his eyes locked on the dingy, dilapidated shack tucked away from the main traffic of the Outpost and entered.

Shol Shubo looked up from the paper at the sound of footsteps entering. A half-burnt cigar dangled from his lips, smoldering and filling the room with a rich smell of tobacco.

"Kan," the older man announced. "Good to see ya."

Creative name, huh?

"Shol," Kylo replied. Well, Kan replied. 

"Been a while," Shol said. "How ya been?"

Awful. In pain, mental and physical. And emotional. Mostly emotional. Generally hating my existence right now. You know. Just fine.

"Not bad," Kylo lied. "You?"

Shol shrugged. "Same shit, different day."

Kylo hummed in response. Though he found the man agreeable, he couldn't find enough energy to really be interested in small talk. 

"Cabin's all good," Shol announced. "Had a small leak but I patched it up."

"Good."

Kylo reached into his pocket, pulled out another decent sized bag stuffed with credits and slid it towards Shol. 

The other man looked puzzled. "Lot more than usual Kan," he said. "What's this about?"

"I need you to keep an eye out for someone," Kylo said. "A girl."

Shol arched an eyebrow. "A girl?"

"I need you to ask around and find out if anyone's seen her," Kylo explained. "It's important."

"Alright."

Shol turned around and shuffled some things on the counter, turning around a few seconds later. 

"Here." Shol slid a piece of paper and a pen across the counter. "Gimme a description."

Kylo picked up the pen and pulled the paper in front of him. He started writing, gripping the pen tighter with each stroke. 

"You really fucked up your hand there kid."

Kylo glanced down at his torn glove, stained with dried blood. His hand was still so numb he'd nearly forgotten.

"Cut it while fixing my shuttle," Kylo lied. "Not that bad."

Kylo continued writing, ignoring the way his chest tightened as images flashed across his mind.

He wrote down her hair color, then flashes of her hair sprawled across his pillow raced across his mind. Eye color, then the way they widened when Kylo confessed that he loved her. Her height, recalling the way she fit perfectly in his arms that she was made to be there.

"Who's this girl anyways?"

Shol's voice scattered his thoughts. Kylo swallowed and concentrated on the paper in front of him. "Acquaintance."

"You know," Shol said, "I had a woman a few years come here with a situation like this. Except she was running from some guy and she needed me to warn her if he showed up."

Kylo stopped writing and looked up at the older man. 

"Why was she running from him?"

Shol shrugged and rolled the cigar between his fingers. "Guy was after her for some reason," he replied. "Crazy bastard trying to hunt the poor girl down but she clearly didn't want him to find her."

Kylo felt like he'd swallowed fire. He quickly finished scribbling on the paper, too quick for any painful thoughts to enter his mind.

He slid the paper back to Shol. "I'll be back at the cabin in a few days," Kylo announced. "If you hear anything or see her, I need to know."

"You got it Kan," Shol said. "Take care and get that hand fixed."

Kylo's injuries were his last priority right now.

-

"In the meantime, you will take the others and keep looking for her," Master Ren said. 

"Yes sir," Ushar replied.

With that, Ushar picked up his helmet and left the room, leaving a very weary and broken Master Ren alone. 

He'd never seen Master Ren like this. The first time she'd left, he'd been upset. On edge, short-tempered, distracted. But this was worse. Much, much worse.

He was distraught. A shell of the man he knew. He was no longer the Supreme Leader; just a man nursing a broken heart. 

It was clearer to Ushar why Master Ren felt so drawn to her. She was quite captivating, and had an uncanny ability to charm people through conversation without even trying.

Ushar couldn't lie, the images of Master Ren's girl's legs spread, moaning and whimpering as she came on Master Ren's fingers flashed across his mind several times a day. 

Ushar made a sharp right turn and entered the knights' quarters, heading towards the shared common area. 

The five other knights were sprawled out in various locations, helmets off but ready for departure.

Vicrul spoke up from his position on the couch. "What are the instructions?"

Ushar removed his helmet and tucked it under his arms. "To continue looking for Master's Ren's girl."

Cardo scoffed and arched an eyebrow at Ushar. "What? We already-

"Do not disclose her location," Ushar said. 

If Ushar had anything to say about it, him and the other knights would be the only ones aware of her presence on Crait. 

The five other men stared back at Ushar in disbelief. Three tiresome days of endless searching and here Ushar was telling them that they needed to continue searching, despite already having the answer. 

"You can't be serious, Ushar," Cardo said. "We just confirmed that she's on-

"We will not be giving her location to Master Ren."


	25. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re in our feels too. Lots and lots of feels.

You knelt by his side, his head on your lap.

" _I'm right here, Ky. I'm here_."

His eyelids fluttered, breathing shallow. You ripped away the blood soaked material of his tunic to reveal the gash. A deep gash, covered in an unnerving dark layer of crimson.

" _Open your eyes for me. Please, open your eyes_."

He groaned, tilting his head to the side. You felt the heat of his breath on your thigh before the sound of your name falling from his lips hit your ears. 

You could feel a tear sliding down your cheek and obscuring your vision. You extended a shaky hand, placing it over that sickeningly red wound. But you didn't care the his blood was drenching your hands.

You sucked in a sharp and painful breath and channeled led every ounce of your life and energy into your hand. Envisioning that wound closing up, revealing the perfect, unblemished skin that should be there. The skin your hands had danced across at night. The skin pressed against you every morning when you woke up. 

Minutes passed. You felt the energy draining from your body and dropping into his. 

_Almost there. Just open your eyes, Ky._

When you looked down at him, you found smooth unpunctured skin underneath your hand where it was a bloody mess just moments ago. Your eyes darted to his face, expecting to see him looking at you. Those honey amber eyes locked on yours. The only thing that mattered to you when he looked at you.

But his eyes were closed. And his breathing was shallow. Was it shallow? Was it even there?

You choked on a sob, cradling him as best as you could. And then a sob cracked your chest open and you crumpled over him. Shaking him as your entire frame rattled with cries. Throttling him to make him open his eyes.

" _Ky, please. Please just open your eyes_."

You kept shaking him, more violently with every second. He had to open his eyes. He just had to look at you and then everything would be ok. 

" _Please_!" Your throat was raw, your voice splintered with tears. "

" _Kylo, please! Kylo_!"

You felt arms yanking at your shoulders trying to pull you away. Poe was tugging you backwards, trying to detangle you.

" _No_!" you screamed. " _I'm not leaving him! He's going to be fine!_ "

You brought a hand to his dirt covered face, looking down at him through tears and debris. 

He looked so peaceful. Asleep. He was breathing. He had to be breathing. He would always be breathing.

You felt Poe tug at you again. You wailed and screamed even louder, clutching onto the body in your lap.

" _Ben! Please, Ben! B-_ "

~

"-en! Please!"

You thrashed and kicked. You were right there. You hadn't left him, you were right there.

"Wake up!" Someone else's voice. Poe.

Whoever it was, was right. He just needed to wake up. But he wasn't? Why wasn't he?

You felt Poe tugging on your arms again. You thrashed in his grip with renewed strength. 

"No! I'm not leaving!"

Thrashing. Sobbing breaths. An aching chest. Exhaustion.

"Ben! PLEASE!"

"Kid, WAKE UP!"

Your eyes flew open, tears spilling down your cheeks as your eyelids lifted. 

You looked down. He wasn't there. You were in bed. Still at base, still in your bed.

You frantically rolled over to see Poe's silhouette. His hands were on your shoulders, holding you steady as you flailed in the darkness. 

"Hey, hey, kid, you're ok," he whispered. "You're ok."

You didn't realize you were near hyperventilating. It hurt to breath. Every inhale was a stab of air in your lungs. 

You collapsed into Poe, letting the sobs run their course. Shaking and crying and clutching at the sheets while Poe stroked your hair. 

Time passed, though you didn't know how long. Didn't matter. Just time. 

Eventually, the tears dried up, sticky on your cheeks. The sobs faded out, leaving rough breaths in its wake. 

Poe gently detangled you and stood up, and you couldn't help but resent the absence of another person. You heard him fumble around on your nightstand and turn on your lightpod, an orange glow illuminating your room. Through your tear-heavy lashes, you watched him pad across the room and seconds later, you heard water running. And then he was back, sitting besides you again and rubbing your shoulder.

"Sit up, kid." He extended the glass of water to you. "I need you to drink this."

Weakly, you pushed yourself up into a sitting position and took the glass from him. You gulped it down, letting the cool liquid soothe the burning. Everything burned. Your lips, your throat, your chest. 

You drained every last drop until the glass was bone dry. The only thing left was your shame and distress. 

You couldn't even look at Poe. You'd woken him up in the middle of the night again. With vicious screams, flailing limbs. The sixth night out of the seven you'd been home. He'd think you were insane. Yelling out for your captor like that. Unable to tell reality from imagination. 

A hand moved underneath your chin, tilting your head up. Poe had that fatherly look on his face, an expression you'd seen him wear many times. More times than you could count in the last week. 

Poe must seriously regret having a room next to yours again. 

"I'm sorry," you croaked. "It keeps happening, and, and I can't-"

"Shh, I know." He placed some more of the sheets in your lap. "I know you can't help it."

But Poe didn't know what these dreams really were. He thought they were nightmares about Kylo finding you when in reality, they were nightmares about losing Kylo.

This dream kept happening. It was always some variation of Kylo's limp, nearly lifeless body in front of you. Just like what'd you seen that day on Attera Alpha. Always unable to be saved despite your efforts. 

"I understand, though." Poe squeezed your hand. "I know you can't help but have feelings for him."

You managed a weak smile of appreciation before looking back down at your lap. "Thanks."

"No, I really mean it," Poe said. "I actually understand."

You sniffled quietly and lifted your eyes to see a look on Poe's face you hadn't seen before. Slightly pink cheeks, lips pursed, eyes darting across your face.

He looked nervous.

"Is there something you're not telling me?"

Cheeks grew pinker. "I'm just saying, I understand how you can develop feelings for someone even though you didn't intend to," he explained. "I, uh, kinda have some first hand experience with it now."

Your eyes widened, a girlish excitement overcoming you. "No way," you breathed. "Who is it?"

Poe's lips twitched into a smile."Finn."

Poe had never specified what he looked for in a person, regardless of gender. So the fact that he was with a guy was no surprise. But you couldn't remember anyone on base by that name. 

"Finn?"

Poe's cheeks were bright red now. "You know," he mumbled. "Finn."

You looked at him with a confused expression until it clicked. Finn, as in the former Stormtrooper. That Finn.

"Oh my gods," you whispered. "Our souvenir 'trooper?"

Poe nodded sheepishly. "Yeah, that's the one."

Your jaw hung open. "No fucking way."

"I would've told you sooner," Poe said, "but you just got back and everything with..."

Poe trailed off and all but visibly winced. 

"Go ahead," you urged him. 

"What I'm saying is, I understand that sometimes you can't help what you feel," Poe continued. "That feelings can just happen with someone you never expected to fall for. Someone you probably shouldn't fall for."

You laughed dryly and fiddled with the sheets in your lap. "It'd be a lot easier if we could control who we fell for though."

"Just because it'd be easier, doesn't mean it'd be better, kid."

You pressed your lips into a thin line. "Not to be a pessimist, but I really don't think this is better."

"I know," Poe said quietly. "And I..."

He trailed off and took a deep breath, shaking his head. Poe was never one to sugar coat, never one to tip toe around things. But with this, you could tell he didn't know how to handle it. 

Neither did you.

"I don't really know what to say," Poe admitted. "I've never dealt with something like this. This is so.... so-

"Absolutely sick and twisted and fucked up?"

Poe let out a breathy laugh, giving you a smile that failed to mask his pity. Maybe not pity, maybe more like sympathy.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Pretty much."

"I don't know what to do," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. "I have no idea what to do with, with everything. All of this."

"I don't think anyone would," Poe replied. "And you shouldn't beat yourself up over it."

It was hard not to. You'd been rescued for the second time, Poe and the others risking their lives to bring you back. And here you were wondering if this was the right choice.

"The important thing though," Poe continued, "is that you're home and you're safe. He can't get to you anymore."

Odds are, Kylo probably could. He already was, establishing permanent residency in every waking thought you had. Fuck, even the unawake thoughts.

"Yeah," you agreed. "You're right."

You were free now, but the freedom hurt. You were free, but you were empty. 

Poe placed his hand on top of yours. "Do you want me to stay with you tonight?"

"Please," you replied quietly. "If you don't mind."

Poe smiled and shook his head. "Of course I don't mind, kid," he assured you. "I'll be here."

Poe laid down beside you, opening an arm for you to nestle against his body. He pulled the sheets up high, all the way to your chin. 

"You're telling me all about you and our souvenir 'trooper tomorrow," you muttered into his chest. "And I mean everything. Spare no detail."

Poe laughed quietly and wrapped an arm around you. "Deal."

—

The secluded area of forest you'd adopted as your training area back on D'Qar was much better than what Crait had to offer. 

Good thing this was only a temporary base before the Resistance relocated to a different, actually functioning base. Whenever that would happen.

You still weren't cleared for literally any physical activity, thanks to the two fractured ribs, sprained wrist and likely concussion. But as long as one of those pesky medics didn't catch you sneaking off, you'd be fine.

Wasn't there some saying about that? Like, if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, did it still make a noise? Yeah, kinda like that bullshit. 

If a Force-sensitive Resistance fighter, former First Order prisoner, lightsaber wielding woman sneaks off to go practice but no one sees her, did she really disobey her doctor?

Guess we'll never know.

You turned down the hallway, boots squeaking against the creaky floors. Not that you were high-maintenance, but this base was a piece of shit. 

It was near freezing in this barren, abandoned mine that was being used as shelter. It was absolutely filthy too, dirt coating the floors and filling every available crevice. Everything felt cramped and stuffed and could make practically anyone feel claustrophobic.

But it wasn't just the physical size of the base that felt smaller. You jut felt like you'd outgrown everything. The base, your role, the Resistance. Al of it.

You were free now, but the freedom was disappointing.

A flight of dirt-covered stairs brought you to the highest platform of the bunker, placing you at the entrance to the hallway that would lead you outside. 

Near the end of that hallway, you caught a glimpse of shock white hair walking in the opposite direction.

"Asher!"

He didn't turn around.

"Asher?"

You saw the briefest stutter of his footsteps, but he didn't stop.

Not this again. 

No more bullshit. After what happened on Umbara, you wanted answers. Now.

"ASHER!"

He finally decided to stop, probably because of the shrill sound of your shout echoing off the walls that seemed to be more like tin cans.

You walked quickly towards Asher, half expecting him to start walking away again. He didn't though, staying put until you reached him.

"Asher," you said again. "Care to tell me what the fuck is going on?

You stood directly in front of him and yet it was as if he were looking right past you. Right through you. Completely unfazed. 

It was like you were talking to a stranger. And Asher certainly wasn't a stranger to you by any means. Prior to becoming the division leader, you and Asher had belonged to the same training unit. And you'd still remained in close contact after you became a division leader since he was assigned to the very division you still led.

"Nothings going on," he replied cooly. "Not sure what you mean."

Your mouth fell open in disbelief. "Um, you've been ignoring me and oh yeah, you shot like ten rounds at me on Umbara!"

Asher finally decided to meet your gaze, though he looked at you with cold, unforgiving green eyes. 

"Didn't know it was you," he replied flatly. "It was dark. And it was only five rounds."

"Ash, that's bullshit and you know it." 

His expression flickered for a brief second. "As far as I'm concerned, anyone not wearing a Resistance jacket is an enemy," he said. "Especially if they're standing next to Kylo fucking Ren."

"Well I'm sorry for being held prisoner," you spat. "Wasn't exactly an ideal situation."

Asher rolled his eyes and moved to walk away but you grabbed his jacket and yanked him back in front of you.

"What the fuck is your issue?" You clutched onto his jacket with a tight fist. "Did I do something to you?"

You'd felt as though you'd been a good leader of your division. Allowing for equal weight of all members opinions, taking input from Asher and the others often. So you couldn't see that being the cause of his sudden bitterness.

He laughed dryly. "This is the second time the General has wasted resources to get you back," he spat. "All that effort just to rescue you."

Your hand dropped from his jacket, falling limply to your side as you stepped back. 

"Wasted?"

It didn't feel like a stab in the back. It felt like a stab directly into your chest, a knife twisting and tearing at you. Asher was someone you'd once considered somewhat of a friend, rather than just a fellow soldier. 

"You know, I don't know why we even bothered coming after you," he spat. "For all we know, you could've voluntarily stayed with that monster."

"That's, that's ridiculous," you sputtered. "I took Poe's place so he didn't have to stay a prisoner."

"Yeah, that's what you say," he said. "But I'm not  
buying it. I mean, how stupid do you have to be to get captured by the same person twice?"

You grabbed him by the collar. "I would suggest you watch how you speak to someone that outranks you."

He grinned. A shiteating grin. "It looks like Ren really rubbed off of you."

Chest heaving with angry, labored breaths, eyes boring into Asher's just inches from your face. "I'm not sure what has gotten into you Asher," you hissed through clenched teeth, "but I hope it sorts itself out extremely soon."

You released Asher's jacket from your fist and stepped back, taking a deep and steadying breath to calm your spiraling thoughts. 

Asher stepped around you and this time you let him go, no longer having enough energy to continue this. 

"With the utmost respect, dear division leader," Asher said from behind you, his voice dropping with sarcasm, "I think you need to stop thinking you're better than everyone. Because you're not. Not even close."

Your clenched your jaw and kept your eyes focused on the wall in front of you. "I don't think I'm better than anyone."

He scoffed. "Sure you so," he sneered. "You figured out how to make a rock float and now you think you're hot shit. But I think that-

"I think you need to fuck off."

You heard Asher chuckle again from behind you, closer than before. "And speaking of fucking, is that what you did with the monster? Did you fuck him so he wouldn't kill you?"

You couldn't stop yourself from spinning around and shoving him with all you'd got. It'd taken all of your self restraint to not to punch him across the face. 

Asher's back smacked into the wall behind him, the sound echoing in the narrow hallway. 

"Yeah, he really did rub off on you," Asher reiterated, slightly out of breath from the impact. "Maybe you should just go back to him and make it an even three."

"Enough!"

There may have been a small flicker of remorse in Asher's expression, but you weren't sure. Nor did you care. 

"Leave, Asher." You pointed in the direction he'd been walking in before you stopped him. "Fucking leave. Now."

He left without another word, the sound of boots getting quieter as he walked away until silence returned to the hallway. A stray tear slipped down your cheek but you wiped it away as quickly as it had fallen. 

"What was that about?"

At the end of the hallway, you saw Poe walking towards you, BB-8 on his heels. 

You sighed and dropped your chin to your chest, trying to regulate your breathing and calm down. Poe's question hung unanswered, but it didn't really need a reply. He already knew about your incident with Asher on Umbara.

"I heard yelling." Poe came to your side, BB-8 whirring by your shoes. "Was that Asher?"

"He hates me," you muttered. "One of the men I'm supposed to lead hates me, Poe."

"He doesn't hate you," Poe replied. 

"He just said that the General wasted resources bringing me back," you informed him. "That doesn't exactly scream love."

Poe's brows knit together, BB-8 squeaked from down below. "He said what?"

"He fought me, Poe," you said. "I've trained next to him and he pulled a blaster on me on Umbara."

He sighed. "It was only because he didn't realize who it was," he said. "He didn't recognize-

"That's the thing," you cut in. "He didn't recognize me."

Poe gave you a confused look. "Well yeah, it was hard to see and-

"No," you cut in again. "It was more than that. You know it's more than that. He just said I wasn't worth wasting resources on. He hates me."

"He's probably jealous," Poe explained. "You have something he doesn't. You're special."

"He shouldn't be jealous," you replied. "I never would've chosen this."

Terrifying visions of the man you'd accidentally fallen in love with dying in your lap, and you couldn't do anything about it. An ability you had that seemed to cause more harm than good. More responsibilities than you could handle and far more than you'd wished for. 

You took a deep breath and rolled your neck on your shoulders. "I just need to go cool off," you announced. "I'll see you later."

"You know you're not cleared yet," Poe reminded you. "Not supposed to be doing shit, kid."

"Noted, Dr. Dameron," you called back.

"I'm serious," he replied. "Dont over do it."

You turned around to face him and kept walking backwards. "Dont you have a ship to go fix? Or a traitor to blow?"

"Yeah, yeah, very funny," he muttered. "Just be careful."

A smile forced its way into your lips though you rolled your eyes at the pilot. "I will, Dad."

—

The smell of salt was strong, a bit refreshing even. 

A flat slab of rock was currently functioning as your seat in the crevice of flat land in the mountain range you'd acquired as a training space. From your seat, you watched the late morning sun slowly rising higher and higher.

Footsteps crunched in the salt from behind. Probably Poe telling you to come back inside or take a rest.

You'd been here for longer than anticipated, losing yourself a bit in your training. The same as you had the first time you'd returned to base after leaving Kylo. Purging yourself of your anger and confusion with strokes of your lightsaber.

You sighed, massaging your temples. "I'll be in soon, Poe, just give me a few more minutes."

"My names got three letters, just not those three letters."

You knew that voice. It wasn't Poe's. 

Behind you, walking across the white salt above atop the red soul, was Han Solo.

He was quiet as he approached you, the only noise coming from his boots dragging across the sand, revealing drag marks of red soil.

"That kid's a good pilot, but I'm still better."

You smiled. "He'll give you a run for your money in a few years."

Han chuckled and drew closer. "Mind if I have a seat?"

You nodded and he took a seat next to you on the flat slab of rock."Fuck I'm getting too old for this," he muttered as he lowered himself.

He was quiet for a moment, making you wonder why he had sat down beside you.

"So he got you twice, huh?"

You didn't respond, simply looking at the ground with downcast eyes. 

"When he really wants something, he definitely goes for it."

You laughed dryly. "I guess you could put it that way."

"You can thank his mother for that," he muttered. "She's the same way when it comes to setting her mind on something."

You smiled at the thought of Ben sharing his mother's traits. Han was right - Ben had that same determination and obstinance that made Leia such a good leader. 

"So what do I get to thank you for?" You gave him a quick glance. "If he got the General's determination, then what did he get from you?"

"His stupidity around women," he replied. He flashed you a wide smile, the crinkles around his eyes deepening. "And I would describe it more as stubbornness than determination when it comes to Leia."

Ben's smile looked just like Han's. His real smile, when it reached across his face and to the corners of his eyes. And based on your limited exchanges with Han, you could tell Kylo got at least some of his wit and sarcasm from his father. 

Han's smile faltered a bit, a more solemn look in his eye. "But he also got my other bad trait," he said. "Probably the trait that made him end up where he is now."

Your brows furrowed. "What trait?"

Han took a deep breath, clasping his hands together. "He insists that he's better off alone," he explained. "He thinks that it makes him stronger to isolate himself from the people that care about him."

Your thoughts fell back to the day in the hangar. Standing in front of Ben with a tear soaked face and a crackling lightsaber. 

Maybe you're lonely because you keep pushing the people that care about you away.

You wearily lifted your eyes to Han, taking in his expression. The look of a man that felt as if he failed as a father, nursing a broken heart for a son that denied he was loved. 

"But he didn't isolate himself from me," you said quietly. "Well he did when I first left, but not so much after that."

Han smiled sadly. "Same with Leia and I," he said. "I can't push her away. Trust me, I've tried, and it just made me more miserable.

"I thought going back to what I knew would make it easier. But it made it worse, losing my son and then choosing to lose my wife."

"But you came back," you protested. "You came back to her."

He chuckled. "Yeah, because it took nearly a year of being completely miserable on my own to realize that pushing her away made everything worse."

"If Ben is anything like me, he'll realize that too," he said. "Not quickly, but at some point."

A silence fell as you both sat there. You thought about what he'd said, mind reeling with the thought of Ben actually coming back. Coming back to you instead of plucking you from the environment he was running from. Finally budging from his stubborn deadlock with his parents. 

A question formed on your tongue, and you asked it before you could stop yourself. 

"How could you forgive Luke?"

Han didn't flinch, didn't even move a muscle. Surprising and unsurprising, given how laid back his demeanor was. But you knew it still had to be a touchy subject.

"Because Luke isn't the one to blame."

"How could it not be?" you blurted. "With all due respect Mr. Solo, Luke-"

"Mr. Solo? How fucking old do you think I am kid?" Han feigned offense, looking at you with an arched eyebrow. "Actually, don't answer that."

"Sorry," you replied with an apologetic smile. "Just a habit."

Han chuckled lightly and gave you a reassuring smile. But his jovial expression only lasted for a fleeting moment.

"How is it not Luke's fault?" You swallowed thickly. "He was the one who...

You trailed off. The sentence didn't need to be finished anyways.

Han inhaled deeply. "It's not Luke's fault," Han said. "It's mine."

You couldn't hide your incredulous reaction. "What? How was it your fault?"

"I never should have let him go to that temple," Han explained. "I abandoned my son."

"Mr. - I mean Han, you didn't abandon him," you objected. "You sent him to train with a trusted family member. That's not abandonment."

You knew what abandonment was. It wasn't this.

Han kept his eyes trained again but even from his side profile, you could see evidence of his grief etched into every crevice of his face. He was a man worn down by guilt and regret and more importantly, sadness for a son he clearly loved. 

"It doesn't matter if it technically was or wasn't abandonment," he replied. "All that mattered was that Ben felt abandoned by the two people that he was supposed to be able to trust. If I hadn't let him go to that temple when he was just a child, Snoke never would have been able to get to him.

"Snoke is the one to blame for this. He took advantage of Ben and preyed on his pain and fed those feelings of abandonment. But Snoke wouldn't have had anything to exploit if I hadn't let Ben go.

"Luke's split second temptation that he has never forgiven himself for isn't even close to what I did. I failed my son in the worst way possible."

A tear had fallen down Han's weathered cheek, streaking his stoic face. 

"You couldn't have known. You had no idea that Snoke would turn him."

"I knew it wasn't a good idea to send him," Han replied. "He was too young. Too impressionable. I should've fought harder to keep him home."

You were really starting to think that the Force was incapable of doing anything but harming people. Harming people like Han, a man who'd had his family ripped apart by it. 

The wind picked up slightly "Do you know why he killed Snoke?"

"No but I'm glad he did," Han replied.

"Snoke ordered him to kill you." Silence. "Ky-Ben refused and killed Snoke instead."

Han shook his head and sighed. "One hell of a teacher, telling your student to kill his dad."

A silence fell, the only noise created by the wind whipping around the jagged rocks.

"You've spent time with him." Han glanced over at you. "What...what is he like now?"

"He reminds me a lot of Leia," you replied. "He has that natural leader-thing like the General. He looks a lot like you though. And he's funny. You know, really sarcastic and snarky. But funny. And he was gentle. With me at least. Kind, actually. He saved my life twice. He's... he's got a lot of good in him."

A tear had fallen down your cheek now, hot against your skin. You were surprised you even had tears left to cry.

Han's eyes were glassy too, a few tears streaking down his cheek too. "Does he still like to read?"

You smiled softly, thinking of all the books he'd brought you, the nights spent sitting next to him in his big, comfy bed, and reading until the words got blurry and sleep closed in.

"Yeah, he does. He read almost every night with me."

Han sniffled quietly, using his jacket sleeve to dry his cheek. "I used to read to him when he was little," Han said. "Then once he learned how to read, he would read out loud to me before he fell asleep. Said he was too old for his old dad to read to him. You know, since he was five and a grown up."

You laughed, though it sounded like a cross between a laugh and a sob. You thought of a young Ben engrossed in a book, holding it close to his face and sounding out the words. Han sitting beside him, watching his son learn and grow with a face full of pride. 

Both you and Han sat there with tear-stained faces, recounting a version of Ben that you'd never known and another version of Ben, Kylo, that Han had not known for years. Hadn't even seen.

You'd felt empty the first time you'd escaped and returned to base. Cold, confused, empty. But this time was different.

This time was worse.

It felt like there was a physical hole in your chest. Wide, gaping. Unfillable. Every deep breath stinging.

But it was nothing compared to the emptiness felt by the man beside you.

-

The walk back to your room felt longer than usual. Your steps felt slower and heavier, like your legs were made of lead. And it wasn't just because of the physical exhaustion of your manic self-taught training lesson.

You had just stepped into the corridor where your room was located when a wave of pain seized your body. Like someone pinched your fucking brain and electrocuted you at the same time.

Then the pain slowly receded, replaced by a still painful tingling sensation assaulting your senses. You cupped the back of your neck and slumped against the wall, squeezing your eyes shut and willing whatever this episode was to fade. 

When you opened your eyes, you saw the dim hallway light flicker, too much for it to be just a figment or your imagination. 

The pain suddenly vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

What the fuck?

You shook your head and started walking again, hurrying down the corridor just in case that strange episode decided it needed a reprisal.

No grueling pain returned while your inside yourself off and put on fresh clothes, free of the dirt and sweat your accumulated. Most of your clothes hadn't made it from the base back on D'Qar but Poe, the saint he was, grabbed what he could and brought it with to Crait. 

A tingling returned along your spine, the hairs on the back of your neck rising. This was a sensation you'd experienced before. Meaning you knew what came next.

Out of instinct, you bolted to your nightstand and grabbed your blaster from the drawer. You spun around, blaster poised and sure enough, there stood Kylo.

"You can put the blaster down, Little One."

The sight of him brought every emotion you'd tried to bury racing to the surface. The anger, the sadness, the emptiness. The betrayal on Umbara, the hurt at his trickery.

You kept the blaster pointed straight towards him. "No thanks."

Kylo took a few steps forward. "You don't really think I would hurt you, do you?"

"I'm not sure what to think," you replied. "Last time I gave you the benefit of the doubt, I got burned."

Kylo took another step forward, holding his hands up in a sign of civility. "I just wanted to see you, Little One," he said. "That's why I forged the connection."

You lowered your blaster slightly."Is that why it felt like I got fucking electrocuted?"

"I had to forge the connection myself," Kylo explained. "That's why it had a different affect on you this time."

You glared at him. "Thanks for that."

He frowned, his lips pressed tightly together. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I just-

"You didn't mean to hurt me?" Your voice was loud, brimming with anger. "Are you fucking kidding me? Have you forgotten everything?"

Kylo stared back at you with bloodshot eyes, decorated with deep, dark circles. His face was pale, sunken and he looked like he hadn't shaved in days. To put it simply, he looked awful. 

His throat bibbed as he swallowed. "I know I have hurt you," he replied. "And I, I am sorry."

You slowly lowered your blaster and set it back on the table. "Thank you."

Kylo took another large stride forward, now standing directly in front of you, not even an arm's length away. "Will you - what the fuck is this?"

"What the fuck is what?"

He grabbed a fistful of your sweater. "Why the fuck are you wearing another man's clothes?"

You looked down. Poe's sweater hung loosely on your body, a dark green and also somewhat warm material. Poe had scrounged up a few extra clothes for you since you didn't have all of your own clothes and didn't have much in the way of warmth.

"It's Poe's," you replied. "Calm the fuck d...

Your eyes fell to the fabric gripped in Kylo's fist. It had just dawned on you that he was actually touching you despite not actually being here. Making physical contact.

It seemed like Kylo had just realized it too, his lips parted and eyes locked on the material being held in his fist. 

"How... how is-

Kylo grabbed your face in both of his hands and kissed you before you could finish your sentence.

You knew that you shouldn't kiss him back, that you shouldn't let yourself get drunk on his kiss. But he was warm and inviting and you felt yourself getting sucked into the temptation so quickly it made your head spin.

But then logic returned.

You placed your hands on his chest and shoved him back. "No, no, don't do this to-

"I know you're lonely," Kylo cut in. "I know you're-

"You don't get to tell me how I feel," you spat. "You have no right to tell me what I'm feeling."

"After all this time, you think I don't know you? Understand you, know how you're feeling and when?"

A tear streamed down your cheek. "I hate that you understand me." You glared at his tired eyes. "You shouldn't be allowed to know how I'm feeling."

"But I do know," he replied. "I understand you more than you think."

"But you're not good for me Kylo!" you shouted. "You've made me question everything I stood for, made me betray the very cause I swore to fight for! You turned me into someone I don't even recognize most days!" You tangled your hands in your hair, tugging at your scalp. 

"You did awful things and you hurt me so many times and I still can't help but love you!"

Your chest heaved with loud, labored breaths, eyes darting across Kylo's face. 

"I hate you," you spat. "I hate that I can't stop loving you."

Kylo cupped your cheek and you let him wipe away your tear. "Then come back to me."

You sniffled and pulled away from his hand. "It's not that simple, Kylo. I can't-"

"It is that simple. I love you. And I know you love me, even if you hate that you do. You don't need to be apart from me."

You shook your head. "You know it's more complicated than that."

"It isn't," Kylo insisted. "This is just about you and me."

"Kylo.." Your eyes flicked to his lips for a moment. "It's not just us. It's the Order, the Resistance, it's everything."

"Then forget about everything," Kylo replied. "I offered my hand to you once. I know you wanted to take it that day in the hangar."

You swallowed, knowing that he was right.

"Don't make the same mistake again," he said. "I'm offering my hand again. Take it."

"I would if it was that easy," you replied. "But-

"Please, just tell me what I need to do to bring you home to me."

Home. 

He shouldn't feel like home to you, but he did.

Before you could answer, Kylo grabbed both sides of your face with firm hands again. You shouldn't have kissed him back, again, but you did. Hands roamed over every part of him you could touch, lips pressed firmly against his.

You wanted to get lost in him. You wanted to be filled with him rather than this emptiness.

Kylo made you less lonely. Kylo made you feel seen and understood and like you weren't alone in this. 

So you gave into your wants and your needs. You gave into his touch and let him grab your hips and pick you up.

The kiss was passionate and heated and never wavered even as Kylo laid you back on your bed. He yanked your thin shorts and panties down your legs, discarded his t-shirt and moved to rest beside you, supporting himself on one arm while his other hand reached for the hem of your sweater. 

He pulled it off of you with ease, lips diving for your neck while his hand cupped your breasts. Massaging, squeezing, pinching your nipples between to fingers and tugging.

You moaned loudly and Kylo moved to kiss you again, covering your mouth with his. Your body was burning as his hand slid down your abdomen.

"Spread your legs for me."

You obeyed, whimpering as his finger teased the length of your slit. A feathery touch, much less than you needed. 

Finally, he pushed two fingers into you knuckle deep and began pumping in and out.

"Fuck," he groaned. "You're always so wet for me, Little One."

You whimpered and nodded, pushing your hips into his hand. Your hand threaded through his hair, tugging on it while Kylo fucked you with his hand. 

Kylo pulled out to rub your clit, eliciting an even louder chorus of moans from you. You spread your legs as wide as possible for him and gripped his forearm, while body tensing while Kylo stroked your clit in firm circles. 

Kylo buried his face in your neck and placed sloppy kisses, his breath hot and fevered against your neck. 

"I need to be inside of you," Kylo mumbled against you."

He pulled his hand back and climbed on top of you, positioning himself between your legs. Through your pleasure-filled haze, you watched Kylo tug his pants and boxers down, his cock springing free from its constraints. 

Kylo palmed his length for a moment and then sunk all the way into your pussy, a long and sustained groan tearing from his throat.

You cried out and wrapped your arms around Kylo's neck. And then he started thrusting in and out of you with no restraint.

"Gods I've missed you," he panted. "I've missed your tight fucking cunt and - fuck - I've missed you."

You'd missed him too, far more than you could fathom. You missed him, his touch. The shadow of  
safety he cast on you.

Kylo locked his lips on yours again, kissing you with that same desperate passion while he railed into you. 

He interlocked his hands with yours, pinning them on each side of your head. Holding you down and holding you close while he filled you up. 

You had to break the kiss to take a gulp of air, the familiar pressure between your legs slowly becoming overwhelming. 

Kylo pulled back slightly to lock eyes with you. The intensity of his stare increasing the pressure in your lower abdomen. He looked at you the way he had the first time you'd been with him, raw and vulnerable. Yours.

Your bodies melded together, feeling more like one unified being rather than two people. 

"Cum for me," Kylo panted. "Cum on my cock."

The Force began swirling and sucking at your clit, pushing you right over the edge you'd already been teetering on. Your eyes slammed shut and your pussy clenched around Kylo's cock as you came around him hard enough to make your head spin. 

Kylo followed suit moments later, slamming into you and letting out a string of profanities as he emptied himself inside of you. Hips jerking and cock twitching against yours walls, riding out his pleasure. 

He pulled out slowly, the hot liquid slipping out of you and into the sheets. Kylo moved to sit back against the headboard and pulled you to his chest, an arm around your waist. You let yourself exist in that post-sex oblivion, a blissful denial of reality. 

You clung to him tighter, pressing your cheek against his chest and sprawling your arm across his stomach. He wouldn't be here for long, and you wanted to savor this rare moment of peace for as long as you could. 

"I'm lonely, Ky," you said quietly. "I'm so fucking lonely."

Asher's hatred was still palpable, you felt like a burden to Poe, and you felt like a stranger in the Resistance. 

He stroked your hair. "I know you are," he replied. "I can feel it."

"I feel so alone and I'm so lost." You clutched onto him tightly. "I don't, don't know what to do."

He brought his hand under your chin and guided you to look at him. "I will take care of you," he replied. "Come back to me and I will fix this."

You stayed silent, searching his face while your mind raged in its own war.

"Just come to me," he said. "Please."

"You've broken my trust so many times," you mumbled. "How can I trust you again?"

His lip was quivering slightly. "Please, just come to me. Just us, I promise."

You sighed, your defensive demeanor softening. "Kylo, I don't-"

"Please, Little One," he cut in. "No Order, no Resistance. Just meet me on Batuu and we can talk about this."

"I miss you, Kylo," you breathed. "And I want this. I want you, but I don't want the Order."

"Then come back to me," Kylo persisted. "You can have me."

"I want you." You pulled your hand back. "But I need my freedom."

"We can talk about it," Kylo said. "We-"

"We shouldn't have to talk about this!" you shouted, weakly pushing yourself off his chest. "It's my freedom! It's not up for debate!"

Kylo nodded subtly. "I know. I...

He trailed off and looked at you with the most heartbreaking look you'd ever seen.

You cleared your throat. "If I were to come back to you, would I be free?"

Another chance for him to give the right answer.

Kylo hesitated for the briefest of moments, but he still hesitated. "Yes."

Your heart cracked a little. 

Kylo's hands held onto your waist tightly. "I need you to come back to me," he said. "Please, Little One. Meet me on Batuu and we will talk, I promise. Just the two of us."

"I want to," you choked, "but I...I don't know."

The connection was wavering; you could feel his Force signature receding. He placed a hand on your cheek, rubbing circles with his thumb. 

"I don't know the last time I've felt this alone," you confessed. "I have no idea what to do."

"I will take care of you, Little One," he said. "I'll be on Batuu in three days. Just come to me."

Those were the last words spoken before Kylo disappeared and you were alone again.


	26. A Blessing or A Curse

The events of yesterday had made it nearly impossible to sleep last night. 

Hours and hours of night came and went, barely half an hour of sleep relieving the burn in your exhausted eyes. By the time sunrise was just an hour away, you gave up and left your bed.

The nook in between the rocks that you'd claimed as your training space had become your personal reprieve, the only place on base that you could clear your head and blow off steam. The place you were currently approaching.

On the flat slab of rock that had become your personal seat sat a figure clothed in black. For a split second, you thought it was Kylo sitting there. But the dark hair you were looking was shorter than Kylo's, black ink spanning up their neck.

"Buckethead?"

"I thought we agreed that you'd call me Ushar from now on."

You almost started walking towards him until you remembered that Ushar still worked for Kylo and would have no issue serving as bait to trap you again. You drew your lightsaber and ignited it, scanning the area for more knights, afraid that Kylo was somewhere in the jagged rocks waiting for you.

"Relax, it's just me."

You warily looked over your shoulder at Ushar but didn't lower your weapon. 

"I promise it's just me," the knight added. 

You didn't sense any other presence near by, nor did you feel Kylo's Force signature. And you knew how strong Kylo's was when he was near. 

With one last scan of the area, you extinguished your lightsaber and sheathed it. Ushar was still seated in the rock, back still to you. 

"You can come closer," he said. "I don't bite."

He raised his arms, revealing that he was unarmed. He wasn't even wearing his armor, just a plain black long sleeve shirt and pants. 

You rolled your eyes but walked closer to him, sheathing your lightsaber as you went. 

Ushar, gentleman that he was, moved over a bit to give you room to sit beside him. "I know Kylo gave you orders to bring me back," you said, "so why aren't you putting a sack over my head and kidnapping me right now? 

"I spent a majority of my childhood not being able to come and go as I please," he said. "It's something I don't want to subject anyone else to either."

"So you're not going to force me to come back with you?"

"No." He glanced over at you. "Unless you would like to come with me."

You scrutinized him, looking for a sign of insincerity. The twitch of an eye, rapid blinking, a clench of his jaw. 

But no. You found nothing to suggest that he was lying.

"But I must warn you that my TIE fighter only has one seat," he added. "So you would be forced to sit on my lap."

You laughed at Ushar, his eyebrows raised suggestively. "Oh I'm sure you'd love that."

Ushar shrugged, his lips twitching into a devilish smirk. "I certainly wouldn't hate it."

You feigned disgust, eliciting a wider smile from him. 

"I never got a chance to properly thank you for what you did on Umbara," Ushar said. "But thank you. Truly, thank you."

"No need," you replied. "Jido needed to be gone."

"Yes, he did," Ushar said. "So I know that I speak for many when I say thank you for getting rid of my monster."

"And I'd gladly do it again."

A comfortable silence fell. The wind picked up slightly, whistling as it cut through the rocks and skimmed the salt beneath your feet. 

"I'm not ready to go back to him," you, breaking the silence. "I... I just need time, I think. Time apart and time to sort everything out."

"I know you're not ready," Ushar replied. "That's why I didn't bother choosing a ship with two seats."

You laughed quietly and looked down to your lap. "Is it crazy that I miss him though?"

"No, it's not crazy," he replied. "I think it's normal to miss someone you love no matter the circumstances."

You turned to face him, brows raised high on your forehead. "When did you get so wise?"

"Oh I've always been," he replied smoothly. "You just never noticed."

"Not wise enough to beat me at Dejarik."

"I let you win the first round," he muttered. "You're not that good."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Buckethead."

"How have you been doing?"

You peeked at him from the corner of your eye. "Honestly? I'm kind of a mess."

"I thought it was bullshit when people said love can drive you crazy," you muttered. "I should've listened."

"Love can definitely make you crazy, in good ways and bad," Ushar replied. "That's why Master Ren is willing to tear apart the galaxy to find his girl."

"But I'm not his," you protested. "I mean, I'm not his property. I don't belong to him like he says I do."

"In Kylo's mind, that is what love is," he said. "He does not see a distinction between possession and love."

Your brows pulled together. "What do you mean?"

"He is loving you in the wrong way, but it is his way," he replied. "It is the way he was taught."

"I know his mother," you said. "She never would've taught him that. Neither would his father."

"I don't mean his parents. I mean Snoke."

"Oh."

"I cannot tell you about his upbringing and childhood as well as Kylo himself can," Ushar said. "That you will have to hear from his viewpoint. But I can try to show you who Kylo is since I have known him.

"I told you before that Kylo was the one who freed me from the mine," Ushar said. "He also freed every other child that I worked with as well.

"I was like you," he said. "I was not aware of my Force-sensitivity until Master Ren found me. He had sensed it before I did, which is why he found and me took me to join his other knights.

"Master Ren was a completely different person under Snoke's guidance," he said. "I couldn't even remember the last time he smiled prior to your arrival."

Really pulling at the heartstrings, Buckethead. 

"Snoke warped his idea of what love is," Ushar continued. "Snoke made him who he is."

Ushar paused, his throat bobbing as he swallowed.  
"Jido was my monster," he whispered. "Snoke was Master Ren's."

Ushar's words fell heavy on you, anchors in your chest threatening to pin you to the ground. 

"At least both of them are gone," you replied weakly. "They can't harm anyone anymore."

"They are," Ushar agreed. "But the damage they caused does not die with them."

These monsters cause harm from behind the grave.

A loud sigh emptied your lungs. "Kylo wants me to come to Batuu."

"Oh? He managed to manufacture the bond?"

"Yeah," you replied. "Had he been trying?"

"Relentlessly. It was quite difficult, since he used an ancient Sith ritual," he replied. "Very intricate process that is highly discouraged and near impossible."

"Yeah well it hurt like a bitch on the receiving end," you muttered. "I thought my brain was collapsing."

Ushar chuckled at that. 

"Maybe it is collapsing, actually," you continued, "because a part of me actually wants to go meet him on Batuu."

"If you truly want to see him and want to go to Batuu, then I think you should," Ushar said. "I don't think that's unreasonable."

"Before, I didn't think Kylo would be capable of lying to me," you said. "But he lied to me on Umbara. How do I know he's not going to trick me again?"

"Well," Ushar said, "what is your gut telling you? Do you think he is being genuine?"

You paused for a second and then nodded. "Yes."

"Then I think there's your answer."

You looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, the realization that Ushar was disobeying direct orders hitting you with a fresh wave of shock.

"In all seriousness," you said, "why are you doing this?"

"I owe Master Ren my life and I will forever be indebted to him," he said. "Which is why I am trying to save him from ruining a very good thing he has."

You hummed in reply, looking forward again. The sun was just beginning to fully rise, the tide of orange light sneaking closer and closer.

"I believe that you want to understand Master Ren," Ushar said. "Is that still true?"

"Yes."

"If you want to understand him," Ushar said," you need to look at his past and his upbringing. Who he is, why he is the way he is."

"I'm afraid I won't be able to stay and help you do that, but I believe you'll be able to find your answers on your own."

You smiled wryly. "I'm sure I can manage that."

Ushar returned a smile and gave your knee a gentle pat before standing up.

"I'm sure I'll be seeing you again some point down the line," Ushar said, "but goodbye for now, Miss Ren."

Ushar flashed you a devious smile before he started walking away.

"You know I hate that."

"Oh, I know," he called over his shoulder. "That's why I said it!"

You rolled your eyes, fighting the smile tugging at your lips but failing. Damned buckethead. 

Something caught your attention from the corner of your eye. You looked down to the seat Ushar had just vacated to find a small book resting on the flattened rock.

You picked up the weathered book and looked back towards Ushar. "Hey, you left this."

He just kept walking.

"No, I didn't."

—

_Chewie gave me this book and told me to write in it. He said that when I came home, I could read it to him so he'd known about all my adventures. I promised him that I would._

_I'm going to miss him a lot._

_I scared Mama again yesterday. I got frustrated and then one of her lamps shattered. It broke because of me, but I don't know how. Dad said it was because of my special talent. That's why they're sending me away._

_I leave in a few days. I don't want to, but Mama said it'll be good for me. And I get to stay with Uncle Luke too._

_I don't know how long I have to stay there for. Hopefully not long. I like Uncle Luke but I'm going to miss Mama and Dad, even though they're not around much._

~

There was more written in that entry, though you had to stop and collect yourself. A pang of sadness latched onto your chest, a young Kylo's loneliness and feeling of abandonment practically tangible through the page. Yet another thing that made you snd Kylo similar. 

It occasionally slipped your mind that Kylo had only been ten years old when he started training under Luke. Away from his family, his childhood home. Just a boy.

You flipped ahead in the journal, landing on a random page written later on. Three years later, actually. Kylo's handwriting more precise with a few years gone by.

_Dad told me to wait until I found someone that I trusted. Someone that made my heart race, not just the first girl I saw._

_But when I find someone, he told me to be gentle too, that she would be in pain at first. He told me to be extremely patient and gentle with her, make sure she was comfortable. He said it was important to look into her eyes too and let her know that she was safe._

_Dad snuck me a magazine about it and told me not to tell Mom, because of the pictures. Mom wasn't happy about it because the girl on the cover was missing a shirt._

_She also said that I was too young for Dad to be telling me about this, but he said that I was almost a man since I'm thirteen. Mom disagreed, but I'm on Dad's side._

_I wonder when I'll meet someone I like. Maybe I'll meet someone I love the way Dad loves Mama. I don't know when that's supposed to happen, but I hope it happens someday._

~

The page was now decorated by a few tear drops. 

You thought back to that first night with him, how gentle he'd been with you. How patient and kind he'd been knowing you were inexperienced. The way he erased your fear of being touched for the first time, eased your worries and made you feel safe.

You remembered the way he looked into your eyes that night. Looking, really looking at you. Looking at the person within, not just the physical.

A brutal ache stung your heart at the first sentence. 

He trusted you enough to be his most vulnerable with you, to share something so intimate and personal with you. 

You flipped further into the journal, presumably years worth of writing. The time measured by the change in his handwriting and the condition of the pages.

The entry you settled upon was written by an eighteen year old Kylo, just on the verge of adulthood.

_Do you know what people do when they're afraid? Do you know what they do when they think someone is irredeemable? If their soul is gone?_

_They get rid of them. They leave them. They make them someone else's problem. They send them away._

_That's why they sent me away._

_If they tried to hide it, they failed miserably. I could see it every time I looked into their eyes and realized that they were looking back at a son they didn't want._

_They look at me like I'm an explosive about to detonate._

~

You'd spent hours just staring at the journal, debating whether or not to read it. It felt like an invasion of Kylo's privacy, but you knew Ushar had good reason to leave it behind with the intention of you reading it.

After pacing back and forth across your room for a perhaps unhealthy amount of time, you had given in and grabbed the journal. 

Ushar was right that you needed to understand Kylo's childhood to understand him. And words directly from a young Kylo himself, written as he grew up, was the ideal source.

You wanted to continue reading. It was as close to hearing Kylo's voice as possible, and it was the best way to learn how he works better than you already knew. But you would have to wait. 

You tucked the book away in your nightstand and left your room, stepping out into the dimly lit hallway. You'd been avoiding talking to the General since you'd gotten back, not really in the mood for a heart to heart. 

The second heart to heart for the same reason.

You made the journey into the central cavern of the base. It was the main hub, where meals were eaten and meetings were held, and a private, secluded living room for the General. 

The door leading to the General's room was closed as you approached, though a sliver of orange light at the bottom of the door was visible.

Voices rang from inside the room. Not that you were eavesdropping. The cavern was just a natural sound-enhancer.

You detected two voices, one clearly the General's and one belonging to a man. For a moment, you thought it might be Han.

"There can be no temptation on her part," the male voice said. "The future of the Jedi is in her hands. Her getting through to Ben is pretty much our only hope. But it would be catastrophic to send her back there if there's any leaning to the Dark Side."

Not Han. Not just any man's voice. 

Skywalker.

You bust through the door before you could stop yourself. "Are you of all people seriously questioning my morality?"

All sense of decorum had vanished from you at the moment. All you saw was red, all you felt was anger looking at Luke Skywalker, stalking towards him with pure fury.

Leia snd Luke both turned to look at you, understandably surprised at your disruptive entrance.

Luke had an apologetic look on his face as you approached. "No, I don't doubt your morality," he replied. "I just know how strong the pull of the Dark Side can be-

You took a step forward. "So is that why you almost killed your nephew, huh? Gonna blame it on the fucking Dark Side?"

Luke winced, though it wasn't because of your voice. "No. That was my fault. Just mine."

You faltered, Ushar's words from earlier echoing in your mind. 

Snoke made Kylo Ren.

Han had said something similar. He had placed the blame on himself, not Luke.

But you were still having a real hard time not blaming the man in front of you. 

"I don't know what made you think that you know me, but you don't," you seethed. "I spent more time with Kylo than anyone and not once did I consider giving into the darkness."

You'd seen what it had done to Kylo and it would be the last thing you would ever let happen to yourself.

Luke took a step forward. "Just let me-

"You can talk to her later," Leia cut in. "Not now."

Luke flashed you an apologetic look - one you did not return - before leaving at Leia's request.

You let out a heavy breath when the door shut. "I'm so sorry, General. That was completely out of line."

"No. It wasn't," she replied. "And star's sake child, I think we've established that you should just call me Leia."

"I'm still sorry," you said quietly. "I didn't mean to lose control like that."

Swearing at your superior's sibling didn't seem like an excellent thing to have done. 

"Don't apologize," she said. "You've been through...a lot. It is perfectly understandable."

You gave her a weak smile and mumbled your thanks, fidgeting with the hem of your shirt. It's not that the General made you nervous. But she was also the mother of the man you loved, and a lot had changed since you'd last spoken.

"Come." Leia tenderly reached for your wrist. "Sit with me."

She led you to the table, taking a seat on one of the stools, gesturing for you to take the seat across from her. 

It's like Deja-vu.

"I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you since I've been back," you started. "I know I should've."

Truth is, you'd been somewhat dreading this conversation. You tended to deal with things by pushing them out of mind, not by dredging them up and processing it. It was natural instinct to hold things inside. When things, those nasty, tricky emotions were inside, you could control them. On the outside, it was uncertain.

"I wouldn't have expected you too," Leia said. "You were badly injured. Physically and emotionally, I'm sure."

Well that was the fucking understatement of the year.

"I'm doing better," you lied. "The medics took good care of me."

She gave you a tight lipped smile. "Why don't you tell me about it," she said. "Your time with him. The second time."

You sighed, long and heavy, and started your story of what had happened since you'd seen her last. 

Coruscant, training, Umbara. All of it.

The way Kylo had saved your life on Coruscant, running to your side after some maniac with a rusty shank had decided to stab you.

What he had taught you in training, how much you had improved with just a limited amount of training. Your skills were that of a much more experienced Force-user, all because of Kylo.

You told her how he had confessed that he loved you, the day he'd returned from whatever mission he had been out on. And how you reciprocated the feeling.

You explained your involvement with the mission on Umbara, assuring her that you hadn't changed loyalties. You told her about Ushar and his story, the reason behind your actions. A moral, personal motive, not support of the First Order. Well, not knowingly at least.

Then you told her why things had gone south that day, how Kylo had lied and you'd been tricked. The heartbreak when he called you his prisoner after everything that had happened. After he had stood in front of you and confessed that he loved you, he still called you his prisoner. 

The General was an intent listener as you spoke. It emboldened you to admit that you felt safe with him, felt a certain degree of peace in his presence. You admitted that Kylo had come to feel like home.

You told her that if you had crossed paths with Kylo under different circumstances, nothing could have made you happier than to be with him. 

And yet even in these circumstances, you still felt so tempted, so drawn to staying with him despite the obvious complications. 

"If he hadn't called me his prisoner, I think...I think I would have stayed," you admitted. "I know that's insane and wrong but it's the truth."

"It's not insane," Leia assured you. "I understand."

You pursed your lips together. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, dear."

"Can the Force predict things?"

You felt your stomach sink just at the thought of it. If the Force could predict things and that was the cause of your nightmares, was the Force predicting Kylo's death?

She thought for a moment, eyes fixed on you. "I sensed Ben's death at the end of my training with Luke," she explained. "That's why I stopped."

You perked up. "So it wasn't set in stone, right? It was only if you continued training?"

"I believe so."

Two paths and two outcomes. 

One path led to tragedy, the other to hope. But you didn't know what each path was, nor did you know how to find it.

"Why do you ask?" Leia gave you a concerned look. "Did something happen?"

"When Kylo was training me, I had these visions," you said. "At least, I think they were visions."

Leia leaned forward, her forehead creased in concentration. "Go on."

"Kylo was training me in meditation," you explained. "It would start like normal, and then I'd see things. As if they were right in front of me. Like I was there, in whatever place it was."

"What did you see?"

"There were these two men that I didn't recognize," you replied. "Well, one that I didn't recognize. Oh, and Kylo was there."

"Who was the man you recognized?"

You swallowed and fidgeted in your seat. "I think it was your father."

She didn't seem particularly affected by that. "And there was another person that you didn't recognize?"

"He wasn't familiar," you replied. "But he wore Jedi robes. Brown hair, a beard."

Leia nodded thoughtfully. "And what happened in these visions?"

You swallowed thickly. "Well, I saw Ben standing in front of me, unharmed," you replied. "But then it also showed me Kylo severely injured. Critical condition, lots of...just tons of blood."

Tears pricked your eyes, that same helpless feeling you'd experienced during those visions resurfacing. Bubbling like acid, scorching and burning as it rose. 

"And the man, the one in the robes, just said some ominous stuff about two paths and two outcomes." Your words were rushed, clambering together. "I, I don't really know what it meant but, but I know that I couldn't help him when I tried to."

Leia stretched her arm outwards, placing her soft, weathered on yours. "I think you do know what it means, dear."

If Kylo did not come to the light, he would die. That is what it means.

You took a shaky breath, willing the sobs to remain trapped in your chest.

"I want to fix this," you said. "I want to bring him back but that's easier said than done. It's a steep task and I'm honestly not sure that I'll be able to."

"Well, Unit leader, I can say with absolute certainty that you are the most qualified fighter I've ever led."

You smiled. "I'm sure half of this base could outfight me."

"A good fighter is not determined by their physical skill or their ability to outplay others," she said. "A good fighter is someone who keeps fighting for what they believe in."

You believed in a lot of things. You especially believed in the man you'd fallen in love with. 

Leia clasped her hands and placed them on the table. "Do you mind if I share something with you?"

You nodded. "Please."

"I did not appoint you to lead your unit because of your accuracy with a blaster or hand-to-hand skills," she said. "I appointed you because you embody the traits of a true leader.

"Don't get me wrong, your physical skills are beyond impressive," she clarified. "But that was not the driving factor in my decision.

"You are the first person I have promoted to such an important position in such little time," she said. "I have never appointed a unit leader with less than a year in active duty.

"And you can't accuse me of nepotism," Leia added. "I appointed you before you had any connection to my son. You have skills that are rarely seen."

"Thank you, General," you replied, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "I don't say it enough but I am extremely grateful for being given my position."

"Earned, not given."

"Earned," you repeated.

She tilted her head to the side a bit. "I can tell that you don't fully believe me," Leia said, "but I am being sincere. I'm not in the business of buttering people up for no reason."

"I know," you replied with a gentle laugh. "I just have a hard time believing that anyone could think that highly of me, you know. It's...not something I'm very used to."

Leia's smile widened. "Then let me go at this a different way," she said. "The strife and pain surrounding my son had not wavered since he became Kylo Ren. That was, until, he met you.

"And that, my child, is a skill that cannot be taught," she said. "That is something that is within a person from birth. Compassion, that is. A trait that I believe is absolutely crucial to be a leader. You are strong and firm but you are not cold or cruel and that is what makes all the difference."

"Thank you, Leia." Your eyes were watery, though they weren't out of sadness. "That means more to me than you know."

"I mean every word of it," she said. "And I can prove it. Prior to your first capture, before any of this happened, I had decided to have you lead a task force to find my brother."

Your eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes. I knew you were the only person that would be able to convince him."

"Wait," you blurted. "You knew I was Force sensitive?"

"Somewhat," she replied. "I could sense...something about you. I thought it might be Force sensitivity but I wasn't sure until Luke confirmed it.

"But even before it was confirmed, I knew you were my best chance at bringing him back." She paused, holding you gaze with a solemn expression. "Just as I do now. With Ben.

"And I was right with Luke, in a way," she added. "He returned because of you, and you never even had to find him. He sought you out first. 

"And if you managed to bring my brother back, a man that did not want to be found, I am very confident that you could sway Ben."

"So Luke really thinks I'm the best shot at this?"

"Yes, and so do I," she replied. "I am not a pessimist but I am a realist. The reality is, we will not win this war unless Ben wins his own war."

"You have a way about you," she explained. "A kind of natural leadership. It's rare and it's refreshing to see that in someone as young as you. It's a gift, really. But with great gifts come great responsibilities."

Some people seemed to be dealt much easier purposes in life. Gifted with safer, less complicated gifts and characteristics that allowed them to skate under the radar.

You weren't one of those people though, and you had yet to determine whether that was a blessing or a curse.


	27. Star-crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: there is eating/not finishing a meal in this chapter. not sure if this counts as a tw but i want to make sure everyone is aware. proceed with caution if this may affect you.

Kylo was placing a lot of trust in your ability to sense his Force signature. 

No coordinates, no general description. No idea what you were looking for.

You trudged through the mud-covered forest floor, stepping over fallen logs and avoiding holes in the ground.

His signature had been strong enough to lead you to the edge of this thick, wooded forest, and you were praying it would be strong enough to lead out of the mud and into Kylo's presence. 

Behind you, the sound of a twig snapping broke the silence. You spun around with your blaster in hand, finger on the trigger in less than a second. 

"I'm starting to forget the last time you saw me and didn't immediately point a blaster at my head."

Kylo stood opposite of you, clad in a black cloak quite similar to yours. Tall and imposing as usual, but sparked a warmth in your chest. Like coming home after a long trip away.

"I didn't know it was you," you replied. "Sorry."

You holstered your blaster and pulled the hood of your cloak down, letting it fall to the back of your neck.

Kylo mimicked you, pulling his hood away and revealing his face to you. In the days since you'd seen him, he'd grown a little bit of facial hair, evidence of a few unshaven days.

His throat bobbed as he swallowed. "You came."

You made a show of pinching your arm. "Either that or this dream feels extremely real."

"I'm glad you came," he said. "I didn't think you would."

"I didn't think I would either," you replied honestly. "But obviously, I did."

He stood still for another quick moment, just looking at you, and then his cloak was billowing slightly in the wind as stepped forward. Your breath was hitching in anticipation of being so close to him after this long. In person, not through a wavering Force connection. 

But he didn't stop in front of you. Instead, he gestured for you to follow him and started walking.

You walked by his side as he led you to the still unknown destination. You'd occasionally look down at his gloved hand swinging at his side, just a hairsbreadth from yours. Several times, you considered taking his in yours. 

It wasn't long before what looked like a cabin came into view, tucked away in a clearing of trees. Barely visible in the dimming daylight and shrouding of greenery. 

"What's this?"

"My cabin."

You glanced over at Kylo. "Yours?"

He met your gaze. "Yes, my cabin," he replied. "Did you think I was going to bring you to someone else's cabin?"

"Wouldn't put it past you."

Kylo laughed dryly and gestured for you to follow him into the cabin. His cabin, apparently. 

Who knew the Supreme Leader had a secret hideout?

 _Hmm, maybe Hux had a cave on Hoth._

Kylo opened the door for you to walk in. You stepped over the threshold and into the much warmer cabin, grateful to have escaped the slight wind chill. 

You weren't sure why, but part of you expected this cabin sterile and colorless like the Finalizer. But it wasn't, not even close. 

The space was the definition of cozy, full of warm tones and earthy colors. Very unlike the First Order's color palette, and not exactly the style of interiors you'd expected Kylo to choose. But it was a welcomed surprise.

"Take a seat," Kylo said. "I have something to show you."

"I thought it was just to show me the cabin?"

"I didn't drag you all the way out here just to show you a cabin."

You shrugged and took a seat at the wooden table. Kylo came over and extended his arm to you, a book in his hand. You cautiously took it from him.

"What's this?"

You'd seen Jedi texts before. Luke had given you a few to look through when you'd started training with him. But this, you hadn't seen. 

All of the sudden, the book opened to a certain page. You looked up to see Kylo's hand raised and twisted. 

"Read."

You rolled your eyes. "So you dragged me all the way out here to make me study?"

He glared at you. "Read."

"Fine."

You brought your eyes to the page and started reading the weathered pages. Yellowed and frayed with time. And though the words were faded, you could still read it. 

_A pair of Force-sensitive beings united as one in the Force. A dyad on the Force, two that are one. The connection between the two that form the dyad spans across all space and time, as strong as life itself._

You read it over and over again. Dozens of times. Your eyes glued to the page. 

It sounded like a clear description of soul mates.

You looked up to Kylo. "Does this have to do with the Force-connection?"

Kylo nodded. "It's called a Force-bond."

"So, are you saying that we are the d..."

"It all matches up," he said. "The Force-bond, the ability to feel what the other person is feeling. Even the fact that both of our fighting is enhanced when fighting together."

You stayed silent, trying to discern if he was being serious or if this was some elaborate scheme serving some undisclosed goal. 

"What else would this explain?"

"You'd have to read more, but pretty much everything," he said. "A side effect of the bond is sharing abilities with the other person, which explains how you were able to use the Force and a Jedi mind trick without having any practice. Same with your skills with the lightsaber."

That did make sense. You had no explanation for why you were able to do that, and no clue why you even thought of it in the first place. The idea just popped into your mind on a whim, no cause or reason that you could find. At the time, you'd attributed it to luck or some divine intervention. 

"It explains why I understand you," he continued. "And it explains why I felt...called to you. 

And why I feel called to you.

You looked back down at the book, gently stroking the spine with your finger. "Is this what you went to find that day you were gone?" 

The day you told me you loved me.

"Yes."

You stared back at the pages, hoping the words would lift upwards and become some tangible explanation of how this happened. The soul of a nobody paired to a man that was destined to be known from birth. 

"Say it."

You looked up at Kylo, his arms crossed over his chest. "What?"

"I can practically hear you thinking," he replied. "Tell me what you're thinking."

You let out a loud exhale. "I...I don't know what I'm thinking. I mean, this is a lot to take in. Actually, it's kinda insane and-

"But you know it's the truth."

As unfathomable as it was, yes. It felt like the truth. 

This was more than just coincidence. It was explaining everything down to an almost minute detail. Far beyond chance or coincidence. 

"I know."

At first, you'd been overwhelmed and soaked in disbelief at the idea of being Force-sensitive. And now, here you were, being told that you were one of two people connected by soul ties. Connected to the heir to one of the most powerful Jedi bloodlines, the Supreme Leader of the First Order. 

You could get whiplash from how quickly life changed.

-

You didn't know how much time had passed since you'd sat down at the table. Hours, probably, spent looking through this text and asking questions and trying to wrap your head around the whole idea.

Your bones were stiff when you finally stood up from your chair and shut the book. You headed towards the front door where your mud-caked boots sat, intending to spent your trip back to Crait mulling over all this insanity. 

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not in the mood to have my foot impaled by a twig," you replied. "So I'm putting on shoes."

"It's too late for you to go back," Kylo said. "You're staying here for the night."

You shoved a foot in one of your boots. "It's not too late."

"Yes, it is," he insisted. "You're too tired to fly all the way back."

Well you were exhausted. And the forest was now pitch black, meaning you'd have one hell of a time getting back to your x-wing. 

You removed the boot you'd just put on and chucked it aside. "Fine."

You sounded more bitter than you felt. The cabin was warm and cozy. Kylo was here. And as much as you hated it, he had this way of making you feel at home. Comfortable, safe, home.

He felt like home.

Kylo was still standing by the table when you turned around. "Have you eaten?"

"What?"

Kylo crossed his arms. "Is that a hard question to answer?"

"No, asshole," you muttered. "But yes, I ate lunch."

"Lunchtime was hours ago."

"Excellent observation, Supreme Leader."

"There's some food in the kitchen," he said. "I'll see what I can make. Maybe something that'll get rid of your attitude."

"I highly doubt that."

"Oh, so do I."

Kylo walked into the kitchen and you took the place he had previously occupied by the table, leaning your lower back against the edge. The kitchen was open to the dining area and gave you a perfect view of him.

"So why'd you never mention this place before?"

He shrugged and opened a small refrigerator. "Rarely use it," he mumbled. "No one else knows about it besides my Knights."

"Ah." 

You watched as he moved around in the kitchen, pulling various things from various places. Clearly, he knew what he was doing.

While he was busy making food, you decided to look around more. You padded over towards the living room

The living room had a warm, inviting glow to it. 

A wide fireplace, a large couch with a blanket strewn across it. It couldn't be anymore different from the Finalizer. Or the new Resistance base for that matter. 

The place felt safe. It felt like a home.

You wandered closer to the couch and stopped at the small table sitting beside it. There was a small drawer which you opened, revealing a stack of parchment, a few fountains pens, and a small collection of knick knacks. 

You remembered reading something about this in the journal Ushar had given you. If you remembered correctly, this pair of dice belonged to his father, and was given to Kylo as a good luck charm before he'd begun training with Luke.

And he'd kept it for all these years. 

There were other small items in the drawer, though none looked familiar. You guessed that they might have been the Jedi artifacts that Ben and Luke had traveled around to find when he was younger. Unless those had been destroyed in the temple fire. 

"Ready," Kylo called from the kitchen.

You headed back towards the dining table where Kylo was setting down two large, steaming bowls of soup and a slice of bread with each. 

You sat down and took a spoonful of soup, your eyes widening a bit at how good it tasted. 

"You look surprised," Kylo said. 

"I didn't know you could cook," you replied. 

Kylo smiled a bit. "I'm not completely helpless."

The two of you continued eating in silence for a while, nearly half of your bowl and your slice of bread gone before you spoke. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence by any means, but there was a sadness in Kylo's demeanor that bothered you. Downcast eyes, slow movements, hunched shoulders. 

"The facial hair is new," you observed in between spoonfuls of soup. "It looks good."

"Thanks, I grew it myself."

You frowned and rested your spoon on the rim of the bowl. "And here I was hoping our time apart would have made you slightly less of an asshole."

Kylo looked up. "I don't know why you would think that our time apart would do anything but make me more unpleasant than usual."

The smirk on your lips faded. The seriousness of Kylo's expression didn't waver. 

A silence fell again, though this silence was very uncomfortable. Kylo's eyes had locked on yours like a vice, not a muscle in his face moving. Not even blinking.

"I'm not apologizing for leaving," you finally said.

"I wouldn't expect you to."

It wasn't a pang of guilt that hit you, but more of a wave of longing to wrap your arms around Kylo and  
not let go until the sadness had left his eyes. 

You didn't feel guilty for leaving; you knew that it was the right thing to have done. But just because it was the right thing to do did not mean that it was the painless thing to do. 

The bowl of soup on front of you no longer looked appealing thanks to your appetite vanishing. You gently pushed the bowl away from you and set your spoon down.

"Thank you for making this," you said quietly. "It was really good."

Kylo hummed in reply and pushed his bowl away too. It looked like Kylo wasn't hungry anymore either. 

"The bedroom is the second door on the left," he said. "Bathroom is attached and there's some of my clothes in the drawer for you to use."

Part of you wanted to say something more. Exactly what you wanted to say, you weren't sure of. You'd opened your mouth and decided to just go with it, but quickly sealed your lips out of nervousness. 

You got up from the table and walked down the hall, opening the second door on your left just as Kylo had explained.

The bedroom was decent sized, just as cozy as the living room. A deep green comforter on the large bed, wooden nightstands on either side. A small bookcase in the corner next to a small desk that sat beneath the window. 

Like Kylo said, there was a bathroom attached to bedroom. Less sterile and cold looking than the one in his living quarters aboard the Finalizer. 

You turned the shower on and quickly undressed, climbing in once the water was just warm enough to make it bearable. You rushed through the motions, washing yourself quickly and not even bothering to wait for the water to heat up enough. Yet despite your rushed movements, you couldn't stop yourself from thinking about the times you'd showered with Kylo. The feelings of his hands in your hair as he washed it, soap being dragged across your body while his lips tended to your neck. Letting him pin you to the wall and pleasuring you until your legs were weak and the water was cold. A time where you let yourself play pretend with the idea of a normal life and a normal relationship with him. 

The water still wasn't completely heated when you shut it off and climbed out, wrapping yourself in a towel and walking back into the bedroom. You went to Kylo's dresser and easily found one of his black t-shirts, slipping it over your still-damp body. You also took one of his black sweaters and put that on too.

You weren't sure why you were rushing so much. Almost like you were racing to get back into Kylo's presence.

You found him sitting in front of the now lit fireplace, his back towards you. 

"There's a kettle next to the stove," Kylo said without turning around to face you. "I think there's tea in the cabinet."

You smiled a bit. He'd thought of how much you liked to have a cup of tea before bed. You found the kettle and filled it with water before placing it on the stove, turning it on and waiting for it to heat.

You noticed your tangled mess of hair was dripping onto the floor, a puddle quickly forming at your feet. You leaned over the sink and attempted to wring it out, struggling to detangle your hair with your fingers. So much so that you didn't even notice Kylo enter the kitchen.

You stifled a yelp when you felt his hands gathering your hair, pulling it behind your back and out of your hands. He was silent and you let him proceed.

Kylo started braiding your hair, gently detangling it as he went. You closed your eyes, sighing at the feeling of his fingers running through your locks.

You turned around to face him once he'd fastened the braid. "Thank you."

He gave you a quick nod. Neither of you moved, just standing there close together.

He leaned in the slightest bit. Testing the waters. When you didn't push him away or say anything, he leaned closer. And closer and closer until his lips were on yours.

It hadn't been the same kissing him through your shared connection in the Force. It hadn't felt this real. Nothing compared to actually feeling him. 

He started gentle, just barely brushing your lips. But then he cupped the side of your face and yanked you into him. And like always, you melted into his touch and pressed yourself against him. 

You were the first to pull away, resting your forehead on his, noses still touching. 

Kylo pulled away slightly, resting his forehead on yours, noses still touching."I missed you."

You let out a shaky breath. "I missed you too."

He smiled softly in response and then leaned in again to kiss you slowly, the kind of kiss that make you fall forward in an attempt to cling to his lips. 

But you resisted and pulled back from him, pressing your lower back against the counter. "This doesn't mean that I'm... ready, yet," you breathed. "I still need time."

He stiffened, but he didn't move away. "I know."

He didn't sound angry. He sounded sad. 

And that was even worse.

The kettle whistled loudly. You jumped slightly, and Kylo's hands slid from your waist. You turned to pull the kettle off the stove and when you looked back over your shoulder, Kylo had already left the kitchen. 

You focused your attention on finding a mug and a tea bag, pouring the boiling water into it and watching the tea leaves bleed color into the liquid. Busy hands made for a busy mind. 

Kylo had returned to the living room while you prepared the tea. You thought about joining him on the comfy-looking couch, but decided to stay in the kitchen. You knew yourself too well to think you could resist him without the aid of physical distance. 

_The dyad spans across all space and time._

The tea was still very hot as you sipped it, but you didn't care. It took your mind off the words spinning and fumbling about in your mind. 

You gulped the yea down perhaps a bit too fast, contradicting what was supposed to be the soothing routine of having tea before bed. 

You left the now empty mug in the kitchen and padded towards the living room. "I think I need some sleep," you said quietly. "Long day."

Kylo looked up at you and nodded, his lips tightly pressed together. 

You took a few steps towards the bedroom, expecting to hear Kylo following suit. But he didn't. He remained on the couch, completely unchanged.

"Are you not coming to bed?"

He readjusted on the couch, stretching his legs out. "The couch is fine."

This was so unlike him. So quiet, resigned, demure. As little words as possible. The Kylo you knew would've climbed into bed with you whether you wanted it or not. 

The thought of sleeping in a different room than him was strange. An odd feeling. 

You mumbled a quick goodnight and headed for the bedroom, flopping onto the bed and trying to keep your mind blank as you bundled yourself in the blankets. Trying to ignore Kylo's scent on the pillow.

Not even half an hour had passed before you caved and walked back to the living room.

He heard you approach and turned to look at you. "Is something-

"I hate sleeping alone."

You felt your cheeks burning, embarrassment flooding through you. But it was the truth. You'd spent a lot of years sleeping alone, being utterly alone, and with Kylo, you'd learned how much you craved sharing a bed with someone. Knowing that someone else was there. 

"I know you do," he replied. "I just thought that you'd-

"I don't."

You knew what he was going to say.

_I just thought that you'd want to be left alone._

You didn't want to be alone. And you didn't want to be away from Kylo. You didn't want to fall asleep without him there.

No more words were spoken as he stood up from his chair and easily extinguished the fire with a twist of his hand. 

You let out of a deep breath of relief and turned back towards the bedroom, satisfied that Kylo was behind you. 

The bed felt a lot more inviting as you  
climbed beneath the covers again, knowing that Kylo would be following suit. You watched as he changed into more comfortable clothes before joining you against the plush pillows. 

As a last ditch sort of defiance, you faced away from him, as if it would prove something 

It was silent. And you hated it.

"It's your fault that I can't sleep alone."

You rolled over to face him. And he was already looking at you.

"I know. But it's your fault I can't sleep alone either."

He lifted his arm, opening up a space for you to insert yourself. A smoky scent lingered around Kylo, traces of the fire he'd started in the other room.   
You pressed yourself right up against him, like normal.

Well, not normal. More like familiar.

"I hate how complicated this is."

His hand stroked your shoulder. "It doesn't have to be so complicated."

You muffled a dry laugh against his shoulder."You're the Supreme Leader and I'm working for the people that are trying to take you down," you said. "I don't know how you could make that uncomplicated."

"I know."

He grabbed your waist and pulled you on top of him. You didn't object, letting him tug the blankets over both of you and wrap his arms around you. 

Things couldn't go back to how they were. Not yet, at least. There was so much that you needed to figure out, things that Kylo needed to sort out too. But you didn't have the heart to remind him - of yourself - of that reality. You indulged yourself in this stolen moment of peace, even if it is only temporary.

"All the books I read made love look so simple," you said. "Two people meet, make it through some problem and then they just...love each other."

But you and Kylo had faced a million problems. Still facing them. Probably would face a million more problems. 

"There was only one book I read where it wasn't simple," you continued. "Where the two people never had it easy. They were called star-crossed lovers."

"Star-crossed," he repeated. "Interesting way to put it."

You nodded. "Both of the families hated the other one. A son of one family and the daughter of the other fell for each other anyways, but were being pushed apart by the feud between their bloodlines."

"And they didn't make it through the problem?"

You smiled sadly. "They did, technically, but it was only at the cost of their lives."

Kylo squeezed you tighter. "That was just a book."

"We keep hitting problem after problem," you whispered. "What happens if the problems never stop?"

He stroked your cheek with his thumb."They will stop eventually," he said. "Not sure when or how, but they will."

You didn't want him to be your enemy, didn't want to be star-crossed lovers. 

You wanted to be the kind of lovers that got a happy ending.


	28. Fireball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: fire (weird, i know), blood and theme of abandonment. 
> 
> Yes, this is a bit sad. But yes, we are getting a happy ending, I pinky promise so just stick with me here.

Love had teeth. Love bit and tore and left scars.

But love felt so good that it made a person willingly go through it over and over again. 

Choosing to take on those scars just for a chance to be with someone that makes your heart flip and beat a million miles per minute. Someone that actually lets you believe there is some good in the world and some hope for a better tomorrow.

It was starting to feel like the right person but the very wrong time. Maybe even the wrong galaxy, wrong life. Just everything wrong when all he wanted was for it to be right.

She'd woken up early this morning, saying she had to go. Kylo had responded by rolling on top of her and pleasuring her into another bout of exhaustion that put her to sleep for a few more hours. Delaying the inevitable.

The physical touch ability through the Force bond had been a nice development but it wasn't even close to the real thing. Being able to feel her skin underneath his hands, kiss her until the only air he breathed was hers. Tangle themselves in the sheets until it was just the two of them left in the galaxy, as close and connected as two people could ever be. 

But he was also stalling for the moment that Kylo was dreading. A big, dark cloud looking over his head, just waiting to realease a torrential downpour of misery.

She was going to leave again.

Kylo would be forced to watch her walk away from him again, disappearing before the buzz of her kiss dulled in his lips. Only her scent lingering behind, less of a reminder and more of a mockery.

He could make her stay. He could walk right into that bedroom, where she was nestled in a swathe of blankets, and place her under a Force spell that would last until she was back, safe and sound aboard his ship.

He could do it and oh, was it tempting. But he really couldn't. Not if he wanted any chance of her returning to him voluntarily.

Kylo knew that, deep down. He knew that was an infallible truth. But it didn't do much to quiet that temptation raging inside of him. Practically screaming for him to just bring her back with him and then scramble to get back in her good graces after. Kiss her and love her and pleasure her until she forgot why she was mad. Buy mountains of books and clothes and perfumes and tea until her anger and resentment was lost somewhere else.

He couldn't help his thoughts from wondering. Daydreaming, actually. Imagining a future or some other life, some parallel universe where this was normal. Where waking up mid morning with the woman he loved, drinking coffee in a cabin tucked away from the hectic nature of daily life. No war, no opposing sides. Existing slowly and intentionally, living a life he choose, not one he seemed to be thrown into.

She deserved it too. She deserved to take a break. His strong little fighter had earned over and over again a life of contentment. To be loved and to be loved well by Kylo.

What he was doing doing was dangerous. He was crafting this little dream world inside of a glass sphere. Something that was so delicate and so breakable, something that was barreling towards a fast approaching shatter. The glass sphere holding his little world cracked into a million pieces by reality.

Maybe the little world Kylo had created could exist outside of that glass sphere one day. Surely it wouldn't look the same, but maybe it'd be close. Maybe it wasn't a cabin in the middle of the woods. That didn't matter to him though; that was just a minor detail. What mattered fo Kylo most, concerning that little world, was a life where conflicting sides and a raging war didn't keep tearing her away from him. She would stay and she would be able to rest. And Kylo would be able to as well, finally allowing himself to rest knowing that she would be there when he closed his eyes and when he opened them.

Kylo was just sitting down his empty coffee mug when he heard her emerge from the bedroom. 

His heart ached when he turned around and saw that she was already dressed in the clothes she'd arrived in. Ready to leave him. 

“Morning.”

“Good morning,” Kylo replied. “Sleep well?”

Her cheeks reddened a bit. “ _Very_ well.”

Kylo grinned in satisfaction, watching as she walked towards him, leaned up on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss. Too quick.

Kylo reluctantly pulled away when she broke the kiss. “Do you want some coffee?”

“No, but thank you,” she replied. “I need to get going. I was supposed to be back hours ago.”

She gave him a somber smile and turned to grab her cloak and blaster from where it sat on the table, but Kylo grabbed her wrist.

"Kylo," she warned. "Don't do this."

He used his grip on her wrist to turn her around and pull her closer. "Don't leave again," he pleaded. "Please. Stay."

"You know I can't," she whispered. "Don't make this any harder."

"Do you actually love me?"

She recoiled slightly. "W-What?"

"Did you mean it when you said you loved me?"

"Of course I did." Her eyes scanned across his face. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."

His voice softened. His fingers on her wrist trembled. "Then why are you doing this?"

"Trust me, this isn't easy to do," she replied. "It's not something I want to do."

Kylo's grip on her waist tightened, grabbing fistfuls of her shirt. "Then don't do it," he blurted. "Stay this time."

"I have to, Ky."

"Why?"

"It worries me how desperately I want to just run back into your arms," she said with a dry laugh. "I need to deal with whatever part of me is so afraid of being left behind and forgotten that I'll do anything to keep someone. I need to deal with that part of me."

She pulled her wrist from Kylo's grip and instead took his hand, squeezing gently. "Being so terrified of someone leaving keeps me from loving you the right way," she continued. "I want to be able to love you correctly. It's what you and I both deserve."

"You can do that with me," he replied. "You can figure things out or, or find yourself, whatever it is with me."

"I can't," she replied. "This is something I have to do alone. I know you understand that.”

She squeezed his hand again, a light sigh leaving her lips."Which means that you also need to take the time to realize the distinction between possession and love," she said. "We both need time and space to work through those things."

But he didn't want space or time. Every minute away from her, every inch of distance, was hell. 

"I can try that," he replied. "I _will_ do that."

He remembered some bullshit saying his uncle had told him years ago.

_Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'_

"I am not going to make you wait forever," she assured him. "Just a little while so we can do things the right way. So I can love you as a person, not my captor."

Kylo swallowed thickly. “Not forever?"

She smiled softly. "No, not forever."

Kylo sounded desperate; he knew that. But he couldn't bring himself to care.

He cupped her cheek and held her close. "Come back to me when you're ready," he said. "Just please tell me that you'll be ready eventually."

She nodded. "I will be," she assured him. "I promise."

She took the initiative and grabbed both sides of his face and kissed him. He eagerly returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing her right against him. Just grasping for one last moment with her. With just her.

"I just need time, Ky," she whispered against his lips. "It won't be forever. I just need to get my head straight."

Kylo nodded and surprising even himself, he released her. She turned to grab her cloak and blaster again, and he let her. 

"Promise me you won't forget about me?" she added teasingly, a very weak smile on her face as she headed towards the door where her muddied boots sat. 

"I couldn't if I tried."

He watched as she pulled on her boots, trying to cling to the comfort that she had come to him, not that she was leaving. And that she'd be back.

"Are you going to at least let me walk you to your ship or am I going to have to fight you on that too?"

"No fight necessary," she laughed. 

Kylo intended to follow her out of the cabin, but they   
hadn't even taken one step towards the door when they sensed it. A disturbance, an unnerving ripple in energy.

She turned to look at him. They shared a knowing glance, words unneeded, and then they were barreling outside. Lightsabers drawn and at the ready. 

Both of them scanned the immediate area for signs of the disturbance. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. No sounds, no presence sensed near. 

"Must be farther out," she whispered. 

They both lowered their weapons and faced each other. Adrenaline pumping, senses heightened. It was no understatement that each of their Force abilities were intensified when they were together.

A low thud from a distance echoed. Then they stood and watched as a cloud of smoke and flames erupted from over the tree line. 

"What the hell?"

She started off for the source of the explosion, but Kylo latched onto her jacket and stopped her.

"What are you doing? We-"

"If I am going to watch you leave me for the third time, then you are going to get back on your ship and let me handle whatever this is."

She hesitated. Kylo watched as those fighting instincts rose, her determination bubbling to the surface. Her eyes darted back to plumes of smoke rising into the sky. He knew it was against every instinct, every fiber of her being to turn away from a fight. 

He squeezed her waist. "Please. Get on your ship and be safe."

 _Let me protect you in the only way I can right now._

"Fine," she relented. "As long as you'll be safe too."

"Always am."

He grabbed her arm and pulled her into one last kiss. Heavy and passionate. Then he released her and turned away from her, knowing that last look as she left again would be too much to handle. 

He began running towards the edge of the woods, relief flooding through him as he sensed her leaving too, heading back to her ship as he instructed. 

A loud, thundering noise sounded from the forest behind him. Kylo turned around just as his cabin was struck and erupted into flames.

His little world inside that glass sphere was already shattering, just like he knew it would.

Kylo tore his eyes away from the sight of his secret haven being scorched. At the same time, he felt the drop off of intensity, the decrease in sensitivity. She was gone, just like the cabin and everything inside.

But he pushed through, having to rely solely on his own power.

A decent portion of the tree line was burning, flames eating away at the leaves and snaking up the trunks. Kylo ran past and exited the forest through the cluster of trees not yet grasped by the fire. 

Kylo had expected to see some fight still occurring, anticipating another explosion. But there was nothing except for indents in the ground that suggested there was even another presence. 

He looked up to see a small grouping of ships bursting through the planet's atmosphere, presumably whoever was responsible for this. Had it not been for the attack on his personal cabin, Kylo would have thought it a coincidence. But this was a targeted attack. And it was quite clear that Kylo was the target. 

It was still fairly early, not as much bustle and traffic in the Outpost yet. But Kylo knew that Shol was always up early, hours before the Outpost really came alive. And if anything happened with a fifty mile radius, Shol would know about it.

Kylo took off in the direction of Shol's, hoping he'd caught a glimpse of something. It wasn’t far away, just mere minutes at a jog. Kylo got there quickly, though he wished he’d been there sooner.

Shol was slumped behind the counter, blood flowing from him out of various places. Everywhere.

"Kan," he sputtered. "I, I think your, your girl is here."

Kylo searched for the source of his bleeding, but there was too much of it.

"Save your strength," Kylo urged. "No more talking."

"Some man was... was asking about the girl you described to me so I, I think she's here."

Shol's head lolled to the side, his eyelids falling lower and lower. Kylo grabbed onto his hand, squeezing and urging him to just hold on while he looked around for something to use as a bandage.

"Just hold on, alright? I-

"Did you find her?" Shol's voice was weak. "Did you find the girl you were looking for?"

Kylo stilled, looking at Shol while he stared back with in a haze. It was too late. The wound was deep and the blood wasn't stopping. 

All he could do was make him comfortable.

"Yes." Kylo's eyes stung with tears. "I found her."

_But then I let her go. And I have a hard time believing she will come back to me._

Shol gave a weak smile. "Good, good." He coughed, wincing and holding onto Kylo's hand tighter. "I did my job."

Kylo's lip began to quiver slightly. "Yes, you did Shol," he murmured. "You did well."

"I get to see Nadine," he whispered faintly. Smiling weakly. "I get to see my girl too."

His late wife, deceased for nearly a decade now. He'd talked about Nadine nearly everytime Kylo came by. And he always spoke about her like she was still living and breathing, could walk through the door any minute.

"You'll see your girl," Kylo assured him. He choked up a bit. "You'll have your girl back."

Shol gave him a weak smile, and then his hand went limp in Kylo's. His eyelids fully closed but that smile remained on his face. Just like that, he was gone.

Kylo let himself cry. Sob into the silence. He slammed his hand on the wall beside Shol's head, gasping for air in between cries. 

He was tired of the things he treasured being taken from him. 

Kylo let himself cry for just a brief moment. The tears rushing from him quickly until Kylo turned off the faucet and stopped. Trapping the unused sobs deep in his chest. 

Emotion subsided to logic. Sadness gave way to anger.

There were only a few people who knew about his cabin. Few that would ever ask about her, like Shol said this man did. Few that had the capability to launch an attack like this. 

His knights knew about Kylo's cabin on Batuu, but none of them would have done this. That left only one other person who knew.

Hux.

"Son of a bitch."

-

Kylo came barreling into the command center straight from his ship. Absolutely fuming and ready to relieve Hux of his head.

"Supreme Leader, we have a problem," Pryde said as Kylo stormed into the room. “It’s urgent.”

"I'd say so," Kylo muttered. "Get me the General. Now."

No one moved. All of Kylo's officers stared back at him, unmoving and silent.

"Was that not clear?" Kylo thundered. "Where is-

"Sir, that's the problem," Pryde cut in. "Hux has...

"Hux has what, General?"

"Hux and two dozen squadrons are missing, Supreme Leader. Their location is unknown."

The whole room shifted nervously, officers averting their eyes. Things started clicking in Kylo's mind. His suspicions about the attack that morning realized, more suspicions of things prior becoming more and more possible. The attack on Coruscant that landed his Little One in the medbay, the ambush on Umbara that took her away from them. Those weren’t coincidences.

Kylo's breathing was loud from underneath his mask. "What do you mean missing? How does an entire room of officers lose the General and a hundred men?"

"Lieutenant Mitaka is also missing," he said. "Likely, along with Hux.”

Kylo is gone for just over a day and his General has committed treason along with two fucking dozen squadrons of his men. 

Excellent.

“It appears that the General had been transporting squadrons in shifts over the past few weeks,” Officer Unamo chimed in. “That’s why it went unnoticed. He also took nearly the entire supply of doonium extracted from Umbara, sir. Likely to build more of his own fleet.”

“I think that’s quite obvious,” Pryde snapped to the female officer.

Kylo wouldn’t have been surprised if smoke had been coming out of his ears. 

"Set all other concerns aside," Kylo ordered. "Everyone's sole priority is to get me his location. Immediately."

Kylo spun on his heel and left the room, cloak fluttering behind him. Just outside the doors stood Ushar who quickly fell into stride with Kylo and followed him away from the command center.

“He attacked the cabin,” Kylo informed his knight. “Fucking burned it down. He tried to kill her.”

“And you,” Ushar replied. “Luckily, both of those attempts failed.”

“Did you know about Hux?” Kylo asked. 

“Pryde informed me just minutes before you returned,” Ushar explained. “No one was aware until today. Suspicion was only raised about the reserve squadrons after Hux didn’t report this morning.”

“I should’ve known he would do this,” Kylo seethed. “I should’ve known he was planning something behind my back. I could’ve gotten her fucking killed today.”

“But you didn’t,” he said. “I take it she is back on Crait and well, then?”

Kylo didn’t know what was worse—the fact that he’d greatly endangered her today, or that he’d let her go without his protection. He'd had her in his grasp and he had let her go. He could've stopped her, made her stay with him. But he hadn't.

Kylo wanted her to choose to be with him. 

"Yes, she's..." Kylo stopped dead in his tracks. "Did you just say Crait?"

Ushar came to a stand still, mask still trained ahead.

Kylo wasn’t sure he could be any angrier. He lunged forward and pinned Ushar to the wall, forearm pressing against his throat.

"Have you known her location this entire fucking time?”

Ushar offered no reply.

Kylo jerked him against the wall again, shoulder blades slamming into the unforgiving metal.

“ _HAVE YOU KNOWN THIS WHOLE TIME_?”

"I made the decision with you in mind, Master Ren," Ushar snapped. "Kidnapping Miss Ren and reinstating her as a prisoner would not help your cause. It would make her hate you."

"That is not your call, Ushar,” he hissed. “I gave you an order and-

"You instructed me to return Miss Ren to you," Ushar cut in. "You did not ask me to return your prisoner."

It was Kylo’s turn to be silent. 

"If you love her like you say you do and hope for a future with her in it, letting her return to you of her own volition is the only way,” Ushar explained."If you bring back a prisoner, that is what you will have. If you want her as she is, you will let her return when she is ready."

Something in Kylo cracked, the smallest amount of vulnerability leaking through. "How do you know she'll come back?"

"She came to the cabin, did she not?"

Kylo worried though. Anxiety seized his chest.

But he curtly nodded and stepped back, releasing Ushar from his grip. 

"We need to locate Hux," Kylo said. "I'd go after him myself but clearly, things don't go well when I'm away."

"I also think you need to notify her," Ushar said. "But I think it's too much of a risk to do it in person."

Kylo nodded. He did need to somehow get a transmission to her, but he couldn't go himself. He risked revealing her location to Hux or even being tailed but another unknown traitor still on board. He had no choice but to send some kind of transmission.

He couldn't be blunt about it. He couldn't use Hux's name, nor could he give specifics. The odds of that signal being intercepted were unknown, but too risky to chance. 

"If he really wants to get back at me, he'll go after her."

He didn't give a flying fuck about the Resistance. Just her. 

And Hux knew it.

"Do you think he's planning to aid the Resistance?"

Kylo shook his head. "This isn't about hurting the First Order or helping them," he said. "He just wants to see me fail."

"I've always hated that Fireball."

Kylo looked over at him, brow furrowed beneath his mask. "Fireball?"

Ushar chuckled lowly. "Stole that pet name from your girl."

Kylo would have to appreciate that later.

"Tell Cardo, Kuruk, and Ap'lek to get ready," Kylo said. "And tell them to bring Hux to me _alive_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to leave your thoughts. I’m a whore for comments.


	29. Hope

The command room was as full as you'd seen it since arriving on Crait, finding the General there accompanied by her husband, a very vocal Wookie, the 'trooper, and the one and only Poe Dameron.

Who was looking very irritated and glaring at you  
with hands on his orange-jumpsuit clad hips.

"Where have you been? The General said she sent you on a supply run but you have nothing on you," he said. "So where'd you go?"

"Well hello to you too."

"Hello," Poe clipped. "Where have you been?"

"Out."

Poe narrowed his eyes. "Out _where_?"

You swallowed. "I went to see Kylo."

"YOU _WHAT_?"

Before you could even explain yourself, Poe had spun around, eyes trained on the General. "Did you know about this? Did you know she went to see him?"

Leia remained composed as usual. "Yes."

"And you let her go?"

"Yes," Leia repeated. "I did."

Poe looked back and forth between you and the General a few times, brown eyes blown wide. "Have both of you gone insane?"

"Not more insane than usual," you replied. "I'd say the healthy amount."

"Oh no you don't," Poe replied. "Don't try and be cute right now. What the hell were you thinking? Do you know how dangerous that was? Do you have any idea- OW!"

You flicked Poe in the forehead, abruptly ending his tirade. He rubbed at the spot you'd just assaulted, brows knit together. 

"What the hell was that for?"

"If I had been taken captive again, I wouldn't have been able to do that," you explained cooly. "So  
clearly, you don't need to freak out because I am right here and perfectly capable of physically harming you."

Poe gave a defeated sigh, his worried and slightly pissed off expression softening. "Fair point," he conceded. "But you didn't even tell me where-"

"Aren't you too busy fucking a First Order defector to be worried about me?"

Finn gasped from his position next to Chewie while Poe just scoffed. "I am perfectly capable of doing both!"

Behind Poe, Finn was staring at the two of you wide eyed and absolutely horrified, while Han failed to stifle his laughter. 

Poe's cheeks went red and his eyes just about bulged out of his head again. "Wait, no, that'a not- we are talking about you right now," he sputtered. "You, not me and-

"Your souvenir 'trooper?"

"Is that what you call me?" Finn chimed in. "Seriously?"

You peeked around Poe and smiled at Finn. "For the time being."

This new thing with Finn was good for Poe. Of all the people you knew, he was the most deserving of some affection. Might even make him lighten up and not work himself into the ground.

It was difficult to explain, but it almost erased some of your guilt knowing that while you were away... _fraternizing_ with the enemy, Poe hadn't been all alone.

It was good for a variety of reasons, the most important being his happiness though. But it also  
meant that Poe was now almost on an equal playing field with your situation. He had also been fraternizing with the enemy - albeit former enemy now-turned-traitor against the First Order. You thought it might help Poe to see your side of things just a little bit.

"You are such a handful," Poe muttered to you. "This conversation was about you and somehow you derailed it to my...personal life."

"Aw, it's alright Dameron—you can say sex."

It was a good thing that his back was to the General with how many filthy expletives he was mouthing at you. Demotion-worthy, possibly. 

"I'll let you continue harassing Dameron later," Leia said to you, "but I'm going to need to interrupt for a moment. Do you have anything to report?"

"Yes, actually," you replied. "There was an attack this morning on the area of Batuu where we were. It's pretty clear that Kylo was the intended target since whoever it was directly hit his cabin. 

You'd just reached your ship when you heard the missile whirring through the air, and you looked back to see a a plume of smoke and flames coming from the cabin.

The only reason you were calm about the situation was because after you'd left at Kylo's request, you'd hovered just above Battu's atmosphere until you saw Kylo's TIE fighter depart. 

"So someone has a grudge against Ren and wanted him to pay," Poe said. "Gee. Wonder which of the millions of people that could be."

"Normally I wouldn't think anything of it," you admitted, "but the cabin is in a very secluded area and not easily visible. You wouldn't see it if you didn't know it was there, and only a few people know, which means..."

_Only my knights know._

For a split second, you wondered if Ushar was behind this. Or another knight, or maybe all of them.

"I think there's a spy," you said. "It had to be someone in the Order behind it. No one else would've known."

"We already know there's a spy," Finn said from the corner. "We knew that- ow!"

Chewie had smacked the back of Finn's head with a low grumble. 

The former Stormtrooper turned to Han. "Can you control your furball please? This is third time this has happened this week!"

"Wait a minute," you said to Poe, "you _know_ there's a spy? For how long? And why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm afraid that was my call," the General said. "I was afraid that if you knew, Ben would find out too. Whether by you telling him or him seeing your thoughts."

"That spy was our best chance at getting you back," Poe said. "And it worked."

"That's how you knew I was on Umbara?"

Poe nodded. "Whoever the spy is said that Ren would be on Umbara that day and we assumed you'd be with him."

"Unit leader, do you know who it is?" Leia asked.

Things began falling into place. Little puzzle pieces of memories clicking together. 

His knights knew about that cabin, but you knew there was no way it was one of them. It just couldn't be. Like Ushar said that day, they were all loyal to Kylo. 

That only left one other person you could think of that would meet the criteria. Someone high ranking, someone closely associated to Kylo, and someone who had deep rooted issues with him.

That left Hux.

Hux was there that day. Hux said that there was a mechanical issue with the ship. Hux was the one in charge of extracting the doonium, meaning that he was most likely the brains behind the mission. 

And to put it simply, Hux didn't like Kylo. 

You raised your eyes to the General's. "I think I do."

Everyone was focused on you. 

"Who?"

"General Hux."

"You think he's the spy? That little bitch?" Finn blurted. "He would never help us!"

"He would if it meant harming Kylo," you said. "Or maybe he thinks he's on the losing side."

"As much as I want to choose the side of naive optimism, I think the former option is more likely," Poe said. "Something tells me Hux is more motivated by a personal vendetta than his moral compass."

"Trust me, Hux doesn't even have a moral compass," Finn sneered. "I don't even think he has a soul."

"And if we're going to be brutally honest, I'm not thinking anyone like Hux thinks we even have a chance against them," Han added. "We're outnumbered and out-armed."

Chewie grumbled in agreement. 

"Doesn't matter what the motivation is," Poe said. "We gotta find him."

"We have the location of the last transmission we received," Leia said. "It doesn't mean that's where he—whether it's Hux or not—is now, but it's the best place to start."

"I want you and your unit to head out tomorrow with Dameron," Leia instructed. "Dameron, select two pilots from your squad and notify them to prepare to depart in the morning too."

You and Poe both nodded in agreement. 

"Does that include me?" Finn asked. 

"I think you're a bit too close to this," Leia said with a wry smile. "We need Hux in one piece considering he has aided the Resistance in the past and may prove useful."

Finn's shoulders drooped as he sighed. "Can't argue with that."

"But if we do need someone to shred him apart, you'll be the first call," Poe said.

Finn seemed to cheer up a bit at that. 

"Let's hope Hux isnt holding too much of a grudge against me," you mumbled under your breath. “Otherwise our ‘trooper here might be going.”

"What did you do?" Poe questioned. "Do I even want to know?"

"Broke his nose," you replied bluntly. "Twice."

Finn quietly bumped your fist with his from beside you. 

Poe sighed. "So I guess I'm going to be the lead on negotiation tactics then."

"I could be civil," you offered. "Not that being around Hux encourages a civil environment, but I could be decent."

Poe tilted his head. "Could you though?"

Before you could offer some equally snarky reply, the General spoke again. 

"I'd suggest bringing Wexley," Leia said to Poe. "The other is your call."

Poe nodded, and then he and Finn left to go prepare the two other pilots and their ships. You stood by the General waiting any further instruction or a dismissal.

"Asher has been removed from your unit," Leia informed you. "He's been temporarily demoted and is underneath different command."

"General, I didn't want him to be demoted," you said. "I didn't want to punish him for-

"It wasn't just your issue with him," Leia said. "Another soldier who I will not name informed me of a handful of other issues with Asher."

You thanked the General, unable to deny the relief you felt and not having to worry about Asher's presence or any opinions he might voice. 

"That's all I have at the moment," Leia concluded. "I'll give you and Dameron the coordinates in the morning but nothing else for now."

"Before I go," you said, "can I ask you a favor?"

"Of course."

"Do you think you could get Luke to agree to train me for a session later today?"

"Oh, in a heartbeat," Leia replied. "He's been the one wanting to continue your training since he met you. But I was under the impression you didn't want to. What changed?"

"Those visions I told you about." You swallowed the acidic taste at the memory of watching Kylo dying in front of you. "I want to...I guess revisit it, to see if it's changed. Or at least refresh my memory and have Luke help me interpret it more."

Leia nodded thoughtfully. "That's an excellent idea," she said. "Luke would certainly be the one to help with that."

"Even after I...you know, verbally assaulted him a few times?"

The older woman gently placed a hand on your shoulder and squeezed. "You're not the first and certainly won't be the last woman to verbally assault my brother."

"Yeah, Princess here was the first," Han said, appearing at Leia's shoulder. "And the most frequent."

Leia playfully swatted her husbands arm before departing, saying she was going to go find Luke and inform him. Chewie left as well with a grumble you couldn't translate. Han was preparing to leave as well, but you stopped him.

"Hey, uh, Mr. So- Han," you sputtered. "Do you have a minute?"

"Sure, kid," he replied. "Something you need? Pilot lessons from someone other than pretty boy?"

"No," you laughed. "Though I may take you up on that later."

You swallowed thickly and slid your hand into your jacket pocket. "I, uh, actually wanted to give you something."

The two golden dice clinked together as you pulled them from your pocket. You placed it in your open palm and held it out to Han. 

He looked at your open palm and then glanced back up at you, jaw slack and eyes wide. "How...how did you get this?"

"Ben held onto it," you explained. "I grabbed it before I left. Which was lucky because right as I was leaving, the cabin was hit."

Han tenderly picked up the small trinket, cradling it in his hand like it was a newborn. You noticed his eyes shining a bit. 

"He kept it? He really kept this?"

You smiled softly. "He did."

Han never took his eyes off of those dice, holding that piece of his son like it was the most precious thing he'd ever seen.

-

This wasn't uncharted territory. You'd already been trained by someone you'd once verbally assaulted. Kylo first, now Luke. 

_Huh. Two Skywalker men I've cussed out and then trained with. Nice._

"I was surprised when Leia told me you wanted my help," Luke said. "I was getting the feeling that you weren't very fond of me."

You didn't deny it. No point in even trying since you'd made it glaringly obvious.

"Let's see, I think the first nickname uncle of the year," he mused. "Said most sarcastically, might I add. Or was the first nickname son of a bitch? I'm not sure I remember."

"I'm sorry," you finally said. "I never should've said those things to you or lashed out like that. I'm...Im really sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Luke said. "For more things than I can count."

"I really am sorry," you reiterated. "I regret saying those things and I hope you know that's not the kind of person I am."

"Don't worry about it," he replied. "I've done worse than call people a few names that they probably deserved. You're an angel in comparison."

"I think a lot of people would disagree," you replied. "Especially your nephew. You know, the scar across his face being pretty solid evidence."

Luke arched an eyebrow. "Oh, that was your handiwork?"

You nodded and gestured to the lightsaber—Leia's lightsaber—that had been the other responsible party for that scar.

"And speaking of my nephew," Luke continued, "Leia said you wanted help with these visions."

You recounted the visions to Luke, everything you'd told Leia and everything you could remember. All in extreme detail, all of which Luke listened attentively to.

"I'm sure it was my father you saw, based off of what you're telling me he said," Luke said when you'd finished, "but how did you know?"

"I'm not sure," you replied honestly. "Aside from what he said, I could just...tell."

Luke nodded thoughtfully. "And the other man," he said. "You wouldn't be able to recognize him, but from what you're telling me, it was Ben."

"What? No, not Ben. This guy was old and didn't-

"Not our Ben," Luke interjected. "Ben Kenobi. Obi-wan Kenobi."

You gave him a puzzled look. "Am I supposed to know that name?"

"He was my father's mentor," Luke explained. "Jedi legend. Kept an eye on me growing up without me even knowing it too. Ben's namesake, of course."

"I never knew that," you replied. "He must've been a good person if Leia named her only child after him.

"There was a time when Obi-wan was Leia's only hope," Luke explained. "That's why she named Ben after him. That boy was her hope too."

You smiled a bit. "I think he still is."

Luke smiled sadly. "He is," he agreed. "But Leia finds hope in a lot of people. People like Obi-wan, people like you."

Gods did you want to believe that her hope in you wasn't misplaced.

"You said that Obi-wan was Vader's teacher." You paused for a second. "Did he try to...save him? Keep him from the Dark Side?"

"He tried," Luke confirmed. "It didn't work, obviously. But he tried, he died trying to save him. Well, died with the hope that Leia and I could save my father."

"Oh."

Luke's shoulders drooped as he let out a long sigh. "I was prepared to die trying to save Ben," Luke said. "If I thought it could help and I was given the opportunity, I would've done it in a heart beat."

"I don't think dying is the only way to save someone though," you said. "I think sometimes living is how you save someone."

"If I'd heard that even a few months ago, I'd think that was bullshit." Luke paused for a moment, shaking his head. "I don't anymore."

"It sounds cliché, but I'm starting to think living is harder," you said. "Sure feels like it sometimes."

"It's definitely harder," Luke replied. "That's why he's running away from it. From all of it. His past, the pain, his family. Himself, really."

"That's his way of handling it," you said. "He thinks that's how he should deal with it."

"Of course he does," Luke said with a dry laugh. "That's what I did and what his father did. We ran and we hid. It's in Ben's blood."

"But you both came back."

Luke nodded and wrung his weathered hands together. "I just need him to see that running and hiding is never going to work," Luke said. "I've been a shit role model his entire life but for once, I want to be the good example. I want to show him that you can come back. And eventually, you have to."

"Ben's done awful things just like I have," Luke continued. "And what I did was worse, I think. I almost killed my nephew who also happens to be my best friend's son. I'm not sure Ben could ever do something that awful in my opinion."

Luke let out another deep sigh. It was evident how hard this was for him, how much this weighed on him. What happened that night at the Temple broke Kylo, but it broke Luke too.

"Han and Leia somehow managed to forgive me," Luke said with a shake of his head. "And they've already forgiven Ben."

"I think he knows they'd forgive him," you said. "I think he denies it but I think deep down, he knows they just want him back."

"He does know it," Luke said. "Whether he chooses to accept that forgiveness or not is the question."

You and Luke sat there in silence for a short while, watching the late afternoon sun shine on the salt-covered ground. The wind whistled by the jagged fragments of rock framing the make-shift training area.

Luke was the first to break the silence, standing up from his seat and facing you. "Ready to start?"

"Ready."

A dull nervousness formed in your stomach, recalling the pain of watching Ben die in front of you. It wasn't real of course, but it didn't make it any easier to watch.

"You're going to start with meditation and reach out for those visions," Luke explained. "The same way you reach out for a Force signature, you reach out for what you saw. Get it right, and you'll feel the pull like it's a Force signature.

You nodded and adjusted your position, straightening your back and rolling your shoulders. Legs crossed and hands resting on your knees, palms upwards.

"The difference is instead of reaching outward, you have to reach inward," Luke continued. "You're looking for the pull from within yourself. From within your memory. Focus on your energy and the Force inside of you, not the Force around you."

"But aren't I contacting Force ghosts? Vader and Kenobi?"

"Yes and no," he said. "They are not contacting you in real time, but they are what is pushing these visions to you. They're projecting it to you, but it isn't their ghosts. That's why you can't engage in conversations with them."

"Why aren't they reaching out? I mean, if Force Ghosts can reach out to the living, why aren't they?"

"Even ghosts have their reasons."

_What, you mean Vader doesn't wanna talk to the girl fucking his grandson? Shocking._

"I'll tap into your mind once you've drawn the vision out," Luke said. "You just focus on finding the vision again."

"Let's hope I actually can."

"The Force showed you those visions for a reason," he replied. "It was meant for you and it's meant for you to find again."

You closed your eyes and started to regulate your breathing using the method Kylo had taught you. You focused on your senses—the smell of salt, the sound of the wind in your ears, the sun on your skin.

 _"It is not set in stone_.”

Your eyes opened and you're in the same poorly lit, rocky place as last time. It worked.

On your left is that man again—Ben Kenobi, apparently—clad in the same brown Jedi garments. Hands clasped in front of him, blank expression.

"Fate is not out of your control."

Like last time, a seriously injured Anakin Skywalker lay on the ground, awfully burned and struggling for air. Barely able to speak and give you the warning he gave last time.

" _Don't let him make the same mistakes I did_."

You braced yourself for the next part—Kylo dying in front of you.

The image of Anakin gradually faded and sure enough, Kylo appeared. But this time, he was not on the floor, clutching a wound. He was visibly injured but he was standing, wielding a lightsaber that didn't glow red. This lightsaber was green.

Kylo had the lightsaber in front of him, poised for an incoming assault. But you couldn't see anyone else in this room besides him.

He suddenly turned to face you, and you could've sworn he could see you there. The way he said your name, your real name, cracked by his desperate tone. The way the look in his eye made your heart stop. 

" _Why aren't you here_?"

His lower lip caked in blood trembled. His eyes, filled with tangible fear looked around. Like he was trying to find something. Trying to find you.

"I am here," you replied. "I'm right-

" _You aren't here_!" He began looking more frantically. " _You said you would be here. That you'd always be here but you're not! Why aren't you here_?"

"I am!" you screamed. "I'm right here!"

Kylo turned his head away and raised his lightsaber. You saw nothing and no one opposite of him, but he began swinging and twirling the red beam like he was blocking an incoming assault. 

He wasn't moving like usual with that effortless grace. The weapon seemed foreign in his hand. He flinched repeatedly, recoiling and doubling over like he was being hit.

It seemed like he couldn't stop it. More blood appeared on him, more fabric tearing to reveal battered and wounded flesh beneath. He looked like the epitome of loss.

Kylo's legs suddenly gave up beneath him, his massive frame hitting the cold stone with a sickening echo. Blood pooling around him and streaking through the soot like rivers in a forest. 

" _/You said you'd be here_ ," he croaked. " _You...said you'd help me come back home_."

From behind you, a voice called out for Kylo. It sounded familiar and yet completely foreign all at once. You knew the voice. Knew it too well.

That was your voice.

You spun around to see a version of yourself standing there, visibly injured and holding a lightsaber just like Kylo. This projection of you looked terrified.

" _Why aren't you here, Kylo? You said you'd be who I need! I need you to be here!_ "

You watched yourself, this other version, panicking, snapping her head to the side and looking over her shoulder. Lightsaber shaking in her trembling hand. 

The projection of you stumbled backwards and half-slumped against the wall, feebly holding the weapon upright. The lightsaber's glow illuminating the wounds covering your body that hurt just to look at. 

" _I can't do this alone_ ," the projection cried. " _You said I wouldn't have to, Ky_!"

The projection of yourself recoiled like Kylo had done, as if a shot had struck you from one of the invisible opponents. You slumped further down the wall, cradling your abdomen that must've been hit. 

"," you whispered faintly, just before you landed on the ground, just like Kylo.

It felt like you could barely breathe. Not your projection, nor the version of you in this vision. You  
could barely breathe.

It was too quick. Your vision darkening around the edges, head getting dangerously light. Lack of air to the point where you couldn't even feel yourself breathing anymore. 

Then it was over.

"You're alright kid," a voice said. "Take a deep breath."

It took a few tries before you managed to get a lungful of air with that crushing weight on your chest. 

A stream of tears fell down your cheeks as your eyes flew open. You realized that you were slumped over slightly, supporting your weight on your forearm pressed against the rock. 

"Did...did you see all of that?" you asked Luke, taking a few controlled breaths to get a handle on yourself. "Me and Kylo..."

"I saw," Luke confirmed. "I saw the whole thing."

Luke's face was pale and he sounded unsure as he spoke. Not a good sign. 

"What...was that?"

Luke's throat bobbed as he swallowed. "I think we just saw the result of a dyad being separated."


	30. Smile for your Monster

_Mom always said that we need to rely on others and find strength in numbers._

_That's a lie._

_Others will always let you down. Numbers weaken. The only person you can rely on, the only person you can find strength in is yourself. Believing anything different will cause nothing but pain._

_I am not naive like her. I know that I am the only one who is going to save me when I need help._

You'd flipped through Kylo's journal before leaving this morning, and this was the page you'd happened to land on.

You were inclined to agree with that opinion to a certain extent. There were certain battles a person had to fight themselves, times when it was only you that could come to your own rescue.

But you also believed in taking the help offered to you. The battle was yours to finish, but there was no shame in needing an army to get you to that deciding moment. In fact, it was impossible to do so without an army. Even the strongest person couldn't fight off an entire army without some soldiers standing with. 

You hoped Kylo knew that now, and didn't still think that numbers weaken. You hoped he knew he had people to rely on. You hoped he remembered that he has you.

"Kid, you're heading towards the coordinates, we're taking a sweep of the perimeter," Poe said through the radio. "Stay on the channel and notify if you locate Hux first."

Poe's voice cut through your thoughts, and you were back to the present. You had a job to do, and thinking about Kylo would have to wait.

Poe had brought Wexley as instructed by the General, as well as Karé Kun, who happened to be Wexley's wife.

Their future kid is going to be one hell of a pilot.

You leaned forward in your seat to respond. "Copy."

It felt strange being back here, sitting in a co-pilot's chair on a ship with your squad. Everything was the same and yet you couldn't have felt more different.

Myra, Jace, and Ezra were the same as they'd always been. As reliable and loyal as they come. You, on the other hand, couldn't help but feel like an impostor in your own position.

You felt almost guilty for keeping the truth from them. They had no idea what had happened between you and Kylo. No clue at all.

Maybe one day you could tell them and pray they understood. But today wasn't that today. Today, you needed to focus and get your job done.

You stood up from your seat and were about to say something to Jace when a searing pain raced up your spine and into your skull. You stumbled a bit, catching yourself on the back of your chair.

Jace looked at you from his seat in the pilot's chair, red eyebrows knit together in concern. "You alright there?

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," you replied quickly. "Think I just stood up too fast."

"Myra, Ezra," you called out. "Cockpit now, please."

The two of them appeared in a few seconds, Myra smiling as always, and Ezra expressionless as usual. Extremely misleading since Myra could strangle practically anyone with her bare hands if needed, and Ezra cried at most holodramas. 

"We're a little ways out but I just wanted to go over things." You looked back over your shoulder at Jace's chair. "JJ, can you hear me from there?"

"Yes ma'am."

You frowned. "You know I hate when you call me that."

"Sorry ma'am."

You rolled your eyes and turned back to Myra and Ezra, who were now sitting next to each other on a small bench behind the pilot's chair.

"We've already gone over this but I want to reiterate that this is solely recon," you said. "We are not engaging whatsoever."

Recon wasn't your unit's usual specialty, but it was today. Though everyone in this ship would love to take a crack at Hux, that wasn't what you all were here to do.

"I'm assuming that the Order knows Hux committed treason," you continued. "Meaning that he now has the galaxy's largest bounty on his ass right now."

You got a few laughs from that. Even a lip twitch from Ezra.

"That means there's a chance we could have some First Order visitors while we're out here," you explained. "It's unlikely since I doubt Hux has sent any transmission to the Finalizer, but it is still a possibility."

"Hux's faction is against the First Order—that's a given," you continued. "Whether he is a potential ally to us or not is unknown, but extremely impertinent because I guarantee the Supreme Leader is preparing to have him obliterated in a couple of days."

"Enemies in common tend to make solid alliances," Ezra said. "This might be how we end it."

Unease settled deep in your stomach. You wanted to end this war snd you wanted to finish the Order, but you weren't going to lose Kylo in the process. In a perfect world, Kylo renounces the Order and comes to fight by your side and end the war for good.

But that was a perfect world, one you weren't sure existed. For now, all you could do was continue trying to end the Order and make sure Kylo wasn't harmed in the process. A paradox that seemed absolutely impossible when you thought about it.

"It'd be stupid for Hux not to align himself with us," Myra chimed in. "If he doesn't, then he's got two armies that want him gone."

"You're right," you replied. "That's why it's likely he's seeking some sort of agreement, but I don't want to write off any other scenarios just in case."

You wanted to somehow get the info to Kylo, but you risked the safety of the entire Resistance and the chance of winning. And something told you that Kylo definitely knew already.

"Unit 13 this is Wexley," came the pilot's voice from the cockpit. "We've located a vessel on the north end of the perimeter."

You headed towards the control panels and saddled up next to Jace. "Copy that," you replied. "We're heading your way. Do not engage until-"

"Dameron already entered the ship."

Jace snap his head towards you, eyes wide. "He did what? Without notifying first?"

You shrugged and shook your head, turning your attention back to the radio. "Wexley, did he at least notify you and Kun first?"

"Negative," he replied. "The channel was unstable. Broke up too much. Couldn't hear what he was saying."

"Send over the coordinates now," you ordered. "And remain on standby at your location. I'm following Poe."

"Copy that."

Poe never did anything without notifying. He took risks, but he was never this reckless, and never kept his team in the dark. He'd made some tactical calls that you thought to be beyond stupid, but he at least kept everyone informed of his stupidity.

Basically, this wasn't a good sign.

"Myra, help me get the transport ready please," you ordered. "Ezra, I need-

"Wait," Jace cut in, "you're not going in alone, are you?"

"Yes, I am."

His eyes grew wide. "But what if-

"Not up for debate," you cut in. "I need everyone here. And I need you to floor it and get us to the coordinates now."

He gave you an uncertain look but didn't object. "On it."

You turned back to Myra and Ezra, finding them looking just as concerned. It was nice to have people be worried about you, but that needed to wait.

"If you don't receive a message from me twenty minutes after I head to that ship, you will notify the General immediately," you instructed. "I'm not going to have everyone killed trying to play hero. Got it?"

Both Ezra and Myra nodded, and Jace agreed from his seat. 

"Good." You sighed, and looked back and forth between the two team members in front of you."I know that it goes against every instinct and every moral to leave someone behind, but it's an order. We're no use dead."

"So again, if you do not hear from me in twenty minutes, you get the hell out of here and notify General Organa," you reiterated. "Base is on standby for that exact reason."

Myra spoke up. "Do you really think something's going to go wrong?"

You thought for a moment, not wanting to come off as pessimistic but still trying to be realistic.

"I want to tell you that I think this will go smoothly," you replied, "but to be honest, I don't trust Hux."

"Fucking gingers, man," Ezra muttered with a scowl.

Jace cleared his throat.

"Except you," Ezra clarified. "You're the only ginger I trust."

"Thanks man."

You couldn't help but laugh a bit, and resisted the urge to tell Jace that you nicknamed Hux Fireball.

"Myra, I want you to help me get the transport ready and Ezra, take over as copilot," you said. "And you will be in charge while I'm gone."

Myra and Ezra both nodded and then headed towards their respective assignments.

Myra got a head start towards the transport while you tracked down your lightsaber and clipped it to your belt, right next to your holstered blaster. When you rejoined Myra, she was nearly finished with her check and prep routine of the transport. 

Myra was a great soldier. Smart, resourceful, yet still kind. Even someone you considered a friend. 

Short but spunky. Pretty, feminine, but fully capable of snapping the neck's of full grown men and was a force to be reckoned with when she had a blaster.

"Everything looks good." Myra stepped back from the control panel and handed you a helmet. "All ready."

You took the helmet from her. "Thanks."

"Be careful out there," she said. "We love having you back and I'd like to keep it that way."

You gave the younger girl a smile and a squeeze on the arm. "It's good to be back too."

Myra flashed your a reassuring smile and then resumed her position next to the control panel, ready to close the hatch once you'd departed.

You opened the floor covering and placed a foot atop the first rung of the ladder, and then you descended into the transport.

It wasn't supposed to be roomy, but damn was this transport small. Only one seat that could barely fit an adult. You never really paid attention to things like this before, and maybe you'd just gotten used to the First Order ships. 

You sat down in the small pilot's seat and got situated as best you could. Put your helmet on. Pressed the button to lower the top hatch. Dislodged the transport from the main shuttle.

Jace had gotten you as close as possible to the ship, and it took just minutes to close the distance. You easily entered the hangar, no alarms blaring or 'troopers firing at you. In fact, it looked empty.

The small transport ship landed on the hangar floor smoothly. Across the hangar, you noticed a familiar looking ship docked in the corner. The Night Buzzard.

Kylo's knights' ship.

Your stomach dropped at the realization that your original worry had been valid, and the Knights of Ren were behind this too. 

You shoved the disappointment away and departed from the ship, blaster holstered and light saber in hand. 

It was eerie in the hangar, void of any mechanical whirring or voices. No pounding of Stormtrooper boots.

You were having trouble sensing Poe for some reason, despite the proximity. You tried to locate one of the knights' signatures, knowing it was easier to sense another Force user, but nothing.

Still nothing, except the nozzle of a blaster pressed to your temple.

"Move a muscle and the pilot's dead."

Hux's voice was unmistakable.

You heard the familiar squeaking of armor and the rhythmic thud of boots, and quickly realized that Hux's reinforcements had been present this whole time, hidden in plain sight. 

They emerged from around corners and behind ships and cargo boxes, a stream coming through a blast door opposite of you. Painfully outnumbered.

"I'm here on neutral terms," you said slowly. "I'm not trying to start anything."

"Drop the weapon," Hux spat. "Now."

You held tightly to your weapon in one of your raised hands and made no movement to lower it. 

"Look, the General sent me to-"

Metal collided with the back of your skull and the lights went out.

-

Freezing cold water hit you in the face. 

You gasped and opened your eyes, sputtering as the icy water filled your mouth and numbed your skin.

"Morning," a voice chirped. "Sleep well?"

You tried to wipe at your face to clear the water, but they were stuck. With a shake of your head, you made enough visibility to see a rope binding your hands and Hux's feet at your side. 

The rope extended upwards, connected to what looked like a pulley. And there was Hux, holding the end of the rope and grinning like a demon. 

Hux suddenly pulled on the rope, yanking your wrists up and bringing your feet off the floor. You screamed and flailed as the ropes burned your wrists, your shoulders popping as you were forced to carry your entire weight in your arms.

He let you suffer for a moment before lowering the rope enough to put your feet on the ground and move in front of you.

They'd taken your brown jacket, leaving you in a sleeveless black shirt and an old pair of dark green cargo pants. That was now drenched and frigid.

When you'd gotten dressed this morning, you'd dressed for a recon mission. Not for battle and not for captivity. How so very irresponsible of you to think that this day would actually go as planned. 

"It's been a while," Hux mused. "Not long enough, however."

"I'll say," you muttered. You glanced around the room you were in, checking for more people present but finding none. You looked back to Fireball, who appeared to be in here alone. "No welcoming committee? Pretty bold of you to be unarmed in a room with someone who could strangle you from six feet away."

"Ah, yes that wretched Force ability of yours," Hux said. "Fortunately for me and unfortunately for you, that won't be possible here."

You glanced up at the rope binding your hands. "Why, because of the rope?" You laughed dryly and cocked your head to the side. "You know that's not strong enough to stop it."

It was a bit worrying that Hux looked so calm. Relaxed and...in control.

"Oh no, not because of that," he replied. "Because of the room you're in."

You looked around. Pretty normal looking room. Looked a lot like the Finalizer. Cold, sterile, mostly black with some white and grey.

You looked back to Hux. "Did you hit your head or something? Maybe leave the hair dye on too long?"

"So arrogant for someone that's currently tied up."

Hux walked over to a control panel in the wall, hitting a few buttons. In just seconds, four 'troopers walked in.

One of the white armored guards approached you and untied the rope. He remained at your side, blaster very clearly pointed right at you. 

"Like I said," Hux chirped, "your ability is useless here. But by all means, feel free to try."

It was alarmingly how calm he was. Really, really alarming. He should've been on edge considering the last time you'd been near him, he'd ended up with a broken nose. 

You cautiously extended your hand and attempted to summon one of the blasters.

Nothing. Didn't even budge.

You didn't feel any energy tingling your arm, no familiar electricity brimming at your fingertips. It felt eerily empty, giving your rising anxiety plenty of space to grow.

"How...how is that possible?"

"Doonium, pet," he replied. 

"One, do not call me pet," you spat, "and two, how the fuck would Doonium have any affect?"

"Doonium in its natural state does not," he said. "But a very special kind of a Umbaran doonium does."

Hux snapped and the guard at your side quickly retied your hands. The second he had lowered his blaster to do so, the other three in the room had raised them and aimed directly at your head. 

Not like they would actually be able to hit your head with their infamous aiming problems, but still.

The 'trooper joined the other white-armored morons once your hands were secured. A pair on either side of Hux.

"That...that can't be true," you said slowly. "That can't be the reason."

"Just because you don't want it to be true doesn't mean it isn't."

"You have to be Force-sensitive to neutralize the Force," you objected. "That's how it works."

"The Umbarans have long been known for their ability to resist the Force," he said. "And they managed to create materials that serve as physical barriers of the Force. The ability to drain parasites such as yourself, if you will."

"You really have yourself to thank for this," he said. "This special kind of doonium that you're now imprisoned with was retrieved after your little mora crusade on Umbara."

You suddenly remembered that Poe was onboard, and was used as leverage against you. 

"Poe," you breathed. "Did you kill him?"

"No, no," Hux replied. "I need the pilot alive."

"How did you get him to come to you?"

"It isn't hard when you have the ability to override the controls of any ship within range," he said. "I merely turned his ship into a puppet and brought him right into my hands."

Explains why the channel went dead and why Poe didn't notify first.

Hux continued pacing back and forth in front of you. Hands clasped behind his back. "You really have Ren to thank for this," he said. "Using that pilot friend of yours as bait already worked for him, so I figured it would work for me."

And it did. Un-fucking-fortunately.

You swallowed the bile rising in your throat. "Where is Poe now?"

"I released him."

"You..released him."

Hux grinned. "Of course," he replied. "We need someone to get the message back to your pitiful General."

"Which means the rest of the Resistance will be on their way in no time," you shot back. "They'll know exactly where you are."

"Ah, but they won't," he said. "They'll know where we were, but not where we will be shortly."

You swallowed, trying to get rid of the metallic taste in your mouth. Maybe it was the after effects of your head injury that were causing the nausea, or maybe it was Hux's cockiness. And the fact that he had every right to be.

"But your beloved Supreme Leader will eventually know where you are," he said. "And he'll come for you and be just in time to watch me kill you, right before he suffers the same fate."

"Or maybe I should kill him first," he said. "Give you a little show."

Tears began to burn at the backs of your eyes.

No, no, no. I will not cry in front of him.

"Oh, or even better, I could have killed in front of his little whore and his mother," he said. "Give that pitiful excuse of a General a little show for her efforts."

Your lip curled over your teeth. "You'll never be half the General she is," you spat. "You're nothing."

Hux moved in closer. "I'm not a General," he replied cooly. "I'll be the next Supreme Leader."

"Even if that were true, you'll never come close to what Kylo is," you sneered. "You will forever be a bitter, inferior, absolute piece of-

He slapped you across the face with the back of his glove, leather biting at your skin. 

"That the best you got, Fireball?" You smiled despite your split lip. "You hit like a little bitch."

Hux reeled his arm pack and punched you right in the face. 

Yep. Too far.

Blood filled your mouth, pain spread in shockwaves across your face. Eye immediately began swelling. And so did your anger.

You swung your foot back, putting every last ounce of power you had, and kicked Hux right between the legs. Foot colliding with his family jewels with an audible thud.

Hux doubled over, howling in pain and clutching his damaged goods. He looked up at you, teeth bared and eyes practically red.

"Restrain this bitch's ankles."

Two of the other men lurched forward and grabbed your legs, securing your ankles with two u-shaped pieces of metal that stuck to the wall. They did the same to your hands and left you completely immobilized, body now bound in a star-like formation.

"You can call yourself whatever you want but you'll always be a coward." Blood trickled down your jaw and landed on your chest. "A sorry excuse for a man."

"Gag her."

A guard stepped forward and fastened a piece of fabric across your mouth, tying it at the nape of your neck. 

You could feel the blood dribble out the sides of your mouth, soaking the gag between your lips. Hux stood right in front of you, chests nearly touching. Maniacal eyes boring into you.

"Shouldn't you be used to being choked?"

The gag distorted your words.

"Fug you."

Hux laughed darkly, baring his teeth. "That was Ren's first mistake." He grabbed a fistful of your hair and pulled. "He didn't restrain his animal."

"And speaking of Ren," he said, "why don't you say hello?"

He roughly released the grip on your hair to seize your jaw, and you winced as his fingers dug into your swollen and bruised cheek.

Hux used his other hand to point across the room at another control panel opposite of you. "See that light there?"

It was a glowing green light, presumably attached to a datapad mounted to the wall.

"Your precious Kylo will be able to see you," Hux sneered. "Smile for your monster."

It wasn't the pain that hurt the most. It was the feeling of absolute helpless that sent tears streaming down your face and dripping to the cold, unforgiving floor.

Hux turned your jaw towards his pouting face. Holding your head in place, he brought his other hand to your face, and wiped away a tear with a gloved finger. 

"Poor little thing." He placed the tip of his finger in his mouth and licked away your tear with a smile. "So, so pathetic."

He released your jaw with a shove and stepped back. Another malicious smile and then he was leaving the room, Stormtroopers in tow.

More tears fell, so did blood. Falling to the floor beneath you.

You didn't know if Kylo could hear you. You doubted he could.

But you whispered his name beneath the gap anyways.

" _Kylo_."


End file.
